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Title: Even If It Killed Her
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 1,323
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rysler reminded me that I had already finished The Importance of Family, so now I'm not really sure what to say here. Apologies for all the angst, maybe?
Beta:jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven || Part Eight || Part Nine || Part Ten || Part Eleven || Part Twelve || Part Thirteen || Part Fourteen
Part Fifteen
She was sitting at the kitchen table, eyeing the Virgin Mary statue that stood on the counter on the opposite side of the room, when Frank got home. She heard the front door open and then close, but she didn't bother to call out to him or look up. She knew he would find her in just a moment. The farmhouse wasn't that big and he had to have seen her car in the drive when he pulled up.
"Hey!" Frank sounded delighted when he walked into the kitchen, his eyes lighting up when he saw her sitting there waiting for him. "You're home early. Did Olivia give you the afternoon off?" He leaned over to kiss her as he dropped his jacket on the back of the chair. She didn't turn away from his kiss, but she didn't turn toward him either.
Apparently Frank took her silence as an affirmative because when he stood up he was still grinning. "What's for dinner?" He added, as he glanced around the room. "I've been starving all day, thinking about one of your home-cooked meals tonight."
"Frank," Natalia said quiet in contrast to his eager enthusiasm. "We need to talk."
"Oh, okay." He sounded a little bit surprised as he looked down at her, but he didn't seem too worried as he sat. "Is this about your job?"
"What?" Work was the last thing on Natalia's mind at the moment. "No."
"I just thought...I mean, the other day when you said we needed to talk..."
"No, this is about...something else, Frank." How did someone start a conversation like this? Natalia wasn't sure. There was no good way that she could think of, no pleasant way for this to end. They were long past the point where she could get off this ride without anyone getting hurt, herself included. It was just a matter of minimizing the damage and deciding who would hurt now instead of being hurt even more later. At the moment, Natalia could hardly stand herself, but in the end she had realized that Father Ray was right. Telling the truth was always the right thing to do. "I'm sorry." It was the first, the only thing that Natalia could say. She knew it wouldn't mean anything to Frank when she was done, but she had to say it. She still cared about Frank as a friend and what she was about to do would hurt him badly.
"For what?" Frank asked, worry furrowing his brow as he reached forward and took her hand.
"I can't do this, Frank." She had started crying, tears running almost silent down her cheek even as she tried to hold them back.
"Can't do what, Baby? Make dinner? Because I can...it's not a big deal."
"Not that," Natalia broke in quickly. "This." She gestured between them. "Us. I can't be married to you." She hated herself for saying the words, but even as she said them it felt surreal. Never in her whole life had she imagined being a person who would say that.
"What?" Frank shook his head, still looking confused. "What are you saying?"
"I'm sorry, Frank." No matter how much she knew it wouldn't help, she couldn't stop saying it. "I'm so sorry. I should never have agreed to marry you in the first place. I made a horrible decision and I didn't mean to hurt you. You're a good man. You don't deserve this, but I can't be married to you."
"But...I thought you were happy." Frank blurted out in hurt confusion. "I thought you wanted to be with me. You said you loved me. We were happy."
But she never had. That was one lie she hadn't told, but it would be cruel even beyond what she was already doing to him to point that out to him now when she was finally telling the truth.
"I was happy. I was so happy having Rafe home - with me - for the first time in months, and I am so grateful to you for giving me that. You have no idea how much that means to me."
The blank shock in Frank's face subsided and Natalia could almost see him latch on to something else. "Maybe it's just Rafe. I mean, Rafe being gone. You're sad because he's your son and you miss him. That's natural, Natalia, but it will pass. You just need to give it some time. Give me more time to prove how happy I can make you."
"Frank..." Natalia's said pleadingly, begging him silently not to do this, not to make this any harder on either of them. "It's not just Rafe. It has nothing to do with Rafe. I shouldn't have said 'yes' to your proposal. It was a mistake. I was wrong and I am so sorry that I did that to you."
