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Title: The Accident
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Francesca Rivera, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Phillip Spaulding, my dead body
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 33, 714 (total)
Summary: The devastation and moral decay of one Natalia Rivera.
Spoilers/Timeline Generally through September '09, though nothing terribly specific I think.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: I got this idea from a throwaway line in one of Rysler's fics that would make sense to no one who wasn't inside my brain. And even by my standards it was a pretty crazy idea. But then I thought it over and with a little bit of nudging. That's crazy became why not? After all what is fandom - and fan fiction - for if not asking, if x changed then what would happen?
Beta: What can I say? aimlessla was freaking awesome for beta’ing this for me, even as much as the whole damn thing traumatized her. I appreciate her invaluable advice, grammar assistance, not throwing her hands up at the pitiable state of my commas and poking her finger at as many of my plot holes as she could find. This one was really above and beyond.
With thanks to Kelinswriter also for offering some general thoughts on the whole thing! Much appreciated, dude!
Warning: This fic has sexual content. Unrelated to that, but additionally it is very dark in nature. Very dark. Do not that this lightly. If you hated “Even If It Killed Her” to the point you stopped reading, you’ll like this one even less. No, seriously.
Prologue || Part One
Part Two
Frank held his daughter, who was for the moment blissfully silent, gumming on a few Cheerios. In the past Natalia would have warned him of the danger of sticky hands covered in slobbery Cheerio mash. Today she was content to let him discover it for himself. She was surprised he hadn't already. Francesca had been spending more time with Frank over the last week. Phillip's theory about Francesca not expecting Olivia to be there when she was with her father seemed to be holding true. Natalia hated spending less time with her baby, but if Francesca was happier then it was a trade off that she could handle.
She wished there was somewhere she could go that would make the ache of missing Olivia go away.
"I could, uh, come over and mow the lawn sometime. If you need me to." Frank shuffled awkwardly, fussing with Francesca's jacket in an attempt to make it seem like a casual offer.
"Ah, thank you, Frank. I appreciate the offer, but we have a service that comes over." Natalia winced. We. She couldn't stop saying it. It had a habit of slipping out subconsciously, without warning.
"Oh, right, of course you do."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Natalia demanded, already knowing of course. How many times had Frank let his petty bitterness toward Olivia slip out while they were together? And Natalia had let him do it, as long as he kept those little jabs discreet and ignorable enough that she could pretend she hadn't heard them. Olivia had. She had felt them slide in with unerring accuracy and Natalia had done nothing, because she was more worried about Frank and his crushed pride. She had placated herself with the knowledge that Olivia knew she didn't believe the things Frank was saying and that her love would make up for it.
"Nothing," Frank said, surprised and a little defensive. "Just that it makes sense that Olivia would have wanted a service to do it."
"How do you know it wasn't my idea?"
"Uh, I didn't. I just assumed. Natalia, if something I said upset you, I didn't mean to." He frowned. "I'm just trying to be here for you. I know you're going through a hard time right now and I want to do anything I can to help. I just thought it might be something I could do for you."
"I got the service because she wanted to do it herself, with that horrible push mower out in the barn. I thought she'd give herself a heart attack if she tried. Ironic, isn't it?"
"Natalia..."
"Don't, Frank," she said, cutting him off before he could finish whatever he was going to say. "I appreciate you taking Francesca more this past week, but I don't want your pity."
"It's not pity." The tears swimming in his eyes belied his words. "She was my friend, too. And I care about you, Natalia. You're the mother of my child. I just want you to be okay."
The urge to lash out, to yell at him to get out of her house - to shut up - was almost overwhelming. Her nails were already beginning to dig familiar grooves into her palms. Frank looked like he was about to touch her, put a hand on her shoulder. Natalia wasn't sure she could be held responsible for her actions if he did.
The screen door squeaked as it opened, drawing their attention and providing a welcome distraction.
"Emma?" Natalia called, puzzled at who else might be coming in unannounced. Rafe had been granted a short period of leave from the army to come home when it had first happened, but he had been gone for several months now.
