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Title: Even If It Killed Her
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 2057
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note: I see you there, sitting behind your computer, wondering why I'm posting this when I haven't even finished The Importance of Family yet. And you're right, but I'm still putting the finishing touches on that one, and this is all finished. It's sitting here on my computer, staring at me, daring me to post it. So posting it, I am.
Beta:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven || Part Eight || Part Nine
Part Ten
The silence in the living room had grown from uncomfortable to almost unbearable after her and Frank’s brief exchange. It wasn’t that she couldn’t make polite conversation, after all she was the master of meaningless chit-chat, but her heart wasn’t in it tonight and talking to Frank only seemed to make him say things that twisted the knife in her heart just a little bit more.
Finally it was too much. If she sat there a moment longer, she was going to say or do something she would regret later, or probably should regret anyway. Olivia rose from the couch. “I think I’m going to go check on Natalia. See how dinner’s coming and if, you know, she needs any help.”
Like Natalia would allow Olivia to do more than watch in her beloved kitchen, but even the ever-present awkwardness with Natalia was better than the conflicting stew of emotions that she felt whenever she was around Frank. Natalia brought out the best in her, Frank resurrected her desire to return to her former self. Since she was far from a saint, it was time to remove herself from temptation.
When she entered the kitchen, Natalia was standing in front of the stove, her back to Olivia, tending to the pots on the burners. Everything about the way she stood there, the angle of her hips, the slight hunch of her shoulders and the fall of her hair, was achingly familiar. How many times had she stood here and imagined slipping up behind Natalia, wrapping her arms around Natalia's waist and laying her head against Natalia’s shoulder, only to have Natalia turn and greet her with a kiss?
Olivia shook her head, running her hand through her hair and pushing it back out of her face. She had to break herself out of the spell that was falling back over her with cascading intensity the longer that she spent here.
“Whatcha cooking?” She asked quietly, trying not to startle Natalia.
She didn’t quite succeed as Natalia whipped around, a smile flashing across her face as she saw Olivia standing there. “Emma’s favorite: Spaghetti and meatballs.”
“Easy to whip up too.” Olivia said agreeably. She stepped further into the kitchen until only the small table was separating her from Natalia. “I’m sorry you didn’t have any warning about the extra company.”
Natalia shrugged. “I’m not. I’m glad you and Emma came over.”
Olivia edged a little bit closer. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“You and Emma could come over more often.”
The snort of laughter spilled out of her lips before she could hold it back, but it still felt good to be able to laugh. At Natalia’s look, she explained. “I didn’t mean that; I meant with dinner.”
“Oh.” Natalia flushed, red spreading across her cheeks and down onto her neck. Olivia resolutely refused to see if it continued down her chest. “Well, how was I supposed to know! You’ve never offered to help with dinner before.”
“There’s a first time for everything,” Olivia said, not having to try hard to summon an air of injured pride. “But I can rescind my offer if that would make you feel better.”
“Oh, no,” Natalia cut in quickly. “You’re not getting out of it that easily, Missy. You volunteered.”
Whatever else she had been about to say never made it out of her mouth as Olivia glanced up sharply to reply, but the rebuttal on her lips died an instant death when her gaze caught Natalia’s and held. The good humor and ease that had flowed between them vanished just as quickly. Natalia felt like a rabbit caught in headlights, immobilized by the overwhelming nature of what she saw.
How many times had she caught Olivia looking at her like this and refused to see what it meant? The power of it was breathtaking and now that she was sure of what she was seeing the adoration and want in Olivia’s eyes made her weak in the knees. This was what she had given up when she married Frank. This was what she could have had every day for the rest of her life, if she had just been brave enough to reach out and take it. But she hadn’t been. She had allowed her fear to control her and now they were here, in her kitchen, trapped in this moment that she didn’t ever want to end.
And then Olivia dropped her head, her gaze falling away from Natalia and breaking the connection between them. Olivia was playing with fire and that hadn’t been her intention. Natalia had made her decision, not once, but twice when she had allowed Olivia to pull her away from Gus’ grave and then when she had said her vows to Frank. There was nothing Natalia could to do make it any clearer that Olivia wasn’t what she wanted and she was going to respect that decision even if it killed. Oh, she was fairly confident that if she wanted to she could seduce Natalia, drawing her in like a moth to flame, but just like the moth, Natalia would be destroyed and doing that would her hurt even worse than watching Natalia with Frank.
