![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: July 5th
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Rafe Rivera, Blake Marler, Frank Cooper
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17 eventually, with mostly PG-13 stuff for now.
Word count: 36,471 (total)
Summary: It's the fifth of July. What will Natalia do?
Spoilers/Timeline Spoilers for everything through July 9th. Goes off canon after that.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: A quick clarification about the timeline. I was in a hurry when I posted the dates and I goofed. I should have said that it goes off canon as of the July 6th shows, which as close as I can figure is actually the fifth of July because stuff is taking place the morning after the barbecue. Which might give a clue as to the title.
Beta: Many thanks to aimlessla for looking over this massive thing for me, pointing out plot holes and my constant comma issues.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five
Part Six
The baby kicked again, a flurry of motion beneath her skin. Natalia was mortified. Tears began to well up in her eyes and everything turned blurry. Still she looked away from Olivia. She couldn’t bear to see the accusation, the disappointment in Olivia’s eyes.
Natalia felt Olivia’s hand slide in between them and cover the spot where the baby was kicking. She couldn’t do this; she couldn’t. Fear and panic began to consume her again.
“You’re pregnant?” Olivia asked, her voice cracking as she said it. She sounded so hurt that Natalia looked back to her immediately. “How long...” She swallowed and tried again. “How long have you known?”
“Not long,” Natalia admitted. “I just found out the day before the barbecue.”
Olivia nodded, in a distant sort of way. “This is why you left?” she asked quietly.
Natalia nodded. She was still waiting for her sentence to be handed down, for Olivia to pass judgement and declare her un-worthy and un-lovable. Everyone else had.
“You couldn’t tell me?” Olivia still sounded so hurt.
Natalia wanted to do anything that she could to make it better, but she couldn’t change the facts of this situation. She would go back in time and stop herself from sleeping with Frank if she could, but she couldn’t. Once again that mistake was coming back to haunt her. She had hoped that it was buried firmly in the past where it could be forgotten. She and Olivia had never spoken of it since they had admitted their feelings to one another.
“I couldn’t face you,” Natalia whispered. “I didn’t know how to tell you that...that... You were so happy, Olivia, and I was - I am - so scared.” She sniffed and tried to meet Olivia’s eyes, but couldn’t quite. “I’m so ashamed.”
“Of us?” Olivia asked brokenly.
Natalia shook her head. “Of me. I slept with Frank. I betrayed you and...and...then this happened. And I couldn’t face you or Frank. I hurt so many people and I didn’t mean to. I’m so sorry, Olivia. I’m so sorry.”
Without a word, Olivia cupped the back of Natalia’s head and brought it down to her shoulder. Her other arm slipped around Natalia’s waist as Natalia’s tears turned into sobs. Natalia held onto Olivia just as desperately as Olivia was holding on to her, burying her fingers in the thin material of Olivia’s t-shirt.
Despite everything, the devastation and uncertainty of the past two days, the fear and shame that poured off Natalia, Olivia couldn’t help but feel just a little bit better in Natalia’s arms. Nothing had been solved, but she could breathe again. She didn’t want to let Natalia go every again. If she could just keep holding on, never letting her go again, maybe things would be okay. But Olivia knew all about holding on too tightly. With desperation, the people that she loved - relationships that she formed - only slipped away even faster.
“I just wanted to do the right thing,” Natalia said, her voice muffled by Olivia’s shoulder. “But I keep making things worse. I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.”
Olivia closed her eyes against the panic in Natalia’s voice. What Natalia was asking her to do was so tempting, but she couldn’t do it. She needed it to be Natalia’s choice, her decision. Olivia had always needed that. She needed to be chosen and loved. It would crush her if she made Natalia’s decision for her, only to learn later that Natalia regretted the path that they had gone down.
“I can’t do that, Natalia.” She stroked Natalia’s hair, biting her lip in effort to hold back her own tears. “You have to decide what’s best for you.” Olivia hesitated. “For this baby.”
There was a long pause and then Natalia whispered, “Do you hate me?”
Olivia couldn’t hold back her tears at that. “No.”
“I need you,” Natalia said desperately. “It isn’t fair to you, but I can’t do this without you. I’m so scared to face Frank. And Rafe - he’s so angry with me, Olivia, and I don’t know how to deal with that. I can’t even imagine telling Frank about this baby. And I am so scared of losing you.”
Olivia stiffened. In the revelation of the last few minutes, she had almost forgotten about the way that Natalia had left without a word. Part of her wanted to promise that she would be there as long as Natalia needed her - wanted her - in her life. The rest of her felt shaken and scared in a way that she had never imagined that Natalia could make her feel.
“Am I really what you want?” Olivia asked, as calmly as she could.
“Yes.”
“It didn’t feel that way.”