"Not quite," Phillip said as he walked into the living room. "I hope I'm not intruding. Emma called me and said she'd forgotten her backpack. She asked if I could bring it to her."
Which was odd, because Natalia distinctly remembered Emma hefting her backpack as she ran for the bus that morning. But this was Phillip, and he rarely did anything without a purpose. Natalia knew that about him.
"Oh. I should go...look for that." She turned her attention back to her youngest, stroking down her riotous curls and giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Frank," she smiled as much as she could. "I guess I'll see you later."
"Oh, right. I guess I should go then. Miss Emma needs that backpack."
He bent and kissed her on the cheek before she could turn away and then headed out the door, talking animatedly to Francesca as they went.
Phillip didn't say anything as Natalia crossed the room to watch Frank strap Francesca into her car seat. She didn't look away until they were pulling out of the driveway.
"Emma had her backpack this morning."
He nodded. "I know." He shrugged. "Well, I mean, not exactly, but she didn't call me. I just happened to be passing by and when I saw Frank's car I thought I'd stop and see if everything was okay."
"And you didn't think it was?" Natalia wasn't sure if she should feel insulted by that or just relieved at the interruption.
"You had this look on your face when I walked in." Phillip smiled, his eyes almost dancing with mirth. "I've seen it before - on Olivia's face. It was her 'I really want to dismember you - slowly' expression. I thought Frank might need rescuing. That's all."
"Frank? Not me?"
"No," he shook his head. "You're an incredibly strong woman, Natalia. You had the strength to come and confront me about Emma, even knowing that Olivia would be very angry if she found out what you'd done. It takes someone with amazing will and stubbornness to do something like that. I wouldn't presume to jump to your defense - or coddle you. You're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself."
And the only person she had ever wanted to take care of her couldn't anymore. It wasn't fair.
"He never really got over you, you know." Phillip's dry observation was his second welcome interruption.
"Now that sounds like something Olivia would say."
"She would know."
Natalia's head snapped up; Phillip held up his hand in a gesture of surrender.
"I didn't mean it like that; just that she would know what it looked like not to be able to get over you. She saw that expression in the mirror often enough."
"So you think, what...that Frank wants to be with me?"
Phillip shrugged. "Maybe he just wants to be there for you as a friend."
"But you don't think so?"
Phillip hesitated and then shook his head. "No, I don't. And I don't think you do either. But the good thing is, how you feel about that is completely up to you."
Natalia shot him a horrified look. "I don't love Frank."
"Okay," Phillip said, accepting her statement at face value. "I know it's only been a few months, Natalia, and I would never try to push you to do anything, but just because she's dead, doesn't mean you should stop living." His lips quirked upward into a smile that was more bitter than sweet. "She wouldn't want that."
"I can't," Natalia stammered. "It's too soon. I'm not even thinking about that. I just-"
"It's okay. You don't have to explain anything to me."
Natalia took a deep shuddering breath. She was having a hard enough time just struggling to get through each day. She couldn't even begin to think about imagining a future with someone else.
"I hope I didn't upset you."
"No," Natalia said quickly. "I know you mean well, Phillip."
"Then you'll accept my invitation to dinner at Towers this evening."
Natalia looked startled.
"As a friend. I was planning to dine alone, but I think you could use an evening out. Jane can watch Emma for one meal, and as Emma's parents I think we could use a meal to discuss things."
"Oh?" A tight fist of fear clenched in Natalia's chest.
"Yes, I've heard from Lizzie that there might be a boy - that Emma likes."
Natalia snorted, almost relieved at the horror she heard in Phillip's voice. Then she clapped her hand over her mouth in disbelief. She couldn't remember the last time she had laughed.
"It's okay to laugh, Natalia," Phillip said gently. "It doesn't mean you miss her any less."
"Right. You're right." She almost managed to convince herself. "Okay. I'll go." Anything to get out of the house and away from the endless loop of her thoughts.
Phillip smiled, looking pleased with himself. "Great."
*** *** ***
"Thank you, Phillip," Natalia said, lingering in front of the door, keys in hand. "It was a very nice evening."
"You hated every second of it." But he didn't say it like he was offended by it.