“I, um…” Natalia stammered blindly, trying to find words that made sense, trying to grasp on to what she wanted to say. “Actually, I think dinner is ready. Why don’t you just…” She gestured loosely with her hands. “I'll go call Emma and Frank.”
“And she flees the scene of the crime,” Olivia murmured under her breath as she watched Natalia practically sprint from the kitchen and into the living room. She glanced down at the table set for four and rolled her eyes for the second time that night. “Oh, this is going to be delightful.”
*** *** ***
This, Emma decided, was not how it was supposed to have gone. She had finally gotten to come back to the farmhouse, but nothing was the same. Frank was sitting in Olivia's spot at the table, forcing her to sit across from Natalia instead of just beside her like Olivia always did. He hadn't even asked, he had just done it. Emma had even seen the brief moment of disorientation when Natalia went to lay the plates on the table.
The biggest change came a few minutes later after everyone was seated. Frank grabbed a fork and dove in. Part of Emma didn't blame him. The spaghetti and meatballs smelled so good they were making her mouth water. The other part of her was aghast. Natalia always had them say grace before they began eating, no matter what. She said there was no good excuse for forgetting to thank the Lord for the blessings you had received.
The moment after Frank took his first bite something even stranger happened. Emma looked from Frank to Olivia, only to find her looking expectantly at Natalia. Following her mother's gaze, Emma caught the brief shake of Natalia's head and the way her Mommy's lips pursed into a thin line of displeasure. They had only been living at the farmhouse for a few weeks before Emma had started noticing these silent communications between her Mommy and Natalia. She hadn't always understood them, but she rarely missed them and sometimes she thought she saw more than either woman intended.
"Frank." Olivia's voice cut into the silence that was only being broken by the clink of fork against spoon as Frank twirled another bite of noodles onto his silverware.
Frank looked up from his plate only then noticing the absolute silence and stillness of the others at the table.
"Natalia usually says grace before we eat."
"Oh." He flushed, looking embarrassed. "Sorry," he murmured. "Bachelor. Got out of the habit."
"Didn't you and Natalia say grace when Rafe was here?" Emma asked, curiosity taking over.
"We did," Frank agreed. "I just forgot. Sorry, Ladies." He touched Natalia's arm. "Sorry, Baby."
Natalia shook her head mutely. Out of the corner of her eye, Emma caught her mother rolling her eyes. She giggled before she could help herself, clapping her hand over her mouth, knowing that it wasn't the right moment even as she did.
"What's so funny, you?" Natalia asked scrunching up her nose and looking over at Emma.
She wasn't allowed to lie, Emma knew that, but she didn't want to get her mom in trouble either. If Uncle Frank hadn't been there she would have just said it, but somehow it didn't seem right with him there. Mutely, Emma just shook her head.
"Uh-huh," Natalia said knowingly and let it go, but Emma didn't miss the way she glanced over at Olivia. Somehow Natalia always seemed to just know.
"Uh, I could say grace now unless you would rather..." Frank trailed off, looking over at Natalia.
"No, go ahead," Natalia said, automatically holding her hands out to Emma and Frank on either side of her. She missed the feel of Olivia's hand in hers and some perverse part of Natalia made her stare across the table, trying to catch Olivia's eye. But despite the fact that she was directly across from her, Olivia wouldn't meet her eyes.
Irritation began to build under her skin, the kind of reaction that only Olivia could provoke in her. She knew why Olivia wasn't meeting her eyes, or at least what she would say if they weren't having this dinner that was quickly becoming excruciating in its awkwardness. Olivia was disappointed in her because she hadn't spoken up, hadn't been willing to remind Frank of the traditions of her home, the rituals of her faith. She had been stunned though when Olivia had done it for her. Natalia was well aware of Olivia's feelings about religion. Olivia had always pushed her to be stronger though and she expected so much more from Natalia than what she felt capable of at times. The thing that irritated Natalia the most was that Olivia had been right. If it had been anyone else sitting at her table, Natalia would have spoken up, not rudely, but gently and politely. Instead she had backed down, refusing to say anything to Frank and she wasn't sure why, but she didn't like it.
Her responses grew shorter as the conversation continued, with Frank trying to draw her out to no success, leaving him bewildered, while Olivia remained almost mute on her side of the table. Natalia didn't think she had spoken again after her reminder to Frank, except for monosyllabic responses when it was absolutely required. Even Emma looked subdued.
