![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: Even If It Killed Her
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 1,893
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note: I'm so far behind on replies, you guys. I'm sorry. I'll try to get to it this weekend. So tired right now.
Beta:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven || Part Eight || Part Nine || Part Ten || Part Eleven || Part Twelve || Part Thirteen || Part Fourteen || Part Fifteen || Part Sixteen || Part Seventeen || Part Eighteen
Part Nineteen
Two Months Later.
Rafe was sitting at the small table in the kitchen waiting for her when Natalia came down the stairs. Two plates of steaming eggs, crispy bacon and re-heated muffins sat on the plates, but Rafe was watching her - not eating. Which was very strange for the boy who had declared prison food to be crap - drawing a pointed look from her - and eaten everything in her house that hadn’t been nailed down almost from the moment he had gotten out of the halfway house.
Natalia watched him out of the corner of her eye as she went around the table and poured herself a cup of coffee. Rafe didn’t drink it, so he must have turned it on for her. Her son was being especially thoughtful this morning and while that made her happy, it also made her wary.
Rafe knew what today was just as well as she did. Even if, Natalia thought with a pang of regret, Olivia didn’t know. She had done it on purpose, holding back the details of her divorce from Olivia once Natalia realized the fear and uncertainty that it drew out of Olivia every time the subject came up. She knew Olivia was still afraid that she wouldn’t go through with it or that any one of Frank’s determined tactics would actually work to win her back or dissuade her from going through with the divorce, and Natalia couldn’t blame her for that. She had put Olivia through so much, but the moment she had decided to ask Frank for a divorce, everything had changed. She had gained absolute certainty and with it, unshakable determination, even if that unshakable determination sometimes came with shaking hands and trembling knees.
So Natalia had been keeping the details of her divorce from Olivia, only sharing with her in the most general sense what was going on. Olivia knew that it would all be over soon, but she didn’t know that today was the day that it would officially be over if Frank didn’t do anything else...stubborn. Natalia thought she had convinced him the last time, had made him see that it really was Olivia she wanted to be with no matter how he begged, pleaded or railed at her. But Frank had already put finalizing it off once, having his lawyer make a specious claim to drag things out and Natalia didn’t want to have to raise Olivia’s hopes again only to have them dashed.
Natalia put her coffee down and took a seat at the table. She smiled at Rafe, but didn’t pick up her fork.
“It looks good.”
Rafe moved for the first time, folding his arms over his chest and leaning back in his chair.
“Why are you doing this, Ma? I don’t understand.”
And there it was, the question she had been waiting for. Rafe had been asking some version of it since he had come home and found Frank gone. She had always told him the same thing, even as she struggled for a way to make him understand, to find a way to tell him that she had fallen in love with her best friend.
“I don’t love Frank, Rafe. It wasn’t right.”
Natalia had struggled with the words she wanted to say to him each day until now, when she had finally run out of time. She was still waiting for the perfect moment, but now she had to find the words because he deserved to know before things went any further with Olivia. Natalia wasn’t planning on holding back any longer, not after this final barrier keeping them apart was gone.
Rafe snorted. “So why’d you marry him then? You looked happy.” He said, flinging an arm out her in a bewildered accusation.
Natalia shook her head, feeling the words choking her. “This isn’t about Frank,” she whispered.
“Then what is it about, Ma?” Rafe asked, running his hands through his hair, tugging at tight curls.
The gesture made her smile. Rafe had done that since he was a little boy. Some days it felt as if she hardly knew him anymore. Natalia straightened, picking up her fork and taking a bite of her eggs. They were rubbery. She smiled a little bit more and chewed.
“It’s about me, Raphael,” Natalia said slowly, but gently. “I should never have agreed to marry Frank.” A pang of guilt tugged at her heart, not doubt about her decision, but regret that she had let things go so far. “I let what I was afraid other people would think dictate my actions.” She looked up at him, knowing he had no idea what she was talking about but hoping that he understood anyway. “I was scared, so I agreed to marry Frank because he was a good man. I knew he would be good for us.”
The chair scraped loudly as Rafe pushed away from the table, stumbling to his feet. “Scared of what? What aren’t you telling me, Ma? Has someone threatened you, or...or tried you make you do something?”
“No,” Natalia said quickly, instantly cutting off that line of thought. “Nothing like that.” She was doing this badly. She should have talked to Olivia, but they were barely talking. It was hard enough to restrain themselves around each other all day, without discussing the elephant that they both knew was in the room. Every look felt like so much more than a look. Their arms had brushed once and just that had sent a shiver through her entire body. No, by mutual, if unspoken consent they were both trying so very hard to wait until they were finally free to be together in every way because anything else was just too much. They pretended for their own sanity.
