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Title: July 5th
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Rafe Rivera, Blake Marler, Frank Cooper
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17 eventually, with mostly PG-13 stuff for now.
Word count: 36,471 (total)
Summary: It's the fifth of July. What will Natalia do?
Spoilers/Timeline Spoilers for everything through July 9th. Goes off canon after that.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: There's lesbian touching in this part. You've been warned.
Beta: Many thanks to aimlessla for looking over this massive thing for me, pointing out plot holes and my constant comma issues.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven || Part Eight || Part Nine || Part Ten
Part Eleven
“Where have you been?” Rafe demanded, sounding more like the parent than the child. He scrubbed his hands over tight curls, messing them up in his agitation. “I’ve been here for hours, Ma, and it’s still early - even for you.”
She considered telling Rafe what he wanted to hear, that she had just woken up early and decided to take care of a few errands. Or maybe, Father Ray had called from the hospital about a parishioner who had been in a car accident and who’s family needed a hot breakfast. No, Rafe had asked and he was old enough to hear the truth. She wouldn’t lie to him. Natalia couldn’t lie to him, dressed in a pair of Olivia’s old jeans and a faded t-shirt that Natalia had found in the back of a drawer.
Olivia had protested when she hadn’t chosen something nicer from Olivia’s ample closet, but Natalia had insisted that this was okay. She hadn’t regretted her choice for a minute though, after Olivia had leaned into her back, wrapping her arms around Natalia’s waist and saying that it didn’t matter because Natalia looked incredibly hot anyway. She had chastised Olivia for the comment, glancing over to make sure that Emma was safely out of earshot, still a little bit worried that Emma wasn’t completely okay with them, but secretly she had loved it. Seeing someone’s desire for her in the past had always made her feel self-conscious and on display, with Olivia it just made her feel loved.
“I spent the night with Olivia and Emma at the Beacon.”
Rafe folded his arms over his chest, stumbling backwards into the railing and shaking his head. “Spending the night with her in some hotel, Ma? Like some-” He broke off, his face contorting with the effort of choking back his anger.
Gone in an instant was the happy glow that had suffused Natalia upon waking up with Olivia. Gone was the peace and sense of hopefulness for what the day might bring. It was replaced with a memory, strong and visceral, of being sixteen years old, pregnant and in tears, devastation warring with disbelief as her father threw her out of the house, railing at her with harsh words that she would never forget.
“Go ahead,” Natalia said, pushing herself away from the side of the house, where she had been leaning. “Say it, Rafe. Say it if you’re going to think it. Like a whore.”
“Ma-”
“No.” For the first time she cut him off, refused to let him speak. She would not let history repeat itself. “Your grandfather called me that name when I told him that I was pregnant with you. Do you think I was a whore for sleeping with your father? Do you?” She demanded when he didn’t answer, stunned into silence.
He shook his head, looking a little frightened. “No, Ma, I didn’t-”
“Be quiet,” Natalia said in a tone that brooked no disagreement. “If I’m not a whore for being with Gus, then the same is true of being with Olivia.” Part of her still wanted to shy away from Rafe, part of her couldn’t believe she was saying this, but she couldn’t let Rafe keep saying things like that. She had given him time, now it was time for him to start listening to her. He was going to have a baby brother or sister soon and he needed to set a good example. It couldn’t hurt for Emma either.
“I love her just as much as I ever loved Gus,” Natalia said, her voice losing some of its firmness, breaking down with the need for Rafe to understand what she was saying. “What I feel for her is not evil or wrong. It’s a gift from God.”
“How can you say that?” Rafe lashed out again. “After everything she’s done to us. I heard the things she’s said to you. I know the way that she’s treated you. Why? Why would you do that with her? Why would you feel anything for her but hate and contempt? She’s not good enough for you, Ma. Don’t you get it?”
“I get that she gave me a job that paid well enough that, for the first time in my life, I only had to work one job. I get that she pushed me to strive for something - to live instead of just survive. She showed me that I could have so much more, Rafe, and wanting her is part of that. She gives me the freedom and the confidence in myself to look beyond what I’ve always known. How does that make her not good enough for me?”
“She tried to steal Gus from you and then she took his house - the only thing that we had left of him and she had to have that too!”
“And we’re so blameless?” Natalia asked quietly. “I cost her a heart, Rafe. You shot an innocent man. Both of us have done bad things.”
