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Title: Even If It Killed Her
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 2,064
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rysler reminded me that I had already finished The Importance of Family, so now I'm not really sure what to say here. Apologies for all the angst, maybe?
Beta:jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven || Part Eight || Part Nine || Part Ten || Part Eleven || Part Twelve || Part Thirteen || Part Fourteen || Part Fifteen || Part Sixteen
Part Seventeen
They were close, sitting barely inches away from one another on the floor, leaning up against the perfectly made bed. Both stared straight ahead, although Natalia kept taking quick glances at Olivia out of the corner of her eye.
"What does that mean, Natalia?" Olivia finally asked.
It seemed like a simple question, Natalia thought, but the answer to it was far from simple. She didn't know what the future would bring and she certainly didn't have everything worked out. There were still so many things that scared her. The last thing Olivia needed though was another reason to doubt her, not if she wanted to prove that she truly did love Olivia and that she was capable of being the person that Olivia deserved. "It means that I need you in my life."
"You already have that," Olivia pointed out. "I'm not going anywhere. No matter how hard this is."
But Olivia meant that as friends, Natalia realized immediately. She was still refusing to believe that it was possible that Natalia loved her the same way that she loved Natalia. She couldn't blame Olivia for that. In the past, her actions had done everything to encourage that. There was no way to excuse that she had married a man, knowing that Olivia loved her and that she didn't love him the way a wife should love her husband.
She had already come so close to pushing Olivia away completely. Only some inner strength, some bloody-minded sense of stubbornness had kept Olivia hanging on this long, past the point where any other person would have walked away. Natalia would always be grateful for that, but it was time to stop relying on Olivia's strength. It wasn't fair to make her carry that burden all of the time. If she continued to rely on that, there would eventually come a day when even Olivia's legendary persistence wasn't enough to keep her holding on and then Natalia truly would lose her. No matter what Olivia said, Natalia knew she had already come so close to losing her already. It was worse because the only person she had to blame for that was herself.
"I'm sorry," Natalia whispered, regret choking her. Her fingers dug into Olivia's leg.
"For what?" Olivia asked. "You haven't done anything."
"That's not true," Natalia corrected her. "You know that."
"Natalia..."
"No," Natalia cut her off, pulling her legs up underneath her as she struggled to sit up straighter. "I need to say this to you." She closed her eyes, and then forced herself to open them again, looking directly into Olivia's vivid green eyes, refusing to allow herself to look away from them - and from what she saw in them - again. "I'm sorry I married Frank. I'm sorry I hurt you. I knew...you told me how you felt and I went through with that anyway and that was unforgivable."
"I already forgave you." Olivia's voice was barely above a whisper and Natalia could see her eyes brimming with unshed tears again.
"I know you did," Natalia murmured. "And I have no idea why you have this wonderful capacity to forgive me but I'm so glad that you do. Even if I don't deserve it."
"You do."
Natalia snorted ruefully. There was no way she could believe that. "You deserve more than the way that I've been treating you. You deserve someone who wouldn't have completed that vow." She could see that moment in her mind so clearly. ...I stand here before God... She had known then that finishing that vow was wrong, a betrayal of everything she and Olivia had shared and massively unfair to Frank. Everything inside of her had screamed at her to stop it, to run away, to do whatever she had to, to ensure that she didn't go through with this travesty.
But she hadn't been strong enough to do it. She had let Rafe's and Buzz's and Frank's expectations weigh her down and dictate what she should do instead of following her heart and doing what she needed to do. She had taken the easy path, instead of the right one and she had hurt Olivia horribly in the process.
Natalia glanced away, unable to keep looking at Olivia in the face of her own actions. "You deserve someone who wouldn't have said 'yes' to Frank in the first place. But I'm not that person," Natalia continued. "I was weak."
"You were doing what you thought was best for everyone," Olivia corrected Natalia through her own tears.
"No, I was being a hypocrite," Natalia said with a pained look. "Did you know that as I stood there with Frank I was praying that someone would stop the wedding? That you would do something - anything - to keep it from happening."
"You could have said something." It was the closest to an accusation that Olivia had come and Natalia was almost glad that Olivia was finally allowing her to shoulder some of the blame for this, the blame that was rightfully all hers.
