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Title: The Importance of Family
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Ava Peralta, Emma Spencer, Jeffrey O'neil
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: R...I'm gonna say because there are some disturbing themes explored in here and some violence, although I don't think either is described in graphic detail.
Word count: 5,153
Summary: Life goes on. Sometimes it throws you a curveball and you never know what's coming your way on any given day.
Spoilers: Takes place around Thanksgiving '10, and includes the events of the finale.
Author's Note: This fic is solely for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kelltwomyn. I was bemoaning the fact that I wasn't going to be able to afford a Venice subscription and she swooped in and got when for me when I said I'd be willing to offer fic in exchange. I hope this fic is both somewhat what you were hoping for and also worth your ten bucks and the wait. I really have enjoyed Venice so far. Thank you. :)
Beta: Many thanks toq_wordy13 & aimlessla for beta'ing this for me! Your insights, comments, suggestions and encouragement have all been very much appreciated! :D
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Warning: This story eventually deals with Olivia's rape. I don't think it's discussed graphically, but I don't want anyone to stumble upon it unaware either.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven
Part Eight
Olivia had the front door open before Frank had even stepped onto the porch. She had missed her baby girl all day and she hadn't been able to stop herself from glancing out the window every five minutes keeping an eye out for Frank's car even as she put the finishing touches on the decorations in the living room. When she finally did see him, Olivia had almost dropped the floral arrangement that she had been holding in her haste to get to the door.
"Hey, Frankie!" If he looked startled to see her come out so quickly, she barely noticed, her attention focused firmly on Francesca, looking slightly rumpled and still groggy in her father's arms, her head laying against his shoulder as she stared out at nothing.
When she caught sight of Olivia, her eyes brightened and she held out short, chubby arms toward Olivia. "Mama!"
The exclamation never failed to melt Olivia's heart though she tried to keep it from being too obvious. She had a reputation to maintain, after all. Couldn't have everyone thinking she was a softy. It didn't stop her from holding her arms out for Francesca, however, her eyes only flicking to Frank for an instant - seeking not permission or approval but acknowledgment. As much as she might have hoped differently, things still weren't easy between them. Frank still bristled any time that her place in Natalia or Francesca's life was made obvious. As this was a near constant state that Olivia lived in, it was difficult for Frank to be around her at all. And Olivia refused to hide her feelings or ask Natalia to, just for the sake of Frank's feelings. It was an uneasy detente that they had, with Olivia unwilling to push back too hard for fear of tipping over the fragile balance that they had created. All she had to do was remind herself that it was Francesca who was in the middle, who would suffer the most from any conflict that broke out between them, and it made choking back the comments that she dearly wanted to flay Frank open with almost palatable.
But those were the bad times, most of the time they settled for being terse and snarky. Natalia disapproved but some things not even she could change.
With a sigh - whether of weariness or disapproval, Olivia wasn't sure and didn't really care - Frank kissed Francesca's cheek and rested his forehead against her much smaller one. "Be good for your Dad," he said softly. "That's my little angel."
Olivia resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Obviously Frank hadn't spent too many nights with his little angel. Her capacity for screaming for hours seemed to be tailor-made to give her two mommies the maximum amount of exhaustion with the least amount of sleep.
Still the feeling of peace and absolute rightness that filled her when Francesca settled into her arms, smiled sleepily over at her and laid her head down on her shoulder was more than enough to make up for it a hundred times over. Some days it didn't bear thinking about what would have happened if Natalia had been a little less stubborn. She could have missed out on this in all her fear and she would never have known what she was missing.
"Sorry, Frank," Olivia said, catching herself getting lost in thought, and glanced back up at him. "Do you want to come in?"
It was a perfunctory offer, one not really made in sincerity and one she fully didn't expect him to take her up on, but she still made it because Natalia would have wanted her to. As much as she hated to admit it, this only worked if they talked sometimes, the three of them, about Francesca's life and what they wanted for her.
Frank shook his head and for the first time Olivia noticed that he looked faintly guilty. He wouldn't quite meet her eye and he kept staring past her. Ordinarily she would think he was looking for Natalia but this didn't seem the same.
"Uh, no. I don't think I should." He shifted uncomfortably for a moment.
"Everything okay, Frank?" Olivia asked when the silence had dragged on uncomfortably for too long.
"Actually I think I need to apologize for something."
Her first thought: Oh, shit, Frankie. What now? It wasn't charitable, but then she rarely was, at least in public, or where it was undeserved.
Carefully, she asked, "What for?" Natalia would have dismissed it with a careless, Oh, don't worry about it, not even knowing what it was. Maybe Frank should have chosen more carefully who he confessed his sins to, but it wasn't like she had twisted his arm. He had initiated this.
"I said something to Natalia this morning." He had taken his hat off and was fidgeting with it, folding it between his hands and stuffing it in his back pocket only to take it back out again. It reminded her of Natalia when she was nervous or worrying something over in her mind. The comparison was somehow disturbing and did nothing to ease her mind. She was almost holding her breath as she waited for Frank to spit it out already, tensing as everything inside of her screamed that this would not be good. Frank was too nervous. "I was out of line."
Okay, fine. He was out of line. She didn't care about his contrition or his need to soothe his own conscience with an apology, if that was what this was. He still wasn't getting to the point and the knot of dread in her stomach was beginning to build. Without realizing it, her other hand came up to rest protectively on Francesca's back, cradling her head, protecting her not from Frank, but the world at large.
"What did you say, Frank?" Somehow she managed to keep most of the vicious bite out of her voice when she said it. Frank looked a little bit scared and a little bit belligerent. The combination worried her even more because she knew it meant he was worried that she would be pissed off. Which meant he thought she would have a reason to be pissed off.
"We were talking about the past." He tried a buddy-buddy smile. "The good old days, you know. Honestly, I thought she already knew." He gave his hat a particularly hard twist. "About Ava, and well, what happened when you found out she was your daughter."
Every muscle in Olivia's body tensed. She shifted Francesca a little further behind her on her hip and took a step closer to Frank. "What happened, specifically?"
"Practically the whole town heard about the trial. It wasn't exactly kept quiet, Olivia," Frank said, his words getting higher and faster. "And I was there, remember? You brought me with you. Whatever Ava may have said later, I was there. I know about that scumbag and what he really was."
