![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: July 5th
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Rafe Rivera, Blake Marler, Frank Cooper
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17 eventually, with mostly PG-13 stuff for now.
Word count: 36,471 (total)
Summary: It's the fifth of July. What will Natalia do?
Spoilers/Timeline Spoilers for everything through July 9th. Goes off canon after that.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: Just for the record I'd like to mention that this is not the fic that I called "worse than the BJoD, but minus Frank" on Twitter the other day. This is a completely different fic than that one. Don't worry. That one's coming soon. Er, no pun intended.
Beta: Many thanks to aimlessla for looking over this massive thing for me, pointing out plot holes and my constant comma issues.
Part One
Part Two
Dinner that night hadn’t really interested Natalia. She was still feeling nauseated and the thought of food was uninteresting. She had too many things on her mind, but she made an effort to eat something because she knew she should. Her baby needed the nourishment. She hadn’t been taking care of herself lately, not the way she would have been had she known she was pregnant. The thought of every shot she had taken or glass of wine she had drunk since February made her cringe.
More deeds to add to her list of sins.
Panic began to flood Natalia and she left the dining room, emptying her half-eaten plate into the garbage with another twinge of guilt. She hated waste of any kind and all the years that she and Rafe had spent just getting by just made her feel worse about it. She couldn’t eat another bite though.
Back in her secluded room, Natalia didn’t feel any better. Out of habit, she found her rosary in her purse and began murmuring the traditional prayers. Usually the words brought with them a comforting sense of familiarity and settled her mind, enough to let her think or see clearly the path that had been set before her. Tonight it did neither, and when she reached the end, she felt just as agitated and miserable as she had when she began.
With nothing else to do, Natalia changed into her night clothes and slipped into the unfamiliar bed. This place was supposed to give her the peace and distance from her life that she needed to see things more clearly, to understand what she needed to do. So far it wasn’t working at all. So far, all she was doing was going over the same things in her mind, again and again.
Olivia. Rafe. Frank. Her baby. Father Ray.
They echoed through her mind like a litany of a different kind.
She couldn’t make them all happy. It was impossible. There was too big of a difference in the things they wanted from her.
Father Ray wanted her to be the model parishioner, pious and willing to volunteer at the church. Natalia was supposed to be content with raising her children and teaching them how to be good people, never stepping a foot out of line, or thinking controversial thoughts. Much less doing things that went against the church doctrine.
Her baby demanded nothing from her, but nourishment and protection, unconditional love. Natalia had every intention of giving that to him, giving her the best life she could provide. It was the how and the what that remained elusive.
Frank simply wanted her. He wanted her to be the simple, uncomplicated woman that he had assumed she was. He wanted a woman who shared his values of home, family and faith, not someone who defied what was expected of her and reached for a beautiful dream.
Rafe needed her, even as he tried his hardest to push her away. Needing her was a weakness that he didn’t think he could afford. Seeing her as different from the way that she had always been had shaken the foundation of his world. He couldn’t deal with it; so he had pushed her away and hurt them both in the process.
In the end, it always came back to Olivia. With Olivia, it was more than just want or need, Olivia claimed every part of her without even trying. She saw things in Natalia that Natalia had never even imagined in herself. Olivia freed her, pushed her and demanded more of her. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.
Each time Olivia had pushed her, though, Natalia had soared higher. This time, Natalia had failed her. She had made a mistake - one that there was no fixing or eliminating - and Natalia had no idea what to say or do about that. In her experience, mistakes like this one were crushing and unforgivable. There were no chances to explain. “I love you” wasn’t a good enough reason for finding herself pregnant out of wedlock.
On the bed, Natalia curled in on herself more tightly. What was right seemed unknowable and what was possible seemed full of despair and hopelessness. Her mind circled endlessly until exhaustion claimed her.
*** *** ***
She dreamed of Olivia; Olivia holding her closer than Olivia had dared to since they admitted their feelings for one another. Olivia stroked her hair and nuzzled into Natalia’s neck. Her lips trailed kisses across the line of Natalia’s jaw and back behind her ear.
