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Title: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Natalia Rivera, Olivia Spencer, Doris Wolfe, Jamanda, Josh Lewis
Category: Romance, Drama, Angst
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 30,863 (Total)
Summary: Happily Ever After. Ain’t it grand?
Spoilers/Timeline Moving In Day 2.0
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: For a change, I have nothing to say that isn’t spoilery, so I’ll just shut up.
Beta: Many thanks to aimlessla, and the usual undying appreciation to Rysler for her assistance and nudging me in the right direction.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six
Part Seven
Olivia squinted against the light. It was just too damn bright. It had more to do with the pounding in her head and the sensitivity of her eyes than the actual amount of light; the sun was just barely starting to peek over the horizon. Oncoming headlights on the drive over had sent her digging through her purse for her sunglasses as quickly as she could. The fact that she was awake at all would have been astonishing to most of the people who knew her.
Olivia was not a morning person, but even knowing she'd be hung over, she had set her alarm to wake her up early. She wanted to be there when Natalia woke up. She had told Natalia once that when she did something, she did it big. This would be no exception. More than that, she needed it to be if she was going to show Natalia how she really felt. Olivia was aware that the past few days couldn't have been easy for Natalia, but she had never lashed out at Olivia, only pleaded for understanding. Coming back on her own terms meant that Olivia really was all in this time. There would be no holding back, even for the corners of her heart that were terrified. She wanted to make Natalia feel as special and loved as she had made Olivia feel. Hopefully she would get it right - hopefully Natalia would be willing to forgive her.
A nervous chuckle was the best Olivia could manage at that, a little dismissal to ward the thought off before it managed to latch on to her. She didn't really think that Natalia would run away on her again - not with a baby on the way. Breaking up with her was a different story though. It wasn't like being with her had exactly been a picnic for Natalia so far.
Swallowing her nerves, Olivia tested the door - the same one she had locked on the way out of the house the night before - and was not surprised to find it still locked. Fishing her keys out she unlocked it and let herself in. With the bags hanging off her wrists it was hard to get inside without making enough noise to wake up the whole house - and the ducks. Somehow Olivia managed, detouring into the kitchen to set her purchases down on the table before she headed upstairs.
Olivia took them one step at a time, carefully setting her feet just so to avoid making them creak or groan as she went up. This was supposed to be a surprise after all. Emma's room was her first stop. She pushed the door open carefully, wanting a glimpse of her little girl. She had no doubt that Emma was fine - or else Natalia would have called her - but she had missed Emma. She always did, anytime they were separated for more than a few hours.
To Olivia's surprise Emma wasn't in her bed. She felt a jolt of worry. Emma hadn't been downstairs watching cartoons, either. With her heart in her throat, Olivia started towards Natalia's room, hoping desperately that Emma was in there, even though she'd heard none of the tell-tale signs of the girl's presence - excited chatter and delighted giggles. Her worry for Emma was enough to bury any awkwardness that she might have otherwise had, going into Natalia's room uninvited. Olivia knew it was supposed to be their room now. They'd barely had a night to share it though and she still wasn't completely used to thinking of it as theirs rather than Natalia's.
Olivia caught sight of Natalia first, curled up on her side with the cover pulled up almost over her chin despite it being the middle of summer. Dark hair fell down over her shoulders. It took her a moment longer to locate Emma, pressed up against Natalia. She lay sprawled on the bed, arms and legs akimbo, with a small sheen of sweat dampening her face and matting her hair down. Emma had always been like a little heater. The sight of her two - no, three - favorite girls curled up in bed together sleeping soundly made Olivia smile.
Putting her plans aside for the moment, Olivia crossed to the other side of the bed and sat down on the edge nearest Emma. Without stopping to think about it, she slipped off her shoes and tucked her legs up close to her, rolling over until she was facing Emma and Natalia both. Olivia propped her head up on one hand and just watched them sleep. Part of her kept waiting for the fear to set in, the urge to run to take over again, but it never came. She could feel her heart racing but knew it was from nerves. She refused to let it stop her from doing what she had come here to do.
Emma shifted, her eyes flickering open. When she caught sight of Olivia, she blinked sleepily and pushed herself up on her elbows. "Mommy?"
"Hey, baby," Olivia whispered, reaching out to cup Emma's cheek. She wasn't prepared when Emma suddenly launched herself, throwing skinny arms around Olivia and squeezing as tightly as she could. "Oof," Olivia grunted from her new position on her back, bowled over by Emma's eagerness. She rubbed Emma's back soothingly. "What's wrong, Em?" she whispered, still trying to keep from waking Natalia.
"I had a nightmare," Emma said with more than a little indignation. "And then I came in here because I was scared and I couldn't sleep, but you weren't here." She squeezed Olivia a little tighter. "Natalia said I could stay with her," she said with a small pout.
Olivia stroked Emma's hair and raised her head to kiss Emma's brow. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you, Jellybean. It was awfully nice of Natalia to let you stay with her though. Did that make you feel better?"
Emma shrugged, looking down and not quite meeting Olivia's eyes.
"You want to tell me about it?"
Emma shrugged again, but this time it was accompanied by the slightest nod.