“Ma!” Rafe protested, sounding sucker-punched. “It was an accident.”
“I know that,” Natalia said. “But that doesn’t absolve you. You made a decision - a bad one - and you paid for it. You may not think so but Olivia’s paid for her mistakes too. More than you can imagine.”
Rafe fumed, silenced but still unable to accept what she was saying. “So what are you saying? You just want me to accept the two of you?”
“I would love that,” Natalia admitted. “But I don’t expect it from you right now. I just want you to give Olivia - and us - a chance.”
He fidgeted for a moment and Natalia waited, giving him a chance to say what he needed to. She had seen him like this so many times as a little boy, wanting so badly to ask her something, but nervous because he thought it would make her feel bad or he already knew the answer, but couldn’t help himself. She wondered what it was this time. It felt like progress that Rafe was hesitant and not just yelling.
“You say you don’t think there’s anything wrong with this...thing...with you and Olivia, but...” he took a deep breath. “If you really think that, then why didn’t you tell me? Why did you hide it from me?”
Tears stung Natalia’s eyes. “Because, honestly, I was scared that you wouldn’t understand, that you would hate me and I couldn’t stand that.”
“So you didn’t trust me?” Rafe asked sounding hurt.
“No,” Natalia said immediately. “Of course, I trust you. I just know that this is a big deal. It’s different. Rafe, I never thought I would be in a relationship with a woman. It took me a long time to accept what I was feeling for Olivia. I knew that it would take time for you too. I just wanted you to have a chance to get settled into living here before there was this other thing that you had to deal with too.”
“You can’t keep doing things like that, Ma,” Rafe said, shaking his head and looking away. “I’m not a kid anymore. I’m a man and you have to treat me like one.”
Natalia nodded, hating what he said even as she realized the truth of it. “I can try, Rafe, but it’s not going to be easy. You were the only person in my life for so long. I’m not going to get it right, right away, but I am going to try.” She hesitated. There was one more thing she had to say, but she didn’t think he was going to like it. “But if I’m going to treat you like a man, then you’re going to have to act like one.”
For a moment she thought Rafe was going to get angry again, protest that he did act like a man, but then he bit down on whatever he had been about to say and nodded.
“I can do that.”
“Good.” Natalia bit her lip. There was only one problem with this new agreement they had made between them. If she had really meant it, she would have to trust it now, immediately. If she didn’t, then Rafe really would have something to hold against her when he found out.
Natalia smiled at him tentatively. “Let’s go inside and sit down. There’s something I need to tell you.”
“What else you gonna spring on me, Ma? Is Olivia moving in or something?” He asked, laughing like it was impossible.
With her back to him, Natalia unlocked the door and pushed it open. She couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at her lips. “No, not yet, but soon, I hope. You should know I asked.”
“Ma...”
She shot him a look over her shoulder.
He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Fine, whatever.” He considered it for a second. “She told you no?”
“I hurt her when I didn’t show up at the barbecue the other day. I was scared about something, so I took Father Ray’s advice and went on a retreat.”
Rafe glanced up sharply, looking startled. “You went on a retreat? Why? Because of Olivia? Did she do something or...”
“No,” Natalia said quickly, shaking her head. “Actually that’s what I wanted to talk to you about - the reason why I left.”
“Okay.”
She tried to think of some way to ease Rafe into it, but couldn’t think of one. “I’m pregnant.”
Rafe stared, blinked. “You’re what?”
Natalia tried to smile. It was harder than she had thought it would be. “I’m going to have a baby. You’re going to have a little brother or sister.”
For a minute Rafe looked stunned. Then like the clouds parting after a particularly nasty storm, he smiled. “That’s great, Ma.” It was Natalia’s turn to be shocked when Rafe came toward her, wrapping her in a hug, burying his face in her shoulder and squeezing her tightly in his enthusiasm.
Natalia couldn’t remember the last time Rafe had seemed that genuinely happy around her and she held him back just as tightly, giving a little prayer of thanks for his response. Maybe this was when things would start to turn around for them.
She smiled at him when he let her go. She knew he would hate it, would see it as too much, but she couldn’t help it. Natalia turned away before he could comment on it, hoping he hadn’t seen the joy bubbling out of her.
“I have to say I’m a little bit surprised that you’re okay with this. Surprised, but happy,” Natalia added.
“Of course I’m happy, Ma. This is perfect,” Rafe exclaimed. “This is your chance. Don’t you see? You can marry Frank and he can take care of you and the baby.”