"I almost did," Natalia admitted. "Standing there, I was so close to just.... I almost turned and ran right out those doors."
"But you didn't," Olivia pointed out.
"I couldn't. Everything was so surreal. It happened so fast and I almost couldn't believe it. It was everything that I had ever wanted but I was horrified. You had just told me how you felt and I was so excited and scared and confused. I just needed some time and then I was walking down the aisle toward Frank and you were standing there waiting for me. It seemed like everyone was pushing me toward Frank and I just couldn't make it stop, no matter which way I turned, there was someone congratulating me or telling me how lucky I was or happy I should be. I couldn't disappoint all of them."
"So you married him," Olivia said flatly. "I get it."
"No, you don't." Natalia contradicted her immediately. "What I did was wrong. I should have fought for you because you mean so much more to me, more than anyone else except for our children. I know I broke your heart," Natalia said slowly. "But I promise you, if you give me a chance, I will never do that again."
Natalia didn't miss Olivia's slight gasp as she heard those words. She pressed on, knowing that she wasn't done yet. If she was going to do this, she needed to lay everything out on the table for Olivia, the way Olivia had for her. Natalia raised her hand from Olivia's thigh, ignoring the way it trembled with nerves, and tentatively touched Olivia's cheek. "I've seen what life without you would be like and I don't want that. I want to fight with you every morning about the right way to put away the dishes and bicker about who gets to eat the last cookie. I want to kiss you and hold you and...and..." Even now she couldn't quite say it. "...And more. I want a life with you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. Just give me a chance to prove it to you."
"I've seen that look before." The sudden change of subject startled Natalia. She had no idea what to make of it or of the slightly distracted look on Olivia's face, as her eyes seemed to bore into Natalia searching for something Natalia couldn't quite define.
"What?" She was still struggling to catch up with Olivia.
"The look on your face, just now." Olivia's eyes lit with understanding an instant later. "When I was in the hospital. I had just woken up and you were talking to me. You kissed my forehead and, and..." She seemed to realize that her words had out run her thoughts and she had said too much.
"You were awake?" Natalia asked, disbelief warring with hurt.
"Sort of," Olivia admitted.
"But you-" Natalia bit her own words off, confusion warring with her natural urge to not push past the point people were willing to go.
"Stopped you?" Olivia supplied the words for her instead.
"Yes."
"I know." She looked away. "God, I wish I hadn't."
For once, Natalia let the blasphemy slide. It almost sounded like a prayer and there were bigger things that they needed to discuss. "Why did you?" Olivia's tacit approval had given her the courage to press forward where she had held back a moment before.
"Because I was scared," Olivia admitted.
"Scared?" It was the last thing she had expected Olivia to say.
"I do get scared, you know." Olivia said tartly.
"I know you do," Natalia said simply, reaching over to touch her hand. "It's just, you were so brave when you told me how you felt in the cemetery that I didn't realize you were afraid before."
"I am," Olivia whispered. "I'm scared too. You make me feel things that no one else ever has. You hold my heart in your hand and you could crush it so easily. That's terrifying, Natalia."
"I don't want to hurt you," Natalia said. "I just want to love you. I want to make you happy."
Olivia remained silent and fear began to creep back into Natalia's heart. Olivia hadn't moved but she felt farther away now. Maybe rehashing the past wasn't the best idea just yet, but she wasn't going to let Olivia go, especially not when it was Olivia's own fears trying to reclaim her.
"That day, after I left the hospital, I went to the Church." That got Olivia's attention, drawing her eyes up to Natalia's.
"Confession?" Olivia barely breathed the word, trying to keep the bitter disappointment from her voice. This was exactly why she hadn't wanted to get involved with Natalia. Having Natalia view what they shared, the way they felt, as a sin was worse than never having acknowledged it.
"No," Natalia said clearly and firmly, one hand searching blindly for Olivia's and giving it a reassuring squeeze when she found it. "Not confession. Prayer. You see, after I almost kissed you I couldn't deny what I was feeling any longer. I was scared. I didn't want to lose you, but I finally admitted to myself that I loved you and I wanted you as more than just a friend. That day, when I took Gus' rings off, I didn't do it with the intention of agreeing to marry Frank. I took them off because I was finally ready to talk to you, to let you talk to me."