"Okay," Olivia said, keeping her voice pitched low. She glanced over at Natalia. Either she was still sleeping or she was doing a very good job of faking it. "Let's go downstairs and you can tell me all about it." She cupped the back of Emma's head. "I don't want you to ever have to be scared of anything."
Emma buried her face against Olivia's chest for a moment and Olivia let her, never slowing the motion of her hand as she rubbed gentle circles on Emma's back. If Emma needed a moment she was more than happy to give it to her. Finally Emma let go and pushed herself off Olivia, who just managed to stifle another grunt. Emma tugged at her hand and Olivia let herself be pulled up from the bed. She followed Emma out of the room with a lingering glance over her shoulder at Natalia.
Olivia allowed Emma to lead her downstairs, but pulled Emma back to her when they reached the couch. She sank into it and then patted the seat beside her. When Emma sat down, she pulled the blanket out from behind her and wrapped it around them. It smelled faintly of Natalia.
"So what happened in your dream, Jellybean?" Olivia asked, sinking back into the couch and drawing Emma into her, letting her hand run up and down Emma's arm. She wanted to close her eyes but Olivia was afraid she would fall asleep.
Emma turned into Olivia abruptly, clinging tightly to Olivia again. Her face was hidden from Olivia. "Daddy died."
Olivia froze. She should have been expecting it, but she had just been hoping for something a little easier, like something with monsters or from a horror movie Emma had caught a glimpse of at a friend's house. Not this. "I'm sorry you had a dream about that, but you know he's going to be okay now, right, Em?"
Emma nodded but she still didn't raise her head. Worry began to build inside Olivia. It wasn't like Emma to be this quiet.
"You were dead too," Emma whispered.
Olivia's heart wrenched. Emma had been through so much in her short life - being kidnapped, thinking her father was dead, told she would lose her mother and then her father. It was a wonder that she coped as well as she did - just another thing that made her the brilliant little girl that Olivia loved with her whole heart. It tore Olivia up inside to see Emma hurting like that.
Olivia pulled Emma even closer to her, ignoring the twinge in her chest. "Look at me, Emma."
It took some gentle coaxing, but finally Olivia got Emma to raise her head. Her eyes were watery and her cheeks suspiciously damp.
"I'm not going anywhere," Olivia said firmly, meeting her gaze and not looking away. "Not for a very long time. And neither is your daddy. I promise you." Part of her winced and waited for lightning to strike. She was making promises left and right these days, ones that she might not be able to keep. Life had proven to Olivia that it was hard and unfair and horrible. But she didn't want Emma to live her life dreading what might happen - not when she could have Natalia's hope and optimism.
Emma started to protest and Olivia gently put a finger over her lips.
"But, in a long time, when you're much, much older, if anything does happen to me - or your Daddy - you know that Natalia will always be here for you, right? Natalia and your little sister. Rafe. Ava. Bill and Lizzie. They'll always be there for you, Jellybean, and Natalia loves you so much." Olivia swallowed. "She loves you just as much as I do."
Emma made a small whimpering sound and dove back into Olivia's arms, clinging to her. Olivia could hear that Emma was crying. Knowing she was overwhelmed, Olivia held her like she hadn't held Emma in a long time and made soothing nonsensical noises, just to keep from going silent more than anything.
Finally the sobbing turned to occasional sniffs and then Emma lifted her head. Olivia stroked her hair.
"Think you're going to be okay now?"
Emma nodded.
"Good," Olivia gave her a quick hug. "I love you so much and I hate it when you're sad."
"Me too, Mommy... when you are," Emma elaborated.
Olivia held back a sigh. "I know, Em," she chose her words carefully. "I'm sorry if I scared you while Natalia was gone, but things are better now. I'm better now and you don't have to worry any more."
"Okay," Emma said in a quiet voice.
Olivia wasn't quite sure if she could believe Emma's easy acceptance, but she hoped she could. She wanted better things for Emma; she wanted her to be happy. Olivia stroked Emma's hair again. "You know we haven't really talked since we told you we were moving back in. What do you think about having a little sister?" Emma was a warm, open-hearted little girl, but she had, for the most part, been an only child. Sure, there was Lizzie and James and Ava - and even Zack - but they were older and not an every day part of her life. There was no competition for Olivia's love.
To Olivia's surprise, Emma smiled and looked a little bit shy.
"I think it's great, Mommy," Emma ducked her head. "I've always wanted a little brother or sister, but a sister's best."
Olivia was a little stunned - and a little sad. She’d never known that Emma had even thought about it, but of course she would have. Emma was a very bright little girl. She wondered if Emma regretted that it had been just the two of them for so long.
"You never said anything," Olivia said, still a little dismayed.
Emma shrugged and looked a little sheepish. "You need a daddy for that."
"Oh." How to argue with that logic. But... "Not necessarily, Em. There are ways for two women who want to have children. Or two men."
"Like you and Natalia?"
"Kind of. Not really. Our situation is a little different. We didn't exactly plan... You know Frank's the baby's father, just like you're your daddy's."
"Oh," If anything Emma just seemed more confused. "Are you and Natalia going to have more babies? After this one, I mean."
For a moment Olivia was stunned. She had never really thought about it since it had actually been a possibility, though she'd once told Doris that was something Frank could give Natalia that she couldn't. The thought of having more children with Natalia someday... she wondered if Natalia had considered it. The thought drew a smile to her lips. She wasn't sure that they ever would or that she even really wanted to but...she liked the thought of it, raising children and building a life with Natalia. For now she had to answer Emma.