“I know,” Natalia said, straightening so that she could look at Olivia. She took a deep breath. This was the moment. She had to make Olivia understand or nothing would ever be the same between them. “When I left,” she said, trying to organize her thoughts even as she spoke, “I didn’t leave because of you. I left because I was scared and ashamed and I couldn’t face you or Frank. I didn’t leave you, I swear. I just needed a place to think.”
“You couldn’t have thought here?”
“No,” Natalia admitted softly. “I didn’t think so. All I could hear was how angry Rafe was. All I could see was how much I had hurt Frank. And then, what I had done... all I could see was how badly it would hurt you. Father Ray said I needed to find a place of peace and then I would be able to see what I needed to do.”
“So you took his advice and left.” Olivia said bitterly. “Right. Because he’s been so supportive.”
Natalia bit her lip. She deserved that, she supposed, Olivia’s anger. But she couldn’t let that dissuade her. “He was right though. But what I forgot is that the place that I feel the most peace is with you. You’re my best friend, Olivia. You are everything to me.”
“But I can’t be just your best friend, Natalia. I want to be more than that.”
“You are more than that.”
“Am I?” Olivia asked. “Am I really? Because nothing has changed. We’re still the same that we’ve always been, except for now, every moment that I’m around you I’m terrified that I’ll do something that will scare you away.” She laughed bitterly and ran her hand through her hair in agitation, pushing it away from her face. “Something like this.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Natalia said. “I’m still here.”
“Here. Where no one can see us.”
“I didn’t go to the barbecue, because I didn’t know how to tell you about-” Even now Natalia couldn’t say it yet “-this. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with you.”
“You say that,” Olivia said, “And I want to believe you.” She wanted to so badly, but she couldn’t. Not yet, not after the devastation of the barbecue.
“Then believe me,” Natalia said, raising her hand to Olivia’s cheek. “Because I’m never going to leave you again.”
“It’s not that simple. I wish it was. What happens the next time something scares you?” What happens when I scare you?
“I don’t know,” Natalia said slowly. She had no way to predict what would happen in the future, no guarantee that she could give. She could say all the right things forever and it still might not be enough. Going to the barbecue together was supposed to have been a gesture, her gesture to show Olivia how much she loved her. But she had failed at that, had let her fear chase her away. Now she was paying for that mistake. She wanted to be closer not farther away. She needed to prove to Olivia that she wasn’t running away.
“Move in with me.”
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Rafe Rivera, Blake Marler, Frank Cooper
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: NC-17 eventually, with mostly PG-13 stuff for now.
Word count: 36,471 (total)
Summary: It's the fifth of July. What will Natalia do?
Spoilers/Timeline Spoilers for everything through July 9th. Goes off canon after that.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Author's Note: A quick clarification about the timeline. I was in a hurry when I posted the dates and I goofed. I should have said that it goes off canon as of the July 6th shows, which as close as I can figure is actually the fifth of July because stuff is taking place the morning after the barbecue. Which might give a clue as to the title.
Beta: Many thanks to aimlessla for looking over this massive thing for me, pointing out plot holes and my constant comma issues.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five
Part Six
The baby kicked again, a flurry of motion beneath her skin. Natalia was mortified. Tears began to well up in her eyes and everything turned blurry. Still she looked away from Olivia. She couldn’t bear to see the accusation, the disappointment in Olivia’s eyes.
Natalia felt Olivia’s hand slide in between them and cover the spot where the baby was kicking. She couldn’t do this; she couldn’t. Fear and panic began to consume her again.
“You’re pregnant?” Olivia asked, her voice cracking as she said it. She sounded so hurt that Natalia looked back to her immediately. “How long...” She swallowed and tried again. “How long have you known?”
“Not long,” Natalia admitted. “I just found out the day before the barbecue.”
Olivia nodded, in a distant sort of way. “This is why you left?” she asked quietly.
Natalia nodded. She was still waiting for her sentence to be handed down, for Olivia to pass judgement and declare her un-worthy and un-lovable. Everyone else had.
“You couldn’t tell me?” Olivia still sounded so hurt.
Natalia wanted to do anything that she could to make it better, but she couldn’t change the facts of this situation. She would go back in time and stop herself from sleeping with Frank if she could, but she couldn’t. Once again that mistake was coming back to haunt her. She had hoped that it was buried firmly in the past where it could be forgotten. She and Olivia had never spoken of it since they had admitted their feelings to one another.
“I couldn’t face you,” Natalia whispered. “I didn’t know how to tell you that...that... You were so happy, Olivia, and I was - I am - so scared.” She sniffed and tried to meet Olivia’s eyes, but couldn’t quite. “I’m so ashamed.”
“Of us?” Olivia asked brokenly.