Olivia trembled under Natalia's hands. Tears began to stream down her face, first one and then another, more and more. "I didn't know. I was so scared. I thought you would be happier with him. I thought I was doing the right thing," Olivia blurted the words out, her breath hitching around sobs.
"Hey, shhh," Natalia comforted her, as Olivia began to fall apart. "It's okay." Without hesitation, Natalia pulled her closer, holding her as Olivia had held her when she had felt as if the world would never be right again. Gently she began to wipe the tears from Olivia's cheek with the pad of her thumb. "I'm sorry I said yes. I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you." The words turned into a litany as Olivia's sobs began to ease until finally she wasn't crying anymore.
Natalia fell silent as Olivia composed herself and straightened so that she could see her again. Natalia didn't think she had ever seen anyone look so vulnerable or so heart-achingly beautiful before. She opened her mouth to say so, but something stopped her. Instead she felt herself drawn forward, leaning over into Olivia's space, steadying herself with one hand on the floor. Her heart pounded wildly inside her chest and she hoped what she was about to do was okay, that it wouldn't be horrible or ruin anything. And then she kissed Olivia.
Lips met gently, chastely, and then Olivia's hand was on her hip, pulling her closer into Olivia's body. Natalia went willingly, never breaking contact with her as she did. Then Olivia was kissing her back, taking control of the kiss, sucking on Natalia's bottom lip. Natalia whimpered. She couldn't help the wanton sound from coming out, even as embarrassment coursed through her. She had never wanted anyone this much before.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 2,064
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note:
rysler reminded me that I had already finished The Importance of Family, so now I'm not really sure what to say here. Apologies for all the angst, maybe? Beta:
jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic. Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven || Part Eight || Part Nine || Part Ten || Part Eleven || Part Twelve || Part Thirteen || Part Fourteen || Part Fifteen || Part Sixteen
Part Seventeen
They were close, sitting barely inches away from one another on the floor, leaning up against the perfectly made bed. Both stared straight ahead, although Natalia kept taking quick glances at Olivia out of the corner of her eye.
"What does that mean, Natalia?" Olivia finally asked.
It seemed like a simple question, Natalia thought, but the answer to it was far from simple. She didn't know what the future would bring and she certainly didn't have everything worked out. There were still so many things that scared her. The last thing Olivia needed though was another reason to doubt her, not if she wanted to prove that she truly did love Olivia and that she was capable of being the person that Olivia deserved. "It means that I need you in my life."
"You already have that," Olivia pointed out. "I'm not going anywhere. No matter how hard this is."
But Olivia meant that as friends, Natalia realized immediately. She was still refusing to believe that it was possible that Natalia loved her the same way that she loved Natalia. She couldn't blame Olivia for that. In the past, her actions had done everything to encourage that. There was no way to excuse that she had married a man, knowing that Olivia loved her and that she didn't love him the way a wife should love her husband.
She had already come so close to pushing Olivia away completely. Only some inner strength, some bloody-minded sense of stubbornness had kept Olivia hanging on this long, past the point where any other person would have walked away. Natalia would always be grateful for that, but it was time to stop relying on Olivia's strength. It wasn't fair to make her carry that burden all of the time. If she continued to rely on that, there would eventually come a day when even Olivia's legendary persistence wasn't enough to keep her holding on and then Natalia truly would lose her. No matter what Olivia said, Natalia knew she had already come so close to losing her already. It was worse because the only person she had to blame for that was herself.
"I'm sorry," Natalia whispered, regret choking her. Her fingers dug into Olivia's leg.
"For what?" Olivia asked. "You haven't done anything."
"That's not true," Natalia corrected her. "You know that."
"Natalia..."
"No," Natalia cut her off, pulling her legs up underneath her as she struggled to sit up straighter. "I need to say this to you." She closed her eyes, and then forced herself to open them again, looking directly into Olivia's vivid green eyes, refusing to allow herself to look away from them - and from what she saw in them - again. "I'm sorry I married Frank. I'm sorry I hurt you. I knew...you told me how you felt and I went through with that anyway and that was unforgivable."
"I already forgave you." Olivia's voice was barely above a whisper and Natalia could see her eyes brimming with unshed tears again.