Anger flashed through her, bright and white hot. "You don't know anything." The words snapped out of her mouth before she could even think to contain them and only Francesca in her arms kept her from lashing out at him. The effort of containing it all, holding it all in, left her almost shaking with rage.
Frank looked angry and as if he were barely holding back a dozen other things he wanted to say in retort, but for once he didn't seem determined to push her past her point of endurance because today he would have succeeded. Instead he simply gave a sharp nod of his head. "Anyway, I'm sorry." He didn't seem very apologetic as he turned and strode back to his car, but it hardly mattered. The damage had already been done.
*** *** ***
The bathroom door stood slightly ajar. Through the crack Natalia could see Olivia standing in front of the mirror, the glass still steamed over from her shower. Condensation clung to the center in larger droplets, left behind by a few careless swipes of the hand as she completed her nightly rituals. At the moment, Olivia was rubbing lotion into her arms. Although she had been heading back downstairs to give it a final once-over before they turned in for the night, Natalia paused in mid-motion and changed direction, heading toward the bathroom and Olivia. Stepping up behind her without a word, she slipped a hand past her and took the lotion off the counter.
Something had been off with Olivia since just before dinner. Natalia had noticed it almost immediately, but when asked, Olivia had only given a slight shake of her head. Her first instinct had been to press the issue, but then things had gotten hectic. Emma had come in asking what was for dinner and their brief quiet moment had broken. In the commotion that followed a moment later when Francesca had stumbled on her own unsteady feet and hit her head on the coffee table, the conversation had been dropped completely, but Natalia hadn't forgotten. She had simply bided her time.
In the mirror, Olivia watched her without a word, allowing Natalia do whatever she wanted. In fact, she didn't seem to be paying attention to what Natalia was doing at all, her eyes never leaving Natalia's. Her gaze had the same effect that it always had, even when they were still enemies; it held Natalia captive, caught her in its intensity and left her dizzy and unable to look away. They stood that way for a long moment until Natalia remembered what had prompted her sudden detour. She flashed Olivia a smile that was in part shy, rueful and full of love.
Uncapping the lotion, she squeezed a generous dollop into each hand. Olivia gasped - whether it was at the cold lotion or the heat of Natalia's hands as they slipped underneath her t-shirt and gently began to rub the lotion into her back, Natalia wasn't sure. Momentarily allowing herself to melt into Natalia's tender touch, Olivia let herself go, sinking back into Natalia's body, her eyes drifting closed as their closeness enveloped her in Natalia's intoxicating and familiar scent. She could admit it; she loved moments like this one when Natalia pampered her. Olivia thrived on it, soaking up the love implicit in every move Natalia made.
Despite it all, she couldn't quite make herself let go completely, not with the knowledge of what Frank had said still lingering between them. It wasn't so much what Frank had said - although she was pissed about him trying to create trouble between them yet again - but more that Natalia had said nothing to her about it. She had no idea what Natalia's silence meant, but five failed marriages had taught her that it meant nothing good.
Still it was nice to simply relax and just be with Natalia given the way the past few days had gone. Today had been better, although stressful in its own way between the party planning, Jeffrey's early morning visit, and Frank's late afternoon confession. Okay, so it hadn't been much better at all, but the day was definitely looking up right now and it wasn't over yet.
"I had plans for us this morning," Olivia whispered, her dark thoughts shifting to more pleasant things as she spoke, her words pitched for Natalia's ears only even though they were alone in the master suite.
"Plans?" Natalia murmured back, sounding slightly distracted as she pressed her thumbs into Olivia's back a little bit more firmly.
Olivia had to stifle a groan. "Mmm-hmm. You got me thinking last night."
Natalia laughed. "Oh, so it was all my fault."
"Absolutely, Sweetheart. You're such a little temptress." She could feel Natalia's disbelieving snort against her cheek.
"You were the one who wasn't there when I woke up," Natalia pointed out. She felt Olivia tense under her hands and she frowned.
"Ava had a nightmare," Olivia said softly. Natalia could feel the hint of tension that had remained in Olivia despite her gentle ministrations begin to grow exponentially. Giving up on her impromptu massage, she let her hands fall to Olivia's side as she stepped closer, pressing into Olivia's back, wrapping her arms around Olivia's waist and resting her chin gently on her shoulder.
"About what happened in the park?" Natalia asked quietly.
"No." For a moment, Natalia thought she wouldn't elaborate and she too began to tense. "It was something that happened years ago." It was the way she said it that worried Natalia; her voice sounded hollow and distant. A small part of her wondered if it had anything to do with what Frank had said about the hit man. Almost as soon as she had considered it, she regretted the thought. She had meant it that afternoon when she had told Ava that she already knew everything she needed to know.
"She seemed nervous and a little bit tired when we talked earlier," Natalia said, thinking back and trying to recall how Ava had seemed in light of this new information. "But she seemed okay. Not like she was upset about something. Well, not about anything from the past."
"You talked today?"
Natalia nodded, still slightly distracted. "We walked out to the pond with Emma."
Olivia drew back a little and turned her head to look over at Natalia.
"How did that go?" Dinner had seemed to go smoothly enough and surely she would have noticed tension between her lover and her oldest daughter if it had existed.
"Good," Natalia said with a little nod. "It gave us a chance to clear the air, say what needed to be said."
"Oh?" Natalia's phrasing was enough to make her hesitate. It had a slightly ominous ring that worried her and roused her protective instincts.
Natalia held her a little bit closer, reading her unease clearly. "Ava apologized for last night and I told her that I'm never going to leave you."
The words wrapped themselves around Olivia's heart and squeezed, constricting almost painfully. As time had passed, reminders of Natalia's unexplained and unplanned absence had lessened, but the strength of emotion she felt when it was brought up again hadn't, even if the emotions themselves had changed. Over time they had morphed from anger and pain, to something closer to acceptance with only a twinge of sadness and regret.
Understanding the shift of emotion in Olivia, Natalia remained silent, laying her head against Olivia's back, letting her know with her actions that whatever she was feeling was okay and that she was still there.
"You said that, huh?" Both ignored the hoarseness in Olivia's voice as she tried to choke back the tide of rapidly rising emotion.
