Title: The End of Her World
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: PG...for now.
Word count: 4,536
Summary: What if Natalia had talked to Olivia before she left the farmhouse?
Spoilers: For the 7/01/09 episode.
Author's Note: I took the s/l of doom and not only embraced it, but made out with it. Then we had little fic babies. Which is probably not the best metaphor given everything, but there you have it. Please to be not killing me for this fic. Also many thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lbecka and ![[profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
q_wordy13 both for the beta. I very much appreciate both of their words and insight. They are the bests kinds of betas that offered detailed criticism on both the writing and how it is written.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer & Fetus Rivera) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three
Natalia is an intrinsically practical woman. Living with Olivia has smoothed away some of her sharp edges and shown her that it’s okay to splurge sometimes, but it’s still not something that comes naturally to Natalia. She is much more likely to do something to spoil Emma, or even Olivia, than to pamper herself. That practicality makes itself apparent in ways both large and small. At the moment it's most visible in the darkness that lingers inside the farmhouse.
With no one to share this house, there's no reason for every room to be lit. Lights are turned off as Natalia leaves one room and enters the next. It's an old habit of frugality and at one point in her life, a constant refrain to Rafe. Now it is only one of a hundred things that make her miss him more.
It also serve to make her house seem even emptier, without the soft glow of light suffusing it with comfort and warmth from within, providing a safe harbor from which Emma's easy, childish laughter could ring out. Tonight, Natalia doesn't need anything to emphasize that she's alone, subtly or not. She feels it sharply, but she still can't bring herself to fill the house with light. It would feel worse to have it ring with false promise.
She's been sitting on the couch since she came inside. At first, it was intended to be just for a moment, but she can't make herself move. Exhaustion has sunk into every inch of her body. It weighs her down and holds her in place as she relives her son's words over and over. And, as they always seem to do recently, thoughts of Rafe bring with them thoughts of Frank. The man that she once thought she would spend the rest of her life with is now a man that she will be forever connected to, and not in a way she would have chosen. Just thinking of him makes her more exhausted, because she knows this isn't over. Frank hasn't accepted anything about her relationship with Olivia. It will continue to be a fight to make him understand and stop making their lives more difficult.
It's a daunting thought, but one that she can't dismiss. There are choices that she could make to simplify her life, but the truth is, for her, there is no choice. If she was one to chose the simple path over the right one, she would have done it years ago. In so many ways, the decision to have Rafe has dictated the course of her life. There are turning points in everyone's life. Finding out that she was pregnant with Rafe was the first turning point in her life, her first serious decision. She chose the more difficult path then. She won't start taking the easier way now, but tonight she needs something. Just a reminder of why taking the harder road is worth it in the end. She needs a moment's peace and something to remind her of why she's fighting, why Frank and Rafe are both so very wrong about this.
Natalia pulls out her cellphone and hits the speed dial before she can talk herself out of it.
"Olivia?"
She hears a quick, sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line.
“I’m here.”
The darkness of the farmhouse is suddenly suffocating. The richness of Olivia’s voice makes what’s lacking here so much more apparent.
Natalia bites her lip but some small sound must make its way out of her mouth, because Olivia speaks immediately.
"Are you okay?" There's a slight pause. "How did it go with Frank?"
"I'm okay," Natalia says, but the sniffle mid-sentence belies her words. She folds her arm across her midsection and her hand clenches tightly around her other arm. "I need something."
She's afraid to ask. She doesn't want to ask. How can she ask for anything else after Olivia has been there for her so completely? Natalia has already asked her to accept the fact that she's having someone else's child. Is asking one thing more finally asking too much?
"Anything," Olivia replies without hesitation. "You know that."
Natalia blinks, startled by the response even if she shouldn't be. That has always been Olivia's response whenever she has asked for something, or even when she hasn't asked. Olivia had even gone inside the church with her the day Rafe had gone back to the halfway house after her aborted wedding. Natalia is not unaware of how big of a statement that had been for Olivia.
"Will you and Emma come spend the night? I don't want to be alone," she hurries on. Natalia rubs her wrist across her nose, wiping away tears. "It's so quiet." In fact, the only things that aren’t quiet are the accusations and unfriendly voices running through her head, along with her own troubled thoughts. She knows that she needs to be able to stand on her own. Olivia has taught her that, but just for tonight she wants to drown her worries with Emma's laughter and Olivia's sarcastic commentary; the look in Olivia's eyes that makes her shiver and forget everything else in the world.
There's silence from the other end of the connection and Natalia grits her teeth. She's just about to verbally backtrack, wishing that she had never asked, but, she knows best of all that once something has been said, it cannot be unsaid.
"We'll be there," Olivia says, her words coming out in a rush. Natalia hears the sound of a deep breath over the phone. "Natalia...what about Rafe?"
Natalia shakes her head. "He won't come out here tonight."
Olivia is silent for a moment, processing her statement, Natalia assumes. "Okay," she says finally. "We're on our way." Natalia is about to say good bye when Olivia speaks again. "I love you." She closes her eyes when she hears Olivia, and allows herself to let those three simple words soak into her like a healing balm for the soul. It's just what she needs to hear.
"I love you too."
--- ---- --- ---
Olivia knocks and waits for Natalia to come to the door before she enters. It's a small detail that Natalia cherishes. She hasn't realized how irritated she was with Frank for the many times that he had simply walked in without knocking. This is her home, not his. And, she admits in her heart, it's also Olivia's home, and Emma's. She wants them to come and go as they please, without any hesitation, but she still loves that Olivia cares enough to respect her space.
"Natalia!" Emma squeals joyfully when she sees her, giving the woman a quick, tight hug before she darts past them into the house. She runs loudly up the stairs and Natalia smiles as she thinks of Emma back in her old room.
