[Guiding Light Fic] Even If It Killed Her (4/23) - Otalia

[jaina47]

Title: Even If It Killed Her
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 1072
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note: I see you there, sitting behind your computer, wondering why I'm posting this when I haven't even finished The Importance of Family yet. And you're right, but I'm still putting the finishing touches on that one, and this is all finished. It's sitting here on my computer, staring at me, daring me to post it. So posting it, I am. 
Beta: jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic. 
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.

And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!

Extended Author's Note: Ya'll aren't going to like this part. I'll say that straight up. My beta asked me if it wasn't gratuitous and unnecessary. I went back, re-read it and decided that no, there was a point that I was trying to make and I thought it needed to be illustrated thusly. Feel free to yell at me about in the comments and I'll be happy to elaborate on my thoughts.

Part One || Part Two || Part Three


Part Four

Frank was sitting on her couch, beer in hand and feet propped up on the coffee table. His shoes had been kicked off on to the floor and Natalia could see a hole in the heel of his sock. The noise of a distant cheering crowd droned in the background indicating that he was watching the game. It still startled her to see him on her couch, in her house, instead of Olivia and Emma.

"Hey, Baby," Frank said with the biggest smile she had seen. "You're home."

Natalia tried to smile. "I am."

Neither of them seemed to know what to say to one another after that and the moment stretched just a little bit too long, spilling over into awkward silence. Natalia was racking her brain for an excuse to leave the room, when Frank held his arm out to her. There was no reason for her to turn away, at least none she could explain, and she should be happy to see him.

She forced her smile a little bit wider and crossed the distance to the couch, slipping down beside him. One hand pressed over his heart, keeping some distance between them. Frank's grin grew bigger and he tipped his head down to kiss her. Natalia let him. It wasn't the first time and now that she was married to him it wouldn't be the last. He wasn't a bad kisser. She responded to the pressure of his lips on hers and let her eyes drift closed. The problem was the lips she imagined against hers were softer and sweeter than the chapped reality. Stubble grated against her cheek instead of the soft touch of exquisitely smooth skin. Her eyes snapped open, pushing her back to the here and now. This was what she had chosen. Now she just had to live with it. It was easier somehow when it was staring her in the face and she wasn't free to imagine anything else.

When Frank finally broke the kiss he was looking at her with something she had never seen in his eyes before and a hopefulness that was all too familiar. "You know," he said in a breathless whisper. "I'm really glad you're home."

Natalia wasn't sure what to say to that, not wanting to reopen the discussion of what had happened today even if she was angry with him for just barging into Olivia's life. It was her own fault. She hadn't told Frank she wanted to keep working and stood by it. He only thought he was helping to give her what she wanted. Only he didn't know what she really wanted. No one did, except maybe... But now wasn't the time to be thinking about that. She was here with Frank, her husband, and he was still talking.

"This is the first time we've really had a chance to be alone together. Isn't it great?"

"Mmm," she murmured noncommittally.

Frank's hand was trailing up and down her arm and his other hand had slipped around her waist. "I was thinking," he said in a conspiratorial tone. "Maybe dinner could wait a while?"

And suddenly Natalia realized where this was going. With Rafe in the house their wedding night had been more of a family celebration, her celebration of finally having her son back home where he belonged, even if it was only for a week. When they had gone to bed that first night it had been late and Frank hadn't pushed, content to have her in his arms, and she had been grateful for that. Now that Rafe was gone it seemed like he didn't want to wait anymore. Natalia couldn't blame him. After all, how many men would have put aside their wedding night for a week because her teenage son was finally home from prison. Not many. It was only fair.

She should have been expecting it actually; it wasn't like she didn't know what happened when someone got married. She had certainly been looking forward to it when she married Gus. The only thing she could think about though was the way she had felt so disturbed and dirty after she had slept with Frank for the first time. That had been for all the wrong reasons though and went directly against what she believed in, that sex was a sacred act to be undertaken only under the sacraments of marriage. Without that guilt hanging over her head, maybe this time it would be better, maybe this time it would feel right, giving herself to her husband.