She couldn’t blame him for thinking that way, Natalia supposed. After all, hadn’t she had some of the same fears and doubts when she had first found out that she was pregnant? But she had realized just how wrong she was. Rafe just needed to see it too.
“No,” Natalia said firmly. “I can’t marry Frank. I don’t love him, Rafe. I love Olivia.”
“But he can make you happy. He won’t hurt you and you can go back to what’s normal - what’s right.”
“You think marrying a man that I don’t love is going to make me happy?” Natalia asked, her brows furrowing.
“You could love him though,” Rafe said like it was the most reasonable thing in the world. “He’s a good guy.”
An uncharitable thought flashed through Natalia’s mind, well, if you like him so much why don’t you marry him? She almost gasped, a little shocked at herself. She imagined for a moment how Rafe would look if she said something like that. She had never spoken to him that way before. And she wouldn’t start now. But, oh, would she tell Olivia later. Maybe. Because Olivia would look utterly startled for a moment before she collapsed with laughter and the look on her face, warm, proud, and understanding, would be so worth it.
“Frank is a good man,” Natalia agreed. “I couldn’t ask for a better father for this child, but just because he’s a good person doesn’t mean I would be happy with him. Have you even thought about what that would be like for me? To be with someone that I didn’t care about in that way? For the rest of my life. Is that really what you want for me? You told me once that all you really wanted was for me to be happy. I thought you meant it.”
“I do,” Rafe protested. “Of course I do.”
“But only the way that you think I should be happy.”
“You thought Frank could make you happy too. You were going to marry him.”
Natalia stopped, realization crashing over her. “No, that wasn’t why I agreed to marry Frank,” she said, shaking her head. Maybe this was where it had gone wrong. Somewhere between running away to Greece and being stuck behind bars, she and Rafe had stopped talking about the things that really mattered. There were so many things that he didn’t know.
“What?”
“I said yes to Frank because Olivia pushed me to marry him. She did that because she thought she couldn’t make me happy and he could. I went along with it because I thought Olivia didn’t want me.” Natalia sniffed, not proud of what she was about to say. “I thought that being with Frank would be better than being alone for the rest of my life.” She hesitated and shook her head. “I thought he would be good for you.”
“He is good for me, Ma. And he would be good for this baby too. Just give him a shot to be that guy for you.”
“Not when I have a chance to be with Olivia. That’s what she did for me, Raphael. She taught me to go after what I wanted, not just accept what I could get by with.”
Rafe shook his head, backing away. “I can’t do this. I can’t listen to this. I have to go.”
Natalia reached for him, touching his arm. He tensed, but didn’t jerk away.
“I’m not trying to tell you who you can and can’t talk to, but please don’t go to Frank about this yet. I haven’t told him about the baby yet - I saw you first - and I need to tell him myself.”
He made a motion that might have been a nod. He pulled away from her, but gently, not harshly, and walked out the door.
Natalia felt like crying. Instead she went and got the phone and called Olivia.
“Hey!” Olivia sounded giddy and excited.
Natalia wished she could share the sentiment. Just hearing Olivia’s voice was better, but worse at the same time. The tears that she had been fighting back welled up in her eyes.
“Hey,” Natalia replied, trying desperately to keep her voice even. She didn’t want Olivia to know that she was upset, but her voice betrayed her, breaking even over the single syllable.
“Natalia? What’s wrong?”
Natalia sniffed, trying to hold in her tears before any more escaped. “Nothing,” she murmured, forcing the word out.
“It doesn’t sound like nothing,” Olivia countered. There was a pause. “Do you want me to come over?”
In that pause, Natalia heard something more. She heard, Do you still want me? “Rafe was here when I got home.”
“Oh, Sweetie,” Olivia said sympathetically. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to-”
“Don’t,” Natalia said, cutting her off swiftly. “Don’t you dare say that, Olivia.” She took a deep breath. “I’m not ashamed or embarrassed that Rafe knows that I spent the night with you. I’m not even sure why I’m crying. I’m just a little emotional right now and I needed to hear your voice before I called Frank.”
“Okay,” Olivia said softly. Some of the fear had left her voice. “I can do that.” Silence sank in for a moment. “Now I can’t think of anything to say.”
Natalia laughed. “I think you’re doing pretty good.”