She raised one shoulder in a shrug, not knowing what to say. She wasn't even sure she was capable of fun these days. It felt too hard.
"Maybe," Natalia admitted. "But thank you anyway." She laid her fingers on his wrist briefly. Against his skin, they felt like icicles. "I know what you're trying to do - taking care of me because you were Olivia's friend and that's what she would have wanted. You were a good friend to her. A good ex-husband." The words sounded like an oxymoron, but that seemed to apply to the relationships Olivia'd had with her exes.
He nodded, not looking sheepish at all that she had realized his intentions. "I consider you a friend, too, you know, and I hope the feeling is mutual. And we have a little girl that's very important to both of us to consider. It would make things less awkward for the next fifty years if we could be friends for her sake."
"Are you going to try to get custody of Emma?" Natalia asked it bluntly. The question had been weighing on her mind. After they had moved in together, Olivia had made Natalia Emma's legal guardian and in her will she had set it in motion for Natalia to adopt Emma if anything should happen to her, erring on the side of caution when it came to her little girl's security. But despite having any legal rights to Emma stripped away years before, Phillip was still her biological father and he had the Spaulding name behind him. There had been no indication that he was planning to, but she wanted to know now if she was going to be facing him in court.
"Do you know of a reason that I should?" Apparently it was a rhetorical question, because when she didn't reply he continued. "I don't. She's happy and healthy here. I won't take her out a home where she's loved like this."
"Not so happy right now."
"I know." His expression darkened. "You can see it in her eyes."
"It reminds me of Olivia."
His eyes flicked up to meet hers and for the first time he looked startled. "Emma might not be happy now, but she will be again one day."
"How do you know that?"
"Because Olivia might have looked that way once, but you're the one responsible for lifting that shadow from her eyes. You made her happy."
"What if I can't do that again?" What if I have nothing left without her?
"You already have. You taught her how to be happy and resilient. She just needs time - to grieve and to remember."
It was a sentiment that Natalia appreciated, but couldn't quite believe. Not yet.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Francesca Rivera, Frank Cooper, Rick Bauer, Phillip Spaulding, my dead body
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 33, 714 (total)
Summary: The devastation and moral decay of one Natalia Rivera.
Spoilers/Timeline Generally through September '09, though nothing terribly specific I think.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: I got this idea from a throwaway line in one of Rysler's fics that would make sense to no one who wasn't inside my brain. And even by my standards it was a pretty crazy idea. But then I thought it over and with a little bit of nudging. That's crazy became why not? After all what is fandom - and fan fiction - for if not asking, if x changed then what would happen?
Beta: What can I say? aimlessla was freaking awesome for beta’ing this for me, even as much as the whole damn thing traumatized her. I appreciate her invaluable advice, grammar assistance, not throwing her hands up at the pitiable state of my commas and poking her finger at as many of my plot holes as she could find. This one was really above and beyond.
With thanks to Kelinswriter also for offering some general thoughts on the whole thing! Much appreciated, dude!
Warning: This fic has sexual content. Unrelated to that, but additionally it is very dark in nature. Very dark. Do not that this lightly. If you hated “Even If It Killed Her” to the point you stopped reading, you’ll like this one even less. No, seriously.
Prologue || Part One
Part Two
Frank held his daughter, who was for the moment blissfully silent, gumming on a few Cheerios. In the past Natalia would have warned him of the danger of sticky hands covered in slobbery Cheerio mash. Today she was content to let him discover it for himself. She was surprised he hadn't already. Francesca had been spending more time with Frank over the last week. Phillip's theory about Francesca not expecting Olivia to be there when she was with her father seemed to be holding true. Natalia hated spending less time with her baby, but if Francesca was happier then it was a trade off that she could handle.
She wished there was somewhere she could go that would make the ache of missing Olivia go away.
"I could, uh, come over and mow the lawn sometime. If you need me to." Frank shuffled awkwardly, fussing with Francesca's jacket in an attempt to make it seem like a casual offer.