"I don't know. We haven't really talked about it." She ruffled Emma's hair. "Would you like that?"
This time Emma nodded vigorously and it was all Olivia could do not to laugh.
"Okay, Jellybean, but let's try to get through this one first before we worry about more, okay?"
"Okay, Mommy," Emma agreed, sounding a little disappointed this time.
"That's my girl," Olivia said with an approving smile. " Now...do you want help me fix breakfast for Natalia?"
Emma's face lit up and Olivia couldn't help but meet Emma's smile with one of her own. She hoped with all that she was worth that this would work, that Natalia would forgive her. Now that she could see how happy Emma was and how good their life could be, the pain and the utter fear of it seemed a small price to pay for getting to have this life and sharing it with Natalia.
*** *** ***
Olivia nudged at the bedroom door with her foot. It refused to budge. In fact she was pretty sure that it had just closed a little tighter. Her hands were occupied with the tray of food that she was bringing to Natalia. Olivia grunted. She couldn't mess this up.
Twenty minutes ago she could have hollered downstairs for Emma's help. When Emma had begged and pleaded to go see her daddy, Olivia hadn't been able to resist. Not after the nightmare her little girl'd had. Olivia understood that desire, the need for reassurance that the person she loved was still there. So she had called Phillip and not long after Beth had picked up Emma.
Olivia swallowed hard. And besides, even if Emma had been there, calling down the stairs would have still woken Natalia. That wasn't how Olivia wanted to start this off. It took a few seconds of juggling but she finally managed to balance the tray and free up a hand long enough to get the door open and slip inside, shutting it quickly behind her. She hesitated just inside the door, needing a moment to collect herself. It was just a bonus that it gave her a chance to take Natalia in as she slept.
Finally Olivia crossed the room and carefully eased onto the bed beside Natalia. She didn't want to scare Natalia, waking her abruptly only to find someone looming over her. That and Olivia's hands were shaking as she gripped the tray. Olivia bit her lip and sat the tray down. Lifting one hand, she stopped just before she touched Natalia, jerking her fingers back and curling them into a fist. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe she needed to do something bigger. Olivia had put Natalia through so much. She grimaced and gave her head a quick shake. No, it was too late to back out. She needed to do this now.
Summoning her courage, Olivia raised her hand and touched Natalia's shoulder. Natalia didn't move. Olivia froze. She had no idea how long she stayed that way, just touching Natalia. Olivia could feel the warmth radiating from her skin through the thin t-shirt that Natalia was wearing. It made her want to nuzzle her face against Natalia's skin and breathe it in. Olivia sucked in a shaky breath at the thought and forced herself to move her hand. Gently she swept several locks of long dark hair back away from Natalia's face. She looked so peaceful lying there, younger and more innocent than Olivia knew she was.
How could she have run away from this? Olivia wondered. How could either of them? Maybe what she had done was worse. After all, she had known what she was losing when she had fled the farmhouse the day before. For all their promises and all their talking, their relationship had still been in the fledgling stages when Natalia had left, barely held together by the specter of what might be, rather than by what actually was. It wasn't, Olivia realized, that she hadn't wanted to be with Natalia. It was fear that had consumed her and made her flee. Just like Natalia.
Knowing that both of them could make mistakes did nothing to ease the lingering fear in Olivia's heart that Natalia still might leave, but it was a place to start. And she did want them to start over again. She wanted so many things with Natalia - only Natalia.
"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty," Olivia whispered, a teasing note in her voice to chase away the tightness in her suddenly-choked throat. She trailed the back of her fingers down Natalia's cheek, reveling in the softness. She let her hand fall away and bent to place a kiss on Natalia's jaw.
Natalia stirred, shifting so that she lay more on her back than her side, and opened her eyes. They widened when she saw Olivia sitting next to her. She reached out groggily for Olivia, her hand brushing Olivia's cheek.
"'Livia?" Natalia pushed herself up on her elbows and rubbed at her eyes. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to see you." Olivia remembered the tray sitting on her lap. "Emma and I made you breakfast in bed."
Natalia looked confused. Olivia thought the wrinkle in her brow was adorable.
"I don't understand."
"I know," Olivia said, instantly sobered by the hurt in Natalia's voice. "I'm sorry." She took Natalia's hand in both of hers and brought it to her lips. "Last night I told you that I still needed time - thank you for giving me that - but I realized that no matter how scared I am, how much it hurts, I still want to be with you. I need you more than I can ever tell you, and I'm so sorry that I hurt you."
She looked pleadingly at Natalia. “Can you understand? I didn’t know what to do, how to make it stop. Everything was perfect, and my heart still ached.”
“Olivia...” Natalia’s voice was soft and broken, aching as much as the pain in Olivia’s voice. She raised a hand to touch Olivia’s cheek, stroking down it with two fingers. “Love...”
“I’m sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. I just didn’t know what else to do. Do you believe me?”
“I...yes.” Natalia frowned, her brow furrowing. “I wish you could have told me, talked to me. I hated not knowing what was going on. Waking up alone...I felt like.” She bit her lip and looked down. “Just when I found out I was pregnant with Rafe and Gus...I couldn’t find him either.”