“Just...” she swallowed. “Just listen to me, Raphael. Hear me out.” And then she told him, in stumbling, halting phrases interspersed with longer sentences full of passion and conviction as she tried to tell him everything about Olivia in a rush, pouring out all of the good things as she tried to make certain that he heard what she was really saying.
Rafe was shaking his head before she could finish speaking. “What are you saying?” He tilted his head as if he had never seen her before. “You and Olivia?”
Knowing it wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear, Natalia said it anyway. She refused to lie about this any longer. “Yes.”
“No!” Rafe exclaimed, his voice booming out harshly in the small space of the kitchen. “Why? What are you... This is crazy, Ma! It’s Olivia. Don’t you remember what she did to you - to us? She took his heart.” He said it like he couldn’t believe she had forgotten.
“She didn’t take anything,” Natalia said. “I gave it to her.”
“It’s not right. The way she treats you is wrong. She takes advantage of you.”
“She doesn’t. She hasn’t,” Natalia shook her head in a quick denial. “Olivia hasn’t taken anything away from me that I haven’t been willing to give. And she’s given us so much.”
Rafe scoffed, but Natalia continued.
“She gave us this house and when I decided that I wanted to marry Frank.” Natalia had to pause and catch her breath at the words. How could she have been so foolish? How could something so wrong have seemed like the only option? “When I decided I wanted to marry Frank, she stood by me. She got me a beautiful wedding dress-” and Natalia still wasn’t certain Olivia hadn’t bought it for her, no matter what Olivia said “-and gave me a wedding like I had dreamed about my whole life. She stood with me and supported me, even though her heart was breaking. She encouraged me to marry Frank because she thought that was what I wanted. She did all that, Rafe. For me.”
“It’s not...” He turned away. “She doesn’t mean it, Ma. Don’t you see, it’s just one of her games. She’s messing with your head.”
“Why?” Natalia said plainly. “Why would she do that, Rafe?”
“Who knows?” He blurted out in frustration. “Why does she do anything? It’s Olivia. She doesn’t change. She just uses people until she can’t get anything else from them and then she throws them away.”
“Then why didn’t she throw me away?” The thought was almost physically painful for her, but if ever Olivia had been so inclined, marrying a man and denying everything that was between them was a reason no one could blame her for.
Rafe stared at her. He didn’t have an explanation, but he didn’t need one either. “It doesn’t make sense,” he finally blurted out, his words part-denial, part plea to tell him it wasn’t true. “Don’t do this. It isn’t you.”
“But it is me,” Natalia said simply. “I love her, Raphael, and she loves me. I need her and you are going to have to accept that. She is a part of my family, just like you. Just like your father. And some day she and Emma are going to move back into this house - God willing. We’re all going to be a family.” Her voice lowered to whisper. “You know it’s what I’ve always wanted for us.” Begging him for his understanding.
Rafe looked small, his body folded in on itself as he stood across from her in the kitchen. Even in prison, he had never felt this far away from her. “What if I can’t live with that?”
His words hit her like a gut punch. For a moment, Natalia couldn’t breathe, but she had faith, faith that God wouldn’t have given her this love, wouldn’t have brought them together like this just to rip her family apart. Natalia just needed to hold on until Rafe could see that having Olivia in their lives didn’t meaning losing something, but gaining everything.
“No,” Natalia said firmly, turning away from him to take her plate to the sink. She had to leave for work in just a few minutes and she didn’t want to be late. Natalia knew Olivia would worry, even if Natalia was only a little bit late, that she hadn’t showed up because she wasn’t coming. “You are my son, Raphael and you’re not going anywhere.” She glanced back over at him. “I just got you back home.” She held up a hand. “And I’m not letting you go just because you can’t see how good this is yet.” She smiled. “But you will, one day and then you’ll understand. Thank you for cooking breakfast.” Natalia brushed his cheek with her hand and gently kissed his forehead before she walked away, leaving him slightly stunned in her wake.
As soon as she was out of sight, Natalia let out a deep shuddering breath. Telling Rafe had been terrifying but the reason for all of it - Olivia - was well worth it. It would all be worth it when they were finally a family, and today when she and Frank finalized their divorce, that was what it would be - the beginning of a new family, instead of the sundering of one. What she and Frank had shared had been a parody of a union, what she and Olivia would soon share would be the real thing, of that Natalia was certain.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 1,893
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note: I'm so far behind on replies, you guys. I'm sorry. I'll try to get to it this weekend. So tired right now.
