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Title: Even If It Killed Her
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 1029
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note: I see you there, sitting behind your computer, wondering why I'm posting this when I haven't even finished The Importance of Family yet. And you're right, but I'm still putting the finishing touches on that one, and this is all finished. It's sitting here on my computer, staring at me, daring me to post it. So posting it, I am.
Beta:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four
Part Five
Frank lay next to her, his breathing relaxed and even, but not sleeping. He had one arm behind his head and the other wrapped possessively around her shoulders. Natalia lay as still as possible. Even breathing felt like too much. She just wanted to stop, to forget, to go back to how it had been before the wedding. It wasn't an option though; that bridge had already burned behind her. She had to go forward now, whatever that meant.
She felt like crying, but her eyes were dry. Natalia blinked again and then rolled away from Frank, sitting on the edge of the bed until she regained her balance and then walked toward the closet, her arms wrapped around herself. Against the chill of the room was what she told herself, but Frank's eyes on her back felt like an intrusion, not like she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Without a word, Natalia grabbed clothes from the closet and headed for the bathroom. The water was hot and the shower sent steam billowing up from the cool porcelain of the tub. She let the water rain over her and tried to forget about everything, tried to forget about Frank's hands on her, his skin against hers. It wasn't that the sex had been bad, but the truth that she could no longer deny was that it had all felt so wrong.
Natalia knew marriages took work. Despite her lack of familiarity with the institution she had never been blind to that fact or had rosy expectations that married life would be one big honeymoon. Life had its hardships and all marriage meant was that there was someone to weather the rocky moments with - that was if both people agreed on a course of action. There were always temptations: more beautiful people, lives that looked easier from the outside, morals that didn't quite match or arguments about money. She had always been determined that she would stick it out if she ever got married, no matter what. She was a good Catholic girl. She didn't do divorce. Whatever it was, she would find a way through.
But, this...this she didn't know how to change. She looked into the future and all she could see was a lifetime of awkward silences and what was quickly growing into revulsion every time Frank touched her. She didn't want it to be that way, but each time she couldn't help but compare it and by comparison, Frank always came up short. Of course, there were benefits: Rafe would have a stable two-parent home to come back to for the first time in his life and Frank would do his best to support her and care for her. It would also mean having someone to grow old with, a person she could always depend upon, to be there when she needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate with.
Her mind told her to wait and give this marriage time, give herself time to settle in and grow used to Frank and his ways. That was all it would take to get comfortable with him. Her heart screamed that she might get used to it in time, but that she would never truly be happy like this. The voice that was Olivia's in the back of her mind simply asked, But don't you want more?
She didn't know what to say.
There was a sharp knock on the bathroom door. It startled her so badly that she jumped, almost losing her balance and slipping in the slick tub.
"You okay, Baby? You've been in there quite a while."
"I'm..." She struggled to find an appropriate word. "Fine." Not really true, but it would work, and it wasn't as if Frank could help her with her current dilemma. That thought startled her and she hesitated, standing in the shower with the spray turned off and growing cold as she let it sink in. Frank, her husband, the person who was supposed to be her partner in life, couldn't help her. Not with this problem and there was no way that he would ever be able to because he wasn't Olivia. It was more than that though. It wasn't that she loved Olivia more, but that she didn't love Frank, not the way she should. In that instant Natalia knew with complete clarity that marrying Frank had been a mistake, the biggest one she had made in her life, bigger than gambling away the eighty thousand dollars she had gotten from the sale of Gus' house, even bigger than costing Olivia a heart to ensure she got married.
She was a woman who didn't give up; she had hung onto her first love for eighteen years and she could hang onto this marriage too. In time she could even grow comfortable with Frank, but would she ever love him the way he deserved to be loved? Settling for just okay was what she had done her whole life. The question was: was she ready to take a risk that could cost her everything - her son, her Church, the life she had so painstakingly built, one that was above reproach, even if her son was born out of wedlock - if it didn't work out? But it was more than that. She was stronger than that now. Olivia had shown her that she could do more than she had ever imagined. There was no reason she had to settle for a loveless marriage, no reason except she was terrified by something so powerful, a love that was more than she had ever imagined, and it was forcing her to contemplate something outside of the comfortable familiarity that had come to define her life.
It was overwhelming to think about everything, all the ways her life would change, the simplest things suddenly becoming harder, but...she had dealt with difficult before. It hadn't exactly been easy raising Rafael by herself and difficult didn't mean it wasn't worth doing.
Natalia took a shuddering breath and tried to pull herself together. One thing at a time. Olivia was right; she needed to talk to Frank.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Frank Cooper, Emma Spencer, Blake Marler, Rafe Rivera
Category: Angst, with a side of angst. Romance.
Rating: Eventually NC-17, though for most of it, it could probably past for oh, PG probably.
Word count: 1029
Summary: Olivia will do whatever is necessary to make Natalia happy, even if it kills her.