She smiled tremulously up at him, hoping he would think it was from nerves and her natural reserve, rather than what she was really feeling. Because she was going to do this. She had made up her mind. "I think that sounds like a great idea," Natalia said, leaning forward and erasing the distance between them.

Frank let out a delighted, booming laugh and before she could say anything else he scooped her up off the couch and carried her toward the stairs.

"Frank," she practically shrieked, grabbing at his arm. "Put me down," she said, lowering her voice with an effort.

"It's okay, Baby," he said with a smile. "I'm not going to drop you. I work out all the time and you don't weigh a thing."

She was glad when they reached the bedroom that after an awkward moment of indecision he put her down on her feet instead of setting her on the bed. She didn't think she was ready for that.

Frank pulled her close, slipping one hand into her hair and kissed her again. She let him kiss her and touch her and tried her best not to think at all because every time her eyes slipped closed her mind and heart betrayed her.

She tried, she really did. Maybe it would be different; maybe she was just a naturally reserved person and she needed to try harder, to let Frank break through the shell around her heart. She got bolder, slipping her hands under Frank's shirt and pulling it up over his head. She hardly noticed him tugging at her blouse and palming her breast in his hand as she worked the fly of his pants.

But even when she was on her knees in front of him, drawing out nothing but incoherent groans and "Oh, God, Baby's", the only thing she could feel was empty.

Comments

[jone1979.livejournal.com]

Oh my lord, this is killing me, wow I have no words, just ewwwww!!!!!!

[jaina47.livejournal.com]

It wasn't my favorite part to write either, believe me!

[rabid-wulf.livejournal.com]

As...distasteful...as parts of this are, I do agree that it is necessary. You've got some quality character development going on here, and it was well written.

[jaina47.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Seriously. It means a lot that someone feels the same way that I do about it. And believe me, I definitely agree about the distasteful part!

[triggerhappy.livejournal.com]

Ok, yes, eewww. *shudders*

But at least there's one less thing Natalia can be in denial about, which will let her finally (eventually. hopefully?) find her backbone again.
It's also kind of interesting that she is, in a way, acting a bit like Old Olivia. Trying to use sex, but still ending up feeling empty.

[jaina47.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I hadn't thought about the similarities to Old Olivia. That's very interesting. Although I think she was using the sex for internal rather than external reasons. I always saw Olivia's behavior as a need for control and to get what she wanted, although I guess it all originated with an internal emotional need that wasn't being fulfilled.

[stinker-1.livejournal.com]

Ummmm wow and Ewwwww....lol...I understand why this part was needed...but I have to say that I was shocked when she dropped to her knees, I actually said "oh no, God, why?" I cant wait for the posts to continue.

[jaina47.livejournal.com]

I understand you Ew completely. You can ask rysler I managed to squick myself thoroughly just writing it, but this is what I said about why I had Natalia giving him a blow job in particular.

It had to be a blow job because I wanted to make the point that Natalia was not just lying there and letting Frank do his thing. She was being an active participant. Natalia married Frank. That is now her reality. Sex is traditionally a part of being married and Natalia was aware of that when she agree to marry him. Before Natalia came home she had just shared a very intimate moment with Olivia, the women she was too scared to love and did not leave her husband for.

At this point, Natalia has to make her marriage work, because if it fails then what did she give up Olivia for? She’s made her decision to be with Frank, so now she’s going to try to force Olivia back into the best friend role that she’s really already out grown and try to be the best wife she can be. That means really trying to love Frank and giving the sex thing an honest try, being an active participant, not just passive, lying there and letting Frank have his way with her. And please note, that I’m no way implying that you have to give blow jobs or you’re not a good wife. I in no way mean that, I just chose to use this particular example to illustrate my point of Natalia determination now that she’s made her decision.

And if you're interested you can find the rest of my defense of Part Four here: http://incandescentfire.com/index.php?showtopic=3116&st=180

[wkgreen.livejournal.com]

Poor Natalia. :( That is not something you should have to talk yourself into.