Natalia sagged into Olivia, letting her head rest on Olivia’s shoulder, letting Olivia support them both for a moment. “I love you,” Natalia whispered. “I love you so much.”
“Then why are you crying, Princess?” Olivia asked.
Natalia shrugged. Some part of her knew this was a dream, but she didn’t want it to end. Being held by Olivia felt safe. More than that, it felt right. But this Olivia didn’t know her secret. Soon enough the real Olivia would and then Natalia would lose her. Natalia wasn’t ready for that to happen yet, not when this felt so good. She shook her head, leaving it buried against Olivia’s shoulder.
“Promise me you won’t ever leave me?”
Olivia eased away from Natalia. In a blind panic, Natalia held on tighter.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Olivia said gently, her hands running soothingly up and down Natalia’s arms. “I just want to look at you.”
Reluctantly, Natalia let go enough that Olivia could shift away from her, her fingers clenching in the material of Olivia’s shirt. Delicate fingers touched Natalia’s chin and tilted her face up to meet Olivia’s gaze.
“I promise you that I will never leave you.”
Olivia’s grip on her chin loosened. Natalia could feel the fine tremors going through her hand. Then Olivia dipped her head and pressed her lips against Natalia’s, kissing her gently. The kiss lingered, neither deepening or lessening. Olivia was waiting to see how Natalia would respond.
Natalia surged forward, her nose hitting Olivia’s in her hurry. She ignored the smarting pain and adjusted for it, choosing a different angle. She erased the small distance between them again, pressing herself up against Olivia wantonly. How many times had she wanted to do this, only to be constrained by fear or doubts? Had she lost her chance?
“Whore!” The word cracked through the air, shattering the moment that Natalia was trying so desperately to cling to.
Natalia jerked away from Olivia as if she had been burned, her hands flying free of Olivia as she stumbled backwards.
“You would corrupt your child by exposing her to this woman and her evil influences? Bad enough that you would chose this life for yourself, but exposing a child to your unnatural impulses...I thought better of you, Natalia. Didn’t you learn your lesson with Rafael and your precious Nicky?”
The woman staring back at her was her mother. Natalia hadn’t seen her in years. She had pictures of her family, of course, but she’d kept them all put away. There was no need for constant reminders of the people who hadn’t wanted her or Rafe. But Natalia would recognize that familiar figure anywhere. Only when her mother stepped forward, it wasn’t her mother she was facing. It was her own eyes - her own features - staring back at her in accusation, with the echoes of her father’s words on her own lips.
For a moment the disparity and disorientation distracted her, her mind struggling to make sense of this. Somewhere in the decades that had slipped by, she had lost track. Somewhere along the way she had grown into her mother, only time and familiarity with her own body had kept her from seeing it. The thought almost made her recoil. Natalia wanted to be nothing like the woman who would throw her own child out.
“Well?” she asked, “What do you have to say for yourself?”
But Natalia didn’t know what to say. She shook her head, the accusations hurled moments before, coming back to her. She remembered Olivia distantly and looked around, but Olivia was no where to be seen.
“Olivia?” Her voice came out high and panicked.
“You pushed her away. She’s gone.”
“Don’t say that,” But there was no bite in Natalia’s voice; it was almost pleading.
“You did it, not me,” the other-her corrected callously. “You pushed her away. You left.”
“I didn’t leave her.”
“Funny. It doesn’t look that way to me. You’re here. She’s there.”
“I’m the reason I left.”
“She doesn’t know that,” her other-self observed dispassionately. “She thinks she fucked it up big-time. Olivia thinks all sorts of horrible things. But what did you expect?”
“I didn’t-”
“That’s right,” the other-her cut her off. “You didn’t think at all, Natalia. You didn’t have faith. You didn’t do anything but panic and run.”
“I’m not running away. I’m figuring out what’s the right thing to do.”
“So leaving Olivia is the right thing to do then?”
“I didn’t leave her.” Natalia’s voice rose, a hint of frustration creeping into it.
“You can’t have it both ways, Natalia. You either left or you didn’t.”
“I’m not leaving her,” Natalia said desperately. “I’m not.”