Spoilers: Takes place around late April, early May '09, and contains spoilers for all events therein.
Author's Note: I see you there, sitting behind your computer, wondering why I'm posting this when I haven't even finished The Importance of Family yet. And you're right, but I'm still putting the finishing touches on that one, and this is all finished. It's sitting here on my computer, staring at me, daring me to post it. So posting it, I am.
Beta:
jlynxi was awesome enough to beta this for me. It's very much appreciated because I know this is a lot of fic! And I should definitely give a big shout out to rysler for letting me bounce ideas off of her throughout the whole process of writing this fic. Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
And really I only have one more thing to say, but I think ya'll are going to like it: daily posts!
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four
Part Five
Frank lay next to her, his breathing relaxed and even, but not sleeping. He had one arm behind his head and the other wrapped possessively around her shoulders. Natalia lay as still as possible. Even breathing felt like too much. She just wanted to stop, to forget, to go back to how it had been before the wedding. It wasn't an option though; that bridge had already burned behind her. She had to go forward now, whatever that meant.
She felt like crying, but her eyes were dry. Natalia blinked again and then rolled away from Frank, sitting on the edge of the bed until she regained her balance and then walked toward the closet, her arms wrapped around herself. Against the chill of the room was what she told herself, but Frank's eyes on her back felt like an intrusion, not like she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Without a word, Natalia grabbed clothes from the closet and headed for the bathroom. The water was hot and the shower sent steam billowing up from the cool porcelain of the tub. She let the water rain over her and tried to forget about everything, tried to forget about Frank's hands on her, his skin against hers. It wasn't that the sex had been bad, but the truth that she could no longer deny was that it had all felt so wrong.
Natalia knew marriages took work. Despite her lack of familiarity with the institution she had never been blind to that fact or had rosy expectations that married life would be one big honeymoon. Life had its hardships and all marriage meant was that there was someone to weather the rocky moments with - that was if both people agreed on a course of action. There were always temptations: more beautiful people, lives that looked easier from the outside, morals that didn't quite match or arguments about money. She had always been determined that she would stick it out if she ever got married, no matter what. She was a good Catholic girl. She didn't do divorce. Whatever it was, she would find a way through.
But, this...this she didn't know how to change. She looked into the future and all she could see was a lifetime of awkward silences and what was quickly growing into revulsion every time Frank touched her. She didn't want it to be that way, but each time she couldn't help but compare it and by comparison, Frank always came up short. Of course, there were benefits: Rafe would have a stable two-parent home to come back to for the first time in his life and Frank would do his best to support her and care for her. It would also mean having someone to grow old with, a person she could always depend upon, to be there when she needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate with.
Her mind told her to wait and give this marriage time, give herself time to settle in and grow used to Frank and his ways. That was all it would take to get comfortable with him. Her heart screamed that she might get used to it in time, but that she would never truly be happy like this. The voice that was Olivia's in the back of her mind simply asked, But don't you want more?
She didn't know what to say.
There was a sharp knock on the bathroom door. It startled her so badly that she jumped, almost losing her balance and slipping in the slick tub.
"You okay, Baby? You've been in there quite a while."
"I'm..." She struggled to find an appropriate word. "Fine." Not really true, but it would work, and it wasn't as if Frank could help her with her current dilemma. That thought startled her and she hesitated, standing in the shower with the spray turned off and growing cold as she let it sink in. Frank, her husband, the person who was supposed to be her partner in life, couldn't help her. Not with this problem and there was no way that he would ever be able to because he wasn't Olivia. It was more than that though. It wasn't that she loved Olivia more, but that she didn't love Frank, not the way she should. In that instant Natalia knew with complete clarity that marrying Frank had been a mistake, the biggest one she had made in her life, bigger than gambling away the eighty thousand dollars she had gotten from the sale of Gus' house, even bigger than costing Olivia a heart to ensure she got married.
She was a woman who didn't give up; she had hung onto her first love for eighteen years and she could hang onto this marriage too. In time she could even grow comfortable with Frank, but would she ever love him the way he deserved to be loved? Settling for just okay was what she had done her whole life. The question was: was she ready to take a risk that could cost her everything - her son, her Church, the life she had so painstakingly built, one that was above reproach, even if her son was born out of wedlock - if it didn't work out? But it was more than that. She was stronger than that now. Olivia had shown her that she could do more than she had ever imagined. There was no reason she had to settle for a loveless marriage, no reason except she was terrified by something so powerful, a love that was more than she had ever imagined, and it was forcing her to contemplate something outside of the comfortable familiarity that had come to define her life.
It was overwhelming to think about everything, all the ways her life would change, the simplest things suddenly becoming harder, but...she had dealt with difficult before. It hadn't exactly been easy raising Rafael by herself and difficult didn't mean it wasn't worth doing.
Natalia took a shuddering breath and tried to pull herself together. One thing at a time. Olivia was right; she needed to talk to Frank.
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