When she looks back at Olivia, Olivia is leaning against the doorway, a concerned smile on her face as she watches Natalia. She notices Natalia's attention refocusing on her and opens her arms without a word. Natalia steps into them gratefully. She buries her face in the crook of Olivia's neck and holds her tightly as Olivia strokes her hair and murmurs soft comforting words into her ear.
When they finally separate, Olivia takes her hand and leads her over to the couch. They sit down close to one another, knees touching. Olivia reaches out and gently tilts Natalia's chin up until she can see her expression clearly. Suddenly, Natalia feels self-conscious. She's been crying for most of the day and she knows how red and blotchy her face gets when she cries. Her eyes are probably bloodshot and her hair feels disheveled, which is not her best look. She tries to look away, but Olivia holds her gently, but firmly in place, not letting her turn away.
"How are you?" Olivia asks after it looks like she's satisfied with her perusal of Natalia.
Natalia shrugs, and sinks against the back of the couch. It brings her closer to Olivia and she tilts her head over to lean on Olivia's shoulder. She needs to find words again. Olivia has already done so much for her today, and she deserves to know what Natalia is thinking.
"I told them," she says softly. "Frank and Rafe."
Olivia lets out a deep breath. "How did they take it?"
Natalia shrugs. She doesn't particularly want to rehash the conversations that they had. "It's going to take time," she says finally. "Frank still thinks..." She shakes her head. "Well, it doesn't really matter what Frank thinks." She squeezes Olivia's hand.
"Are you sure? He is this baby's father."
Natalia straightens, feeling stung by the reminder. She had known that sleeping with Frank was a mistake as soon as it had happened. Guilt had consumed her immediately afterward. There had been nothing solid between she and Olivia for her to betray, but her actions had felt like a betrayal nonetheless. She had known what she was feeling for Olivia, even if she could barely admit it to herself. That made it inexcusable. Now this reminder of her child's parentage feels like an accusation and she isn't expecting it from Olivia. "Of course, I'm sure. I told you, I'm not getting back together with Frank." Her statement comes out harsher than she intends, and defensive.
Olivia's flinch isn't lost on her. "Olivia..." Natalia struggles for a moment to put her thoughts into words. "If I married Frank because of this baby, it would be for all of the wrong reasons, especially, since I'm in love with you. I would be miserable and so would he, even if he wouldn't admit it. And it certainly wouldn't be a good environment to raise a child." The more she speaks, the more certain she feels. It's slowly washing away the wrongness she felt when she was speaking with Frank earlier, when it became clear that Frank still wants them to be a couple. She can't just go along for a second time; living a lie hurt them all too much.
Olivia nods, and the look in her eyes seems almost completely free of the sadness and insecurity that Natalia so hates to see there. Olivia changes the subject with a smile.
"Have you eaten?"
Natalia shakes her head. She hadn't felt like eating when she'd returned from Frank's and then it hadn't seemed worth the effort to fix herself a meal.
"Okay, then. I'm going to fix us dinner," Olivia says in a tone that leaves no room for argument. "Em and I were just about to order something when you called."
Natalia smiles at the mental image of Olivia and Emma piled up on Olivia's big bed, pouring over the Beacon's room service menu the way they do every time, even though she's pretty certain they both have it memorized by now. "Thank you." Even if she isn't particularly hungry, she appreciates Olivia taking care of her. "The takeout menus are still in the drawer by the refrigerator."
Olivia laughs. "Oh, no. I'm not ordering you takeout. I'm cooking you dinner."
Natalia blinks in surprise and her eyes narrow. "Since when do you cook?"
Olivia grins, giving her that smile that is knowing and slightly flirtatious. Natalia has just laid a challenge at her feet whether she knows it or not, and Olivia is always up for a challenge.
"Just because I don’t cook, doesn’t mean I can’t – when I want to." She shrugs, still giving Natalia that same look. "Do you mind checking on Emma? I'll have dinner going by the time you get back down."
"You don't even know what's in the kitchen," Natalia protests weakly, mainly because she doesn't know what's in her kitchen, and she's a little bit embarrassed by that. She has been distracted for the past few days and home cooked meals have slid to the wayside.
"I'm sure I'll find something," Olivia counters confidently as she stands and offers a hand to Natalia to help her up. Her hand lingers on Natalia's after they've stood and for a moment neither woman makes a move to leave. Natalia catches herself staring at their joined hands, marveling at how soft Olivia's skin is and how much she doesn't want to let go.
When she realizes that she's staring, Natalia flushes and looks up. Olivia is watching her with penetrating green eyes that always make Natalia's breath catch in her throat. The smile on Olivia's face is knowing, now, and makes Natalia blush even more. She starts to pull her hand away, but Olivia only holds tighter. Slowly she brings their joined hands up until she can place a feather light kiss on the back of Natalia's hand.
The fire in Olivia's eyes is almost palpable, as she clears her throat and steps back, gesturing behind her. "I'm, uh, going to go work on dinner."
Natalia can't help but be charmed and almost forgets how embarrassed she was to be caught looking. Olivia backs toward the kitchen, allowing their hands to drift apart gently. Natalia stares after her for a moment before she shakes herself out of her momentary Olivia-induced daze, takes a deep breath and heads toward the stairs to check on Emma.
This evening isn't going the way she expected. Instead of being alone in a darkened house, it's filled with life, laughter, and the sense of safety, comfort and warmth that Olivia always seems to bring with her when Natalia is around her now. There's is still so much that they need to discuss, a myriad of issues to resolve. Her son still won't come home, but what she has right now is far more than she imagined she would have when the day started.
*** *** ***
Natalia is pleasantly full from Olivia's delicious dinner, as she lays in bed. Tomorrow she will have to remember to ask where Olivia learned to cook like that. The older woman is still full of surprises. The bed is soft and the sheets are just as comfortable as they've always been, but as exhausted as she is, sleep just won't claim her. She had thought it would be imminent as she and Olivia put Emma to bed earlier. She had felt herself drifting off several times as Olivia read a bedtime story to Emma, but now that she is actually in bed, the peaceful oblivion of sleep is eluding her.