Tears sprang into Olivia’s eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“You said that already.” Natalia tried to smile.
“I meant it,” Olivia said soberly. She took a deep breath “I wanted - I want - to give you everything. I didn’t want to ruin things. I want us to be so happy.” Tears began to slip down Natalia's cheeks. Olivia bit her lips and clenched her jaw. Seeing Natalia cry made her feel like crying too. She gripped Natalia's hand a little bit tighter as if that could ward off anything bad - like Natalia telling her to leave.
Natalia sniffled, as if she was trying to suck the tears back in and then gave Olivia a steady, searching look. It was a discomfiting gaze to meet and the guilt of her actions made Olivia want to look away, but somehow she held Natalia's gaze. She could only hope that Natalia would find what she was looking for, see what good Olivia had to offer in with the bad. If anyone could, it would be Natalia. Olivia just hoped that she wasn't too late, that she hadn't already destroyed something precious.
"You're really here?" Natalia whispered, sounding hoarse and choked.
"I am," Olivia said. "I promise you, I'm not going anywhere from now on, not without you."
"Okay," Natalia said. She let Olivia pull her forward into an embrace, but she still felt stiff in Olivia's arms.
Olivia felt tears begin to sting in her own eyes and blinked furiously to try and stop them, pressing her face into Natalia's neck. Olivia held her close until she could slow her breathing, until she didn't feel so shaky inside. Slowly the fear - new and old - that she would lose Natalia began to ease its grip on her heart. Gradually Olivia became more aware of Natalia, the scent of her and the closeness that they shared. She couldn't resist turning her head just a little and placing a soft kiss on the base of Natalia's neck, a tender gesture not meant to arouse. Olivia felt Natalia tense at the unexpected contact and winced, thankful that Natalia couldn't see her face. Regretfully she drew back, hating that she had hurt Natalia enough to make her wary.
Olivia gave her a weak smile. "You should eat. Your breakfast will get cold."
For the first time Natalia really seemed to look at the tray. She stared for a moment, taking in the picture-perfect - and delicious looking - omelet, two bagels smeared with a generous serving of cream cheese, three strips of bacon and a bowl of neatly sliced fruit. A sprig of ivy lay above everything else across the top of the tray. Natalia recognized the distinctive leaves and reached out to touch it. She sent a questioning glance up at Olivia.
Olivia shrugged. "I got the Beacon florist out of bed for it. I wanted to get it right. It means fidelity."
Natalia swallowed hard and lost the internal struggle to maintain her composure, tears slipping down her cheeks once again. Hesitantly Olivia reached for her, laying a light hand on her shoulder, uncertain if Natalia wanted to be touched. Instead of pulling away as Olivia had feared, Natalia leaned into her touch. Reassured by that, Olivia pulled Natalia closer, tucking her into the circle of her arms.
"You're being so nice to me."
The way Natalia said it, Olivia felt a ridiculous urge to apologize.
"Please don't cry," Olivia said instead, also sounding a little watery. "I hate it when you cry."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah," Olivia said with a nod. "Drives me crazy. Makes me want to..." she made a helpless gesture. "To do anything in my power to make it better. Or stop whoever's hurting you," she added. "Even when it's me."
"Hey," Natalia said, leaning back enough that she could see Olivia. "Don't." She touched Olivia's lips with her finger in a brief, halting gesture. Natalia looked down, fiddling with the edge of the tray. "This is beautiful, Olivia - wonderful, even. But..." Natalia frowned, struggling to find the right words. "It doesn't make everything right - for either of us. We've both hurt each other."
"I know," Olivia said, her regret plain. "And I'm still scared, but the alternative is to leave, to quit all this now, and I can't do that. I can't give up."
"So what do we do?" Natalia asked. Olivia heard the echo of her earlier question in it. "Then tell me what I can do." Neither of them had known then, but now, finally, Olivia was starting to think she understood.
"I've been thinking about that," Olivia admitted. "I think all we can do is try and have faith in each other." She closed her eyes and reached out blindly for Natalia's hand. The moment she felt Natalia's firm grip she felt calmer; grounded. "I will try to believe that you're really here." She gripped Natalia's hand tighter, so tight that it was almost painful. "That you're not going anywhere."
Olivia opened her eyes. "And I need you to try to believe that I'll be here too. You don’t have try to atone for anything. I don’t want that. I know I hurt you too, but I won't run away again, Natalia." She grinned ruefully. "I tried that and it didn't work. I missed you too much. I couldn't stay away."
"I'm glad," Natalia said in a heartfelt whisper. "So glad. And I'll try to believe that too. I do have faith in you, but I know what I did was so...I don’t even have words for the way I hurt you. I'm back now though and the thought of losing you because of what I did... it terrifies me. That's why I try so hard to make everything okay."
"Yeah, I get that," Olivia said, her thoughts drifting to the past. "I've done that too, so many times. But sometimes the harder you hold onto things, the faster they slip through your fingers. I've ruined so many things because I've been determined to keep them. So trust me on this. I want to be here."
"Really?" Natalia asked, insecurity slipping into her voice.
Olivia cupped her cheek, holding her gaze. "Really."