"You weren't wrong," he insisted. "We can be so good together, Natalia. I know it."
"Frank...no matter how much I want us to be, I can't. I tried." She was crying even harder now. "I wanted this to work so badly."
"So, what? You're telling me this is it?" He demanded. "This can't be it, Natalia. We haven't even gotten started yet. Tell me what it is. Is it something I've said or done? Why are you talking like this?"
"Frank, it's not you. It's me." She winced as soon as the words were out of her mouth. They were so ridiculous she couldn't believe she had said them.
His expression of disbelief said it all.
"I don't love you the way a wife should love her husband," Natalia blurted the words out in a rush while she still had the courage. She had waited too long to tell Frank all of these things, because she was scared, because it was hard and it hurt both of them. But her cowardice had only made this worse and succeeded in hurting Frank more when she had never wanted to hurt him at all. She owed it to him now to be completely honest with him before she made it even worse. He deserved a lot of things from her - to be the wife she had vowed she would be, for starters - but that was one promise she couldn't make good on. So she would give him this instead, the absolute truth.
"That will come," Frank insisted, reaching out to fold her small hands inside his larger ones. "I know we haven't been together very long, Natalia, but I promise it will be everything you think it should be. Just give us time to settle into things."
"Frank, it won't work."
"Why, Natalia? How can you be so sure?"
"Because I love someone else!"
The room sank into stunned silence, Frank because of her words and Natalia because she couldn't believe she had actually said it. For a moment Frank struggled visibly with what she had said and then a strange calm seemed to come over him.
"It's okay, Natalia."
"What?" That was the last thing she had expected him to say and it made no sense. There was no way that he could be okay with this.
"It's okay that you're still in love with Gus, Natalia. I get it. I still love Eleni, but you can't spend your whole life pining for someone who won't ever come back. It's no good. You have to learn how to love again and I want to do that with you. Please. Just give me a chance. If you do, you won't regret it."
"It's not Gus," Natalia whispered.
Frank recoiled as if she had slapped him. "Who?"
"Olivia."
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 1,323
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note:
rysler reminded me that I had already finished The Importance of Family, so now I'm not really sure what to say here. Apologies for all the angst, maybe? Beta:
jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic. Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six || Part Seven || Part Eight || Part Nine || Part Ten || Part Eleven || Part Twelve || Part Thirteen || Part Fourteen
Part Fifteen
She was sitting at the kitchen table, eyeing the Virgin Mary statue that stood on the counter on the opposite side of the room, when Frank got home. She heard the front door open and then close, but she didn't bother to call out to him or look up. She knew he would find her in just a moment. The farmhouse wasn't that big and he had to have seen her car in the drive when he pulled up.
"Hey!" Frank sounded delighted when he walked into the kitchen, his eyes lighting up when he saw her sitting there waiting for him. "You're home early. Did Olivia give you the afternoon off?" He leaned over to kiss her as he dropped his jacket on the back of the chair. She didn't turn away from his kiss, but she didn't turn toward him either.
Apparently Frank took her silence as an affirmative because when he stood up he was still grinning. "What's for dinner?" He added, as he glanced around the room. "I've been starving all day, thinking about one of your home-cooked meals tonight."
"Frank," Natalia said quiet in contrast to his eager enthusiasm. "We need to talk."
"Oh, okay." He sounded a little bit surprised as he looked down at her, but he didn't seem too worried as he sat. "Is this about your job?"
"What?" Work was the last thing on Natalia's mind at the moment. "No."
"I just thought...I mean, the other day when you said we needed to talk..."
"No, this is about...something else, Frank." How did someone start a conversation like this? Natalia wasn't sure. There was no good way that she could think of, no pleasant way for this to end. They were long past the point where she could get off this ride without anyone getting hurt, herself included. It was just a matter of minimizing the damage and deciding who would hurt now instead of being hurt even more later. At the moment, Natalia could hardly stand herself, but in the end she had realized that Father Ray was right. Telling the truth was always the right thing to do. "I'm sorry." It was the first, the only thing that Natalia could say. She knew it wouldn't mean anything to Frank when she was done, but she had to say it. She still cared about Frank as a friend and what she was about to do would hurt him badly.