Natalia shook her head. “Of me. I slept with Frank. I betrayed you and...and...then this happened. And I couldn’t face you or Frank. I hurt so many people and I didn’t mean to. I’m so sorry, Olivia. I’m so sorry.”
Without a word, Olivia cupped the back of Natalia’s head and brought it down to her shoulder. Her other arm slipped around Natalia’s waist as Natalia’s tears turned into sobs. Natalia held onto Olivia just as desperately as Olivia was holding on to her, burying her fingers in the thin material of Olivia’s t-shirt.
Despite everything, the devastation and uncertainty of the past two days, the fear and shame that poured off Natalia, Olivia couldn’t help but feel just a little bit better in Natalia’s arms. Nothing had been solved, but she could breathe again. She didn’t want to let Natalia go every again. If she could just keep holding on, never letting her go again, maybe things would be okay. But Olivia knew all about holding on too tightly. With desperation, the people that she loved - relationships that she formed - only slipped away even faster.
“I just wanted to do the right thing,” Natalia said, her voice muffled by Olivia’s shoulder. “But I keep making things worse. I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.”
Olivia closed her eyes against the panic in Natalia’s voice. What Natalia was asking her to do was so tempting, but she couldn’t do it. She needed it to be Natalia’s choice, her decision. Olivia had always needed that. She needed to be chosen and loved. It would crush her if she made Natalia’s decision for her, only to learn later that Natalia regretted the path that they had gone down.
“I can’t do that, Natalia.” She stroked Natalia’s hair, biting her lip in effort to hold back her own tears. “You have to decide what’s best for you.” Olivia hesitated. “For this baby.”
There was a long pause and then Natalia whispered, “Do you hate me?”
Olivia couldn’t hold back her tears at that. “No.”
“I need you,” Natalia said desperately. “It isn’t fair to you, but I can’t do this without you. I’m so scared to face Frank. And Rafe - he’s so angry with me, Olivia, and I don’t know how to deal with that. I can’t even imagine telling Frank about this baby. And I am so scared of losing you.”
Olivia stiffened. In the revelation of the last few minutes, she had almost forgotten about the way that Natalia had left without a word. Part of her wanted to promise that she would be there as long as Natalia needed her - wanted her - in her life. The rest of her felt shaken and scared in a way that she had never imagined that Natalia could make her feel.
“Am I really what you want?” Olivia asked, as calmly as she could.
“Yes.”
“It didn’t feel that way.”
“I know,” Natalia said, straightening so that she could look at Olivia. She took a deep breath. This was the moment. She had to make Olivia understand or nothing would ever be the same between them. “When I left,” she said, trying to organize her thoughts even as she spoke, “I didn’t leave because of you. I left because I was scared and ashamed and I couldn’t face you or Frank. I didn’t leave you, I swear. I just needed a place to think.”
“You couldn’t have thought here?”
“No,” Natalia admitted softly. “I didn’t think so. All I could hear was how angry Rafe was. All I could see was how much I had hurt Frank. And then, what I had done... all I could see was how badly it would hurt you. Father Ray said I needed to find a place of peace and then I would be able to see what I needed to do.”
“So you took his advice and left.” Olivia said bitterly. “Right. Because he’s been so supportive.”
Natalia bit her lip. She deserved that, she supposed, Olivia’s anger. But she couldn’t let that dissuade her. “He was right though. But what I forgot is that the place that I feel the most peace is with you. You’re my best friend, Olivia. You are everything to me.”
“But I can’t be just your best friend, Natalia. I want to be more than that.”
“You are more than that.”
“Am I?” Olivia asked. “Am I really? Because nothing has changed. We’re still the same that we’ve always been, except for now, every moment that I’m around you I’m terrified that I’ll do something that will scare you away.” She laughed bitterly and ran her hand through her hair in agitation, pushing it away from her face. “Something like this.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Natalia said. “I’m still here.”
“Here. Where no one can see us.”
“I didn’t go to the barbecue, because I didn’t know how to tell you about-” Even now Natalia couldn’t say it yet “-this. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with you.”
“You say that,” Olivia said, “And I want to believe you.” She wanted to so badly, but she couldn’t. Not yet, not after the devastation of the barbecue.
“Then believe me,” Natalia said, raising her hand to Olivia’s cheek. “Because I’m never going to leave you again.”
“It’s not that simple. I wish it was. What happens the next time something scares you?” What happens when I scare you?
“I don’t know,” Natalia said slowly. She had no way to predict what would happen in the future, no guarantee that she could give. She could say all the right things forever and it still might not be enough. Going to the barbecue together was supposed to have been a gesture, her gesture to show Olivia how much she loved her. But she had failed at that, had let her fear chase her away. Now she was paying for that mistake. She wanted to be closer not farther away. She needed to prove to Olivia that she wasn’t running away.
“Move in with me.”
Tags: