![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: Even If It Killed Her
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 1,323
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rysler reminded me that I had already finished The Importance of Family, so now I'm not really sure what to say here. Apologies for all the angst, maybe?
Beta:jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven || Part Eight || Part Nine || Part Ten || Part Eleven || Part Twelve || Part Thirteen || Part Fourteen || Part Fifteen
Part Sixteen
Frank laughed. It was not a pleasant sound. "Olivia. You're in love with Olivia?"
Natalia nodded carefully. Frank was scaring her. She didn't think he would actually do anything. It was Frank, after all, the man who had been there for her so many times after Gus' death, but it would have been more reassuring if he had been loud and angry, instead of laughing. She had worked in enough bars to know that it wasn't always the loud disruptive drunk who was the one to worry about.
"Why the hell not? Everyone falls for her. Even when they know better."
Natalia was suddenly caught between apologizing again and springing to Olivia's defense.
"It- this doesn't even make sense, Natalia. You're...you, and she's...Olivia...a woman."
"I love her because of who she is, not in spite of it."
Frank looked at her as if he had never seen her before. "I don't even know you. Why did you marry me?"
Natalia swallowed, but she couldn't stop now. She had to keep being strong just for a little while longer. She needed to finish this while she still could before guilt could overwhelm her again and weaken her resolve. "I married you because I was scared. You're the kind of man any woman would be lucky to spend their life with, Frank, and I thought I could love you the way you deserved to be loved. But I can't."
"So, what are you saying, Natalia?" Frank asked after a long moment. "You want a divorce?" He said the last word scornfully. "I thought you didn't believe in that."
Just hearing the word took her breath away. It instantly recalled the way her mother had looked at her when Natalia had revealed that she was pregnant with Rafe. It was everything she could do to keep from crumpling back from the weight of that word. "I don't," Natalia admitted. "But this, what we have between us, Frank, it's not what a real marriage should be. I'm so sorry." She couldn't help but say it one more time. If only...so many things. If only she hadn't agreed to marry him. It would have saved everyone so much heartache. If only she had been stronger then, but it had taken getting to this point where she couldn't pretend anymore for her to find her strength. She prayed it was a lesson she didn't forget. The easy way wasn't always the right one. She had learned that for the first time with Rafe, but somehow along the way she had forgotten it. Never again.
"I can't..." Frank turned his back on her and stalked to the far side of the kitchen, controlled fury etched in every line of his body. "This is crazy, Natalia. Do you understand? You can't do this."
"I have to." She waited for him to turn back around, to acknowledge her in any way, but he wouldn't look at her. Finally she got up as well, walking out of the kitchen on autopilot. Her living room looked foreign and out of proportion, not right somehow and definitely not hers. She thought about going upstairs and crawling into bed, but the thought of sharing a bed with Frank that night, a bed filled with stiff angry silences or loud demanding exchanges was just more than she could face.
Her keys were in the pocket of her coat. She was still wearing it, having been so distracted when she had entered the house that she never took it off. Clenching her fingers around her keys, Natalia walked out the front door and headed for the only place she could think to go.
*** *** ***
"Anything I need to know about, Joel?" Olivia asked, hoping mightily that the answer was no. Sick of room service and being cramped up inside of the suite after the previous evenings dinner at the farmhouse, Emma had persuaded Olivia to go out for dinner, despite the headache that had been growing more and more insistent since that morning. Company was out of the question, no matter how much Emma begged for a Buzz Burger and an Ice Cream Sundae, but they had eventually compromised on Towers. If Olivia had been forced to throw in a bribe in the form of one of Tower's sundaes, something she normally wouldn't have allowed Emma to have that late on a school night, then she wouldn't admit it to anyone. She had a reputation to protect after all. Now all she wanted was to go back to her room, get Emma tucked into bed, and pass out into some form of oblivion that wasn't consumed with thoughts of Natalia.
"No, everything's been quiet tonight, Ms. Spencer."
"Good," Olivia said shortly, turning away from the concierge desk and heading toward the elevator, Emma's hand firmly tucked inside her own.
"Actually, Ms. Spencer, there was one thing?"
Olivia froze, taking a deep breath before she slowly pivoted to face him. He didn't know how lucky he was that Emma was there with her at the moment, otherwise she would have simply let him have it. "What?" And if the tone of her question was shorter than what was polite, it only made Joel spit it out faster.