Waiting for more! :)

[jaina47.livejournal.com]

I agree! But she's really not in a good frame of mind at the moment.

[kiranerys101.livejournal.com]

I somehow can't find it in me to feel sorry for Natalia. She has the power to end this, even if she doesn't know it yet.

Oh Frankie... if you really don't see she doesn't love you there's really no hope for you. Nothing in this scene screams enthusiasm on Natalia's part.

I just hope Natalia feels no need whatsoever to process this with Olivia ;)

[jaina47.livejournal.com]

Well, you're right. Natalia is the one controlling what happens to her right now. She's the one making the decisions and if she doesn't like the consequences, that's on her too.

Frank's strong suit does seem to be a certain level of obliviousness though.

Oddly enough, I hadn't even considered that until several people suggested it. That said this story is already completely written. ;)

[geekgrrllurking.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you went there, and you're right, you needed to. I think this really brings home the horrid choice that Natalia has subjected herself to. That even Gus was more exciting to her I feel speaks volumes about where Natalia is in her personal sexuality level. She was just too afraid to actually go there. I don't feel sorry for Natalia so much as I'm disappointed in her, for not having the guts to go for what she really wanted. I kind of feel most sorry for Frank, (shocking, I know) who just wants to be loved and build a life with his wife.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go wash my eyes out and try to get rid of that last image of Nat on her knees in front of Frank...

[jaina47.livejournal.com]

I think I totally agree with all of your comment...and you possibly said it better than I did. :p

Lol, please believe me when I say that I squicked myself out with that scene too!

[ragelikeafire.livejournal.com]

I just hope she has a strong imagination!? She is going to need one to transport her mind away whilst that hairy oaf is pawing at her.

ewww the thought... *throws up a little in mouth*

I agree in the relevance though. Another good chapter. I'm hoping for some Otalia loving soon though before I am forced to poke out my own eyes.

Rage!

[jaina47.livejournal.com]

Lol. I think she's trying not to imagine, because what she's imagining is Olivia and that's what she's trying hard and fast to tell herself she doesn't want.

[bsofthewest.livejournal.com]

I hope tomorrow comes FAST, because I need this image to be erased by somthing else...Olivia's fixing the situation, perhaps? Yes! How I loath Frank!

[jaina47.livejournal.com]

Did it come fast for you? I had a shitty day so it seemed to drag forever for me. Hope the next part leaves you with a slightly better vibe. Although it's not all roses just yet.

[bluejace.livejournal.com]

I read a lot about the whole double standard and I think it's right, Olivia is given more liberty in her sexuality to what she does. I think everyone likes to think of Natalia in a certain why (even Olivia does in a certain way), but she's a woman. And really how many of us have slept with people for the wrong reasons? It might be distasteful to some of us lesbians, but really Natalia in practice is bisexual, she's been in love with Gus and probably enjoyed sex with him. It's therefore not the same as a lesbian giving a blow job, it's like a lesbian going down on a woman she doesn't love. And really, how many of us have been there? I have slept with people for the wrong reasons... and so it happens. Natalia is trying even if it kills her.

[jaina47.livejournal.com]

You know, I hadn't really thought of the title as applying to Natalia but multiple people have mentioned it now and ya'll are starting to bring me around. :D

As for the rest, I agree with you completely. Natalia made a mistake. A big one. But who hasn't made a mistake in their lives? Certainly not Olivia.

[jonidavell.livejournal.com]

I was eating dinner while reading this and NOW i am done.....EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

[revolos55.livejournal.com]

"Hey, Baby," Frank said with the biggest smile she had seen. "You're home." - Blech! Ugh, gross. Seriously, I cannot stand Frank.

"I was thinking," he said in a conspiratorial tone. "Maybe dinner could wait a while?"

And suddenly Natalia realized where this was going. - EW! Ew ew ew ew ew!

Oh gross. Oh, I need to shower.