“But leaving her would be the right thing to do. Living with her the way your heart desires is a sin. Raising a child like that, with her, without its father, would be even worse. Can you imagine what people would whisper about that Rivera woman? The little cutting glances and knowing stares would be delicious.”
“You’re...” Natalia searched for a strong enough word and found nothing. “You’re wrong. Olivia is a good mother.”
“But this isn’t about her. This is about you.”
Natalia swallowed and felt the room swim around her. A hand clamped around her wrist, steadying her, bringing her face to face with herself.
“You’re the one who thinks this is a sin.”
“I don’t,” Natalia whispered.
“You say that. You don’t believe it, not in your heart. You want it, but you still think, very deep down, that there must be something wrong with it. You think it’s unnatural. What you feel scares you. Don’t lie, Natalia.”
Everything in her wanted to deny it, say that it wasn’t true. But there was some small part of her that couldn’t. Natalia broke, doubling over, gasping for air in huge heaving sobs. She cried until she couldn’t breathe. Her fingers clenched around her knee and she wrapped an arm around her stomach, willing herself to calm down, to breathe. She had to breathe. Desperation choked her and for a moment, she thought she would never breathe again. And then she did. One breath after another until she was calm again.
Natalia stayed curled up on the floor, looking up at herself.
“I love Olivia. There is nothing wrong with what I feel for her. Our love is good and pure.”
“But there is something wrong with you. To feel the way you do when you look at her.”
Panic again. “There isn’t.” The words came out tremulous and shaky.
“Oh, very convincing.”
It was, Natalia admitted to herself, a very hard thing to say. “I look at Olivia the way that someone looks at a lover. I want to be with her - all the time - in every way. She’s the woman I love,” Natalia said, her voice easing at that. “There’s nothing wrong with looking at her like that.”
“Then why are you here, if there’s nothing wrong with that?” The other-her knelt down on one knee, covering Natalia’s hand over her belly with her own. “Does this really change anything?”
“Olivia,” Natalia murmured. “I can’t ask her to accept another person’s child.”
“Right, because you’re just counting the days until you can send Emma off to boarding school.”
“I would never...” Natalia started indignantly, biting back the rest of what she had been about to say. “But this is different. I betrayed her.”
“So ask her forgiveness.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“You’re making it too hard.”
“She won’t forgive me.”
“Olivia isn’t your mother. Give her a chance. Give her a chance, before you take her chance away.”
“I wasn’t trying to-”
“But you did. You took away her choice. You made her doubt everything. You left. What was she supposed to think?”
Natalia shook her head, feeling horror of a different kind well up in her. “She thinks I left her.”
“Exactly.”
“I have to go back. I have to-” tell her. She couldn’t even say it out loud to herself.
“You do. Because she deserves the truth, or else she’ll never believe you. And she’ll figure it out for herself eventually,” the other-her added with another glance at her belly. “Just remember what you told me, and you’ll be okay.”
“It’s not that simple,” Natalia said. She knew not simple. She knew how life really worked. It was easy to think something, but saying it and believing it was harder.
“No,” her other-self agreed. “It’s not. But you already know about doing things that aren’t easy. Don’t stop making the hard choices now.”
In bed, Natalia shifted, rolling closer to the edge, and fell deeper into sleep, leaving behind her dreams and nightmares.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Rafe Rivera, Blake Marler, Frank Cooper
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17 eventually, with mostly PG-13 stuff for now.
Word count: 36,471 (total)
Summary: It's the fifth of July. What will Natalia do?
Spoilers/Timeline Spoilers for everything through July 9th. Goes off canon after that.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: Just for the record I'd like to mention that this is not the fic that I called "worse than the BJoD, but minus Frank" on Twitter the other day. This is a completely different fic than that one. Don't worry. That one's coming soon. Er, no pun intended.
Beta: Many thanks to aimlessla for looking over this massive thing for me, pointing out plot holes and my constant comma issues.