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Natalia Rivera, Olivia Spencer, Doris Wolfe, Jamanda, Josh Lewis
Category: Romance, Drama, Angst
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 30,863 (Total)
Summary: Happily Ever After. Ain’t it grand?
Spoilers/Timeline Moving In Day 2.0
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: For a change, I have nothing to say that isn’t spoilery, so I’ll just shut up.
Beta: Many thanks to aimlessla, and the usual undying appreciation to Rysler for her assistance and nudging me in the right direction.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six
Part Seven
Olivia squinted against the light. It was just too damn bright. It had more to do with the pounding in her head and the sensitivity of her eyes than the actual amount of light; the sun was just barely starting to peek over the horizon. Oncoming headlights on the drive over had sent her digging through her purse for her sunglasses as quickly as she could. The fact that she was awake at all would have been astonishing to most of the people who knew her.
Olivia was not a morning person, but even knowing she'd be hung over, she had set her alarm to wake her up early. She wanted to be there when Natalia woke up. She had told Natalia once that when she did something, she did it big. This would be no exception. More than that, she needed it to be if she was going to show Natalia how she really felt. Olivia was aware that the past few days couldn't have been easy for Natalia, but she had never lashed out at Olivia, only pleaded for understanding. Coming back on her own terms meant that Olivia really was all in this time. There would be no holding back, even for the corners of her heart that were terrified. She wanted to make Natalia feel as special and loved as she had made Olivia feel. Hopefully she would get it right - hopefully Natalia would be willing to forgive her.
A nervous chuckle was the best Olivia could manage at that, a little dismissal to ward the thought off before it managed to latch on to her. She didn't really think that Natalia would run away on her again - not with a baby on the way. Breaking up with her was a different story though. It wasn't like being with her had exactly been a picnic for Natalia so far.
Swallowing her nerves, Olivia tested the door - the same one she had locked on the way out of the house the night before - and was not surprised to find it still locked. Fishing her keys out she unlocked it and let herself in. With the bags hanging off her wrists it was hard to get inside without making enough noise to wake up the whole house - and the ducks. Somehow Olivia managed, detouring into the kitchen to set her purchases down on the table before she headed upstairs.
Olivia took them one step at a time, carefully setting her feet just so to avoid making them creak or groan as she went up. This was supposed to be a surprise after all. Emma's room was her first stop. She pushed the door open carefully, wanting a glimpse of her little girl. She had no doubt that Emma was fine - or else Natalia would have called her - but she had missed Emma. She always did, anytime they were separated for more than a few hours.
To Olivia's surprise Emma wasn't in her bed. She felt a jolt of worry. Emma hadn't been downstairs watching cartoons, either. With her heart in her throat, Olivia started towards Natalia's room, hoping desperately that Emma was in there, even though she'd heard none of the tell-tale signs of the girl's presence - excited chatter and delighted giggles. Her worry for Emma was enough to bury any awkwardness that she might have otherwise had, going into Natalia's room uninvited. Olivia knew it was supposed to be their room now. They'd barely had a night to share it though and she still wasn't completely used to thinking of it as theirs rather than Natalia's.
Olivia caught sight of Natalia first, curled up on her side with the cover pulled up almost over her chin despite it being the middle of summer. Dark hair fell down over her shoulders. It took her a moment longer to locate Emma, pressed up against Natalia. She lay sprawled on the bed, arms and legs akimbo, with a small sheen of sweat dampening her face and matting her hair down. Emma had always been like a little heater. The sight of her two - no, three - favorite girls curled up in bed together sleeping soundly made Olivia smile.
Putting her plans aside for the moment, Olivia crossed to the other side of the bed and sat down on the edge nearest Emma. Without stopping to think about it, she slipped off her shoes and tucked her legs up close to her, rolling over until she was facing Emma and Natalia both. Olivia propped her head up on one hand and just watched them sleep. Part of her kept waiting for the fear to set in, the urge to run to take over again, but it never came. She could feel her heart racing but knew it was from nerves. She refused to let it stop her from doing what she had come here to do.
Emma shifted, her eyes flickering open. When she caught sight of Olivia, she blinked sleepily and pushed herself up on her elbows. "Mommy?"
"Hey, baby," Olivia whispered, reaching out to cup Emma's cheek. She wasn't prepared when Emma suddenly launched herself, throwing skinny arms around Olivia and squeezing as tightly as she could. "Oof," Olivia grunted from her new position on her back, bowled over by Emma's eagerness. She rubbed Emma's back soothingly. "What's wrong, Em?" she whispered, still trying to keep from waking Natalia.
"I had a nightmare," Emma said with more than a little indignation. "And then I came in here because I was scared and I couldn't sleep, but you weren't here." She squeezed Olivia a little tighter. "Natalia said I could stay with her," she said with a small pout.
Olivia stroked Emma's hair and raised her head to kiss Emma's brow. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you, Jellybean. It was awfully nice of Natalia to let you stay with her though. Did that make you feel better?"
Emma shrugged, looking down and not quite meeting Olivia's eyes.
"You want to tell me about it?"
Emma shrugged again, but this time it was accompanied by the slightest nod.