Beta:
jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic. Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven || Part Eight || Part Nine || Part Ten || Part Eleven || Part Twelve || Part Thirteen || Part Fourteen || Part Fifteen || Part Sixteen || Part Seventeen || Part Eighteen
Part Nineteen
Two Months Later.
Rafe was sitting at the small table in the kitchen waiting for her when Natalia came down the stairs. Two plates of steaming eggs, crispy bacon and re-heated muffins sat on the plates, but Rafe was watching her - not eating. Which was very strange for the boy who had declared prison food to be crap - drawing a pointed look from her - and eaten everything in her house that hadn’t been nailed down almost from the moment he had gotten out of the halfway house.
Natalia watched him out of the corner of her eye as she went around the table and poured herself a cup of coffee. Rafe didn’t drink it, so he must have turned it on for her. Her son was being especially thoughtful this morning and while that made her happy, it also made her wary.
Rafe knew what today was just as well as she did. Even if, Natalia thought with a pang of regret, Olivia didn’t know. She had done it on purpose, holding back the details of her divorce from Olivia once Natalia realized the fear and uncertainty that it drew out of Olivia every time the subject came up. She knew Olivia was still afraid that she wouldn’t go through with it or that any one of Frank’s determined tactics would actually work to win her back or dissuade her from going through with the divorce, and Natalia couldn’t blame her for that. She had put Olivia through so much, but the moment she had decided to ask Frank for a divorce, everything had changed. She had gained absolute certainty and with it, unshakable determination, even if that unshakable determination sometimes came with shaking hands and trembling knees.
So Natalia had been keeping the details of her divorce from Olivia, only sharing with her in the most general sense what was going on. Olivia knew that it would all be over soon, but she didn’t know that today was the day that it would officially be over if Frank didn’t do anything else...stubborn. Natalia thought she had convinced him the last time, had made him see that it really was Olivia she wanted to be with no matter how he begged, pleaded or railed at her. But Frank had already put finalizing it off once, having his lawyer make a specious claim to drag things out and Natalia didn’t want to have to raise Olivia’s hopes again only to have them dashed.
Natalia put her coffee down and took a seat at the table. She smiled at Rafe, but didn’t pick up her fork.
“It looks good.”
Rafe moved for the first time, folding his arms over his chest and leaning back in his chair.
“Why are you doing this, Ma? I don’t understand.”
And there it was, the question she had been waiting for. Rafe had been asking some version of it since he had come home and found Frank gone. She had always told him the same thing, even as she struggled for a way to make him understand, to find a way to tell him that she had fallen in love with her best friend.
“I don’t love Frank, Rafe. It wasn’t right.”
Natalia had struggled with the words she wanted to say to him each day until now, when she had finally run out of time. She was still waiting for the perfect moment, but now she had to find the words because he deserved to know before things went any further with Olivia. Natalia wasn’t planning on holding back any longer, not after this final barrier keeping them apart was gone.
Rafe snorted. “So why’d you marry him then? You looked happy.” He said, flinging an arm out her in a bewildered accusation.
Natalia shook her head, feeling the words choking her. “This isn’t about Frank,” she whispered.
“Then what is it about, Ma?” Rafe asked, running his hands through his hair, tugging at tight curls.
The gesture made her smile. Rafe had done that since he was a little boy. Some days it felt as if she hardly knew him anymore. Natalia straightened, picking up her fork and taking a bite of her eggs. They were rubbery. She smiled a little bit more and chewed.
“It’s about me, Raphael,” Natalia said slowly, but gently. “I should never have agreed to marry Frank.” A pang of guilt tugged at her heart, not doubt about her decision, but regret that she had let things go so far. “I let what I was afraid other people would think dictate my actions.” She looked up at him, knowing he had no idea what she was talking about but hoping that he understood anyway. “I was scared, so I agreed to marry Frank because he was a good man. I knew he would be good for us.”
The chair scraped loudly as Rafe pushed away from the table, stumbling to his feet. “Scared of what? What aren’t you telling me, Ma? Has someone threatened you, or...or tried you make you do something?”
“No,” Natalia said quickly, instantly cutting off that line of thought. “Nothing like that.” She was doing this badly. She should have talked to Olivia, but they were barely talking. It was hard enough to restrain themselves around each other all day, without discussing the elephant that they both knew was in the room. Every look felt like so much more than a look. Their arms had brushed once and just that had sent a shiver through her entire body. No, by mutual, if unspoken consent they were both trying so very hard to wait until they were finally free to be together in every way because anything else was just too much. They pretended for their own sanity.
“Just...” she swallowed. “Just listen to me, Raphael. Hear me out.” And then she told him, in stumbling, halting phrases interspersed with longer sentences full of passion and conviction as she tried to tell him everything about Olivia in a rush, pouring out all of the good things as she tried to make certain that he heard what she was really saying.