Part One
Part Two
Dinner that night hadn’t really interested Natalia. She was still feeling nauseated and the thought of food was uninteresting. She had too many things on her mind, but she made an effort to eat something because she knew she should. Her baby needed the nourishment. She hadn’t been taking care of herself lately, not the way she would have been had she known she was pregnant. The thought of every shot she had taken or glass of wine she had drunk since February made her cringe.
More deeds to add to her list of sins.
Panic began to flood Natalia and she left the dining room, emptying her half-eaten plate into the garbage with another twinge of guilt. She hated waste of any kind and all the years that she and Rafe had spent just getting by just made her feel worse about it. She couldn’t eat another bite though.
Back in her secluded room, Natalia didn’t feel any better. Out of habit, she found her rosary in her purse and began murmuring the traditional prayers. Usually the words brought with them a comforting sense of familiarity and settled her mind, enough to let her think or see clearly the path that had been set before her. Tonight it did neither, and when she reached the end, she felt just as agitated and miserable as she had when she began.
With nothing else to do, Natalia changed into her night clothes and slipped into the unfamiliar bed. This place was supposed to give her the peace and distance from her life that she needed to see things more clearly, to understand what she needed to do. So far it wasn’t working at all. So far, all she was doing was going over the same things in her mind, again and again.
Olivia. Rafe. Frank. Her baby. Father Ray.
They echoed through her mind like a litany of a different kind.
She couldn’t make them all happy. It was impossible. There was too big of a difference in the things they wanted from her.
Father Ray wanted her to be the model parishioner, pious and willing to volunteer at the church. Natalia was supposed to be content with raising her children and teaching them how to be good people, never stepping a foot out of line, or thinking controversial thoughts. Much less doing things that went against the church doctrine.
Her baby demanded nothing from her, but nourishment and protection, unconditional love. Natalia had every intention of giving that to him, giving her the best life she could provide. It was the how and the what that remained elusive.
Frank simply wanted her. He wanted her to be the simple, uncomplicated woman that he had assumed she was. He wanted a woman who shared his values of home, family and faith, not someone who defied what was expected of her and reached for a beautiful dream.
Rafe needed her, even as he tried his hardest to push her away. Needing her was a weakness that he didn’t think he could afford. Seeing her as different from the way that she had always been had shaken the foundation of his world. He couldn’t deal with it; so he had pushed her away and hurt them both in the process.
In the end, it always came back to Olivia. With Olivia, it was more than just want or need, Olivia claimed every part of her without even trying. She saw things in Natalia that Natalia had never even imagined in herself. Olivia freed her, pushed her and demanded more of her. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.
Each time Olivia had pushed her, though, Natalia had soared higher. This time, Natalia had failed her. She had made a mistake - one that there was no fixing or eliminating - and Natalia had no idea what to say or do about that. In her experience, mistakes like this one were crushing and unforgivable. There were no chances to explain. “I love you” wasn’t a good enough reason for finding herself pregnant out of wedlock.
On the bed, Natalia curled in on herself more tightly. What was right seemed unknowable and what was possible seemed full of despair and hopelessness. Her mind circled endlessly until exhaustion claimed her.
*** *** ***
She dreamed of Olivia; Olivia holding her closer than Olivia had dared to since they admitted their feelings for one another. Olivia stroked her hair and nuzzled into Natalia’s neck. Her lips trailed kisses across the line of Natalia’s jaw and back behind her ear.
Natalia sagged into Olivia, letting her head rest on Olivia’s shoulder, letting Olivia support them both for a moment. “I love you,” Natalia whispered. “I love you so much.”
“Then why are you crying, Princess?” Olivia asked.
Natalia shrugged. Some part of her knew this was a dream, but she didn’t want it to end. Being held by Olivia felt safe. More than that, it felt right. But this Olivia didn’t know her secret. Soon enough the real Olivia would and then Natalia would lose her. Natalia wasn’t ready for that to happen yet, not when this felt so good. She shook her head, leaving it buried against Olivia’s shoulder.
“Promise me you won’t ever leave me?”
Olivia eased away from Natalia. In a blind panic, Natalia held on tighter.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Olivia said gently, her hands running soothingly up and down Natalia’s arms. “I just want to look at you.”