Instead of drifting off into a dream, Natalia finds herself pondering the future. It's true that she's more financially stable now than she's ever been in her life, but there's more to life than money. She wonders how she will explain this life to her baby - that she never really loved this child's father. At least with Rafe she had a pretty fantasy to hold onto for herself and to give to him. If Gus had found out before he left, their lives would have been different. This time, there is no pretty fantasy. She's going into this with her eyes wide open.
She's well aware of the exhaustion brought on by endless nights with too little sleep, long days filled with anxiety about her child when she can't be with them, the ever present doubt about whether she is raising the child the right way or if she is simply making more mistakes. Are Rafe's stints in juvenile hall and jail really his fault or can they be laid at the altar of bad parenting? His most recent judge certainly seems to think that's the case. And then there's the question of religion. With Rafe it was her salvation, her foundation, her support system and the community that she clung to when everything else had been stripped away from her, but now...now she will be barely welcome. It's worse than when she was a pregnant teenage mother. There are sins that cannot forgiven, forgotten, or overlooked, it seems.
Tears begin to fill Natalia's eyes and she squeezes her eyelids tightly shut, to keep them from falling. It's something of a pointless effort since she's alone in her own bed surrounded by darkness with no one there to see her. But she's tired of crying, of being ashamed. She's ashamed that the weakest part of her wants this to be easy. Everything has been so hard and all she can think about is taking a break from it all. As she thinks it though, she realizes that a break would mean a break from Olivia and Emma, and this little family that they've created has been the only thing getting her through the day lately.
Natalia rolls onto her side and struggles to find a more comfortable position. She knows that in a few months' time it will be virtually impossible to find a comfortable spot to lay in, and she should savor this relative ease while she still can. Tonight it's not making a difference, however. The sheets are twisted around her feet now and she kicks at them, growing more and more frustrated as they refuse to let go and untangle. She's sweating and almost in tears before she finally manages to get free.
Sitting up, Natalia decides that sleep just isn't going to come for the moment. Picking her worn terrycloth robe off the footboard, she pulls it on before she leaves the room. Her intention is to head down to the kitchen for a glass of warm milk. It was always the solution she recommended for Rafe when he couldn't sleep, but when she walks past Olivia's door, she hesitates. The loneliness has been kept mostly at bay since Olivia and Emma appeared at her door earlier, but now that she's alone in the dark again, it's returned in full force, bringing her troubled thoughts and the feeling of desperation that's beginning to rise up within her.
Her fingers brush against Olivia's door. It isn't shut completely and the door swings open several inches. It's dark inside Olivia's room and although she can make out faint shadows from the light drifting in from the open window, Natalia can't see Olivia in her bed.
"Olivia?" She whispers into the darkness. She isn't expecting her to answer. She knows all too well how deeply Olivia sleeps and how hard she is to rouse, but the shadows suddenly shift as she realizes that Olivia is walking toward her.
"Hey," Olivia says softly. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Natalia hurries to reassure her. "Nothing. I just couldn't sleep."
Olivia laughs. "Funny. I was having a hard time falling asleep too." The understanding in her voice eases Natalia's uncertainty at having shown up in Olivia's room like a scared child.
"I was going down to the kitchen to make some warm milk. Do you want some?" Natalia offers. Maybe if they're both there she can relax enough to get some sleep. The nagging voice in the back of her mind, however, tells her that she'll just be facing more sleepless when she returns to bed, alone once again.
Olivia hesitates too long before she answers and Natalia wonders if she's searching for an easy way to turn her down.
"I'm sorry," Natalia says as she steps back. "I shouldn't have bothered you."
"No, wait," Olivia speaks quickly, reaching out to catch Natalia's wrist before she can back any further away. "I'm glad you did. Tell me what's wrong."
Natalia shrugs, looking down. "I can't stop thinking. Every time I close my eyes, it's the same thing. I keep going around in circles and I can't slow down and relax."
"Me too," Olivia admits. "It's a lot to take in. We had a big surprise today; it's no wonder that neither of us can sleep. There's a lot we still have to decide." Olivia hesitates again. "I have an idea, but I don't know...."
Olivia is usually a confident woman, not prone to second thoughts or hesitation. At least not as far as anyone else is concerned. With Natalia, she is different. She is often uncertain and cautious. Natalia appreciates that Olivia is careful with their relationship, but she hates it too. She hates that her doubts and fears have given Olivia reason to doubt them. She doesn't want their relationship to be some fragile thing that Olivia is constantly worried about shattering. She wants to give Olivia strength and comfort in the same way that Olivia's belief in her lets her be a stronger person.
"Tell me," Natalia says gently. "What are you thinking?"
Olivia plays with the hem of her pajama top before she looks up at Natalia, from underneath the dark strands of hair falling across her eyes. "Come lay down with me." She waits a second for Natalia to say something and then continues. "Just to sleep. We've done it before - at the spa - remember? And neither of us will be alone with our thoughts. We can talk until we get sleepy, then you can go back to your room if you want. I just...." She shakes her head and trails off.
Inwardly Natalia marvels at the way Olivia is handing her everything that she, herself, needs - someone to be there with her in the darkness, and keep her turbulent thoughts at bay - but is to nervous to ask for. Not that Olivia doesn't sound nervous, but her boldness has always exceeded Natalia's.
"Olivia," Natalia speaks quickly before Olivia can start thinking the worst. "I would really like that."
"Yeah?" The tender, hopefulness of that one syllable takes Natalia by surprise.
"Oh, yes."