"It's not a problem," he elaborated quickly. "I just thought you would want to know - Mrs. Cooper came in about an hour ago. She requested a room for the night."
It was amazing how much she hated hearing Natalia called that. That was Olivia's first thought. Her second was to wonder what the hell Natalia was doing at her hotel when she had a wonderful home of her own. It made no sense. "Was-" she almost choked on her next words - "Mr. Cooper with her?"
"No, he wasn't. At least he didn't come in with her," Joel amended.
"Okay, thank you." Olivia turned away, once again heading toward the elevator, her mind slowly beginning to turn over this new development as her body went about the mundane practicalities of getting her daughter to bed. This time it was Emma who stopped her, tugging on her hand until she looked down at her.
"Are we going to go check on Natalia, Mommy?"
"I don't think so, Jellybean," Olivia answered as gently as she could. "Not tonight."
"Why not? She came here, didn't she?"
"True," And one half of Olivia's heart was currently rejoicing over that fact while wondering what the hell was going on. "But she didn't come to see us," Olivia reminded her, echoing the disappointment and confusion she was also feeling. "She's just staying in the hotel, so we should respect her privacy."
"But why is she staying here if she doesn't want to see us? Why isn't she at the farmhouse with Uncle Frank?"
"I don't know, but I'm sure she's okay." Except she wasn't sure of that at all.
"You have to go check on her, Mommy. Please!"
Maybe Olivia had just finally reached the limits of her tolerance for Emma's begging after being exposed to large doses of it earlier in the evening. Maybe it was because Emma had asked for what she most wanted to do. Whatever it was, Olivia Spencer caved like a soufflé in a stampede.
"Okay." She tried to ignore Emma's triumphant exclamation. "But we have to wait and see if Jane can come over for a little while. And you have to promise and be good for her - brush your teeth and go to bed when she tells you to, no negotiating." It was all too easy for Emma to persuade Jane sometimes.
"I will, Mommy. I swear."
Even as conflicted and wrapped up in a dizzying array of emotions as she was at that moment, Olivia had to laugh at the earnest, innocent expression on her daughter's face. Impulsively she wrapped her arms around Emma, pulling her into a tight hug. "I love you so much, Em. Don't ever forget that."
*** *** ***
There was no answer when she knocked on the door to Natalia's room. She could just go away, satisfying Emma's concern by saying that she had tried. Then there was the key card in her pocket - the master that could get her into any room in her hotel. But if Natalia wasn't answering her door, it was probably for a good reason. Opening her door without permission or a damn good reason would be a massive invasion of her privacy, no matter what her intentions.
In the end Olivia settled for something that fell in between the two. She knocked again, louder this time and called out: "Room service!"
The silence stretched out for so long that Olivia thought this wasn't going to work either. She was just about to give up when she thought she heard something and froze, waiting to see if she was mistaken. She wasn't disappointed. A moment later the door swung open just enough for her to catch a glimpse of Natalia as the security chain kept it from opening wide.
"I didn't-" Natalia trailed off when she saw Olivia standing outside her room instead of a member of the Beacon's wait-staff.
The door shut in Olivia's face. Of all the possibilities that had run through her mind on the way up, Natalia slamming the door in her face without a word had simply never occurred to her. Olivia was so stunned that it took a moment before she realized that it was actually the tears welling in her eyes that were blurring her vision.
Then Natalia opened the door and this time it was completely free of the chain that had stopped her from entering before.
Immediately Olivia forgot about what she was feeling when she caught sight of Natalia. She was turned slightly away from Olivia as she stood holding the door open and her hair was falling down across her face, obscuring most of her expression.
"May I come in?" Olivia asked, trying not to be too presumptuous.
Natalia stepped back a little bit further and Olivia took it as invitation enough, following her inside. She remained rooted to the spot, her hands shoved into her pockets as Natalia shut the door behind her. A glimpse of puffy eyes and red cheeks made Olivia's hand shoot out, stopping Natalia with a touch.
"Tell me what's wrong."
Natalia sniffled but wouldn't look her in the eye. "Frank and I had a fight."
A fight. Olivia took a moment to process those words. She couldn't imagine Frank and Natalia fighting about anything. She had never even seen them bicker in the nauseating way that most new couples usually did. A horrible thought hit her and involuntarily her fingers tightened on Natalia's arm. "Did he-"
But Natalia seemed to read the look in her eyes and the coldness in her voice because she was already shaking her head, cutting off Olivia's question. "No. Frank would never." She sounded scandalized and hurt, so wounded that all Olivia wanted to do was pull her into her arms and hold her until it was better. "I just needed to get out of the house for a little while and this was the only place I could think to come. I hope you don't mind."