“Good,” Olivia said firmly. “You’re going to talk to Frank?” she asked, changing the subject and growing more serious.
“I was about to,” Natalia confirmed. “I told Rafe about the baby.”
“Oh?” Olivia asked feigning an air of indifference. “What did he say?”
“He was excited,” Natalia said. Technically it wasn’t a lie.
“Really?”
“Really,” Natalia confirmed. “He’s still not happy about us, but I think I made some progress.”
“That’s great, Sweetie. I’m so happy for you,” Olivia said encouragingly.
“Thank you,” Natalia hesitated. “I really want him to be okay with us, Olivia.”
“I know.”
“But I don’t need him to be.”
“Natalia...”
“No, I mean it, Olivia. I’ll hate it if he’s never okay with us and sometimes it will make me sad at what he’s missing out on. But it won’t make me regret what we have. You and Emma are such a big part of my life that I can’t imagine it without you anymore. I want you to know that.”
Silence echoed for a moment. Then Olivia sighed. “I just want you to be happy, Natalia. That’s all I’ve ever wanted and I know Rafe is a big part of that for you. I don’t want to come between the two of you.”
“You’re not,” Natalia said firmly. “You make me happy. Without you I would be miserable.”
“But Rafe-”
“Rafe is the one who’s upset. You didn’t do anything but try to help him and help me.”
“Not always. I haven’t been a very nice person.”
Natalia snorted. “You think I don’t know that?” she teased Olivia.
“Sometimes I wonder if you’ve forgotten,” Olivia admitted in a small voice.
“I haven’t forgotten anything,” Natalia said gently. “I know who you are, Olivia Spencer, the good and the bad. And I love you.”
“How?”
Natalia shrugged. Knowing Olivia couldn’t see her she struggled to find the words. She made a small, frustrated sound. “Because...I just do. Because you’re the only person who can get under my skin and make me really mad. You see more of me than I saw of myself and you pushed me to be a stronger person. No one’s ever cared about me enough to do that before.”
“So you’re saying you like me because I’m mean to you?”
“Olivia!” Natalia protested, with amused frustration at the way Olivia had twisted her words, but inwardly she was glad. If Olivia was laughing and teasing her, it meant that she accepted what Natalia said, believed it enough to hold onto it for a little while long. One day, eventually, it would be enough that Olivia would no longer need to ask and if that day never came it would be okay too.
“Fine,” Olivia said with a soft huff. “I’ll be nice, but you said-”
“Olivia,” Natalia interjected again. Silence hung between them, following Natalia’s exclamation but it was comfortable silence. It lasted until Olivia let out a small sigh.
“So you’re going to call Frank and tell him?”
“That’s the plan,” Natalia said, trying to sound as up-beat as possible. The thought of telling Frank was still...daunting. “I was going to ask him to meet me somewhere so I can tell him in person. It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you should tell someone over the phone.”
“Right,” Olivia agreed. “Think you can arrange another demonstration from the little one?”
Natalia gasped and there was a brief moment where she was at a loss for words. “You!” She shook her head, then added softly. “The only person I want close enough to me for a demonstration is you.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” Olivia said it casually, almost flippantly, but Natalia wasn’t fooled. She knew how much her simple declaration meant. “You should go,” she added. “Otherwise I’ll be tempted to come out there and monopolize the rest of your day.”
“I’d like that,” Natalia said smiling at Olivia’s innuendo.
“You say that now...” Olivia bantered back playfully.
“I would. Say that now,” Natalia clarified. “But I need to tell Frank. I asked Rafe not to say anything...”
“But Frank deserves to hear it from you,” Olivia finished for her.
“Exactly,” Natalia agreed. “Would it be okay if I came over after?”
“I’d like that very much,” Olivia replied and Natalia could almost see her soft smile.
“Okay,” Natalia said, suddenly feeling a little breathless but in an entirely different way from how she had begun the call. A much better way. “I’m going to hang up now.”
Olivia laughed. “Are we going to do that disgustingly cute thing where people argue about who should hang up first but no one ever does?”
“No,” Natalia said with a shake of her head. She had never done that even as a teenager and she couldn’t imagine starting now. She had a brief thought of hanging up and then wished Olivia would instead. She wrinkled her nose at her own thoughts and then said more firmly, “No. I’m going to hang up now. Good bye.”
“Bye,” Olivia said, infusing the simple word with enough warmth to send a shiver down Natalia’s spine.