Slowly, Olivia backs up, leading Natalia toward the bed. She lets go when they reach the foot of the bed and steps around to her usual side. She sits and pulls back the covers for Natalia on the opposite side. They've done this before. Natalia remembers the few times with incredible detail, but she can still feel her stomach fluttering. Not from nausea or fear, but the best kind of nerves because she's about to get into bed with Olivia Spencer.
"Hey." The softly spoken word draws Natalia out of her thoughts. "We don't have to do this."
It's only then that Natalia realizes she's stopped moving and is standing by the side of the bed. She bites her lip and shakes her head, although Natalia isn't sure that Olivia can see either gesture. The only reason she's hesitant is because she's afraid she might want this too much.
"I know we don't have to," Natalia says, pulling the sheets and comforter a little bit further down before she sits on the edge of the bed. "But I want to." Her face heats up and she's glad that it will be lost from sight in the room's shadows.
"Okay," Olivia replies as she slips under the cover on her side of the bed and lays back.
Next to her, Natalia does the same thing. Neither of them move in the enveloping darkness. They lay perfectly still on their backs, nothing, not even their fingertips are touching. Is it going to be this impossibly awkward all night long, Natalia wonders. She doesn't want it to be. She waits, hoping that Olivia will move toward her. Maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe she prefers her space when she's sleeping.
"Are you still awake?"
Olivia's whisper startles her and Natalia almost jumps.
"Yes." She turns her head on the pillow to look over at Olivia, and finds her awkward position echoed back to her. Neither of them has moved and both are still lying flat on their backs having to turn their heads at an awkward angle to see one another. It all suddenly feels foolish to Natalia and she hopes she doesn't look as silly as she's beginning to suspect she does. They're grown women, after all. Women who love each other. They should be able to share a bed without all of this awkwardness.
Unable to take it anymore, Natalia rolls over on her side, pulling the pillow a little bit further underneath her head. She smiles when a glimmer of light spilling in from the window illuminates the bemused look on Olivia's face and then Olivia copies her gesture, rolling onto her side. No one can blame Natalia either, if she scoots a little bit closer to Olivia while she's distracted with getting situated. After all, Natalia isn't ready to sleep and she doesn't want to wake Emma with their talking.
This is much better Natalia decides, when Olivia's face is only inches from her own. The silence becomes more comfortable and the tension eases as the pressing need to say something begins to fade. Staring into Olivia's eyes, memorizing her striking features, is something that Natalia loves doing even in the dark like this where she can only make out the edge of her features. In the dim light they're free to indulge in a blatant perusal of one another that would be awkward in the full light of day. They can stare as long as they want to without having to make excuses or worry if the other is growing uncomfortable under their gaze.
"Where did you learn to cook like that? Really." Natalia asks, her curiosity from earlier suddenly returning. Sleep is still proving to be elusive and she needs a distraction. Not that Olivia isn't distracting enough on her own, but those thoughts lead in a direction she's not prepared to follow tonight.
Olivia's chuckle sends soft puffs of warm air brushing across her skin.
"Still can't get over that little display of culinary mastery, huh?" Olivia can't resist teasing her. "I trained to be a chef on San Cristobel."
"Wow." Natalia is truly surprised. Olivia's never hinted about this piece of her past. "I had no idea."
Natalia feels the slight movement of the mattress as Olivia shrugs. "It was a long time ago." There's a pause and then she adds, "I had to do learn to do something to support Sam and Marissa and it turned out I was good at it." The pride in her voice is unmistakable and it brings a smile to Natalia's face.
She shifts closer to Olivia without even realizing it. "So, why did you stop?"
"There were a lot of reasons, but mainly, I wanted something else. Money," Olivia admits with slight hesitation, "And power." She knows that Natalia doesn't understand the lust for that sort of thing and she hopes that Natalia doesn't judge her too harshly for it.
"What was it like? San Cristobel," Natalia clarifies. Their bodies are almost touching now and Natalia's arms are wrapped around Olivia's arm. Her long hair brushes across Olivia's shoulder and the bare skin of her arm raising goosebumps on Olivia's skin.
Olivia smiles, her eyes drifting up to the ceiling above her as she thinks back. "It was beautiful," she says wistfully. "So beautiful." She turns her smile on Natalia. "You would love it."
Natalia shifts a fraction closer so that her forehead is resting against Olivia's shoulder. "Tell me about it."
And Olivia does: the gentle rhythm and rich tone of her voice eventually lulling Natalia into sleep.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: PG...for now.
Word count: 4,536
Summary: What if Natalia had talked to Olivia before she left the farmhouse?
Spoilers: For the 7/01/09 episode.
Author's Note: I took the s/l of doom and not only embraced it, but made out with it. Then we had little fic babies. Which is probably not the best metaphor given everything, but there you have it. Please to be not killing me for this fic. Also many thanks to
lbecka and q_wordy13 both for the beta. I very much appreciate both of their words and insight. They are the bests kinds of betas that offered detailed criticism on both the writing and how it is written. Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer & Fetus Rivera) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three
Natalia is an intrinsically practical woman. Living with Olivia has smoothed away some of her sharp edges and shown her that it’s okay to splurge sometimes, but it’s still not something that comes naturally to Natalia. She is much more likely to do something to spoil Emma, or even Olivia, than to pamper herself. That practicality makes itself apparent in ways both large and small. At the moment it's most visible in the darkness that lingers inside the farmhouse.
With no one to share this house, there's no reason for every room to be lit. Lights are turned off as Natalia leaves one room and enters the next. It's an old habit of frugality and at one point in her life, a constant refrain to Rafe. Now it is only one of a hundred things that make her miss him more.
It also serve to make her house seem even emptier, without the soft glow of light suffusing it with comfort and warmth from within, providing a safe harbor from which Emma's easy, childish laughter could ring out. Tonight, Natalia doesn't need anything to emphasize that she's alone, subtly or not. She feels it sharply, but she still can't bring herself to fill the house with light. It would feel worse to have it ring with false promise.