"For what?" Frank asked, worry furrowing his brow as he reached forward and took her hand.
"I can't do this, Frank." She had started crying, tears running almost silent down her cheek even as she tried to hold them back.
"Can't do what, Baby? Make dinner? Because I can...it's not a big deal."
"Not that," Natalia broke in quickly. "This." She gestured between them. "Us. I can't be married to you." She hated herself for saying the words, but even as she said them it felt surreal. Never in her whole life had she imagined being a person who would say that.
"What?" Frank shook his head, still looking confused. "What are you saying?"
"I'm sorry, Frank." No matter how much she knew it wouldn't help, she couldn't stop saying it. "I'm so sorry. I should never have agreed to marry you in the first place. I made a horrible decision and I didn't mean to hurt you. You're a good man. You don't deserve this, but I can't be married to you."
"But...I thought you were happy." Frank blurted out in hurt confusion. "I thought you wanted to be with me. You said you loved me. We were happy."
But she never had. That was one lie she hadn't told, but it would be cruel even beyond what she was already doing to him to point that out to him now when she was finally telling the truth.
"I was happy. I was so happy having Rafe home - with me - for the first time in months, and I am so grateful to you for giving me that. You have no idea how much that means to me."
The blank shock in Frank's face subsided and Natalia could almost see him latch on to something else. "Maybe it's just Rafe. I mean, Rafe being gone. You're sad because he's your son and you miss him. That's natural, Natalia, but it will pass. You just need to give it some time. Give me more time to prove how happy I can make you."
"Frank..." Natalia's said pleadingly, begging him silently not to do this, not to make this any harder on either of them. "It's not just Rafe. It has nothing to do with Rafe. I shouldn't have said 'yes' to your proposal. It was a mistake. I was wrong and I am so sorry that I did that to you."
"You weren't wrong," he insisted. "We can be so good together, Natalia. I know it."
"Frank...no matter how much I want us to be, I can't. I tried." She was crying even harder now. "I wanted this to work so badly."
"So, what? You're telling me this is it?" He demanded. "This can't be it, Natalia. We haven't even gotten started yet. Tell me what it is. Is it something I've said or done? Why are you talking like this?"
"Frank, it's not you. It's me." She winced as soon as the words were out of her mouth. They were so ridiculous she couldn't believe she had said them.
His expression of disbelief said it all.
"I don't love you the way a wife should love her husband," Natalia blurted the words out in a rush while she still had the courage. She had waited too long to tell Frank all of these things, because she was scared, because it was hard and it hurt both of them. But her cowardice had only made this worse and succeeded in hurting Frank more when she had never wanted to hurt him at all. She owed it to him now to be completely honest with him before she made it even worse. He deserved a lot of things from her - to be the wife she had vowed she would be, for starters - but that was one promise she couldn't make good on. So she would give him this instead, the absolute truth.
"That will come," Frank insisted, reaching out to fold her small hands inside his larger ones. "I know we haven't been together very long, Natalia, but I promise it will be everything you think it should be. Just give us time to settle into things."
"Frank, it won't work."
"Why, Natalia? How can you be so sure?"
"Because I love someone else!"
The room sank into stunned silence, Frank because of her words and Natalia because she couldn't believe she had actually said it. For a moment Frank struggled visibly with what she had said and then a strange calm seemed to come over him.
"It's okay, Natalia."
"What?" That was the last thing she had expected him to say and it made no sense. There was no way that he could be okay with this.
"It's okay that you're still in love with Gus, Natalia. I get it. I still love Eleni, but you can't spend your whole life pining for someone who won't ever come back. It's no good. You have to learn how to love again and I want to do that with you. Please. Just give me a chance. If you do, you won't regret it."
"It's not Gus," Natalia whispered.
Frank recoiled as if she had slapped him. "Who?"
"Olivia."
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