And then they both managed to hang up.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Rafe Rivera, Blake Marler, Frank Cooper
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17 eventually, with mostly PG-13 stuff for now.
Word count: 36,471 (total)
Summary: It's the fifth of July. What will Natalia do?
Spoilers/Timeline Spoilers for everything through July 9th. Goes off canon after that.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: There's lesbian touching in this part. You've been warned.
Beta: Many thanks to aimlessla for looking over this massive thing for me, pointing out plot holes and my constant comma issues.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven || Part Eight || Part Nine || Part Ten
Part Eleven
“Where have you been?” Rafe demanded, sounding more like the parent than the child. He scrubbed his hands over tight curls, messing them up in his agitation. “I’ve been here for hours, Ma, and it’s still early - even for you.”
She considered telling Rafe what he wanted to hear, that she had just woken up early and decided to take care of a few errands. Or maybe, Father Ray had called from the hospital about a parishioner who had been in a car accident and who’s family needed a hot breakfast. No, Rafe had asked and he was old enough to hear the truth. She wouldn’t lie to him. Natalia couldn’t lie to him, dressed in a pair of Olivia’s old jeans and a faded t-shirt that Natalia had found in the back of a drawer.
Olivia had protested when she hadn’t chosen something nicer from Olivia’s ample closet, but Natalia had insisted that this was okay. She hadn’t regretted her choice for a minute though, after Olivia had leaned into her back, wrapping her arms around Natalia’s waist and saying that it didn’t matter because Natalia looked incredibly hot anyway. She had chastised Olivia for the comment, glancing over to make sure that Emma was safely out of earshot, still a little bit worried that Emma wasn’t completely okay with them, but secretly she had loved it. Seeing someone’s desire for her in the past had always made her feel self-conscious and on display, with Olivia it just made her feel loved.
“I spent the night with Olivia and Emma at the Beacon.”
Rafe folded his arms over his chest, stumbling backwards into the railing and shaking his head. “Spending the night with her in some hotel, Ma? Like some-” He broke off, his face contorting with the effort of choking back his anger.
Gone in an instant was the happy glow that had suffused Natalia upon waking up with Olivia. Gone was the peace and sense of hopefulness for what the day might bring. It was replaced with a memory, strong and visceral, of being sixteen years old, pregnant and in tears, devastation warring with disbelief as her father threw her out of the house, railing at her with harsh words that she would never forget.
“Go ahead,” Natalia said, pushing herself away from the side of the house, where she had been leaning. “Say it, Rafe. Say it if you’re going to think it. Like a whore.”
“Ma-”
“No.” For the first time she cut him off, refused to let him speak. She would not let history repeat itself. “Your grandfather called me that name when I told him that I was pregnant with you. Do you think I was a whore for sleeping with your father? Do you?” She demanded when he didn’t answer, stunned into silence.
He shook his head, looking a little frightened. “No, Ma, I didn’t-”
“Be quiet,” Natalia said in a tone that brooked no disagreement. “If I’m not a whore for being with Gus, then the same is true of being with Olivia.” Part of her still wanted to shy away from Rafe, part of her couldn’t believe she was saying this, but she couldn’t let Rafe keep saying things like that. She had given him time, now it was time for him to start listening to her. He was going to have a baby brother or sister soon and he needed to set a good example. It couldn’t hurt for Emma either.
“I love her just as much as I ever loved Gus,” Natalia said, her voice losing some of its firmness, breaking down with the need for Rafe to understand what she was saying. “What I feel for her is not evil or wrong. It’s a gift from God.”
“How can you say that?” Rafe lashed out again. “After everything she’s done to us. I heard the things she’s said to you. I know the way that she’s treated you. Why? Why would you do that with her? Why would you feel anything for her but hate and contempt? She’s not good enough for you, Ma. Don’t you get it?”
“I get that she gave me a job that paid well enough that, for the first time in my life, I only had to work one job. I get that she pushed me to strive for something - to live instead of just survive. She showed me that I could have so much more, Rafe, and wanting her is part of that. She gives me the freedom and the confidence in myself to look beyond what I’ve always known. How does that make her not good enough for me?”
“She tried to steal Gus from you and then she took his house - the only thing that we had left of him and she had to have that too!”
“And we’re so blameless?” Natalia asked quietly. “I cost her a heart, Rafe. You shot an innocent man. Both of us have done bad things.”