She's been sitting on the couch since she came inside. At first, it was intended to be just for a moment, but she can't make herself move. Exhaustion has sunk into every inch of her body. It weighs her down and holds her in place as she relives her son's words over and over. And, as they always seem to do recently, thoughts of Rafe bring with them thoughts of Frank. The man that she once thought she would spend the rest of her life with is now a man that she will be forever connected to, and not in a way she would have chosen. Just thinking of him makes her more exhausted, because she knows this isn't over. Frank hasn't accepted anything about her relationship with Olivia. It will continue to be a fight to make him understand and stop making their lives more difficult.
It's a daunting thought, but one that she can't dismiss. There are choices that she could make to simplify her life, but the truth is, for her, there is no choice. If she was one to chose the simple path over the right one, she would have done it years ago. In so many ways, the decision to have Rafe has dictated the course of her life. There are turning points in everyone's life. Finding out that she was pregnant with Rafe was the first turning point in her life, her first serious decision. She chose the more difficult path then. She won't start taking the easier way now, but tonight she needs something. Just a reminder of why taking the harder road is worth it in the end. She needs a moment's peace and something to remind her of why she's fighting, why Frank and Rafe are both so very wrong about this.
Natalia pulls out her cellphone and hits the speed dial before she can talk herself out of it.
"Olivia?"
She hears a quick, sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line.
“I’m here.”
The darkness of the farmhouse is suddenly suffocating. The richness of Olivia’s voice makes what’s lacking here so much more apparent.
Natalia bites her lip but some small sound must make its way out of her mouth, because Olivia speaks immediately.
"Are you okay?" There's a slight pause. "How did it go with Frank?"
"I'm okay," Natalia says, but the sniffle mid-sentence belies her words. She folds her arm across her midsection and her hand clenches tightly around her other arm. "I need something."
She's afraid to ask. She doesn't want to ask. How can she ask for anything else after Olivia has been there for her so completely? Natalia has already asked her to accept the fact that she's having someone else's child. Is asking one thing more finally asking too much?
"Anything," Olivia replies without hesitation. "You know that."
Natalia blinks, startled by the response even if she shouldn't be. That has always been Olivia's response whenever she has asked for something, or even when she hasn't asked. Olivia had even gone inside the church with her the day Rafe had gone back to the halfway house after her aborted wedding. Natalia is not unaware of how big of a statement that had been for Olivia.
"Will you and Emma come spend the night? I don't want to be alone," she hurries on. Natalia rubs her wrist across her nose, wiping away tears. "It's so quiet." In fact, the only things that aren’t quiet are the accusations and unfriendly voices running through her head, along with her own troubled thoughts. She knows that she needs to be able to stand on her own. Olivia has taught her that, but just for tonight she wants to drown her worries with Emma's laughter and Olivia's sarcastic commentary; the look in Olivia's eyes that makes her shiver and forget everything else in the world.
There's silence from the other end of the connection and Natalia grits her teeth. She's just about to verbally backtrack, wishing that she had never asked, but, she knows best of all that once something has been said, it cannot be unsaid.
"We'll be there," Olivia says, her words coming out in a rush. Natalia hears the sound of a deep breath over the phone. "Natalia...what about Rafe?"
Natalia shakes her head. "He won't come out here tonight."
Olivia is silent for a moment, processing her statement, Natalia assumes. "Okay," she says finally. "We're on our way." Natalia is about to say good bye when Olivia speaks again. "I love you." She closes her eyes when she hears Olivia, and allows herself to let those three simple words soak into her like a healing balm for the soul. It's just what she needs to hear.
"I love you too."
--- ---- --- ---
Olivia knocks and waits for Natalia to come to the door before she enters. It's a small detail that Natalia cherishes. She hasn't realized how irritated she was with Frank for the many times that he had simply walked in without knocking. This is her home, not his. And, she admits in her heart, it's also Olivia's home, and Emma's. She wants them to come and go as they please, without any hesitation, but she still loves that Olivia cares enough to respect her space.
"Natalia!" Emma squeals joyfully when she sees her, giving the woman a quick, tight hug before she darts past them into the house. She runs loudly up the stairs and Natalia smiles as she thinks of Emma back in her old room.
When she looks back at Olivia, Olivia is leaning against the doorway, a concerned smile on her face as she watches Natalia. She notices Natalia's attention refocusing on her and opens her arms without a word. Natalia steps into them gratefully. She buries her face in the crook of Olivia's neck and holds her tightly as Olivia strokes her hair and murmurs soft comforting words into her ear.
When they finally separate, Olivia takes her hand and leads her over to the couch. They sit down close to one another, knees touching. Olivia reaches out and gently tilts Natalia's chin up until she can see her expression clearly. Suddenly, Natalia feels self-conscious. She's been crying for most of the day and she knows how red and blotchy her face gets when she cries. Her eyes are probably bloodshot and her hair feels disheveled, which is not her best look. She tries to look away, but Olivia holds her gently, but firmly in place, not letting her turn away.
"How are you?" Olivia asks after it looks like she's satisfied with her perusal of Natalia.
Natalia shrugs, and sinks against the back of the couch. It brings her closer to Olivia and she tilts her head over to lean on Olivia's shoulder. She needs to find words again. Olivia has already done so much for her today, and she deserves to know what Natalia is thinking.
"I told them," she says softly. "Frank and Rafe."
Olivia lets out a deep breath. "How did they take it?"
Natalia shrugs. She doesn't particularly want to rehash the conversations that they had. "It's going to take time," she says finally. "Frank still thinks..." She shakes her head. "Well, it doesn't really matter what Frank thinks." She squeezes Olivia's hand.
"Are you sure? He is this baby's father."