"I did," Natalia said softly, loosening her grip as Olivia turned in her embrace so that they were facing one another with Olivia now leaning back against the vanity. Her hands traced up Olivia's sides, ghosting over curves and leaving goosebumps in her wake as her fingers brushed lightly over silky skin until she was cupping Olivia's face. Slowly and deliberately, Natalia tilted her head up to meet Olivia's lips with her own, kissing her tenderly.
Olivia responded immediately, savoring it but wanting more. She believed what Natalia said, knew it to be true, but in the depths of her heart she still remembered how it had been during Natalia's absence. She craved the comfort and reassurance of her touch.
She had meant it when she had told Natalia well over a year ago that if they never had sex she would still want everything, to be with her in every way that they could share. It had been true when Natalia had come back. Once Olivia had gotten over her initial anger and hurt, she had still wanted a life with her, whatever that would entail. But when that final separation between them had been erased, it had knitted something back together inside of her. Not the physical act, per se, but what it had meant. She knew how Natalia felt about sex; she had learned that all too well when Natalia had told her about sleeping with Frank. To her, it was a sacred act, and not something to be done lightly or in haste. It was a declaration full of meaning, the much-needed confirmation that Natalia truly did love her and want her, and it had brought them closer together than ever before. Now she was seeking that same reassurance to erase the remembered pain in her heart and the more recently introduced doubt. She lost herself in Natalia's kiss, let herself be consumed by her caresses and sought to forget everything else in the glide of skin against skin.
"Olivia," her name from Natalia's lip was like a benediction, and in the haze created by everything Natalia as she flooded her senses Olivia could almost make herself forget the knot of tension and dread that had steadily been growing inside her. She reached for Natalia with desperation, clinging to her and trying to erase the worry that was steadily growing within her. Everything about the moment felt so right, the way Natalia was touching her and looking at her was heaven. Any other day it would have made her feel like the luckiest woman in the world, but it suddenly felt all wrong.
"I can't." The two simple words spilled out of her lips before she had considered saying them. Natalia froze.
"What's wrong?" There was a hint of panic in Natalia's voice and immediately Olivia regretted doing it, regretted stopping what had been about to happen. She knew Natalia loved her, but it felt wrong to make love to Natalia when her heart wasn't completely in it. She had had enough sexual encounters that left her feeling vaguely sick inside. She didn't want to add one with Natalia to that list. I they had kept going, Olivia knew she would have ended up regretting it and then holding that regret deep down inside to keep it from hurting Natalia until it grew into something with a life of its own, something that would stand between them. What she had with Natalia was unlike anything she had ever had before and Olivia didn't want to do anything to ruin it. That thought alone - the thought of Natalia leaving her again - made her gasp as if she had been punched in the gut.
She knew that her thoughts were spiraling rapidly out of control, but she couldn't help it.
"I'm sorry," she said, waving a hand and sucking in a deep breath. "Just forget-"
"I'm not going to forget anything," Natalia said sharply. "Something's clearly wrong. Tell me what it is."
Olivia shook her head, nerves and embarrassment getting the best of her. It wasn't like her, the way she was acting, but she was shaken and scared, more than even Frank's words to Natalia should have prompted. Maybe she was finally just losing it.
"Olivia." Natalia's voice, firm and steady, was like a lifeline she could cling to. "Talk to me." Her hand cupped Olivia's cheek and she ducked her head down in an attempt to catch Olivia's eye. "Please, Olivia. You're scaring me."
Her hands - her whole body - were shaking. She hadn't been this scared in years. "I know what Frank told you this morning."
"Oh." It was a single syllable bursting with meaning; Olivia just wasn't sure what that meaning was. That bothered her too. Despite all of their differences, she was used to being able to read Natalia, to look at her and know what was going on with her. Her body, however, couldn't handle any more fear. She already had too much of it flowing through her. Instead, it turned to irritation.
"What does that mean? Oh." The last word came out more mocking than she had intended, or maybe than was wise, but she couldn't hold it in. The words had just spilled out of her mouth in a way that was more reflexive than intentional. "Why didn't you say anything? Too horrified? Scared of the monster who could send a hitman after her own daughter?"
"Don't be ridiculous," Natalia snapped, her voice full of irritation. "You're putting words in my mouth."
"Is it, Natalia?" Olivia demanded. "Is it really ridiculous? Your ex-fiancé just told you that I hired a hit man to kill my daughter and I shouldn't be worried about what you're thinking, about why you didn't say anything to me about it at all?" She sucked in a deep breath. "Are you going to take Francesca?"
Natalia stared at her, disbelief written across her features. A small noise slipped from between her lips and she shook her head. "Just stop, Olivia. This is insane. I'm not going anywhere."
"The last time there was a problem and you wouldn't tell me what was going on, you left." The words hit their mark like a gauntlet thrown down on the floor between them. "I-"
"No." Natalia looked hurt, her face red and tears beginning to seep down her cheeks. "No more of this, Olivia. I didn't say anything because it wasn't a problem. I know you - inside and out." She pressed a hand to Olivia's chest, her palm covering the scar that bisected it. "I already knew everything that I needed to know; there was no reason to talk to you, to upset you. Don't you think that's what Frank wanted - for us to fight about this? I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction. You're my wife and I trust you. Nothing he could say will ever change the way I feel about you, how much I love you."
Natalia could still feel Olivia trembling under her touch, whether it was from fear or adrenaline, she couldn't tell.
"But the things I've done could. You don't know everything, Natalia." Even at a whisper, her voice was still cold and hard. This fight wasn't over yet and all Natalia could do was hold on and never let go.
"Then tell me, if that's what you need. Because I need you to believe me. If you don't trust me when I tell you that I'm not going anywhere, this won't work."
Olivia's hand clenched around her wrist, long fingers holding on with almost painful strength. Her lips pressed together into a tight line.
"Promise you won't hate me." Olivia sounded young and fragile, completely different than only seconds before. It frightened Natalia that she could break this woman with one wrong word.
Raising her other hand, she cupped Olivia's cheek and brought her chin up until she could meet her eyes. "I promise that I will always love you, no matter what."
The desperate look in Olivia's eyes didn't change. "Frank wasn't lying when he said I sent a hit man after Ava, but I swear I didn't know she was my daughter until after the deal had already been made. The moment I found out I tried to stop it. I was so terrified. I've only been that scared once before in my life, Natalia." She held Natalia's gaze. "That's not all. My mother... I told you yesterday..." She swallowed, looking desperate and overwhelmed and it broke Natalia's heart.