“Ma!” Rafe protested, sounding sucker-punched. “It was an accident.”
“I know that,” Natalia said. “But that doesn’t absolve you. You made a decision - a bad one - and you paid for it. You may not think so but Olivia’s paid for her mistakes too. More than you can imagine.”
Rafe fumed, silenced but still unable to accept what she was saying. “So what are you saying? You just want me to accept the two of you?”
“I would love that,” Natalia admitted. “But I don’t expect it from you right now. I just want you to give Olivia - and us - a chance.”
He fidgeted for a moment and Natalia waited, giving him a chance to say what he needed to. She had seen him like this so many times as a little boy, wanting so badly to ask her something, but nervous because he thought it would make her feel bad or he already knew the answer, but couldn’t help himself. She wondered what it was this time. It felt like progress that Rafe was hesitant and not just yelling.
“You say you don’t think there’s anything wrong with this...thing...with you and Olivia, but...” he took a deep breath. “If you really think that, then why didn’t you tell me? Why did you hide it from me?”
Tears stung Natalia’s eyes. “Because, honestly, I was scared that you wouldn’t understand, that you would hate me and I couldn’t stand that.”
“So you didn’t trust me?” Rafe asked sounding hurt.
“No,” Natalia said immediately. “Of course, I trust you. I just know that this is a big deal. It’s different. Rafe, I never thought I would be in a relationship with a woman. It took me a long time to accept what I was feeling for Olivia. I knew that it would take time for you too. I just wanted you to have a chance to get settled into living here before there was this other thing that you had to deal with too.”
“You can’t keep doing things like that, Ma,” Rafe said, shaking his head and looking away. “I’m not a kid anymore. I’m a man and you have to treat me like one.”
Natalia nodded, hating what he said even as she realized the truth of it. “I can try, Rafe, but it’s not going to be easy. You were the only person in my life for so long. I’m not going to get it right, right away, but I am going to try.” She hesitated. There was one more thing she had to say, but she didn’t think he was going to like it. “But if I’m going to treat you like a man, then you’re going to have to act like one.”
For a moment she thought Rafe was going to get angry again, protest that he did act like a man, but then he bit down on whatever he had been about to say and nodded.
“I can do that.”
“Good.” Natalia bit her lip. There was only one problem with this new agreement they had made between them. If she had really meant it, she would have to trust it now, immediately. If she didn’t, then Rafe really would have something to hold against her when he found out.
Natalia smiled at him tentatively. “Let’s go inside and sit down. There’s something I need to tell you.”
“What else you gonna spring on me, Ma? Is Olivia moving in or something?” He asked, laughing like it was impossible.
With her back to him, Natalia unlocked the door and pushed it open. She couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at her lips. “No, not yet, but soon, I hope. You should know I asked.”
“Ma...”
She shot him a look over her shoulder.
He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Fine, whatever.” He considered it for a second. “She told you no?”
“I hurt her when I didn’t show up at the barbecue the other day. I was scared about something, so I took Father Ray’s advice and went on a retreat.”
Rafe glanced up sharply, looking startled. “You went on a retreat? Why? Because of Olivia? Did she do something or...”
“No,” Natalia said quickly, shaking her head. “Actually that’s what I wanted to talk to you about - the reason why I left.”
“Okay.”
She tried to think of some way to ease Rafe into it, but couldn’t think of one. “I’m pregnant.”
Rafe stared, blinked. “You’re what?”
Natalia tried to smile. It was harder than she had thought it would be. “I’m going to have a baby. You’re going to have a little brother or sister.”
For a minute Rafe looked stunned. Then like the clouds parting after a particularly nasty storm, he smiled. “That’s great, Ma.” It was Natalia’s turn to be shocked when Rafe came toward her, wrapping her in a hug, burying his face in her shoulder and squeezing her tightly in his enthusiasm.
Natalia couldn’t remember the last time Rafe had seemed that genuinely happy around her and she held him back just as tightly, giving a little prayer of thanks for his response. Maybe this was when things would start to turn around for them.
She smiled at him when he let her go. She knew he would hate it, would see it as too much, but she couldn’t help it. Natalia turned away before he could comment on it, hoping he hadn’t seen the joy bubbling out of her.
“I have to say I’m a little bit surprised that you’re okay with this. Surprised, but happy,” Natalia added.
“Of course I’m happy, Ma. This is perfect,” Rafe exclaimed. “This is your chance. Don’t you see? You can marry Frank and he can take care of you and the baby.”