Reluctantly, Natalia let go enough that Olivia could shift away from her, her fingers clenching in the material of Olivia’s shirt. Delicate fingers touched Natalia’s chin and tilted her face up to meet Olivia’s gaze.
“I promise you that I will never leave you.”
Olivia’s grip on her chin loosened. Natalia could feel the fine tremors going through her hand. Then Olivia dipped her head and pressed her lips against Natalia’s, kissing her gently. The kiss lingered, neither deepening or lessening. Olivia was waiting to see how Natalia would respond.
Natalia surged forward, her nose hitting Olivia’s in her hurry. She ignored the smarting pain and adjusted for it, choosing a different angle. She erased the small distance between them again, pressing herself up against Olivia wantonly. How many times had she wanted to do this, only to be constrained by fear or doubts? Had she lost her chance?
“Whore!” The word cracked through the air, shattering the moment that Natalia was trying so desperately to cling to.
Natalia jerked away from Olivia as if she had been burned, her hands flying free of Olivia as she stumbled backwards.
“You would corrupt your child by exposing her to this woman and her evil influences? Bad enough that you would chose this life for yourself, but exposing a child to your unnatural impulses...I thought better of you, Natalia. Didn’t you learn your lesson with Rafael and your precious Nicky?”
The woman staring back at her was her mother. Natalia hadn’t seen her in years. She had pictures of her family, of course, but she’d kept them all put away. There was no need for constant reminders of the people who hadn’t wanted her or Rafe. But Natalia would recognize that familiar figure anywhere. Only when her mother stepped forward, it wasn’t her mother she was facing. It was her own eyes - her own features - staring back at her in accusation, with the echoes of her father’s words on her own lips.
For a moment the disparity and disorientation distracted her, her mind struggling to make sense of this. Somewhere in the decades that had slipped by, she had lost track. Somewhere along the way she had grown into her mother, only time and familiarity with her own body had kept her from seeing it. The thought almost made her recoil. Natalia wanted to be nothing like the woman who would throw her own child out.
“Well?” she asked, “What do you have to say for yourself?”
But Natalia didn’t know what to say. She shook her head, the accusations hurled moments before, coming back to her. She remembered Olivia distantly and looked around, but Olivia was no where to be seen.
“Olivia?” Her voice came out high and panicked.
“You pushed her away. She’s gone.”
“Don’t say that,” But there was no bite in Natalia’s voice; it was almost pleading.
“You did it, not me,” the other-her corrected callously. “You pushed her away. You left.”
“I didn’t leave her.”
“Funny. It doesn’t look that way to me. You’re here. She’s there.”
“I’m the reason I left.”
“She doesn’t know that,” her other-self observed dispassionately. “She thinks she fucked it up big-time. Olivia thinks all sorts of horrible things. But what did you expect?”
“I didn’t-”
“That’s right,” the other-her cut her off. “You didn’t think at all, Natalia. You didn’t have faith. You didn’t do anything but panic and run.”
“I’m not running away. I’m figuring out what’s the right thing to do.”
“So leaving Olivia is the right thing to do then?”
“I didn’t leave her.” Natalia’s voice rose, a hint of frustration creeping into it.
“You can’t have it both ways, Natalia. You either left or you didn’t.”
“I’m not leaving her,” Natalia said desperately. “I’m not.”
“But leaving her would be the right thing to do. Living with her the way your heart desires is a sin. Raising a child like that, with her, without its father, would be even worse. Can you imagine what people would whisper about that Rivera woman? The little cutting glances and knowing stares would be delicious.”
“You’re...” Natalia searched for a strong enough word and found nothing. “You’re wrong. Olivia is a good mother.”
“But this isn’t about her. This is about you.”
Natalia swallowed and felt the room swim around her. A hand clamped around her wrist, steadying her, bringing her face to face with herself.
“You’re the one who thinks this is a sin.”
“I don’t,” Natalia whispered.
“You say that. You don’t believe it, not in your heart. You want it, but you still think, very deep down, that there must be something wrong with it. You think it’s unnatural. What you feel scares you. Don’t lie, Natalia.”