Rafe was shaking his head before she could finish speaking. “What are you saying?” He tilted his head as if he had never seen her before. “You and Olivia?”
Knowing it wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear, Natalia said it anyway. She refused to lie about this any longer. “Yes.”
“No!” Rafe exclaimed, his voice booming out harshly in the small space of the kitchen. “Why? What are you... This is crazy, Ma! It’s Olivia. Don’t you remember what she did to you - to us? She took his heart.” He said it like he couldn’t believe she had forgotten.
“She didn’t take anything,” Natalia said. “I gave it to her.”
“It’s not right. The way she treats you is wrong. She takes advantage of you.”
“She doesn’t. She hasn’t,” Natalia shook her head in a quick denial. “Olivia hasn’t taken anything away from me that I haven’t been willing to give. And she’s given us so much.”
Rafe scoffed, but Natalia continued.
“She gave us this house and when I decided that I wanted to marry Frank.” Natalia had to pause and catch her breath at the words. How could she have been so foolish? How could something so wrong have seemed like the only option? “When I decided I wanted to marry Frank, she stood by me. She got me a beautiful wedding dress-” and Natalia still wasn’t certain Olivia hadn’t bought it for her, no matter what Olivia said “-and gave me a wedding like I had dreamed about my whole life. She stood with me and supported me, even though her heart was breaking. She encouraged me to marry Frank because she thought that was what I wanted. She did all that, Rafe. For me.”
“It’s not...” He turned away. “She doesn’t mean it, Ma. Don’t you see, it’s just one of her games. She’s messing with your head.”
“Why?” Natalia said plainly. “Why would she do that, Rafe?”
“Who knows?” He blurted out in frustration. “Why does she do anything? It’s Olivia. She doesn’t change. She just uses people until she can’t get anything else from them and then she throws them away.”
“Then why didn’t she throw me away?” The thought was almost physically painful for her, but if ever Olivia had been so inclined, marrying a man and denying everything that was between them was a reason no one could blame her for.
Rafe stared at her. He didn’t have an explanation, but he didn’t need one either. “It doesn’t make sense,” he finally blurted out, his words part-denial, part plea to tell him it wasn’t true. “Don’t do this. It isn’t you.”
“But it is me,” Natalia said simply. “I love her, Raphael, and she loves me. I need her and you are going to have to accept that. She is a part of my family, just like you. Just like your father. And some day she and Emma are going to move back into this house - God willing. We’re all going to be a family.” Her voice lowered to whisper. “You know it’s what I’ve always wanted for us.” Begging him for his understanding.
Rafe looked small, his body folded in on itself as he stood across from her in the kitchen. Even in prison, he had never felt this far away from her. “What if I can’t live with that?”
His words hit her like a gut punch. For a moment, Natalia couldn’t breathe, but she had faith, faith that God wouldn’t have given her this love, wouldn’t have brought them together like this just to rip her family apart. Natalia just needed to hold on until Rafe could see that having Olivia in their lives didn’t meaning losing something, but gaining everything.
“No,” Natalia said firmly, turning away from him to take her plate to the sink. She had to leave for work in just a few minutes and she didn’t want to be late. Natalia knew Olivia would worry, even if Natalia was only a little bit late, that she hadn’t showed up because she wasn’t coming. “You are my son, Raphael and you’re not going anywhere.” She glanced back over at him. “I just got you back home.” She held up a hand. “And I’m not letting you go just because you can’t see how good this is yet.” She smiled. “But you will, one day and then you’ll understand. Thank you for cooking breakfast.” Natalia brushed his cheek with her hand and gently kissed his forehead before she walked away, leaving him slightly stunned in her wake.
As soon as she was out of sight, Natalia let out a deep shuddering breath. Telling Rafe had been terrifying but the reason for all of it - Olivia - was well worth it. It would all be worth it when they were finally a family, and today when she and Frank finalized their divorce, that was what it would be - the beginning of a new family, instead of the sundering of one. What she and Frank had shared had been a parody of a union, what she and Olivia would soon share would be the real thing, of that Natalia was certain.
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Love how you're working everything in.
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But I am very glad that I was encouraged to write this part, because I do think it was needed. It was kind of already nagging at me before it was mentioned and that was just the push I needed.
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I like this Rafe, the one who's concerned for his mother's happiness even if he his a little misguided in the way he goes about it, than the one who's standing around yelling about eternal damnation. That Rafe never made much sense to me.
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It was hard enough to restrain themselves around each other all day, without discussing the elephant that they both knew was in the room. Every look felt like so much more than a look. - I'll bet!
Oh, shut up Rafe.