She couldn’t blame him for thinking that way, Natalia supposed. After all, hadn’t she had some of the same fears and doubts when she had first found out that she was pregnant? But she had realized just how wrong she was. Rafe just needed to see it too.
“No,” Natalia said firmly. “I can’t marry Frank. I don’t love him, Rafe. I love Olivia.”
“But he can make you happy. He won’t hurt you and you can go back to what’s normal - what’s right.”
“You think marrying a man that I don’t love is going to make me happy?” Natalia asked, her brows furrowing.
“You could love him though,” Rafe said like it was the most reasonable thing in the world. “He’s a good guy.”
An uncharitable thought flashed through Natalia’s mind, well, if you like him so much why don’t you marry him? She almost gasped, a little shocked at herself. She imagined for a moment how Rafe would look if she said something like that. She had never spoken to him that way before. And she wouldn’t start now. But, oh, would she tell Olivia later. Maybe. Because Olivia would look utterly startled for a moment before she collapsed with laughter and the look on her face, warm, proud, and understanding, would be so worth it.
“Frank is a good man,” Natalia agreed. “I couldn’t ask for a better father for this child, but just because he’s a good person doesn’t mean I would be happy with him. Have you even thought about what that would be like for me? To be with someone that I didn’t care about in that way? For the rest of my life. Is that really what you want for me? You told me once that all you really wanted was for me to be happy. I thought you meant it.”
“I do,” Rafe protested. “Of course I do.”
“But only the way that you think I should be happy.”
“You thought Frank could make you happy too. You were going to marry him.”
Natalia stopped, realization crashing over her. “No, that wasn’t why I agreed to marry Frank,” she said, shaking her head. Maybe this was where it had gone wrong. Somewhere between running away to Greece and being stuck behind bars, she and Rafe had stopped talking about the things that really mattered. There were so many things that he didn’t know.
“What?”
“I said yes to Frank because Olivia pushed me to marry him. She did that because she thought she couldn’t make me happy and he could. I went along with it because I thought Olivia didn’t want me.” Natalia sniffed, not proud of what she was about to say. “I thought that being with Frank would be better than being alone for the rest of my life.” She hesitated and shook her head. “I thought he would be good for you.”
“He is good for me, Ma. And he would be good for this baby too. Just give him a shot to be that guy for you.”
“Not when I have a chance to be with Olivia. That’s what she did for me, Raphael. She taught me to go after what I wanted, not just accept what I could get by with.”
Rafe shook his head, backing away. “I can’t do this. I can’t listen to this. I have to go.”
Natalia reached for him, touching his arm. He tensed, but didn’t jerk away.
“I’m not trying to tell you who you can and can’t talk to, but please don’t go to Frank about this yet. I haven’t told him about the baby yet - I saw you first - and I need to tell him myself.”
He made a motion that might have been a nod. He pulled away from her, but gently, not harshly, and walked out the door.
Natalia felt like crying. Instead she went and got the phone and called Olivia.
“Hey!” Olivia sounded giddy and excited.
Natalia wished she could share the sentiment. Just hearing Olivia’s voice was better, but worse at the same time. The tears that she had been fighting back welled up in her eyes.
“Hey,” Natalia replied, trying desperately to keep her voice even. She didn’t want Olivia to know that she was upset, but her voice betrayed her, breaking even over the single syllable.
“Natalia? What’s wrong?”
Natalia sniffed, trying to hold in her tears before any more escaped. “Nothing,” she murmured, forcing the word out.
“It doesn’t sound like nothing,” Olivia countered. There was a pause. “Do you want me to come over?”
In that pause, Natalia heard something more. She heard, Do you still want me? “Rafe was here when I got home.”
“Oh, Sweetie,” Olivia said sympathetically. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to-”
“Don’t,” Natalia said, cutting her off swiftly. “Don’t you dare say that, Olivia.” She took a deep breath. “I’m not ashamed or embarrassed that Rafe knows that I spent the night with you. I’m not even sure why I’m crying. I’m just a little emotional right now and I needed to hear your voice before I called Frank.”
“Okay,” Olivia said softly. Some of the fear had left her voice. “I can do that.” Silence sank in for a moment. “Now I can’t think of anything to say.”
Natalia laughed. “I think you’re doing pretty good.”
“Good,” Olivia said firmly. “You’re going to talk to Frank?” she asked, changing the subject and growing more serious.