Everything in her wanted to deny it, say that it wasn’t true. But there was some small part of her that couldn’t. Natalia broke, doubling over, gasping for air in huge heaving sobs. She cried until she couldn’t breathe. Her fingers clenched around her knee and she wrapped an arm around her stomach, willing herself to calm down, to breathe. She had to breathe. Desperation choked her and for a moment, she thought she would never breathe again. And then she did. One breath after another until she was calm again.
Natalia stayed curled up on the floor, looking up at herself.
“I love Olivia. There is nothing wrong with what I feel for her. Our love is good and pure.”
“But there is something wrong with you. To feel the way you do when you look at her.”
Panic again. “There isn’t.” The words came out tremulous and shaky.
“Oh, very convincing.”
It was, Natalia admitted to herself, a very hard thing to say. “I look at Olivia the way that someone looks at a lover. I want to be with her - all the time - in every way. She’s the woman I love,” Natalia said, her voice easing at that. “There’s nothing wrong with looking at her like that.”
“Then why are you here, if there’s nothing wrong with that?” The other-her knelt down on one knee, covering Natalia’s hand over her belly with her own. “Does this really change anything?”
“Olivia,” Natalia murmured. “I can’t ask her to accept another person’s child.”
“Right, because you’re just counting the days until you can send Emma off to boarding school.”
“I would never...” Natalia started indignantly, biting back the rest of what she had been about to say. “But this is different. I betrayed her.”
“So ask her forgiveness.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“You’re making it too hard.”
“She won’t forgive me.”
“Olivia isn’t your mother. Give her a chance. Give her a chance, before you take her chance away.”
“I wasn’t trying to-”
“But you did. You took away her choice. You made her doubt everything. You left. What was she supposed to think?”
Natalia shook her head, feeling horror of a different kind well up in her. “She thinks I left her.”
“Exactly.”
“I have to go back. I have to-” tell her. She couldn’t even say it out loud to herself.
“You do. Because she deserves the truth, or else she’ll never believe you. And she’ll figure it out for herself eventually,” the other-her added with another glance at her belly. “Just remember what you told me, and you’ll be okay.”
“It’s not that simple,” Natalia said. She knew not simple. She knew how life really worked. It was easy to think something, but saying it and believing it was harder.
“No,” her other-self agreed. “It’s not. But you already know about doing things that aren’t easy. Don’t stop making the hard choices now.”
In bed, Natalia shifted, rolling closer to the edge, and fell deeper into sleep, leaving behind her dreams and nightmares.
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![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
From:
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The points that you bring up in the dream-Having a baby out of wedlock, Rafe and Father Ray disapproval, what people will say- Natalia has faced situations like this in the past and she was great by herself so I never got how she can question all this when she has Olivia who wants to be by her side.
Hope Natalia goes back home and tells Olivia about the baby-it would have been interesting to see on the show how Olivia reacted to the news if Natalia had told her instead of just leaving.
Please update soon!
From:
no subject
But that's not to say that it was easy for Natalia to do all that by herself. And the thing about this situation - and why I think Natalia left - is that she's not sure that Olivia will still want to be there with Frank's baby in the picture.
I'm trying to keep up the daily posts, but we'll see how that goes. So far, so good!
From:
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Also sometimes you really can't know and have hope when you want someone or something bad enough.
From:
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also
I loved this:
"In the end, it always came back to Olivia. With Olivia, it was more than just want or need, Olivia claimed every part of her without even trying. She saw things in Natalia that Natalia had never even imagined in herself. Olivia freed her, pushed her and demanded more of her. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time."
From:
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:D
From:
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You've done a great job of delving into Natalia's mind and making her choice to run understandable. Especially this bit: This time, Natalia had failed her. She had made a mistake - one that there was no fixing or eliminating - and Natalia had no idea what to say or do about that. In her experience, mistakes like this one were crushing and unforgivable.
It's interesting that both Olivia and Natalia have terrified 16 year olds inside that drive their panicked reactions to things.
From:
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From:
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That said, I wish I had dreams that were so clear. Hope she remembers it.
From:
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