Natalia straightens, feeling stung by the reminder. She had known that sleeping with Frank was a mistake as soon as it had happened. Guilt had consumed her immediately afterward. There had been nothing solid between she and Olivia for her to betray, but her actions had felt like a betrayal nonetheless. She had known what she was feeling for Olivia, even if she could barely admit it to herself. That made it inexcusable. Now this reminder of her child's parentage feels like an accusation and she isn't expecting it from Olivia. "Of course, I'm sure. I told you, I'm not getting back together with Frank." Her statement comes out harsher than she intends, and defensive.
Olivia's flinch isn't lost on her. "Olivia..." Natalia struggles for a moment to put her thoughts into words. "If I married Frank because of this baby, it would be for all of the wrong reasons, especially, since I'm in love with you. I would be miserable and so would he, even if he wouldn't admit it. And it certainly wouldn't be a good environment to raise a child." The more she speaks, the more certain she feels. It's slowly washing away the wrongness she felt when she was speaking with Frank earlier, when it became clear that Frank still wants them to be a couple. She can't just go along for a second time; living a lie hurt them all too much.
Olivia nods, and the look in her eyes seems almost completely free of the sadness and insecurity that Natalia so hates to see there. Olivia changes the subject with a smile.
"Have you eaten?"
Natalia shakes her head. She hadn't felt like eating when she'd returned from Frank's and then it hadn't seemed worth the effort to fix herself a meal.
"Okay, then. I'm going to fix us dinner," Olivia says in a tone that leaves no room for argument. "Em and I were just about to order something when you called."
Natalia smiles at the mental image of Olivia and Emma piled up on Olivia's big bed, pouring over the Beacon's room service menu the way they do every time, even though she's pretty certain they both have it memorized by now. "Thank you." Even if she isn't particularly hungry, she appreciates Olivia taking care of her. "The takeout menus are still in the drawer by the refrigerator."
Olivia laughs. "Oh, no. I'm not ordering you takeout. I'm cooking you dinner."
Natalia blinks in surprise and her eyes narrow. "Since when do you cook?"
Olivia grins, giving her that smile that is knowing and slightly flirtatious. Natalia has just laid a challenge at her feet whether she knows it or not, and Olivia is always up for a challenge.
"Just because I don’t cook, doesn’t mean I can’t – when I want to." She shrugs, still giving Natalia that same look. "Do you mind checking on Emma? I'll have dinner going by the time you get back down."
"You don't even know what's in the kitchen," Natalia protests weakly, mainly because she doesn't know what's in her kitchen, and she's a little bit embarrassed by that. She has been distracted for the past few days and home cooked meals have slid to the wayside.
"I'm sure I'll find something," Olivia counters confidently as she stands and offers a hand to Natalia to help her up. Her hand lingers on Natalia's after they've stood and for a moment neither woman makes a move to leave. Natalia catches herself staring at their joined hands, marveling at how soft Olivia's skin is and how much she doesn't want to let go.
When she realizes that she's staring, Natalia flushes and looks up. Olivia is watching her with penetrating green eyes that always make Natalia's breath catch in her throat. The smile on Olivia's face is knowing, now, and makes Natalia blush even more. She starts to pull her hand away, but Olivia only holds tighter. Slowly she brings their joined hands up until she can place a feather light kiss on the back of Natalia's hand.
The fire in Olivia's eyes is almost palpable, as she clears her throat and steps back, gesturing behind her. "I'm, uh, going to go work on dinner."
Natalia can't help but be charmed and almost forgets how embarrassed she was to be caught looking. Olivia backs toward the kitchen, allowing their hands to drift apart gently. Natalia stares after her for a moment before she shakes herself out of her momentary Olivia-induced daze, takes a deep breath and heads toward the stairs to check on Emma.
This evening isn't going the way she expected. Instead of being alone in a darkened house, it's filled with life, laughter, and the sense of safety, comfort and warmth that Olivia always seems to bring with her when Natalia is around her now. There's is still so much that they need to discuss, a myriad of issues to resolve. Her son still won't come home, but what she has right now is far more than she imagined she would have when the day started.
*** *** ***
Natalia is pleasantly full from Olivia's delicious dinner, as she lays in bed. Tomorrow she will have to remember to ask where Olivia learned to cook like that. The older woman is still full of surprises. The bed is soft and the sheets are just as comfortable as they've always been, but as exhausted as she is, sleep just won't claim her. She had thought it would be imminent as she and Olivia put Emma to bed earlier. She had felt herself drifting off several times as Olivia read a bedtime story to Emma, but now that she is actually in bed, the peaceful oblivion of sleep is eluding her.
Instead of drifting off into a dream, Natalia finds herself pondering the future. It's true that she's more financially stable now than she's ever been in her life, but there's more to life than money. She wonders how she will explain this life to her baby - that she never really loved this child's father. At least with Rafe she had a pretty fantasy to hold onto for herself and to give to him. If Gus had found out before he left, their lives would have been different. This time, there is no pretty fantasy. She's going into this with her eyes wide open.
She's well aware of the exhaustion brought on by endless nights with too little sleep, long days filled with anxiety about her child when she can't be with them, the ever present doubt about whether she is raising the child the right way or if she is simply making more mistakes. Are Rafe's stints in juvenile hall and jail really his fault or can they be laid at the altar of bad parenting? His most recent judge certainly seems to think that's the case. And then there's the question of religion. With Rafe it was her salvation, her foundation, her support system and the community that she clung to when everything else had been stripped away from her, but now...now she will be barely welcome. It's worse than when she was a pregnant teenage mother. There are sins that cannot forgiven, forgotten, or overlooked, it seems.
Tears begin to fill Natalia's eyes and she squeezes her eyelids tightly shut, to keep them from falling. It's something of a pointless effort since she's alone in her own bed surrounded by darkness with no one there to see her. But she's tired of crying, of being ashamed. She's ashamed that the weakest part of her wants this to be easy. Everything has been so hard and all she can think about is taking a break from it all. As she thinks it though, she realizes that a break would mean a break from Olivia and Emma, and this little family that they've created has been the only thing getting her through the day lately.