"I know you did," Natalia murmured. "And I have no idea why you have this wonderful capacity to forgive me but I'm so glad that you do. Even if I don't deserve it."
"You do."
Natalia snorted ruefully. There was no way she could believe that. "You deserve more than the way that I've been treating you. You deserve someone who wouldn't have completed that vow." She could see that moment in her mind so clearly. ...I stand here before God... She had known then that finishing that vow was wrong, a betrayal of everything she and Olivia had shared and massively unfair to Frank. Everything inside of her had screamed at her to stop it, to run away, to do whatever she had to, to ensure that she didn't go through with this travesty.
But she hadn't been strong enough to do it. She had let Rafe's and Buzz's and Frank's expectations weigh her down and dictate what she should do instead of following her heart and doing what she needed to do. She had taken the easy path, instead of the right one and she had hurt Olivia horribly in the process.
Natalia glanced away, unable to keep looking at Olivia in the face of her own actions. "You deserve someone who wouldn't have said 'yes' to Frank in the first place. But I'm not that person," Natalia continued. "I was weak."
"You were doing what you thought was best for everyone," Olivia corrected Natalia through her own tears.
"No, I was being a hypocrite," Natalia said with a pained look. "Did you know that as I stood there with Frank I was praying that someone would stop the wedding? That you would do something - anything - to keep it from happening."
"You could have said something." It was the closest to an accusation that Olivia had come and Natalia was almost glad that Olivia was finally allowing her to shoulder some of the blame for this, the blame that was rightfully all hers.
"I almost did," Natalia admitted. "Standing there, I was so close to just.... I almost turned and ran right out those doors."
"But you didn't," Olivia pointed out.
"I couldn't. Everything was so surreal. It happened so fast and I almost couldn't believe it. It was everything that I had ever wanted but I was horrified. You had just told me how you felt and I was so excited and scared and confused. I just needed some time and then I was walking down the aisle toward Frank and you were standing there waiting for me. It seemed like everyone was pushing me toward Frank and I just couldn't make it stop, no matter which way I turned, there was someone congratulating me or telling me how lucky I was or happy I should be. I couldn't disappoint all of them."
"So you married him," Olivia said flatly. "I get it."
"No, you don't." Natalia contradicted her immediately. "What I did was wrong. I should have fought for you because you mean so much more to me, more than anyone else except for our children. I know I broke your heart," Natalia said slowly. "But I promise you, if you give me a chance, I will never do that again."
Natalia didn't miss Olivia's slight gasp as she heard those words. She pressed on, knowing that she wasn't done yet. If she was going to do this, she needed to lay everything out on the table for Olivia, the way Olivia had for her. Natalia raised her hand from Olivia's thigh, ignoring the way it trembled with nerves, and tentatively touched Olivia's cheek. "I've seen what life without you would be like and I don't want that. I want to fight with you every morning about the right way to put away the dishes and bicker about who gets to eat the last cookie. I want to kiss you and hold you and...and..." Even now she couldn't quite say it. "...And more. I want a life with you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. Just give me a chance to prove it to you."
"I've seen that look before." The sudden change of subject startled Natalia. She had no idea what to make of it or of the slightly distracted look on Olivia's face, as her eyes seemed to bore into Natalia searching for something Natalia couldn't quite define.
"What?" She was still struggling to catch up with Olivia.
"The look on your face, just now." Olivia's eyes lit with understanding an instant later. "When I was in the hospital. I had just woken up and you were talking to me. You kissed my forehead and, and..." She seemed to realize that her words had out run her thoughts and she had said too much.
"You were awake?" Natalia asked, disbelief warring with hurt.
"Sort of," Olivia admitted.
"But you-" Natalia bit her own words off, confusion warring with her natural urge to not push past the point people were willing to go.
"Stopped you?" Olivia supplied the words for her instead.
"Yes."
"I know." She looked away. "God, I wish I hadn't."
For once, Natalia let the blasphemy slide. It almost sounded like a prayer and there were bigger things that they needed to discuss. "Why did you?" Olivia's tacit approval had given her the courage to press forward where she had held back a moment before.
"Because I was scared," Olivia admitted.
"Scared?" It was the last thing she had expected Olivia to say.
"I do get scared, you know." Olivia said tartly.