"You don't have to do this. I told you - I know everything that I need to already."
"But I do." Olivia countered quickly. "I need you to know."
"Okay, Sweetheart," Natalia said gently. "Just start at the beginning. I'll be right here."
"There was a fire at the Beacon," Olivia said without any further preamble, raking her hand through her hair. "Emma was just a baby and I thought she was there in the hotel. Ava and I were up in my suite working and when she tried to open the door it caved in on her, pinning her in place. I tried, Natalia. I tried as hard as I could to get her free, but I couldn't. You have to believe that."
"I believe you," Natalia said softly, praying Olivia would believe her.
"But I couldn't," Olivia continued almost as if she hadn't heard her, a hitching sob escaping with her words. She turned to Natalia. "That's what Ava was dreaming about this morning. She was having a nightmare because I left her pinned under that door because I couldn't help her and I thought Emma was still in the hotel. I sent the first person I saw back for her. I did."
"Of course you did." Natalia said, making her voice as soothing as possible even as her heart ached for Olivia.
"She was fine - Ava - but I thought she should hate me after that. Maybe she did. I don't know. She was watching Emma one day and Em got into some perfume."
Natalia gasped. She had never heard about that particular incident and even now, years later, when Emma was clearly alright, it still made her heart race. She could only imagine how scared Olivia had been back then.
"She drank it - the perfume - and ended up in Cedars." Olivia drew in a shaky breath. "She got very sick and she was still so tiny. I was afraid-" She swallowed and started again. "There was a chance-" But she couldn't finish either sentence, couldn't force herself to say the words aloud even years later. She sniffed and swiped at her nose with the back of her hand. "I thought Ava had done it on purpose, that she was using Emma to get back at me for leaving her in the fire. I didn't believe her when she told me it was an accident. I was so scared. That was when I did it because if Ava was coming after me through Emma, I had to stop it, to get her off my back. I wouldn't listen to...." She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. I wouldn't listen, and Ava almost ended up dead because of it." She finally looked back up at Natalia. "That's the truth of it. When I found out that Ava was the daughter I had given away it was too late to call off the hit man. The only reason Ava survived was because she was strong and smart and she got lucky. Not because of anything I did."
"Ava forgave you."
"Not because she wanted to." The things Ava had said to her that day after her trial still stung. "But because she hated who I was so much she didn't want to be anything like me."
"Olivia, we have all done things we regret."
"This isn't just some stupid little mistake, Natalia. I could have killed her. Don't you get that? It would have been all my fault and I couldn't even do anything to save her."
"Of course I get that, Olivia, but I know you." Natalia said firmly. "I know how fiercely you love your daughters; I saw you when Phillip came back. You were so scared and you weren't thinking straight. The only thing you knew was that you had to protect Emma and you would have done anything to make sure she was safe. So, no, it doesn't surprise me or horrify me. I love how you love your children. I won't ask you to pay for that. You already told me how scared you were when you found out that Ava was your daughter. I can imagine the lengths you went to, to stop him from hurting her."
"So that's it?" Olivia asked, incredulousness creeping into her voice when Natalia finished speaking. "That's all you have to say? How can you just let it go?"
"Do you remember when I got married?" Natalia asked slowly, looking down at her hand still covering Olivia's heart. "Not to Frank," she added quickly, "but to Gus?"
Olivia snorted. "How could I forget?"
Natalia's fingers played over the thin line of her scar, running over the raised skin of her scar, knitted back together by a highly skilled plastic surgeon until it was almost invisible. "I locked you in a bathroom and I cost you a heart. If Gus hadn't... or if you had caught a cold, or anything... you would be dead, Olivia, and it would have been my fault."
"Natalia...." With that one word, Olivia softened. She hadn't known that Natalia still thought about that. She had almost forgotten it herself, pushed to the back of her mind with the rest of the things that she would prefer not to remember. If she was honest with herself, she had probably done worse to Natalia. There was so many times that she had tried to hurt the woman or worse yet been uncaring when her wants, her needs, had cut Natalia to the bone, all in the name of finding some fleeting peace when nothing would ever satisfy. At least not until she had truly found Natalia. "You weren't trying to kill me, just stop me from stealing your fiancé." Olivia smiled faintly. "A perfectly understandable reaction."
"Thank you for saying that," Natalia said softly. "But it wouldn't really have mattered if you had-" It took her a moment to pull herself back together, until she could speak without her voice breaking or falling apart completely. "All I'm saying is that there are things that we all regret. The only thing that we can do is thank God that things turned out the way that they did."
"But I didn't die," Olivia said softly. "I lived and..." She swallowed. "And I hope you don't regret that."
Natalia cupped her face tenderly. "Never. I want you right here with me for the rest of our lives."
"I'm so lucky that you love me."
"We both are," Natalia said reverently. "So lucky. Blessed." Her lips found Olivia's, the perfect punctuation for her words. The kiss lingered and what had begun as a chaste kiss grew and changed. With a clean conscience and a soothed heart, Olivia responded without reservations and let herself go into everything Natalia offered.
She slid down the vanity, knobs and edges biting into her back. She hardly noticed, her hands on Natalia's hips as she drew the other woman down with her, pulling her down onto her lap. Natalia's hands cupped her face and fingers dug into her hair, keeping them locked together, only letting go as Olivia slipped her hands under Natalia's shirt. Her fingers skimmed bare skin as she brought the shirt with it and then up over her head.
"So beautiful," Olivia whispered, taking a moment to simply stare at what she had revealed.
It didn't last long, however, as Natalia pulled her closer, bending her head down as she arched upward, offering herself to Olivia and Olivia didn't hesitate to give her what she wanted. It was more than just the physical connection between them, but an affirmation of everything that shared.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Ava Peralta, Emma Spencer, Jeffrey O'neil
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: R...I'm gonna say because there are some disturbing themes explored in here and some violence, although I don't think either is described in graphic detail.
Word count: 5,153
Summary: Life goes on. Sometimes it throws you a curveball and you never know what's coming your way on any given day.
Spoilers: Takes place around Thanksgiving '10, and includes the events of the finale.