Natalia rolls onto her side and struggles to find a more comfortable position. She knows that in a few months' time it will be virtually impossible to find a comfortable spot to lay in, and she should savor this relative ease while she still can. Tonight it's not making a difference, however. The sheets are twisted around her feet now and she kicks at them, growing more and more frustrated as they refuse to let go and untangle. She's sweating and almost in tears before she finally manages to get free.
Sitting up, Natalia decides that sleep just isn't going to come for the moment. Picking her worn terrycloth robe off the footboard, she pulls it on before she leaves the room. Her intention is to head down to the kitchen for a glass of warm milk. It was always the solution she recommended for Rafe when he couldn't sleep, but when she walks past Olivia's door, she hesitates. The loneliness has been kept mostly at bay since Olivia and Emma appeared at her door earlier, but now that she's alone in the dark again, it's returned in full force, bringing her troubled thoughts and the feeling of desperation that's beginning to rise up within her.
Her fingers brush against Olivia's door. It isn't shut completely and the door swings open several inches. It's dark inside Olivia's room and although she can make out faint shadows from the light drifting in from the open window, Natalia can't see Olivia in her bed.
"Olivia?" She whispers into the darkness. She isn't expecting her to answer. She knows all too well how deeply Olivia sleeps and how hard she is to rouse, but the shadows suddenly shift as she realizes that Olivia is walking toward her.
"Hey," Olivia says softly. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Natalia hurries to reassure her. "Nothing. I just couldn't sleep."
Olivia laughs. "Funny. I was having a hard time falling asleep too." The understanding in her voice eases Natalia's uncertainty at having shown up in Olivia's room like a scared child.
"I was going down to the kitchen to make some warm milk. Do you want some?" Natalia offers. Maybe if they're both there she can relax enough to get some sleep. The nagging voice in the back of her mind, however, tells her that she'll just be facing more sleepless when she returns to bed, alone once again.
Olivia hesitates too long before she answers and Natalia wonders if she's searching for an easy way to turn her down.
"I'm sorry," Natalia says as she steps back. "I shouldn't have bothered you."
"No, wait," Olivia speaks quickly, reaching out to catch Natalia's wrist before she can back any further away. "I'm glad you did. Tell me what's wrong."
Natalia shrugs, looking down. "I can't stop thinking. Every time I close my eyes, it's the same thing. I keep going around in circles and I can't slow down and relax."
"Me too," Olivia admits. "It's a lot to take in. We had a big surprise today; it's no wonder that neither of us can sleep. There's a lot we still have to decide." Olivia hesitates again. "I have an idea, but I don't know...."
Olivia is usually a confident woman, not prone to second thoughts or hesitation. At least not as far as anyone else is concerned. With Natalia, she is different. She is often uncertain and cautious. Natalia appreciates that Olivia is careful with their relationship, but she hates it too. She hates that her doubts and fears have given Olivia reason to doubt them. She doesn't want their relationship to be some fragile thing that Olivia is constantly worried about shattering. She wants to give Olivia strength and comfort in the same way that Olivia's belief in her lets her be a stronger person.
"Tell me," Natalia says gently. "What are you thinking?"
Olivia plays with the hem of her pajama top before she looks up at Natalia, from underneath the dark strands of hair falling across her eyes. "Come lay down with me." She waits a second for Natalia to say something and then continues. "Just to sleep. We've done it before - at the spa - remember? And neither of us will be alone with our thoughts. We can talk until we get sleepy, then you can go back to your room if you want. I just...." She shakes her head and trails off.
Inwardly Natalia marvels at the way Olivia is handing her everything that she, herself, needs - someone to be there with her in the darkness, and keep her turbulent thoughts at bay - but is to nervous to ask for. Not that Olivia doesn't sound nervous, but her boldness has always exceeded Natalia's.
"Olivia," Natalia speaks quickly before Olivia can start thinking the worst. "I would really like that."
"Yeah?" The tender, hopefulness of that one syllable takes Natalia by surprise.
"Oh, yes."
Slowly, Olivia backs up, leading Natalia toward the bed. She lets go when they reach the foot of the bed and steps around to her usual side. She sits and pulls back the covers for Natalia on the opposite side. They've done this before. Natalia remembers the few times with incredible detail, but she can still feel her stomach fluttering. Not from nausea or fear, but the best kind of nerves because she's about to get into bed with Olivia Spencer.
"Hey." The softly spoken word draws Natalia out of her thoughts. "We don't have to do this."
It's only then that Natalia realizes she's stopped moving and is standing by the side of the bed. She bites her lip and shakes her head, although Natalia isn't sure that Olivia can see either gesture. The only reason she's hesitant is because she's afraid she might want this too much.
"I know we don't have to," Natalia says, pulling the sheets and comforter a little bit further down before she sits on the edge of the bed. "But I want to." Her face heats up and she's glad that it will be lost from sight in the room's shadows.
"Okay," Olivia replies as she slips under the cover on her side of the bed and lays back.
Next to her, Natalia does the same thing. Neither of them move in the enveloping darkness. They lay perfectly still on their backs, nothing, not even their fingertips are touching. Is it going to be this impossibly awkward all night long, Natalia wonders. She doesn't want it to be. She waits, hoping that Olivia will move toward her. Maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe she prefers her space when she's sleeping.
"Are you still awake?"
Olivia's whisper startles her and Natalia almost jumps.
"Yes." She turns her head on the pillow to look over at Olivia, and finds her awkward position echoed back to her. Neither of them has moved and both are still lying flat on their backs having to turn their heads at an awkward angle to see one another. It all suddenly feels foolish to Natalia and she hopes she doesn't look as silly as she's beginning to suspect she does. They're grown women, after all. Women who love each other. They should be able to share a bed without all of this awkwardness.