When Frank shot her a hopeful, reassuring smile, Natalia felt sick. This was nothing like the evenings the three of them used to share in this same kitchen. It was tense and stilted where before it had been warm and full of free flowing conversation and high-pitched giggles. Every part of her heart ached for Olivia who had withdrawn more and more throughout the evening. Natalia was almost desperate to reach out to her, to lift the depression from her shoulders and tease a smile from her lips. It was something she was usually good at, but tonight everything she wanted to say seemed to be trapped inside of her and unable to get out. If only... If only a thousand things, a hundred decisions that she could have made differently. Wishing, hoping, praying wouldn't make this moment any different or any more bearable. But she hadn't chosen differently, every decision she had made had brought her right here to this table, with these people, exactly where she thought she had wanted to be. Only it wasn't. Or not completely, and now she wasn't even sure how to get back to what she wanted, or what exactly she did want.
"It's getting late." Olivia's voice jerked her sharply out of her thoughts and her focus snapped upward as she realized that Olivia was already standing and holding a hand out to Emma. "We should get going, but this has been a really great...meal."
Natalia was almost grateful for it to come to an end. It didn't make it any easier to accept Olivia's continued refusal to even look at her as she walked the two of them out to Olivia's car. It only intensified the ache in her heart.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 2057
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note: I see you there, sitting behind your computer, wondering why I'm posting this when I haven't even finished The Importance of Family yet. And you're right, but I'm still putting the finishing touches on that one, and this is all finished. It's sitting here on my computer, staring at me, daring me to post it. So posting it, I am.
Beta:
jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic. Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven || Part Eight || Part Nine
Part Ten
The silence in the living room had grown from uncomfortable to almost unbearable after her and Frank’s brief exchange. It wasn’t that she couldn’t make polite conversation, after all she was the master of meaningless chit-chat, but her heart wasn’t in it tonight and talking to Frank only seemed to make him say things that twisted the knife in her heart just a little bit more.
Finally it was too much. If she sat there a moment longer, she was going to say or do something she would regret later, or probably should regret anyway. Olivia rose from the couch. “I think I’m going to go check on Natalia. See how dinner’s coming and if, you know, she needs any help.”
Like Natalia would allow Olivia to do more than watch in her beloved kitchen, but even the ever-present awkwardness with Natalia was better than the conflicting stew of emotions that she felt whenever she was around Frank. Natalia brought out the best in her, Frank resurrected her desire to return to her former self. Since she was far from a saint, it was time to remove herself from temptation.
When she entered the kitchen, Natalia was standing in front of the stove, her back to Olivia, tending to the pots on the burners. Everything about the way she stood there, the angle of her hips, the slight hunch of her shoulders and the fall of her hair, was achingly familiar. How many times had she stood here and imagined slipping up behind Natalia, wrapping her arms around Natalia's waist and laying her head against Natalia’s shoulder, only to have Natalia turn and greet her with a kiss?
Olivia shook her head, running her hand through her hair and pushing it back out of her face. She had to break herself out of the spell that was falling back over her with cascading intensity the longer that she spent here.
“Whatcha cooking?” She asked quietly, trying not to startle Natalia.
She didn’t quite succeed as Natalia whipped around, a smile flashing across her face as she saw Olivia standing there. “Emma’s favorite: Spaghetti and meatballs.”
“Easy to whip up too.” Olivia said agreeably. She stepped further into the kitchen until only the small table was separating her from Natalia. “I’m sorry you didn’t have any warning about the extra company.”
Natalia shrugged. “I’m not. I’m glad you and Emma came over.”
Olivia edged a little bit closer. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“You and Emma could come over more often.”
The snort of laughter spilled out of her lips before she could hold it back, but it still felt good to be able to laugh. At Natalia’s look, she explained. “I didn’t mean that; I meant with dinner.”
“Oh.” Natalia flushed, red spreading across her cheeks and down onto her neck. Olivia resolutely refused to see if it continued down her chest. “Well, how was I supposed to know! You’ve never offered to help with dinner before.”
“There’s a first time for everything,” Olivia said, not having to try hard to summon an air of injured pride. “But I can rescind my offer if that would make you feel better.”
“Oh, no,” Natalia cut in quickly. “You’re not getting out of it that easily, Missy. You volunteered.”
Whatever else she had been about to say never made it out of her mouth as Olivia glanced up sharply to reply, but the rebuttal on her lips died an instant death when her gaze caught Natalia’s and held. The good humor and ease that had flowed between them vanished just as quickly. Natalia felt like a rabbit caught in headlights, immobilized by the overwhelming nature of what she saw.