Author's Note: This fic is solely for
kelltwomyn. I was bemoaning the fact that I wasn't going to be able to afford a Venice subscription and she swooped in and got when for me when I said I'd be willing to offer fic in exchange. I hope this fic is both somewhat what you were hoping for and also worth your ten bucks and the wait. I really have enjoyed Venice so far. Thank you. :) Beta: Many thanks to
q_wordy13 & aimlessla for beta'ing this for me! Your insights, comments, suggestions and encouragement have all been very much appreciated! :D Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Warning: This story eventually deals with Olivia's rape. I don't think it's discussed graphically, but I don't want anyone to stumble upon it unaware either.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven
Part Eight
Olivia had the front door open before Frank had even stepped onto the porch. She had missed her baby girl all day and she hadn't been able to stop herself from glancing out the window every five minutes keeping an eye out for Frank's car even as she put the finishing touches on the decorations in the living room. When she finally did see him, Olivia had almost dropped the floral arrangement that she had been holding in her haste to get to the door.
"Hey, Frankie!" If he looked startled to see her come out so quickly, she barely noticed, her attention focused firmly on Francesca, looking slightly rumpled and still groggy in her father's arms, her head laying against his shoulder as she stared out at nothing.
When she caught sight of Olivia, her eyes brightened and she held out short, chubby arms toward Olivia. "Mama!"
The exclamation never failed to melt Olivia's heart though she tried to keep it from being too obvious. She had a reputation to maintain, after all. Couldn't have everyone thinking she was a softy. It didn't stop her from holding her arms out for Francesca, however, her eyes only flicking to Frank for an instant - seeking not permission or approval but acknowledgment. As much as she might have hoped differently, things still weren't easy between them. Frank still bristled any time that her place in Natalia or Francesca's life was made obvious. As this was a near constant state that Olivia lived in, it was difficult for Frank to be around her at all. And Olivia refused to hide her feelings or ask Natalia to, just for the sake of Frank's feelings. It was an uneasy detente that they had, with Olivia unwilling to push back too hard for fear of tipping over the fragile balance that they had created. All she had to do was remind herself that it was Francesca who was in the middle, who would suffer the most from any conflict that broke out between them, and it made choking back the comments that she dearly wanted to flay Frank open with almost palatable.
But those were the bad times, most of the time they settled for being terse and snarky. Natalia disapproved but some things not even she could change.
With a sigh - whether of weariness or disapproval, Olivia wasn't sure and didn't really care - Frank kissed Francesca's cheek and rested his forehead against her much smaller one. "Be good for your Dad," he said softly. "That's my little angel."
Olivia resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Obviously Frank hadn't spent too many nights with his little angel. Her capacity for screaming for hours seemed to be tailor-made to give her two mommies the maximum amount of exhaustion with the least amount of sleep.
Still the feeling of peace and absolute rightness that filled her when Francesca settled into her arms, smiled sleepily over at her and laid her head down on her shoulder was more than enough to make up for it a hundred times over. Some days it didn't bear thinking about what would have happened if Natalia had been a little less stubborn. She could have missed out on this in all her fear and she would never have known what she was missing.
"Sorry, Frank," Olivia said, catching herself getting lost in thought, and glanced back up at him. "Do you want to come in?"
It was a perfunctory offer, one not really made in sincerity and one she fully didn't expect him to take her up on, but she still made it because Natalia would have wanted her to. As much as she hated to admit it, this only worked if they talked sometimes, the three of them, about Francesca's life and what they wanted for her.
Frank shook his head and for the first time Olivia noticed that he looked faintly guilty. He wouldn't quite meet her eye and he kept staring past her. Ordinarily she would think he was looking for Natalia but this didn't seem the same.
"Uh, no. I don't think I should." He shifted uncomfortably for a moment.
"Everything okay, Frank?" Olivia asked when the silence had dragged on uncomfortably for too long.
"Actually I think I need to apologize for something."
Her first thought: Oh, shit, Frankie. What now? It wasn't charitable, but then she rarely was, at least in public, or where it was undeserved.
Carefully, she asked, "What for?" Natalia would have dismissed it with a careless, Oh, don't worry about it, not even knowing what it was. Maybe Frank should have chosen more carefully who he confessed his sins to, but it wasn't like she had twisted his arm. He had initiated this.
"I said something to Natalia this morning." He had taken his hat off and was fidgeting with it, folding it between his hands and stuffing it in his back pocket only to take it back out again. It reminded her of Natalia when she was nervous or worrying something over in her mind. The comparison was somehow disturbing and did nothing to ease her mind. She was almost holding her breath as she waited for Frank to spit it out already, tensing as everything inside of her screamed that this would not be good. Frank was too nervous. "I was out of line."
Okay, fine. He was out of line. She didn't care about his contrition or his need to soothe his own conscience with an apology, if that was what this was. He still wasn't getting to the point and the knot of dread in her stomach was beginning to build. Without realizing it, her other hand came up to rest protectively on Francesca's back, cradling her head, protecting her not from Frank, but the world at large.
"What did you say, Frank?" Somehow she managed to keep most of the vicious bite out of her voice when she said it. Frank looked a little bit scared and a little bit belligerent. The combination worried her even more because she knew it meant he was worried that she would be pissed off. Which meant he thought she would have a reason to be pissed off.
"We were talking about the past." He tried a buddy-buddy smile. "The good old days, you know. Honestly, I thought she already knew." He gave his hat a particularly hard twist. "About Ava, and well, what happened when you found out she was your daughter."
Every muscle in Olivia's body tensed. She shifted Francesca a little further behind her on her hip and took a step closer to Frank. "What happened, specifically?"
"Practically the whole town heard about the trial. It wasn't exactly kept quiet, Olivia," Frank said, his words getting higher and faster. "And I was there, remember? You brought me with you. Whatever Ava may have said later, I was there. I know about that scumbag and what he really was."
Anger flashed through her, bright and white hot. "You don't know anything." The words snapped out of her mouth before she could even think to contain them and only Francesca in her arms kept her from lashing out at him. The effort of containing it all, holding it all in, left her almost shaking with rage.
Frank looked angry and as if he were barely holding back a dozen other things he wanted to say in retort, but for once he didn't seem determined to push her past her point of endurance because today he would have succeeded. Instead he simply gave a sharp nod of his head. "Anyway, I'm sorry." He didn't seem very apologetic as he turned and strode back to his car, but it hardly mattered. The damage had already been done.