"Of course not," Olivia dismissed that as ridiculous. "I'll have Joel comp your room in the morning."
Natalia immediately looked defensive. "I wasn't looking for..."
"Charity? A hand out?" Olivia countered. "I'm not offering. But I don't have a spare bedroom where you can crash at my place." She jerked her head up toward the upper floor that contained her suite. "If I did though, you wouldn't pay me to let you spend the night in a friend's spare room, would you?"
When Natalia reluctantly shook her head, Olivia nodded.
"Then just consider this my spare room."
"Thank you."
"No thanks necessary," Olivia corrected her gently. She hesitated and then lifted a hand to tilt Natalia's chin up, sending dark hair cascading away from her face. "You can tell me what happened. I promise it will be okay." And she knew it would be. In this moment she was here for Natalia, like she had been once before. She had been upset over Frank that time, too, but it had taught Olivia that she could handle it, putting her pain aside to comfort Natalia until she had a moment alone where she could cry out her own tears.
"I told Frank I wanted a divorce."
"No." Her hand fell away from Natalia's face as if the muscles and ligaments holding it in place had been cut. "I'm pretty sure I know how you feel about divorce and you do not get to do this. He can make you happy." By her last statement she was almost pleading with Natalia to tell her that this was true, that she hadn't ruined this for Natalia too.
"He can't." Natalia countered, hurt flashing across her face and disappearing in an instant behind a stubborn facade. "I made a mistake, Olivia. I did. I don't love Frank."
"You're wrong." There was no doubt in Olivia's voice. She may as well have been stating that the earth was round or the sun was hot. "You do. You're just scared or still adjusting to being married or something."
"I'm not," Natalia said stubbornly. "I'm not scared and I don't love him."
"Don't be ridiculous, Natalia. He's everything you've ever wanted, everything you deserve. Of course you love him."
"But I don't," Natalia protested. "I don't love him. I love you!"
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 1,323
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note:
rysler reminded me that I had already finished The Importance of Family, so now I'm not really sure what to say here. Apologies for all the angst, maybe? Beta:
jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic. Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven || Part Eight || Part Nine || Part Ten || Part Eleven || Part Twelve || Part Thirteen || Part Fourteen || Part Fifteen
Part Sixteen
Frank laughed. It was not a pleasant sound. "Olivia. You're in love with Olivia?"
Natalia nodded carefully. Frank was scaring her. She didn't think he would actually do anything. It was Frank, after all, the man who had been there for her so many times after Gus' death, but it would have been more reassuring if he had been loud and angry, instead of laughing. She had worked in enough bars to know that it wasn't always the loud disruptive drunk who was the one to worry about.
"Why the hell not? Everyone falls for her. Even when they know better."
Natalia was suddenly caught between apologizing again and springing to Olivia's defense.
"It- this doesn't even make sense, Natalia. You're...you, and she's...Olivia...a woman."
"I love her because of who she is, not in spite of it."
Frank looked at her as if he had never seen her before. "I don't even know you. Why did you marry me?"
Natalia swallowed, but she couldn't stop now. She had to keep being strong just for a little while longer. She needed to finish this while she still could before guilt could overwhelm her again and weaken her resolve. "I married you because I was scared. You're the kind of man any woman would be lucky to spend their life with, Frank, and I thought I could love you the way you deserved to be loved. But I can't."
"So, what are you saying, Natalia?" Frank asked after a long moment. "You want a divorce?" He said the last word scornfully. "I thought you didn't believe in that."
Just hearing the word took her breath away. It instantly recalled the way her mother had looked at her when Natalia had revealed that she was pregnant with Rafe. It was everything she could do to keep from crumpling back from the weight of that word. "I don't," Natalia admitted. "But this, what we have between us, Frank, it's not what a real marriage should be. I'm so sorry." She couldn't help but say it one more time. If only...so many things. If only she hadn't agreed to marry him. It would have saved everyone so much heartache. If only she had been stronger then, but it had taken getting to this point where she couldn't pretend anymore for her to find her strength. She prayed it was a lesson she didn't forget. The easy way wasn't always the right one. She had learned that for the first time with Rafe, but somehow along the way she had forgotten it. Never again.
"I can't..." Frank turned his back on her and stalked to the far side of the kitchen, controlled fury etched in every line of his body. "This is crazy, Natalia. Do you understand? You can't do this."
"I have to." She waited for him to turn back around, to acknowledge her in any way, but he wouldn't look at her. Finally she got up as well, walking out of the kitchen on autopilot. Her living room looked foreign and out of proportion, not right somehow and definitely not hers. She thought about going upstairs and crawling into bed, but the thought of sharing a bed with Frank that night, a bed filled with stiff angry silences or loud demanding exchanges was just more than she could face.
Her keys were in the pocket of her coat. She was still wearing it, having been so distracted when she had entered the house that she never took it off. Clenching her fingers around her keys, Natalia walked out the front door and headed for the only place she could think to go.
*** *** ***
"Anything I need to know about, Joel?" Olivia asked, hoping mightily that the answer was no. Sick of room service and being cramped up inside of the suite after the previous evenings dinner at the farmhouse, Emma had persuaded Olivia to go out for dinner, despite the headache that had been growing more and more insistent since that morning. Company was out of the question, no matter how much Emma begged for a Buzz Burger and an Ice Cream Sundae, but they had eventually compromised on Towers. If Olivia had been forced to throw in a bribe in the form of one of Tower's sundaes, something she normally wouldn't have allowed Emma to have that late on a school night, then she wouldn't admit it to anyone. She had a reputation to protect after all. Now all she wanted was to go back to her room, get Emma tucked into bed, and pass out into some form of oblivion that wasn't consumed with thoughts of Natalia.
"No, everything's been quiet tonight, Ms. Spencer."
"Good," Olivia said shortly, turning away from the concierge desk and heading toward the elevator, Emma's hand firmly tucked inside her own.
"Actually, Ms. Spencer, there was one thing?"
Olivia froze, taking a deep breath before she slowly pivoted to face him. He didn't know how lucky he was that Emma was there with her at the moment, otherwise she would have simply let him have it. "What?" And if the tone of her question was shorter than what was polite, it only made Joel spit it out faster.
"It's not a problem," he elaborated quickly. "I just thought you would want to know - Mrs. Cooper came in about an hour ago. She requested a room for the night."
It was amazing how much she hated hearing Natalia called that. That was Olivia's first thought. Her second was to wonder what the hell Natalia was doing at her hotel when she had a wonderful home of her own. It made no sense. "Was-" she almost choked on her next words - "Mr. Cooper with her?"
"No, he wasn't. At least he didn't come in with her," Joel amended.
"Okay, thank you." Olivia turned away, once again heading toward the elevator, her mind slowly beginning to turn over this new development as her body went about the mundane practicalities of getting her daughter to bed. This time it was Emma who stopped her, tugging on her hand until she looked down at her.
"Are we going to go check on Natalia, Mommy?"
"I don't think so, Jellybean," Olivia answered as gently as she could. "Not tonight."
"Why not? She came here, didn't she?"
"True," And one half of Olivia's heart was currently rejoicing over that fact while wondering what the hell was going on. "But she didn't come to see us," Olivia reminded her, echoing the disappointment and confusion she was also feeling. "She's just staying in the hotel, so we should respect her privacy."
"But why is she staying here if she doesn't want to see us? Why isn't she at the farmhouse with Uncle Frank?"
"I don't know, but I'm sure she's okay." Except she wasn't sure of that at all.
"You have to go check on her, Mommy. Please!"
Maybe Olivia had just finally reached the limits of her tolerance for Emma's begging after being exposed to large doses of it earlier in the evening. Maybe it was because Emma had asked for what she most wanted to do. Whatever it was, Olivia Spencer caved like a soufflé in a stampede.
"Okay." She tried to ignore Emma's triumphant exclamation. "But we have to wait and see if Jane can come over for a little while. And you have to promise and be good for her - brush your teeth and go to bed when she tells you to, no negotiating." It was all too easy for Emma to persuade Jane sometimes.
"I will, Mommy. I swear."
Even as conflicted and wrapped up in a dizzying array of emotions as she was at that moment, Olivia had to laugh at the earnest, innocent expression on her daughter's face. Impulsively she wrapped her arms around Emma, pulling her into a tight hug. "I love you so much, Em. Don't ever forget that."