"Okay," Olivia said, keeping her voice pitched low. She glanced over at Natalia. Either she was still sleeping or she was doing a very good job of faking it. "Let's go downstairs and you can tell me all about it." She cupped the back of Emma's head. "I don't want you to ever have to be scared of anything."
Emma buried her face against Olivia's chest for a moment and Olivia let her, never slowing the motion of her hand as she rubbed gentle circles on Emma's back. If Emma needed a moment she was more than happy to give it to her. Finally Emma let go and pushed herself off Olivia, who just managed to stifle another grunt. Emma tugged at her hand and Olivia let herself be pulled up from the bed. She followed Emma out of the room with a lingering glance over her shoulder at Natalia.
Olivia allowed Emma to lead her downstairs, but pulled Emma back to her when they reached the couch. She sank into it and then patted the seat beside her. When Emma sat down, she pulled the blanket out from behind her and wrapped it around them. It smelled faintly of Natalia.
"So what happened in your dream, Jellybean?" Olivia asked, sinking back into the couch and drawing Emma into her, letting her hand run up and down Emma's arm. She wanted to close her eyes but Olivia was afraid she would fall asleep.
Emma turned into Olivia abruptly, clinging tightly to Olivia again. Her face was hidden from Olivia. "Daddy died."
Olivia froze. She should have been expecting it, but she had just been hoping for something a little easier, like something with monsters or from a horror movie Emma had caught a glimpse of at a friend's house. Not this. "I'm sorry you had a dream about that, but you know he's going to be okay now, right, Em?"
Emma nodded but she still didn't raise her head. Worry began to build inside Olivia. It wasn't like Emma to be this quiet.
"You were dead too," Emma whispered.
Olivia's heart wrenched. Emma had been through so much in her short life - being kidnapped, thinking her father was dead, told she would lose her mother and then her father. It was a wonder that she coped as well as she did - just another thing that made her the brilliant little girl that Olivia loved with her whole heart. It tore Olivia up inside to see Emma hurting like that.
Olivia pulled Emma even closer to her, ignoring the twinge in her chest. "Look at me, Emma."
It took some gentle coaxing, but finally Olivia got Emma to raise her head. Her eyes were watery and her cheeks suspiciously damp.
"I'm not going anywhere," Olivia said firmly, meeting her gaze and not looking away. "Not for a very long time. And neither is your daddy. I promise you." Part of her winced and waited for lightning to strike. She was making promises left and right these days, ones that she might not be able to keep. Life had proven to Olivia that it was hard and unfair and horrible. But she didn't want Emma to live her life dreading what might happen - not when she could have Natalia's hope and optimism.
Emma started to protest and Olivia gently put a finger over her lips.
"But, in a long time, when you're much, much older, if anything does happen to me - or your Daddy - you know that Natalia will always be here for you, right? Natalia and your little sister. Rafe. Ava. Bill and Lizzie. They'll always be there for you, Jellybean, and Natalia loves you so much." Olivia swallowed. "She loves you just as much as I do."
Emma made a small whimpering sound and dove back into Olivia's arms, clinging to her. Olivia could hear that Emma was crying. Knowing she was overwhelmed, Olivia held her like she hadn't held Emma in a long time and made soothing nonsensical noises, just to keep from going silent more than anything.
Finally the sobbing turned to occasional sniffs and then Emma lifted her head. Olivia stroked her hair.
"Think you're going to be okay now?"
Emma nodded.
"Good," Olivia gave her a quick hug. "I love you so much and I hate it when you're sad."
"Me too, Mommy... when you are," Emma elaborated.
Olivia held back a sigh. "I know, Em," she chose her words carefully. "I'm sorry if I scared you while Natalia was gone, but things are better now. I'm better now and you don't have to worry any more."
"Okay," Emma said in a quiet voice.
Olivia wasn't quite sure if she could believe Emma's easy acceptance, but she hoped she could. She wanted better things for Emma; she wanted her to be happy. Olivia stroked Emma's hair again. "You know we haven't really talked since we told you we were moving back in. What do you think about having a little sister?" Emma was a warm, open-hearted little girl, but she had, for the most part, been an only child. Sure, there was Lizzie and James and Ava - and even Zack - but they were older and not an every day part of her life. There was no competition for Olivia's love.
To Olivia's surprise, Emma smiled and looked a little bit shy.
"I think it's great, Mommy," Emma ducked her head. "I've always wanted a little brother or sister, but a sister's best."
Olivia was a little stunned - and a little sad. She’d never known that Emma had even thought about it, but of course she would have. Emma was a very bright little girl. She wondered if Emma regretted that it had been just the two of them for so long.
"You never said anything," Olivia said, still a little dismayed.
Emma shrugged and looked a little sheepish. "You need a daddy for that."
"Oh." How to argue with that logic. But... "Not necessarily, Em. There are ways for two women who want to have children. Or two men."
"Like you and Natalia?"
"Kind of. Not really. Our situation is a little different. We didn't exactly plan... You know Frank's the baby's father, just like you're your daddy's."
"Oh," If anything Emma just seemed more confused. "Are you and Natalia going to have more babies? After this one, I mean."
For a moment Olivia was stunned. She had never really thought about it since it had actually been a possibility, though she'd once told Doris that was something Frank could give Natalia that she couldn't. The thought of having more children with Natalia someday... she wondered if Natalia had considered it. The thought drew a smile to her lips. She wasn't sure that they ever would or that she even really wanted to but...she liked the thought of it, raising children and building a life with Natalia. For now she had to answer Emma.