*** *** ***
The bathroom door stood slightly ajar. Through the crack Natalia could see Olivia standing in front of the mirror, the glass still steamed over from her shower. Condensation clung to the center in larger droplets, left behind by a few careless swipes of the hand as she completed her nightly rituals. At the moment, Olivia was rubbing lotion into her arms. Although she had been heading back downstairs to give it a final once-over before they turned in for the night, Natalia paused in mid-motion and changed direction, heading toward the bathroom and Olivia. Stepping up behind her without a word, she slipped a hand past her and took the lotion off the counter.
Something had been off with Olivia since just before dinner. Natalia had noticed it almost immediately, but when asked, Olivia had only given a slight shake of her head. Her first instinct had been to press the issue, but then things had gotten hectic. Emma had come in asking what was for dinner and their brief quiet moment had broken. In the commotion that followed a moment later when Francesca had stumbled on her own unsteady feet and hit her head on the coffee table, the conversation had been dropped completely, but Natalia hadn't forgotten. She had simply bided her time.
In the mirror, Olivia watched her without a word, allowing Natalia do whatever she wanted. In fact, she didn't seem to be paying attention to what Natalia was doing at all, her eyes never leaving Natalia's. Her gaze had the same effect that it always had, even when they were still enemies; it held Natalia captive, caught her in its intensity and left her dizzy and unable to look away. They stood that way for a long moment until Natalia remembered what had prompted her sudden detour. She flashed Olivia a smile that was in part shy, rueful and full of love.
Uncapping the lotion, she squeezed a generous dollop into each hand. Olivia gasped - whether it was at the cold lotion or the heat of Natalia's hands as they slipped underneath her t-shirt and gently began to rub the lotion into her back, Natalia wasn't sure. Momentarily allowing herself to melt into Natalia's tender touch, Olivia let herself go, sinking back into Natalia's body, her eyes drifting closed as their closeness enveloped her in Natalia's intoxicating and familiar scent. She could admit it; she loved moments like this one when Natalia pampered her. Olivia thrived on it, soaking up the love implicit in every move Natalia made.
Despite it all, she couldn't quite make herself let go completely, not with the knowledge of what Frank had said still lingering between them. It wasn't so much what Frank had said - although she was pissed about him trying to create trouble between them yet again - but more that Natalia had said nothing to her about it. She had no idea what Natalia's silence meant, but five failed marriages had taught her that it meant nothing good.
Still it was nice to simply relax and just be with Natalia given the way the past few days had gone. Today had been better, although stressful in its own way between the party planning, Jeffrey's early morning visit, and Frank's late afternoon confession. Okay, so it hadn't been much better at all, but the day was definitely looking up right now and it wasn't over yet.
"I had plans for us this morning," Olivia whispered, her dark thoughts shifting to more pleasant things as she spoke, her words pitched for Natalia's ears only even though they were alone in the master suite.
"Plans?" Natalia murmured back, sounding slightly distracted as she pressed her thumbs into Olivia's back a little bit more firmly.
Olivia had to stifle a groan. "Mmm-hmm. You got me thinking last night."
Natalia laughed. "Oh, so it was all my fault."
"Absolutely, Sweetheart. You're such a little temptress." She could feel Natalia's disbelieving snort against her cheek.
"You were the one who wasn't there when I woke up," Natalia pointed out. She felt Olivia tense under her hands and she frowned.
"Ava had a nightmare," Olivia said softly. Natalia could feel the hint of tension that had remained in Olivia despite her gentle ministrations begin to grow exponentially. Giving up on her impromptu massage, she let her hands fall to Olivia's side as she stepped closer, pressing into Olivia's back, wrapping her arms around Olivia's waist and resting her chin gently on her shoulder.
"About what happened in the park?" Natalia asked quietly.
"No." For a moment, Natalia thought she wouldn't elaborate and she too began to tense. "It was something that happened years ago." It was the way she said it that worried Natalia; her voice sounded hollow and distant. A small part of her wondered if it had anything to do with what Frank had said about the hit man. Almost as soon as she had considered it, she regretted the thought. She had meant it that afternoon when she had told Ava that she already knew everything she needed to know.
"She seemed nervous and a little bit tired when we talked earlier," Natalia said, thinking back and trying to recall how Ava had seemed in light of this new information. "But she seemed okay. Not like she was upset about something. Well, not about anything from the past."
"You talked today?"
Natalia nodded, still slightly distracted. "We walked out to the pond with Emma."
Olivia drew back a little and turned her head to look over at Natalia.
"How did that go?" Dinner had seemed to go smoothly enough and surely she would have noticed tension between her lover and her oldest daughter if it had existed.
"Good," Natalia said with a little nod. "It gave us a chance to clear the air, say what needed to be said."
"Oh?" Natalia's phrasing was enough to make her hesitate. It had a slightly ominous ring that worried her and roused her protective instincts.
Natalia held her a little bit closer, reading her unease clearly. "Ava apologized for last night and I told her that I'm never going to leave you."
The words wrapped themselves around Olivia's heart and squeezed, constricting almost painfully. As time had passed, reminders of Natalia's unexplained and unplanned absence had lessened, but the strength of emotion she felt when it was brought up again hadn't, even if the emotions themselves had changed. Over time they had morphed from anger and pain, to something closer to acceptance with only a twinge of sadness and regret.
Understanding the shift of emotion in Olivia, Natalia remained silent, laying her head against Olivia's back, letting her know with her actions that whatever she was feeling was okay and that she was still there.
"You said that, huh?" Both ignored the hoarseness in Olivia's voice as she tried to choke back the tide of rapidly rising emotion.
"I did," Natalia said softly, loosening her grip as Olivia turned in her embrace so that they were facing one another with Olivia now leaning back against the vanity. Her hands traced up Olivia's sides, ghosting over curves and leaving goosebumps in her wake as her fingers brushed lightly over silky skin until she was cupping Olivia's face. Slowly and deliberately, Natalia tilted her head up to meet Olivia's lips with her own, kissing her tenderly.