How many times had she caught Olivia looking at her like this and refused to see what it meant? The power of it was breathtaking and now that she was sure of what she was seeing the adoration and want in Olivia’s eyes made her weak in the knees. This was what she had given up when she married Frank. This was what she could have had every day for the rest of her life, if she had just been brave enough to reach out and take it. But she hadn’t been. She had allowed her fear to control her and now they were here, in her kitchen, trapped in this moment that she didn’t ever want to end.
And then Olivia dropped her head, her gaze falling away from Natalia and breaking the connection between them. Olivia was playing with fire and that hadn’t been her intention. Natalia had made her decision, not once, but twice when she had allowed Olivia to pull her away from Gus’ grave and then when she had said her vows to Frank. There was nothing Natalia could to do make it any clearer that Olivia wasn’t what she wanted and she was going to respect that decision even if it killed. Oh, she was fairly confident that if she wanted to she could seduce Natalia, drawing her in like a moth to flame, but just like the moth, Natalia would be destroyed and doing that would her hurt even worse than watching Natalia with Frank.
“I, um…” Natalia stammered blindly, trying to find words that made sense, trying to grasp on to what she wanted to say. “Actually, I think dinner is ready. Why don’t you just…” She gestured loosely with her hands. “I'll go call Emma and Frank.”
“And she flees the scene of the crime,” Olivia murmured under her breath as she watched Natalia practically sprint from the kitchen and into the living room. She glanced down at the table set for four and rolled her eyes for the second time that night. “Oh, this is going to be delightful.”
*** *** ***
This, Emma decided, was not how it was supposed to have gone. She had finally gotten to come back to the farmhouse, but nothing was the same. Frank was sitting in Olivia's spot at the table, forcing her to sit across from Natalia instead of just beside her like Olivia always did. He hadn't even asked, he had just done it. Emma had even seen the brief moment of disorientation when Natalia went to lay the plates on the table.
The biggest change came a few minutes later after everyone was seated. Frank grabbed a fork and dove in. Part of Emma didn't blame him. The spaghetti and meatballs smelled so good they were making her mouth water. The other part of her was aghast. Natalia always had them say grace before they began eating, no matter what. She said there was no good excuse for forgetting to thank the Lord for the blessings you had received.
The moment after Frank took his first bite something even stranger happened. Emma looked from Frank to Olivia, only to find her looking expectantly at Natalia. Following her mother's gaze, Emma caught the brief shake of Natalia's head and the way her Mommy's lips pursed into a thin line of displeasure. They had only been living at the farmhouse for a few weeks before Emma had started noticing these silent communications between her Mommy and Natalia. She hadn't always understood them, but she rarely missed them and sometimes she thought she saw more than either woman intended.
"Frank." Olivia's voice cut into the silence that was only being broken by the clink of fork against spoon as Frank twirled another bite of noodles onto his silverware.
Frank looked up from his plate only then noticing the absolute silence and stillness of the others at the table.
"Natalia usually says grace before we eat."
"Oh." He flushed, looking embarrassed. "Sorry," he murmured. "Bachelor. Got out of the habit."
"Didn't you and Natalia say grace when Rafe was here?" Emma asked, curiosity taking over.
"We did," Frank agreed. "I just forgot. Sorry, Ladies." He touched Natalia's arm. "Sorry, Baby."
Natalia shook her head mutely. Out of the corner of her eye, Emma caught her mother rolling her eyes. She giggled before she could help herself, clapping her hand over her mouth, knowing that it wasn't the right moment even as she did.
"What's so funny, you?" Natalia asked scrunching up her nose and looking over at Emma.
She wasn't allowed to lie, Emma knew that, but she didn't want to get her mom in trouble either. If Uncle Frank hadn't been there she would have just said it, but somehow it didn't seem right with him there. Mutely, Emma just shook her head.
"Uh-huh," Natalia said knowingly and let it go, but Emma didn't miss the way she glanced over at Olivia. Somehow Natalia always seemed to just know.
"Uh, I could say grace now unless you would rather..." Frank trailed off, looking over at Natalia.
"No, go ahead," Natalia said, automatically holding her hands out to Emma and Frank on either side of her. She missed the feel of Olivia's hand in hers and some perverse part of Natalia made her stare across the table, trying to catch Olivia's eye. But despite the fact that she was directly across from her, Olivia wouldn't meet her eyes.