"I don't know. We haven't really talked about it." She ruffled Emma's hair. "Would you like that?"
This time Emma nodded vigorously and it was all Olivia could do not to laugh.
"Okay, Jellybean, but let's try to get through this one first before we worry about more, okay?"
"Okay, Mommy," Emma agreed, sounding a little disappointed this time.
"That's my girl," Olivia said with an approving smile. " Now...do you want help me fix breakfast for Natalia?"
Emma's face lit up and Olivia couldn't help but meet Emma's smile with one of her own. She hoped with all that she was worth that this would work, that Natalia would forgive her. Now that she could see how happy Emma was and how good their life could be, the pain and the utter fear of it seemed a small price to pay for getting to have this life and sharing it with Natalia.
*** *** ***
Olivia nudged at the bedroom door with her foot. It refused to budge. In fact she was pretty sure that it had just closed a little tighter. Her hands were occupied with the tray of food that she was bringing to Natalia. Olivia grunted. She couldn't mess this up.
Twenty minutes ago she could have hollered downstairs for Emma's help. When Emma had begged and pleaded to go see her daddy, Olivia hadn't been able to resist. Not after the nightmare her little girl'd had. Olivia understood that desire, the need for reassurance that the person she loved was still there. So she had called Phillip and not long after Beth had picked up Emma.
Olivia swallowed hard. And besides, even if Emma had been there, calling down the stairs would have still woken Natalia. That wasn't how Olivia wanted to start this off. It took a few seconds of juggling but she finally managed to balance the tray and free up a hand long enough to get the door open and slip inside, shutting it quickly behind her. She hesitated just inside the door, needing a moment to collect herself. It was just a bonus that it gave her a chance to take Natalia in as she slept.
Finally Olivia crossed the room and carefully eased onto the bed beside Natalia. She didn't want to scare Natalia, waking her abruptly only to find someone looming over her. That and Olivia's hands were shaking as she gripped the tray. Olivia bit her lip and sat the tray down. Lifting one hand, she stopped just before she touched Natalia, jerking her fingers back and curling them into a fist. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe she needed to do something bigger. Olivia had put Natalia through so much. She grimaced and gave her head a quick shake. No, it was too late to back out. She needed to do this now.
Summoning her courage, Olivia raised her hand and touched Natalia's shoulder. Natalia didn't move. Olivia froze. She had no idea how long she stayed that way, just touching Natalia. Olivia could feel the warmth radiating from her skin through the thin t-shirt that Natalia was wearing. It made her want to nuzzle her face against Natalia's skin and breathe it in. Olivia sucked in a shaky breath at the thought and forced herself to move her hand. Gently she swept several locks of long dark hair back away from Natalia's face. She looked so peaceful lying there, younger and more innocent than Olivia knew she was.
How could she have run away from this? Olivia wondered. How could either of them? Maybe what she had done was worse. After all, she had known what she was losing when she had fled the farmhouse the day before. For all their promises and all their talking, their relationship had still been in the fledgling stages when Natalia had left, barely held together by the specter of what might be, rather than by what actually was. It wasn't, Olivia realized, that she hadn't wanted to be with Natalia. It was fear that had consumed her and made her flee. Just like Natalia.
Knowing that both of them could make mistakes did nothing to ease the lingering fear in Olivia's heart that Natalia still might leave, but it was a place to start. And she did want them to start over again. She wanted so many things with Natalia - only Natalia.
"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty," Olivia whispered, a teasing note in her voice to chase away the tightness in her suddenly-choked throat. She trailed the back of her fingers down Natalia's cheek, reveling in the softness. She let her hand fall away and bent to place a kiss on Natalia's jaw.
Natalia stirred, shifting so that she lay more on her back than her side, and opened her eyes. They widened when she saw Olivia sitting next to her. She reached out groggily for Olivia, her hand brushing Olivia's cheek.
"'Livia?" Natalia pushed herself up on her elbows and rubbed at her eyes. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to see you." Olivia remembered the tray sitting on her lap. "Emma and I made you breakfast in bed."
Natalia looked confused. Olivia thought the wrinkle in her brow was adorable.
"I don't understand."
"I know," Olivia said, instantly sobered by the hurt in Natalia's voice. "I'm sorry." She took Natalia's hand in both of hers and brought it to her lips. "Last night I told you that I still needed time - thank you for giving me that - but I realized that no matter how scared I am, how much it hurts, I still want to be with you. I need you more than I can ever tell you, and I'm so sorry that I hurt you."
She looked pleadingly at Natalia. “Can you understand? I didn’t know what to do, how to make it stop. Everything was perfect, and my heart still ached.”
“Olivia...” Natalia’s voice was soft and broken, aching as much as the pain in Olivia’s voice. She raised a hand to touch Olivia’s cheek, stroking down it with two fingers. “Love...”
“I’m sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. I just didn’t know what else to do. Do you believe me?”
“I...yes.” Natalia frowned, her brow furrowing. “I wish you could have told me, talked to me. I hated not knowing what was going on. Waking up alone...I felt like.” She bit her lip and looked down. “Just when I found out I was pregnant with Rafe and Gus...I couldn’t find him either.”