Olivia responded immediately, savoring it but wanting more. She believed what Natalia said, knew it to be true, but in the depths of her heart she still remembered how it had been during Natalia's absence. She craved the comfort and reassurance of her touch.
She had meant it when she had told Natalia well over a year ago that if they never had sex she would still want everything, to be with her in every way that they could share. It had been true when Natalia had come back. Once Olivia had gotten over her initial anger and hurt, she had still wanted a life with her, whatever that would entail. But when that final separation between them had been erased, it had knitted something back together inside of her. Not the physical act, per se, but what it had meant. She knew how Natalia felt about sex; she had learned that all too well when Natalia had told her about sleeping with Frank. To her, it was a sacred act, and not something to be done lightly or in haste. It was a declaration full of meaning, the much-needed confirmation that Natalia truly did love her and want her, and it had brought them closer together than ever before. Now she was seeking that same reassurance to erase the remembered pain in her heart and the more recently introduced doubt. She lost herself in Natalia's kiss, let herself be consumed by her caresses and sought to forget everything else in the glide of skin against skin.
"Olivia," her name from Natalia's lip was like a benediction, and in the haze created by everything Natalia as she flooded her senses Olivia could almost make herself forget the knot of tension and dread that had steadily been growing inside her. She reached for Natalia with desperation, clinging to her and trying to erase the worry that was steadily growing within her. Everything about the moment felt so right, the way Natalia was touching her and looking at her was heaven. Any other day it would have made her feel like the luckiest woman in the world, but it suddenly felt all wrong.
"I can't." The two simple words spilled out of her lips before she had considered saying them. Natalia froze.
"What's wrong?" There was a hint of panic in Natalia's voice and immediately Olivia regretted doing it, regretted stopping what had been about to happen. She knew Natalia loved her, but it felt wrong to make love to Natalia when her heart wasn't completely in it. She had had enough sexual encounters that left her feeling vaguely sick inside. She didn't want to add one with Natalia to that list. I they had kept going, Olivia knew she would have ended up regretting it and then holding that regret deep down inside to keep it from hurting Natalia until it grew into something with a life of its own, something that would stand between them. What she had with Natalia was unlike anything she had ever had before and Olivia didn't want to do anything to ruin it. That thought alone - the thought of Natalia leaving her again - made her gasp as if she had been punched in the gut.
She knew that her thoughts were spiraling rapidly out of control, but she couldn't help it.
"I'm sorry," she said, waving a hand and sucking in a deep breath. "Just forget-"
"I'm not going to forget anything," Natalia said sharply. "Something's clearly wrong. Tell me what it is."
Olivia shook her head, nerves and embarrassment getting the best of her. It wasn't like her, the way she was acting, but she was shaken and scared, more than even Frank's words to Natalia should have prompted. Maybe she was finally just losing it.
"Olivia." Natalia's voice, firm and steady, was like a lifeline she could cling to. "Talk to me." Her hand cupped Olivia's cheek and she ducked her head down in an attempt to catch Olivia's eye. "Please, Olivia. You're scaring me."
Her hands - her whole body - were shaking. She hadn't been this scared in years. "I know what Frank told you this morning."
"Oh." It was a single syllable bursting with meaning; Olivia just wasn't sure what that meaning was. That bothered her too. Despite all of their differences, she was used to being able to read Natalia, to look at her and know what was going on with her. Her body, however, couldn't handle any more fear. She already had too much of it flowing through her. Instead, it turned to irritation.
"What does that mean? Oh." The last word came out more mocking than she had intended, or maybe than was wise, but she couldn't hold it in. The words had just spilled out of her mouth in a way that was more reflexive than intentional. "Why didn't you say anything? Too horrified? Scared of the monster who could send a hitman after her own daughter?"
"Don't be ridiculous," Natalia snapped, her voice full of irritation. "You're putting words in my mouth."
"Is it, Natalia?" Olivia demanded. "Is it really ridiculous? Your ex-fiancé just told you that I hired a hit man to kill my daughter and I shouldn't be worried about what you're thinking, about why you didn't say anything to me about it at all?" She sucked in a deep breath. "Are you going to take Francesca?"
Natalia stared at her, disbelief written across her features. A small noise slipped from between her lips and she shook her head. "Just stop, Olivia. This is insane. I'm not going anywhere."
"The last time there was a problem and you wouldn't tell me what was going on, you left." The words hit their mark like a gauntlet thrown down on the floor between them. "I-"
"No." Natalia looked hurt, her face red and tears beginning to seep down her cheeks. "No more of this, Olivia. I didn't say anything because it wasn't a problem. I know you - inside and out." She pressed a hand to Olivia's chest, her palm covering the scar that bisected it. "I already knew everything that I needed to know; there was no reason to talk to you, to upset you. Don't you think that's what Frank wanted - for us to fight about this? I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction. You're my wife and I trust you. Nothing he could say will ever change the way I feel about you, how much I love you."
Natalia could still feel Olivia trembling under her touch, whether it was from fear or adrenaline, she couldn't tell.
"But the things I've done could. You don't know everything, Natalia." Even at a whisper, her voice was still cold and hard. This fight wasn't over yet and all Natalia could do was hold on and never let go.
"Then tell me, if that's what you need. Because I need you to believe me. If you don't trust me when I tell you that I'm not going anywhere, this won't work."
Olivia's hand clenched around her wrist, long fingers holding on with almost painful strength. Her lips pressed together into a tight line.
"Promise you won't hate me." Olivia sounded young and fragile, completely different than only seconds before. It frightened Natalia that she could break this woman with one wrong word.
Raising her other hand, she cupped Olivia's cheek and brought her chin up until she could meet her eyes. "I promise that I will always love you, no matter what."
The desperate look in Olivia's eyes didn't change. "Frank wasn't lying when he said I sent a hit man after Ava, but I swear I didn't know she was my daughter until after the deal had already been made. The moment I found out I tried to stop it. I was so terrified. I've only been that scared once before in my life, Natalia." She held Natalia's gaze. "That's not all. My mother... I told you yesterday..." She swallowed, looking desperate and overwhelmed and it broke Natalia's heart.
"You don't have to do this. I told you - I know everything that I need to already."
"But I do." Olivia countered quickly. "I need you to know."
"Okay, Sweetheart," Natalia said gently. "Just start at the beginning. I'll be right here."