Unable to take it anymore, Natalia rolls over on her side, pulling the pillow a little bit further underneath her head. She smiles when a glimmer of light spilling in from the window illuminates the bemused look on Olivia's face and then Olivia copies her gesture, rolling onto her side. No one can blame Natalia either, if she scoots a little bit closer to Olivia while she's distracted with getting situated. After all, Natalia isn't ready to sleep and she doesn't want to wake Emma with their talking.
This is much better Natalia decides, when Olivia's face is only inches from her own. The silence becomes more comfortable and the tension eases as the pressing need to say something begins to fade. Staring into Olivia's eyes, memorizing her striking features, is something that Natalia loves doing even in the dark like this where she can only make out the edge of her features. In the dim light they're free to indulge in a blatant perusal of one another that would be awkward in the full light of day. They can stare as long as they want to without having to make excuses or worry if the other is growing uncomfortable under their gaze.
"Where did you learn to cook like that? Really." Natalia asks, her curiosity from earlier suddenly returning. Sleep is still proving to be elusive and she needs a distraction. Not that Olivia isn't distracting enough on her own, but those thoughts lead in a direction she's not prepared to follow tonight.
Olivia's chuckle sends soft puffs of warm air brushing across her skin.
"Still can't get over that little display of culinary mastery, huh?" Olivia can't resist teasing her. "I trained to be a chef on San Cristobel."
"Wow." Natalia is truly surprised. Olivia's never hinted about this piece of her past. "I had no idea."
Natalia feels the slight movement of the mattress as Olivia shrugs. "It was a long time ago." There's a pause and then she adds, "I had to do learn to do something to support Sam and Marissa and it turned out I was good at it." The pride in her voice is unmistakable and it brings a smile to Natalia's face.
She shifts closer to Olivia without even realizing it. "So, why did you stop?"
"There were a lot of reasons, but mainly, I wanted something else. Money," Olivia admits with slight hesitation, "And power." She knows that Natalia doesn't understand the lust for that sort of thing and she hopes that Natalia doesn't judge her too harshly for it.
"What was it like? San Cristobel," Natalia clarifies. Their bodies are almost touching now and Natalia's arms are wrapped around Olivia's arm. Her long hair brushes across Olivia's shoulder and the bare skin of her arm raising goosebumps on Olivia's skin.
Olivia smiles, her eyes drifting up to the ceiling above her as she thinks back. "It was beautiful," she says wistfully. "So beautiful." She turns her smile on Natalia. "You would love it."
Natalia shifts a fraction closer so that her forehead is resting against Olivia's shoulder. "Tell me about it."
And Olivia does: the gentle rhythm and rich tone of her voice eventually lulling Natalia into sleep.
Tags:
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
From:
no subject
Seriously though I like very much how you have them inching their way closer together without rushing. Feels right somehow.
From:
no subject
You know, it's crazy, but now that we're rushing to the end of the show, I'm coming to realize how much I appreciate the slow path that these two were taking to finding their way together. I wish we would have gotten to see how this played out without rushing to get them back together. It would have been angsty and torturous but I think it would have been awesome too. I'm definitely gonna miss it. :(
From:
no subject
It's positively amazing.
<3
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
Poor Nat, with all her fears and worries. I'm glad she called Olivia. That final scene of the two of them in bed was so cute and sweet.
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
i LOOOOOOOOOVED how you brought them together, in the dark, so sleep. sooooo sweet, the two of them and as a couple. i can't wait to read more!
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
One small thing - "chose the simply path" - 'simple'.
Other than that, absolutely superb, in characterisation, writing, flow and tempo. ♥ Looking forward to more soon ;)
From:
no subject
Ooh, thanks for the heads up. That was an add on after my betas had returned it to me. See why I need two people watching out for me? I can't even write a simple sentence by myself, lol.
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
Thank you so much for updating, m'dear, perfect to read right before bed!
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
"I love you." She closes her eyes when she hears Olivia, and allows herself to let those three simple words soak into her like a healing balm for the soul. It's just what she needs to hear. / "I love you too." - Awww
Olivia knocks and waits for Natalia to come to the door before she enters. It's a small detail that Natalia cherishes. She hasn't realized how irritated she was with Frank for the many times that he had simply walked in without knocking. This is her home, not his. - Hahaha
She notices Natalia's attention refocusing on her and opens her arms without a word. Natalia steps into them gratefully. She buries her face in the crook of Olivia's neck and holds her tightly as Olivia strokes her hair and murmurs soft comforting words into her ear. - Awww
When she realizes that she's staring, Natalia flushes and looks up. Olivia is watching her with penetrating green eyes that always make Natalia's breath catch in her throat. The smile on Olivia's face is knowing, now, and makes Natalia blush even more. She starts to pull her hand away, but Olivia only holds tighter. Slowly she brings their joined hands up until she can place a feather light kiss on the back of Natalia's hand. - Love that too
Olivia is usually a confident woman, not prone to second thoughts or hesitation. At least not as far as anyone else is concerned. With Natalia, she is different. She is often uncertain and cautious. Natalia appreciates that Olivia is careful with their relationship, but she hates it too. She hates that her doubts and fears have given Olivia reason to doubt them. She doesn't want their relationship to be some fragile thing that Olivia is constantly worried about shattering. She wants to give Olivia strength and comfort in the same way that Olivia's belief in her lets her be a stronger person. - Neat
"Come lay down with me." - Yay!
No one can blame Natalia either, if she scoots a little bit closer to Olivia while she's distracted with getting situated. After all, Natalia isn't ready to sleep and she doesn't want to wake Emma with their talking. - Hehehe
Natalia shifts a fraction closer so that her forehead is resting against Olivia's shoulder. "Tell me about it." / And Olivia does: the gentle rhythm and rich tone of her voice eventually lulling Natalia into sleep. - Awwww