“I was about to,” Natalia confirmed. “I told Rafe about the baby.”
“Oh?” Olivia asked feigning an air of indifference. “What did he say?”
“He was excited,” Natalia said. Technically it wasn’t a lie.
“Really?”
“Really,” Natalia confirmed. “He’s still not happy about us, but I think I made some progress.”
“That’s great, Sweetie. I’m so happy for you,” Olivia said encouragingly.
“Thank you,” Natalia hesitated. “I really want him to be okay with us, Olivia.”
“I know.”
“But I don’t need him to be.”
“Natalia...”
“No, I mean it, Olivia. I’ll hate it if he’s never okay with us and sometimes it will make me sad at what he’s missing out on. But it won’t make me regret what we have. You and Emma are such a big part of my life that I can’t imagine it without you anymore. I want you to know that.”
Silence echoed for a moment. Then Olivia sighed. “I just want you to be happy, Natalia. That’s all I’ve ever wanted and I know Rafe is a big part of that for you. I don’t want to come between the two of you.”
“You’re not,” Natalia said firmly. “You make me happy. Without you I would be miserable.”
“But Rafe-”
“Rafe is the one who’s upset. You didn’t do anything but try to help him and help me.”
“Not always. I haven’t been a very nice person.”
Natalia snorted. “You think I don’t know that?” she teased Olivia.
“Sometimes I wonder if you’ve forgotten,” Olivia admitted in a small voice.
“I haven’t forgotten anything,” Natalia said gently. “I know who you are, Olivia Spencer, the good and the bad. And I love you.”
“How?”
Natalia shrugged. Knowing Olivia couldn’t see her she struggled to find the words. She made a small, frustrated sound. “Because...I just do. Because you’re the only person who can get under my skin and make me really mad. You see more of me than I saw of myself and you pushed me to be a stronger person. No one’s ever cared about me enough to do that before.”
“So you’re saying you like me because I’m mean to you?”
“Olivia!” Natalia protested, with amused frustration at the way Olivia had twisted her words, but inwardly she was glad. If Olivia was laughing and teasing her, it meant that she accepted what Natalia said, believed it enough to hold onto it for a little while long. One day, eventually, it would be enough that Olivia would no longer need to ask and if that day never came it would be okay too.
“Fine,” Olivia said with a soft huff. “I’ll be nice, but you said-”
“Olivia,” Natalia interjected again. Silence hung between them, following Natalia’s exclamation but it was comfortable silence. It lasted until Olivia let out a small sigh.
“So you’re going to call Frank and tell him?”
“That’s the plan,” Natalia said, trying to sound as up-beat as possible. The thought of telling Frank was still...daunting. “I was going to ask him to meet me somewhere so I can tell him in person. It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you should tell someone over the phone.”
“Right,” Olivia agreed. “Think you can arrange another demonstration from the little one?”
Natalia gasped and there was a brief moment where she was at a loss for words. “You!” She shook her head, then added softly. “The only person I want close enough to me for a demonstration is you.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” Olivia said it casually, almost flippantly, but Natalia wasn’t fooled. She knew how much her simple declaration meant. “You should go,” she added. “Otherwise I’ll be tempted to come out there and monopolize the rest of your day.”
“I’d like that,” Natalia said smiling at Olivia’s innuendo.
“You say that now...” Olivia bantered back playfully.
“I would. Say that now,” Natalia clarified. “But I need to tell Frank. I asked Rafe not to say anything...”
“But Frank deserves to hear it from you,” Olivia finished for her.
“Exactly,” Natalia agreed. “Would it be okay if I came over after?”
“I’d like that very much,” Olivia replied and Natalia could almost see her soft smile.
“Okay,” Natalia said, suddenly feeling a little breathless but in an entirely different way from how she had begun the call. A much better way. “I’m going to hang up now.”
Olivia laughed. “Are we going to do that disgustingly cute thing where people argue about who should hang up first but no one ever does?”
“No,” Natalia said with a shake of her head. She had never done that even as a teenager and she couldn’t imagine starting now. She had a brief thought of hanging up and then wished Olivia would instead. She wrinkled her nose at her own thoughts and then said more firmly, “No. I’m going to hang up now. Good bye.”
“Bye,” Olivia said, infusing the simple word with enough warmth to send a shiver down Natalia’s spine.
And then they both managed to hang up.
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