"There was a fire at the Beacon," Olivia said without any further preamble, raking her hand through her hair. "Emma was just a baby and I thought she was there in the hotel. Ava and I were up in my suite working and when she tried to open the door it caved in on her, pinning her in place. I tried, Natalia. I tried as hard as I could to get her free, but I couldn't. You have to believe that."
"I believe you," Natalia said softly, praying Olivia would believe her.
"But I couldn't," Olivia continued almost as if she hadn't heard her, a hitching sob escaping with her words. She turned to Natalia. "That's what Ava was dreaming about this morning. She was having a nightmare because I left her pinned under that door because I couldn't help her and I thought Emma was still in the hotel. I sent the first person I saw back for her. I did."
"Of course you did." Natalia said, making her voice as soothing as possible even as her heart ached for Olivia.
"She was fine - Ava - but I thought she should hate me after that. Maybe she did. I don't know. She was watching Emma one day and Em got into some perfume."
Natalia gasped. She had never heard about that particular incident and even now, years later, when Emma was clearly alright, it still made her heart race. She could only imagine how scared Olivia had been back then.
"She drank it - the perfume - and ended up in Cedars." Olivia drew in a shaky breath. "She got very sick and she was still so tiny. I was afraid-" She swallowed and started again. "There was a chance-" But she couldn't finish either sentence, couldn't force herself to say the words aloud even years later. She sniffed and swiped at her nose with the back of her hand. "I thought Ava had done it on purpose, that she was using Emma to get back at me for leaving her in the fire. I didn't believe her when she told me it was an accident. I was so scared. That was when I did it because if Ava was coming after me through Emma, I had to stop it, to get her off my back. I wouldn't listen to...." She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. I wouldn't listen, and Ava almost ended up dead because of it." She finally looked back up at Natalia. "That's the truth of it. When I found out that Ava was the daughter I had given away it was too late to call off the hit man. The only reason Ava survived was because she was strong and smart and she got lucky. Not because of anything I did."
"Ava forgave you."
"Not because she wanted to." The things Ava had said to her that day after her trial still stung. "But because she hated who I was so much she didn't want to be anything like me."
"Olivia, we have all done things we regret."
"This isn't just some stupid little mistake, Natalia. I could have killed her. Don't you get that? It would have been all my fault and I couldn't even do anything to save her."
"Of course I get that, Olivia, but I know you." Natalia said firmly. "I know how fiercely you love your daughters; I saw you when Phillip came back. You were so scared and you weren't thinking straight. The only thing you knew was that you had to protect Emma and you would have done anything to make sure she was safe. So, no, it doesn't surprise me or horrify me. I love how you love your children. I won't ask you to pay for that. You already told me how scared you were when you found out that Ava was your daughter. I can imagine the lengths you went to, to stop him from hurting her."
"So that's it?" Olivia asked, incredulousness creeping into her voice when Natalia finished speaking. "That's all you have to say? How can you just let it go?"
"Do you remember when I got married?" Natalia asked slowly, looking down at her hand still covering Olivia's heart. "Not to Frank," she added quickly, "but to Gus?"
Olivia snorted. "How could I forget?"
Natalia's fingers played over the thin line of her scar, running over the raised skin of her scar, knitted back together by a highly skilled plastic surgeon until it was almost invisible. "I locked you in a bathroom and I cost you a heart. If Gus hadn't... or if you had caught a cold, or anything... you would be dead, Olivia, and it would have been my fault."
"Natalia...." With that one word, Olivia softened. She hadn't known that Natalia still thought about that. She had almost forgotten it herself, pushed to the back of her mind with the rest of the things that she would prefer not to remember. If she was honest with herself, she had probably done worse to Natalia. There was so many times that she had tried to hurt the woman or worse yet been uncaring when her wants, her needs, had cut Natalia to the bone, all in the name of finding some fleeting peace when nothing would ever satisfy. At least not until she had truly found Natalia. "You weren't trying to kill me, just stop me from stealing your fiancé." Olivia smiled faintly. "A perfectly understandable reaction."
"Thank you for saying that," Natalia said softly. "But it wouldn't really have mattered if you had-" It took her a moment to pull herself back together, until she could speak without her voice breaking or falling apart completely. "All I'm saying is that there are things that we all regret. The only thing that we can do is thank God that things turned out the way that they did."
"But I didn't die," Olivia said softly. "I lived and..." She swallowed. "And I hope you don't regret that."
Natalia cupped her face tenderly. "Never. I want you right here with me for the rest of our lives."
"I'm so lucky that you love me."
"We both are," Natalia said reverently. "So lucky. Blessed." Her lips found Olivia's, the perfect punctuation for her words. The kiss lingered and what had begun as a chaste kiss grew and changed. With a clean conscience and a soothed heart, Olivia responded without reservations and let herself go into everything Natalia offered.
She slid down the vanity, knobs and edges biting into her back. She hardly noticed, her hands on Natalia's hips as she drew the other woman down with her, pulling her down onto her lap. Natalia's hands cupped her face and fingers dug into her hair, keeping them locked together, only letting go as Olivia slipped her hands under Natalia's shirt. Her fingers skimmed bare skin as she brought the shirt with it and then up over her head.
"So beautiful," Olivia whispered, taking a moment to simply stare at what she had revealed.
It didn't last long, however, as Natalia pulled her closer, bending her head down as she arched upward, offering herself to Olivia and Olivia didn't hesitate to give her what she wanted. It was more than just the physical connection between them, but an affirmation of everything that shared.
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Waiting for more! :)
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"The last time there was a problem and you wouldn't tell me what was going on, you left." The words hit their mark like a gauntlet thrown down on the floor between them.
Ouch. But Olivia was bound to use that at least once at some point. I’m glad Natalia took it in stride, and didn’t take Olivia’s crap.
Would have just proven her point I guess. But real Natalia’s stronger than that :)
I really would have loved to have seen the girls talk about this stuff on GL. Sigh. I miss them :(
As usual, just lovely :) I’ll be so sad when its over.
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I do too. Thank goodness for dozens of youtube clips!
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There's this song "Train Wreck" by Sarah Mclachlan that has these lyrics: "Mercy of your lips, just one kiss
Until I can breathe again" and that song always goes around in my head for certain characters and I think that's a lot of what was going through my brain when I wrote this.
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