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Title: The Accident
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Francesca Rivera, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Phillip Spaulding, my dead body
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 33, 714 (total)
Summary: The devastation and moral decay of one Natalia Rivera.
Spoilers/Timeline Generally through September '09, though nothing terribly specific I think.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: I got this idea from a throwaway line in one of Rysler's fics that would make sense to no one who wasn't inside my brain. And even by my standards it was a pretty crazy idea. But then I thought it over and with a little bit of nudging. That's crazy became why not? After all what is fandom - and fan fiction - for if not asking, if x changed then what would happen?
Beta: What can I say? aimlessla was freaking awesome for beta’ing this for me, even as much as the whole damn thing traumatized her. I appreciate her invaluable advice, grammar assistance, not throwing her hands up at the pitiable state of my commas and poking her finger at as many of my plot holes as she could find. This one was really above and beyond.
With thanks to Kelinswriter also for offering some general thoughts on the whole thing! Much appreciated, dude!
Warning: This fic has sexual content. Unrelated to that, but additionally it is very dark in nature. Very dark. Do not that this lightly. If you hated “Even If It Killed Her” to the point you stopped reading, you’ll like this one even less. No, seriously.
Prologue || Part One || Part Two
Part Three
Two months later
The small auditorium was full, the sheer amount of people milling in the small space raising the noise level to a dull roar. The stuffy air made it hard for Natalia to breathe.
"My little girl looks all grown up," Phillip said, disbelief plain in his voice.
Too fast in Emma's case, Natalia thought. But Emma had certainly shined today. She hadn't gotten the lead in the school play. She had gotten a smaller, but important part. And she had pulled it off with that special Emma Spencer flare. Best of all had been the smile that broke across her face at the end as the group of costumed children had taken their final bow. It had been free and unfettered, reaching up to make her eyes sparkle. It had been like the old Emma shining through, the one who hadn't lost her mother far too young.
"She looked wonderful," Natalia said, wiping at the corner of her eye. She had tried not to think about the fact that it should have been Olivia beside her and not Phillip, or about how proud Olivia would have been. But even focusing on Emma couldn't block everything out. She would think of how grown up Emma had looked today and then the thought that Olivia would never get to see her like that would cross her mind, bringing a fresh ache to her heart. It was never really absent, but there were moments when she could almost breathe again. This wasn't one of them.
Parents were standing now, milling in small groups here and there, discussing their child's performance and bragging about the video they had recorded or the pictures they had taken. It might as well have been the Oscars, not a fifth grade play.
Natalia watched a woman who looked like a teacher moving through the crowd, speaking to parents as she passed, consoling the mother of the little girl who had forgotten all her lines and turned bright red, and commiserating with the father of the little boy who'd just stuck his tongue out and refused to speak at all. Though Natalia thought she might have seen the woman around school before she didn't know her name. What she'd heard from Emma about her usual teacher, Natalia liked. She hadn't much concerned herself with it beyond that. If Emma was all right, then she was all right. That's what she told herself. She would be more involved next year. Maybe then it would be easier. Natalia found it hard to imagine.
It was odd that Emma's usual teacher wasn't here though.
"Hi," the teacher said, greeting them warmly as she reached them. "I'm Ms. Lasner. You must be...Emma's parents, right?" At Natalia's nod she continued. "She was so good tonight."
"Uh, yes, we are," Natalia agreed. "I thought Ms. Endig was Emma's teacher this year?" Surely she hadn't been so preoccupied that she'd missed a change in Emma's teacher.
"Oh, I'm sorry. She is. She came down with something today and the principal asked me to take over for her. We take turns putting on the play, every other year. It was her turn this year, but I'm always happy to pitch in."
"It went very smoothly," Phillip assured her. "The kids looked like they were having fun."
"Some of them too much, maybe," Ms. Lasner said with a fond smile. "But Emma was a little star." She smiled over at Natalia. "You and your husband must be so proud of her."
Everything in Natalia froze - her muscles tensed, her breath caught and she could have sworn her heart skipped a beat. Phillip shot her a worried look, but she couldn't speak. She didn't have the words and nothing would come out.
"Ah, we're not married," he said with a calm smile. "Just Emma's parents."
"Oh, I'm sorry. You two just looked so comfortable together, that I just assumed..." Ms. Lasner, trailed off, and gave her head a firm shake. "I shouldn't have presumed and I hope you can accept my apology."
Natalia hardly heard her. All she could think of was another teacher and a very similar assumption. "Excuse me," she murmured, not waiting for them to respond before she turned and fled, pushing her way through the crowd of people toward the exit. She got all the way out to the car before she remembered that Phillip had brought them. She sagged against the door, doubling over until she could catch her breath, not caring who saw her or what they might have to say about it.
Natalia couldn't hold in a laugh at the irony of it all. She and Olivia had fought that day because she had cared too much about people's assumptions about them and now here she was today, no longer caring what people thought, and Olivia wasn't there to appreciate it.