"Ah, thank you, Frank. I appreciate the offer, but we have a service that comes over." Natalia winced. We. She couldn't stop saying it. It had a habit of slipping out subconsciously, without warning.
"Oh, right, of course you do."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Natalia demanded, already knowing of course. How many times had Frank let his petty bitterness toward Olivia slip out while they were together? And Natalia had let him do it, as long as he kept those little jabs discreet and ignorable enough that she could pretend she hadn't heard them. Olivia had. She had felt them slide in with unerring accuracy and Natalia had done nothing, because she was more worried about Frank and his crushed pride. She had placated herself with the knowledge that Olivia knew she didn't believe the things Frank was saying and that her love would make up for it.
"Nothing," Frank said, surprised and a little defensive. "Just that it makes sense that Olivia would have wanted a service to do it."
"How do you know it wasn't my idea?"
"Uh, I didn't. I just assumed. Natalia, if something I said upset you, I didn't mean to." He frowned. "I'm just trying to be here for you. I know you're going through a hard time right now and I want to do anything I can to help. I just thought it might be something I could do for you."
"I got the service because she wanted to do it herself, with that horrible push mower out in the barn. I thought she'd give herself a heart attack if she tried. Ironic, isn't it?"
"Natalia..."
"Don't, Frank," she said, cutting him off before he could finish whatever he was going to say. "I appreciate you taking Francesca more this past week, but I don't want your pity."
"It's not pity." The tears swimming in his eyes belied his words. "She was my friend, too. And I care about you, Natalia. You're the mother of my child. I just want you to be okay."
The urge to lash out, to yell at him to get out of her house - to shut up - was almost overwhelming. Her nails were already beginning to dig familiar grooves into her palms. Frank looked like he was about to touch her, put a hand on her shoulder. Natalia wasn't sure she could be held responsible for her actions if he did.
The screen door squeaked as it opened, drawing their attention and providing a welcome distraction.
"Emma?" Natalia called, puzzled at who else might be coming in unannounced. Rafe had been granted a short period of leave from the army to come home when it had first happened, but he had been gone for several months now.
"Not quite," Phillip said as he walked into the living room. "I hope I'm not intruding. Emma called me and said she'd forgotten her backpack. She asked if I could bring it to her."
Which was odd, because Natalia distinctly remembered Emma hefting her backpack as she ran for the bus that morning. But this was Phillip, and he rarely did anything without a purpose. Natalia knew that about him.
"Oh. I should go...look for that." She turned her attention back to her youngest, stroking down her riotous curls and giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Frank," she smiled as much as she could. "I guess I'll see you later."
"Oh, right. I guess I should go then. Miss Emma needs that backpack."
He bent and kissed her on the cheek before she could turn away and then headed out the door, talking animatedly to Francesca as they went.
Phillip didn't say anything as Natalia crossed the room to watch Frank strap Francesca into her car seat. She didn't look away until they were pulling out of the driveway.
"Emma had her backpack this morning."
He nodded. "I know." He shrugged. "Well, I mean, not exactly, but she didn't call me. I just happened to be passing by and when I saw Frank's car I thought I'd stop and see if everything was okay."
"And you didn't think it was?" Natalia wasn't sure if she should feel insulted by that or just relieved at the interruption.
"You had this look on your face when I walked in." Phillip smiled, his eyes almost dancing with mirth. "I've seen it before - on Olivia's face. It was her 'I really want to dismember you - slowly' expression. I thought Frank might need rescuing. That's all."
"Frank? Not me?"
"No," he shook his head. "You're an incredibly strong woman, Natalia. You had the strength to come and confront me about Emma, even knowing that Olivia would be very angry if she found out what you'd done. It takes someone with amazing will and stubbornness to do something like that. I wouldn't presume to jump to your defense - or coddle you. You're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself."
And the only person she had ever wanted to take care of her couldn't anymore. It wasn't fair.
"He never really got over you, you know." Phillip's dry observation was his second welcome interruption.
"Now that sounds like something Olivia would say."
"She would know."
Natalia's head snapped up; Phillip held up his hand in a gesture of surrender.
"I didn't mean it like that; just that she would know what it looked like not to be able to get over you. She saw that expression in the mirror often enough."