*** *** ***
There was no answer when she knocked on the door to Natalia's room. She could just go away, satisfying Emma's concern by saying that she had tried. Then there was the key card in her pocket - the master that could get her into any room in her hotel. But if Natalia wasn't answering her door, it was probably for a good reason. Opening her door without permission or a damn good reason would be a massive invasion of her privacy, no matter what her intentions.
In the end Olivia settled for something that fell in between the two. She knocked again, louder this time and called out: "Room service!"
The silence stretched out for so long that Olivia thought this wasn't going to work either. She was just about to give up when she thought she heard something and froze, waiting to see if she was mistaken. She wasn't disappointed. A moment later the door swung open just enough for her to catch a glimpse of Natalia as the security chain kept it from opening wide.
"I didn't-" Natalia trailed off when she saw Olivia standing outside her room instead of a member of the Beacon's wait-staff.
The door shut in Olivia's face. Of all the possibilities that had run through her mind on the way up, Natalia slamming the door in her face without a word had simply never occurred to her. Olivia was so stunned that it took a moment before she realized that it was actually the tears welling in her eyes that were blurring her vision.
Then Natalia opened the door and this time it was completely free of the chain that had stopped her from entering before.
Immediately Olivia forgot about what she was feeling when she caught sight of Natalia. She was turned slightly away from Olivia as she stood holding the door open and her hair was falling down across her face, obscuring most of her expression.
"May I come in?" Olivia asked, trying not to be too presumptuous.
Natalia stepped back a little bit further and Olivia took it as invitation enough, following her inside. She remained rooted to the spot, her hands shoved into her pockets as Natalia shut the door behind her. A glimpse of puffy eyes and red cheeks made Olivia's hand shoot out, stopping Natalia with a touch.
"Tell me what's wrong."
Natalia sniffled but wouldn't look her in the eye. "Frank and I had a fight."
A fight. Olivia took a moment to process those words. She couldn't imagine Frank and Natalia fighting about anything. She had never even seen them bicker in the nauseating way that most new couples usually did. A horrible thought hit her and involuntarily her fingers tightened on Natalia's arm. "Did he-"
But Natalia seemed to read the look in her eyes and the coldness in her voice because she was already shaking her head, cutting off Olivia's question. "No. Frank would never." She sounded scandalized and hurt, so wounded that all Olivia wanted to do was pull her into her arms and hold her until it was better. "I just needed to get out of the house for a little while and this was the only place I could think to come. I hope you don't mind."
"Of course not," Olivia dismissed that as ridiculous. "I'll have Joel comp your room in the morning."
Natalia immediately looked defensive. "I wasn't looking for..."
"Charity? A hand out?" Olivia countered. "I'm not offering. But I don't have a spare bedroom where you can crash at my place." She jerked her head up toward the upper floor that contained her suite. "If I did though, you wouldn't pay me to let you spend the night in a friend's spare room, would you?"
When Natalia reluctantly shook her head, Olivia nodded.
"Then just consider this my spare room."
"Thank you."
"No thanks necessary," Olivia corrected her gently. She hesitated and then lifted a hand to tilt Natalia's chin up, sending dark hair cascading away from her face. "You can tell me what happened. I promise it will be okay." And she knew it would be. In this moment she was here for Natalia, like she had been once before. She had been upset over Frank that time, too, but it had taught Olivia that she could handle it, putting her pain aside to comfort Natalia until she had a moment alone where she could cry out her own tears.
"I told Frank I wanted a divorce."
"No." Her hand fell away from Natalia's face as if the muscles and ligaments holding it in place had been cut. "I'm pretty sure I know how you feel about divorce and you do not get to do this. He can make you happy." By her last statement she was almost pleading with Natalia to tell her that this was true, that she hadn't ruined this for Natalia too.
"He can't." Natalia countered, hurt flashing across her face and disappearing in an instant behind a stubborn facade. "I made a mistake, Olivia. I did. I don't love Frank."
"You're wrong." There was no doubt in Olivia's voice. She may as well have been stating that the earth was round or the sun was hot. "You do. You're just scared or still adjusting to being married or something."
"I'm not," Natalia said stubbornly. "I'm not scared and I don't love him."
"Don't be ridiculous, Natalia. He's everything you've ever wanted, everything you deserve. Of course you love him."
"But I don't," Natalia protested. "I don't love him. I love you!"
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