It wasn't fair.
Natalia gasped, a sob rising up in her throat to choke her. She tried to take another breath, but no air would come. All she could do was let out great, gasping sobs, desperately trying to pull in air. She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. Natalia didn't need to look up to know that it was Phillip. No one else would have come near her in this state. Desperately she clutched at his arm like a drowning woman clutching at a life preserver.
He pulled her up and wrapped her in his arms. Her nails bit painfully into his back even through his coat. Phillip didn't flinch or even offer words of comfort; he just held her until the sobs became tears. Natalia took a shuddering breath and tried to pull herself together, but tears continued to slip down her cheeks even as she sniffed them back.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled, plucking at his shirt.
"You don't have to apologize to me," Phillip said matter-of-factly. "I've been there. Beth was presumed dead once."
She blinked up at him, confusion registering even through her grief.
He gave a little shrug. "It's a long story. Doesn't really matter now, but you don't ever have to apologize to me for missing her, because I know exactly how it feels."
Her fingers tightened, digging into a handful of his shirt, crumpling it inside her fist. "I miss her so much; I can't stand it. I feel so alone all the time. Emma gets a good grade or Francesca learns a new word and I turn to tell her about it and she's not there. I spent so many years alone, raising Rafe, waiting for Gus to come back. I don't want to be alone anymore. She made me want that, but the only person I want to be with is her. She made everything...amazing. She introduced me to a life that I never imagined and she could make anything better - just by being there. With me.
I can't stop thinking about what she would think or say about something. I see her everywhere. I can't make her feel dead. She won't go away and I can't stand it anymore. She's everywhere."
He held her shoulders, waiting until she had spent herself and all her words had spilled out.
"Just breathe."
But she couldn't. Even after all of that, she couldn't breath, couldn't think. Couldn't stop missing Olivia. It was an all-consuming ache that never seemed to go away. It felt endless and inescapable.
She kissed him out of desperation, clutching his face in her hands and pressing her lips against his, trying to feel something, anything, other than the anguish of Olivia's loss. It lasted for an infinite moment, until she slowly let go, her hands sliding down to his chest, and fell back onto her heels.
Their gazes locked and held.
"Daddy! Natalia! Did you see? Did you see?" Emma's voice rang out across the parking lot and jerked them both out of the moment that had held them together. Natalia yanked her hands away from Phillip's chest and almost stumbled away from him, her eyes wild.
By the time Emma reached them, the only indication of what had happened in the parking lot was the puffy redness of Natalia's eyes.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Francesca Rivera, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Phillip Spaulding, my dead body
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 33, 714 (total)
Summary: The devastation and moral decay of one Natalia Rivera.
Spoilers/Timeline Generally through September '09, though nothing terribly specific I think.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: I got this idea from a throwaway line in one of Rysler's fics that would make sense to no one who wasn't inside my brain. And even by my standards it was a pretty crazy idea. But then I thought it over and with a little bit of nudging. That's crazy became why not? After all what is fandom - and fan fiction - for if not asking, if x changed then what would happen?
Beta: What can I say? aimlessla was freaking awesome for beta’ing this for me, even as much as the whole damn thing traumatized her. I appreciate her invaluable advice, grammar assistance, not throwing her hands up at the pitiable state of my commas and poking her finger at as many of my plot holes as she could find. This one was really above and beyond.
With thanks to Kelinswriter also for offering some general thoughts on the whole thing! Much appreciated, dude!
Warning: This fic has sexual content. Unrelated to that, but additionally it is very dark in nature. Very dark. Do not that this lightly. If you hated “Even If It Killed Her” to the point you stopped reading, you’ll like this one even less. No, seriously.
Prologue || Part One || Part Two
Part Three
Two months later
The small auditorium was full, the sheer amount of people milling in the small space raising the noise level to a dull roar. The stuffy air made it hard for Natalia to breathe.
"My little girl looks all grown up," Phillip said, disbelief plain in his voice.
Too fast in Emma's case, Natalia thought. But Emma had certainly shined today. She hadn't gotten the lead in the school play. She had gotten a smaller, but important part. And she had pulled it off with that special Emma Spencer flare. Best of all had been the smile that broke across her face at the end as the group of costumed children had taken their final bow. It had been free and unfettered, reaching up to make her eyes sparkle. It had been like the old Emma shining through, the one who hadn't lost her mother far too young.
"She looked wonderful," Natalia said, wiping at the corner of her eye. She had tried not to think about the fact that it should have been Olivia beside her and not Phillip, or about how proud Olivia would have been. But even focusing on Emma couldn't block everything out. She would think of how grown up Emma had looked today and then the thought that Olivia would never get to see her like that would cross her mind, bringing a fresh ache to her heart. It was never really absent, but there were moments when she could almost breathe again. This wasn't one of them.
Parents were standing now, milling in small groups here and there, discussing their child's performance and bragging about the video they had recorded or the pictures they had taken. It might as well have been the Oscars, not a fifth grade play.