"So you think, what...that Frank wants to be with me?"
Phillip shrugged. "Maybe he just wants to be there for you as a friend."
"But you don't think so?"
Phillip hesitated and then shook his head. "No, I don't. And I don't think you do either. But the good thing is, how you feel about that is completely up to you."
Natalia shot him a horrified look. "I don't love Frank."
"Okay," Phillip said, accepting her statement at face value. "I know it's only been a few months, Natalia, and I would never try to push you to do anything, but just because she's dead, doesn't mean you should stop living." His lips quirked upward into a smile that was more bitter than sweet. "She wouldn't want that."
"I can't," Natalia stammered. "It's too soon. I'm not even thinking about that. I just-"
"It's okay. You don't have to explain anything to me."
Natalia took a deep shuddering breath. She was having a hard enough time just struggling to get through each day. She couldn't even begin to think about imagining a future with someone else.
"I hope I didn't upset you."
"No," Natalia said quickly. "I know you mean well, Phillip."
"Then you'll accept my invitation to dinner at Towers this evening."
Natalia looked startled.
"As a friend. I was planning to dine alone, but I think you could use an evening out. Jane can watch Emma for one meal, and as Emma's parents I think we could use a meal to discuss things."
"Oh?" A tight fist of fear clenched in Natalia's chest.
"Yes, I've heard from Lizzie that there might be a boy - that Emma likes."
Natalia snorted, almost relieved at the horror she heard in Phillip's voice. Then she clapped her hand over her mouth in disbelief. She couldn't remember the last time she had laughed.
"It's okay to laugh, Natalia," Phillip said gently. "It doesn't mean you miss her any less."
"Right. You're right." She almost managed to convince herself. "Okay. I'll go." Anything to get out of the house and away from the endless loop of her thoughts.
Phillip smiled, looking pleased with himself. "Great."
*** *** ***
"Thank you, Phillip," Natalia said, lingering in front of the door, keys in hand. "It was a very nice evening."
"You hated every second of it." But he didn't say it like he was offended by it.
She raised one shoulder in a shrug, not knowing what to say. She wasn't even sure she was capable of fun these days. It felt too hard.
"Maybe," Natalia admitted. "But thank you anyway." She laid her fingers on his wrist briefly. Against his skin, they felt like icicles. "I know what you're trying to do - taking care of me because you were Olivia's friend and that's what she would have wanted. You were a good friend to her. A good ex-husband." The words sounded like an oxymoron, but that seemed to apply to the relationships Olivia'd had with her exes.
He nodded, not looking sheepish at all that she had realized his intentions. "I consider you a friend, too, you know, and I hope the feeling is mutual. And we have a little girl that's very important to both of us to consider. It would make things less awkward for the next fifty years if we could be friends for her sake."
"Are you going to try to get custody of Emma?" Natalia asked it bluntly. The question had been weighing on her mind. After they had moved in together, Olivia had made Natalia Emma's legal guardian and in her will she had set it in motion for Natalia to adopt Emma if anything should happen to her, erring on the side of caution when it came to her little girl's security. But despite having any legal rights to Emma stripped away years before, Phillip was still her biological father and he had the Spaulding name behind him. There had been no indication that he was planning to, but she wanted to know now if she was going to be facing him in court.
"Do you know of a reason that I should?" Apparently it was a rhetorical question, because when she didn't reply he continued. "I don't. She's happy and healthy here. I won't take her out a home where she's loved like this."
"Not so happy right now."
"I know." His expression darkened. "You can see it in her eyes."
"It reminds me of Olivia."
His eyes flicked up to meet hers and for the first time he looked startled. "Emma might not be happy now, but she will be again one day."
"How do you know that?"
"Because Olivia might have looked that way once, but you're the one responsible for lifting that shadow from her eyes. You made her happy."
"What if I can't do that again?" What if I have nothing left without her?
"You already have. You taught her how to be happy and resilient. She just needs time - to grieve and to remember."
It was a sentiment that Natalia appreciated, but couldn't quite believe. Not yet.
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