Irritation began to build under her skin, the kind of reaction that only Olivia could provoke in her. She knew why Olivia wasn't meeting her eyes, or at least what she would say if they weren't having this dinner that was quickly becoming excruciating in its awkwardness. Olivia was disappointed in her because she hadn't spoken up, hadn't been willing to remind Frank of the traditions of her home, the rituals of her faith. She had been stunned though when Olivia had done it for her. Natalia was well aware of Olivia's feelings about religion. Olivia had always pushed her to be stronger though and she expected so much more from Natalia than what she felt capable of at times. The thing that irritated Natalia the most was that Olivia had been right. If it had been anyone else sitting at her table, Natalia would have spoken up, not rudely, but gently and politely. Instead she had backed down, refusing to say anything to Frank and she wasn't sure why, but she didn't like it.
Her responses grew shorter as the conversation continued, with Frank trying to draw her out to no success, leaving him bewildered, while Olivia remained almost mute on her side of the table. Natalia didn't think she had spoken again after her reminder to Frank, except for monosyllabic responses when it was absolutely required. Even Emma looked subdued.
When Frank shot her a hopeful, reassuring smile, Natalia felt sick. This was nothing like the evenings the three of them used to share in this same kitchen. It was tense and stilted where before it had been warm and full of free flowing conversation and high-pitched giggles. Every part of her heart ached for Olivia who had withdrawn more and more throughout the evening. Natalia was almost desperate to reach out to her, to lift the depression from her shoulders and tease a smile from her lips. It was something she was usually good at, but tonight everything she wanted to say seemed to be trapped inside of her and unable to get out. If only... If only a thousand things, a hundred decisions that she could have made differently. Wishing, hoping, praying wouldn't make this moment any different or any more bearable. But she hadn't chosen differently, every decision she had made had brought her right here to this table, with these people, exactly where she thought she had wanted to be. Only it wasn't. Or not completely, and now she wasn't even sure how to get back to what she wanted, or what exactly she did want.
"It's getting late." Olivia's voice jerked her sharply out of her thoughts and her focus snapped upward as she realized that Olivia was already standing and holding a hand out to Emma. "We should get going, but this has been a really great...meal."
Natalia was almost grateful for it to come to an end. It didn't make it any easier to accept Olivia's continued refusal to even look at her as she walked the two of them out to Olivia's car. It only intensified the ache in her heart.
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And Frank needs a whupping - denseness personified
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Yeah, Frank did miss a thing or two there. I think what's so frustrating about him though is it's not on purpose. It's just Frank.
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Thankfully, Frank is being helpful by being his usual asshat self. It is amazing how selfishly he takes over the house and totally runs over Natalia's traditions. If all guys were like that I'd so be straight! How could I not fall for someone like that? ;)
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Frank, gosh!
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“Oh, no,” Natalia cut in quickly. “You’re not getting out of it that easily, Missy. You volunteered.” - Hehe
Love the rest of that scene in the kitchen, where Natalia realizes what that look from Olivia means.
“And she flees the scene of the crime,” - Heh
“Oh, this is going to be delightful.” - Hehehe
Emma had even seen the brief moment of disorientation when Natalia went to lay the plates on the table. - Observant little 'bean, isn't she?
Emma looked from Frank to Olivia, only to find her looking expectantly at Natalia. Following her mother's gaze, Emma caught the brief shake of Natalia's head and the way her Mommy's lips pursed into a thin line of displeasure. They had only been living at the farmhouse for a few weeks before Emma had started noticing these silent communications between her Mommy and Natalia. - Oh that's so cool.
Love that Olivia called him out on it.
She wasn't allowed to lie, Emma knew that, but she didn't want to get her mom in trouble either. If Uncle Frank hadn't been there she would have just said it, but somehow it didn't seem right with him there. Mutely, Emma just shook her head. - Ah, she learns.
She knew why Olivia wasn't meeting her eyes, or at least what she would say if they weren't having this dinner that was quickly becoming excruciating in its awkwardness. Olivia was disappointed in her because she hadn't spoken up, hadn't been willing to remind Frank of the traditions of her home, the rituals of her faith. She had been stunned though when Olivia had done it for her. Natalia was well aware of Olivia's feelings about religion. Olivia had always pushed her to be stronger though and she expected so much more from Natalia than what she felt capable of at times. The thing that irritated Natalia the most was that Olivia had been right. If it had been anyone else sitting at her table, Natalia would have spoken up - Neat! Love it.