Natalia watched a woman who looked like a teacher moving through the crowd, speaking to parents as she passed, consoling the mother of the little girl who had forgotten all her lines and turned bright red, and commiserating with the father of the little boy who'd just stuck his tongue out and refused to speak at all. Though Natalia thought she might have seen the woman around school before she didn't know her name. What she'd heard from Emma about her usual teacher, Natalia liked. She hadn't much concerned herself with it beyond that. If Emma was all right, then she was all right. That's what she told herself. She would be more involved next year. Maybe then it would be easier. Natalia found it hard to imagine.
It was odd that Emma's usual teacher wasn't here though.
"Hi," the teacher said, greeting them warmly as she reached them. "I'm Ms. Lasner. You must be...Emma's parents, right?" At Natalia's nod she continued. "She was so good tonight."
"Uh, yes, we are," Natalia agreed. "I thought Ms. Endig was Emma's teacher this year?" Surely she hadn't been so preoccupied that she'd missed a change in Emma's teacher.
"Oh, I'm sorry. She is. She came down with something today and the principal asked me to take over for her. We take turns putting on the play, every other year. It was her turn this year, but I'm always happy to pitch in."
"It went very smoothly," Phillip assured her. "The kids looked like they were having fun."
"Some of them too much, maybe," Ms. Lasner said with a fond smile. "But Emma was a little star." She smiled over at Natalia. "You and your husband must be so proud of her."
Everything in Natalia froze - her muscles tensed, her breath caught and she could have sworn her heart skipped a beat. Phillip shot her a worried look, but she couldn't speak. She didn't have the words and nothing would come out.
"Ah, we're not married," he said with a calm smile. "Just Emma's parents."
"Oh, I'm sorry. You two just looked so comfortable together, that I just assumed..." Ms. Lasner, trailed off, and gave her head a firm shake. "I shouldn't have presumed and I hope you can accept my apology."
Natalia hardly heard her. All she could think of was another teacher and a very similar assumption. "Excuse me," she murmured, not waiting for them to respond before she turned and fled, pushing her way through the crowd of people toward the exit. She got all the way out to the car before she remembered that Phillip had brought them. She sagged against the door, doubling over until she could catch her breath, not caring who saw her or what they might have to say about it.
Natalia couldn't hold in a laugh at the irony of it all. She and Olivia had fought that day because she had cared too much about people's assumptions about them and now here she was today, no longer caring what people thought, and Olivia wasn't there to appreciate it.
It wasn't fair.
Natalia gasped, a sob rising up in her throat to choke her. She tried to take another breath, but no air would come. All she could do was let out great, gasping sobs, desperately trying to pull in air. She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. Natalia didn't need to look up to know that it was Phillip. No one else would have come near her in this state. Desperately she clutched at his arm like a drowning woman clutching at a life preserver.
He pulled her up and wrapped her in his arms. Her nails bit painfully into his back even through his coat. Phillip didn't flinch or even offer words of comfort; he just held her until the sobs became tears. Natalia took a shuddering breath and tried to pull herself together, but tears continued to slip down her cheeks even as she sniffed them back.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled, plucking at his shirt.
"You don't have to apologize to me," Phillip said matter-of-factly. "I've been there. Beth was presumed dead once."
She blinked up at him, confusion registering even through her grief.
He gave a little shrug. "It's a long story. Doesn't really matter now, but you don't ever have to apologize to me for missing her, because I know exactly how it feels."
Her fingers tightened, digging into a handful of his shirt, crumpling it inside her fist. "I miss her so much; I can't stand it. I feel so alone all the time. Emma gets a good grade or Francesca learns a new word and I turn to tell her about it and she's not there. I spent so many years alone, raising Rafe, waiting for Gus to come back. I don't want to be alone anymore. She made me want that, but the only person I want to be with is her. She made everything...amazing. She introduced me to a life that I never imagined and she could make anything better - just by being there. With me.
I can't stop thinking about what she would think or say about something. I see her everywhere. I can't make her feel dead. She won't go away and I can't stand it anymore. She's everywhere."
He held her shoulders, waiting until she had spent herself and all her words had spilled out.
"Just breathe."
But she couldn't. Even after all of that, she couldn't breath, couldn't think. Couldn't stop missing Olivia. It was an all-consuming ache that never seemed to go away. It felt endless and inescapable.
She kissed him out of desperation, clutching his face in her hands and pressing her lips against his, trying to feel something, anything, other than the anguish of Olivia's loss. It lasted for an infinite moment, until she slowly let go, her hands sliding down to his chest, and fell back onto her heels.
Their gazes locked and held.
"Daddy! Natalia! Did you see? Did you see?" Emma's voice rang out across the parking lot and jerked them both out of the moment that had held them together. Natalia yanked her hands away from Phillip's chest and almost stumbled away from him, her eyes wild.
By the time Emma reached them, the only indication of what had happened in the parking lot was the puffy redness of Natalia's eyes.
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