Tears sprang into Olivia’s eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“You said that already.” Natalia tried to smile.
“I meant it,” Olivia said soberly. She took a deep breath “I wanted - I want - to give you everything. I didn’t want to ruin things. I want us to be so happy.” Tears began to slip down Natalia's cheeks. Olivia bit her lips and clenched her jaw. Seeing Natalia cry made her feel like crying too. She gripped Natalia's hand a little bit tighter as if that could ward off anything bad - like Natalia telling her to leave.
Natalia sniffled, as if she was trying to suck the tears back in and then gave Olivia a steady, searching look. It was a discomfiting gaze to meet and the guilt of her actions made Olivia want to look away, but somehow she held Natalia's gaze. She could only hope that Natalia would find what she was looking for, see what good Olivia had to offer in with the bad. If anyone could, it would be Natalia. Olivia just hoped that she wasn't too late, that she hadn't already destroyed something precious.
"You're really here?" Natalia whispered, sounding hoarse and choked.
"I am," Olivia said. "I promise you, I'm not going anywhere from now on, not without you."
"Okay," Natalia said. She let Olivia pull her forward into an embrace, but she still felt stiff in Olivia's arms.
Olivia felt tears begin to sting in her own eyes and blinked furiously to try and stop them, pressing her face into Natalia's neck. Olivia held her close until she could slow her breathing, until she didn't feel so shaky inside. Slowly the fear - new and old - that she would lose Natalia began to ease its grip on her heart. Gradually Olivia became more aware of Natalia, the scent of her and the closeness that they shared. She couldn't resist turning her head just a little and placing a soft kiss on the base of Natalia's neck, a tender gesture not meant to arouse. Olivia felt Natalia tense at the unexpected contact and winced, thankful that Natalia couldn't see her face. Regretfully she drew back, hating that she had hurt Natalia enough to make her wary.
Olivia gave her a weak smile. "You should eat. Your breakfast will get cold."
For the first time Natalia really seemed to look at the tray. She stared for a moment, taking in the picture-perfect - and delicious looking - omelet, two bagels smeared with a generous serving of cream cheese, three strips of bacon and a bowl of neatly sliced fruit. A sprig of ivy lay above everything else across the top of the tray. Natalia recognized the distinctive leaves and reached out to touch it. She sent a questioning glance up at Olivia.
Olivia shrugged. "I got the Beacon florist out of bed for it. I wanted to get it right. It means fidelity."
Natalia swallowed hard and lost the internal struggle to maintain her composure, tears slipping down her cheeks once again. Hesitantly Olivia reached for her, laying a light hand on her shoulder, uncertain if Natalia wanted to be touched. Instead of pulling away as Olivia had feared, Natalia leaned into her touch. Reassured by that, Olivia pulled Natalia closer, tucking her into the circle of her arms.
"You're being so nice to me."
The way Natalia said it, Olivia felt a ridiculous urge to apologize.
"Please don't cry," Olivia said instead, also sounding a little watery. "I hate it when you cry."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah," Olivia said with a nod. "Drives me crazy. Makes me want to..." she made a helpless gesture. "To do anything in my power to make it better. Or stop whoever's hurting you," she added. "Even when it's me."
"Hey," Natalia said, leaning back enough that she could see Olivia. "Don't." She touched Olivia's lips with her finger in a brief, halting gesture. Natalia looked down, fiddling with the edge of the tray. "This is beautiful, Olivia - wonderful, even. But..." Natalia frowned, struggling to find the right words. "It doesn't make everything right - for either of us. We've both hurt each other."
"I know," Olivia said, her regret plain. "And I'm still scared, but the alternative is to leave, to quit all this now, and I can't do that. I can't give up."
"So what do we do?" Natalia asked. Olivia heard the echo of her earlier question in it. "Then tell me what I can do." Neither of them had known then, but now, finally, Olivia was starting to think she understood.
"I've been thinking about that," Olivia admitted. "I think all we can do is try and have faith in each other." She closed her eyes and reached out blindly for Natalia's hand. The moment she felt Natalia's firm grip she felt calmer; grounded. "I will try to believe that you're really here." She gripped Natalia's hand tighter, so tight that it was almost painful. "That you're not going anywhere."
Olivia opened her eyes. "And I need you to try to believe that I'll be here too. You don’t have try to atone for anything. I don’t want that. I know I hurt you too, but I won't run away again, Natalia." She grinned ruefully. "I tried that and it didn't work. I missed you too much. I couldn't stay away."
"I'm glad," Natalia said in a heartfelt whisper. "So glad. And I'll try to believe that too. I do have faith in you, but I know what I did was so...I don’t even have words for the way I hurt you. I'm back now though and the thought of losing you because of what I did... it terrifies me. That's why I try so hard to make everything okay."
"Yeah, I get that," Olivia said, her thoughts drifting to the past. "I've done that too, so many times. But sometimes the harder you hold onto things, the faster they slip through your fingers. I've ruined so many things because I've been determined to keep them. So trust me on this. I want to be here."
"Really?" Natalia asked, insecurity slipping into her voice.
Olivia cupped her cheek, holding her gaze. "Really."