"I know you do," Natalia said simply, reaching over to touch her hand. "It's just, you were so brave when you told me how you felt in the cemetery that I didn't realize you were afraid before."
"I am," Olivia whispered. "I'm scared too. You make me feel things that no one else ever has. You hold my heart in your hand and you could crush it so easily. That's terrifying, Natalia."
"I don't want to hurt you," Natalia said. "I just want to love you. I want to make you happy."
Olivia remained silent and fear began to creep back into Natalia's heart. Olivia hadn't moved but she felt farther away now. Maybe rehashing the past wasn't the best idea just yet, but she wasn't going to let Olivia go, especially not when it was Olivia's own fears trying to reclaim her.
"That day, after I left the hospital, I went to the Church." That got Olivia's attention, drawing her eyes up to Natalia's.
"Confession?" Olivia barely breathed the word, trying to keep the bitter disappointment from her voice. This was exactly why she hadn't wanted to get involved with Natalia. Having Natalia view what they shared, the way they felt, as a sin was worse than never having acknowledged it.
"No," Natalia said clearly and firmly, one hand searching blindly for Olivia's and giving it a reassuring squeeze when she found it. "Not confession. Prayer. You see, after I almost kissed you I couldn't deny what I was feeling any longer. I was scared. I didn't want to lose you, but I finally admitted to myself that I loved you and I wanted you as more than just a friend. That day, when I took Gus' rings off, I didn't do it with the intention of agreeing to marry Frank. I took them off because I was finally ready to talk to you, to let you talk to me."
Olivia trembled under Natalia's hands. Tears began to stream down her face, first one and then another, more and more. "I didn't know. I was so scared. I thought you would be happier with him. I thought I was doing the right thing," Olivia blurted the words out, her breath hitching around sobs.
"Hey, shhh," Natalia comforted her, as Olivia began to fall apart. "It's okay." Without hesitation, Natalia pulled her closer, holding her as Olivia had held her when she had felt as if the world would never be right again. Gently she began to wipe the tears from Olivia's cheek with the pad of her thumb. "I'm sorry I said yes. I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you." The words turned into a litany as Olivia's sobs began to ease until finally she wasn't crying anymore.
Natalia fell silent as Olivia composed herself and straightened so that she could see her again. Natalia didn't think she had ever seen anyone look so vulnerable or so heart-achingly beautiful before. She opened her mouth to say so, but something stopped her. Instead she felt herself drawn forward, leaning over into Olivia's space, steadying herself with one hand on the floor. Her heart pounded wildly inside her chest and she hoped what she was about to do was okay, that it wouldn't be horrible or ruin anything. And then she kissed Olivia.
Lips met gently, chastely, and then Olivia's hand was on her hip, pulling her closer into Olivia's body. Natalia went willingly, never breaking contact with her as she did. Then Olivia was kissing her back, taking control of the kiss, sucking on Natalia's bottom lip. Natalia whimpered. She couldn't help the wanton sound from coming out, even as embarrassment coursed through her. She had never wanted anyone this much before.
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And kissed Olivia. *thud*.
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Waiting for more. :)
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and the kiss was incredible, but you are *such* a tease for leaving us hanging like that :)
can't wait for more...
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And great build up to the kissage.
Great discussion and Olivia's break down was so hearbreaking. She's trying so hard to keep everything together for herself and Emma, so much believing she was doing the right thing, she had to break some time. Glad she did it with Natalia.
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But...I actually hope they don't go further than that, at this moment. Start the divorce, annulment, whatever it's going to be first, for Olivia's sake if nothing else - so that she doesn't feel that she is a homewrecker yet again.
She is not, but don't think it would take much for her to feel like she is.
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I know I broke your heart," Natalia said slowly. "But I promise you, if you give me a chance, I will never do that again." - *squee*
"I do get scared, you know." Olivia said tartly. - Hehe
Without hesitation, Natalia pulled her closer, holding her as Olivia had held her when she had felt as if the world would never be right again. Gently she began to wipe the tears from Olivia's cheek with the pad of her thumb. "I'm sorry I said yes. I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you." The words turned into a litany as Olivia's sobs began to ease until finally she wasn't crying anymore. - Love that!!! *iz moar ded*
And then she kissed Olivia. - YEE-HA!!! Numfar, do the dance of joy!
So happy. :D