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Title: The Importance of Family
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Ava Peralta, Emma Spencer, Jeffrey O'neil
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: R...I'm gonna say because there are some disturbing themes explored in here and some violence, although I don't think either is described in graphic detail.
Word count: 3,993
Summary: Life goes on. Sometimes it throws you a curveball and you never know what's coming your way on any given day.
Spoilers: Takes place around Thanksgiving '10, and includes the events of the finale.
Author's Note: This fic is solely for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kelltwomyn. I was bemoaning the fact that I wasn't going to be able to afford a Venice subscription and she swooped in and got when for me when I said I'd be willing to offer fic in exchange. I hope this fic is both somewhat what you were hoping for and also worth your ten bucks and the wait. I really have enjoyed Venice so far. Thank you. :)
Beta: Many thanks toq_wordy13 for beta'ing this for me! Your insights, comments, suggestions and encouragement have all been very much appreciated! :D
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Warning: This story eventually deals with Olivia's rape. I don't think it's discussed graphically, but I don't want anyone to stumble upon it unaware either.
Author's Note 2.0: As of now, Incandescent Fire is still down. As soon as it comes back up, I'll cross post this there as usual.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six
Part Seven
Olivia rapped her knuckles lightly against the door frame but it wasn't necessary, Ava was sitting on the corner of the bed, one leg pulled up and the other dangling off the edge.
"Is he still here?"
"No," Olivia said simply. "Natalia told him you weren't up yet." She mentioned it, even though she wasn't sure Ava would understand the significance of Natalia's lie, because she wanted her to know and appreciate what Natalia had done. Lying was no small thing to Natalia; it was something she took very seriously and the fact that she had been willing to do it on Ava's behalf spoke volumes - even if they were volumes Ava didn't know how to decipher yet. Olivia hadn't missed the tension between them the night before and she didn't want it to linger. She loved them both and it was important to her that they got along.
"Good." Ava said firmly. She shook her head. "I just can't right now, Mom."
Her final word hit Olivia with all of the impact of an asteroid finally ending its headlong rush through the heavens by running into the earth. Part of her hurt for Ava and hated that she was both angry at Jeffrey and miserable, but a larger part of her wanted to melt and jump for joy at the same time. With effort she managed to tamp down her feelings. Ava would interpret a smile right now in all the wrong ways and that was the last thing she wanted.
"No one's saying you have to," Olivia said, in a slightly choked voice, looking down until she could be sure that her face revealed nothing more than she wanted to show. "You can stay here as long as you want." She sighed, some of her previous excitement draining away in the face of the realities of the situation. "But if you were serious about moving back here, you won't be able to avoid him forever."
"I did mean it," Ava said, as if she was expecting Olivia to dispute her statement.
"I'm glad," Olivia said quickly, but fervently.
A weak smile flashed across Ava's face for a moment before it was lost again. She fiddled with the hem of her jeans for a moment before she looked back up at Olivia. "I just don't know what to say to him."
"Bullshit." The word was spoken softly but with utter conviction. If she had hesitated to think about it, Olivia wouldn't have said it. Things were still so fragile between them, more so than they had been in a long time, and she was well aware that one wrong word could blow it all up in their faces. She couldn't just stand there and pretend though, not when it was clear that Ava had more on her mind than just that. She was Olivia Spencer. Calling people on their shit was what she did and she couldn't bury who she was forever, not even for Ava. They would have to find away to get along together, not as some watered down versions of themselves but as who they actually were, or it would never work in the long run. "You know exactly what you want to tell him; you're just afraid of what will happen next."
Ava's head snapped up, her mouth opening to contradict what Olivia had just said and then she faltered. It took her a moment before she started again. "I am scared because part of me hates him." Olivia remembered this tone of voice. After all, she'd heard it often enough after she had told Ava that she was her daughter - vulnerable, tired, and filled with pain and bitterness.
"Why?"
This time Ava looked incredulous. "Because he faked his death. He lied to all of us and he didn't care how badly it hurt when we thought he was dead." She hesitated and then added. "He hurt you."
Olivia's quick in-drawn breath was sucked down so sharply that it was clearly audible. She crossed the room with precise, determined steps and sat down on the bed beside Ava, close but with a few feet still separating them.
"Ava, honey, I-" She shook her head and looked down. "What Jeffrey did was a long time ago. We were both drunk."
"It doesn't matter," Ava cut in. "If that happened to me in some club, would you say that I should just drop it? You would kill the guy."
Olivia's jaw clenched at the mere thought. Ava was exactly right. If anyone tried to harm her daughters she would be all over them so quickly they wouldn't even know what had hit them. It was why she had been so furious with Jeffrey the day before. "I would," she acknowledged, emotion making her voice raw.
"Then how can you just-"
"Because he's a good father." Olivia cut her off before she could finish her question. "Because when you found out that I was your mother, you needed him." The words spilled out of her, leaving something jagged and torn in their wake, the admission ripping open old wounds, wounds that hadn't really had a chance to heal, but merely been taped over to allow for something to be built on top of it.
Ava sniffled. "I'm sorry."
"Don't," Olivia breathed the word with a curt shake of her head. She couldn't hear this from Ava. It would be her undoing and on top of everything else she couldn't deal with it.
Ava looked uncertain and for a moment, Olivia thought she would continue. Then her face shifted and it was clear her decision had been made. "Okay," she whispered.
They sat there together in silence, Olivia collecting herself slowly and Ava just being allowing her mind to wander, not thinking about anything in particular but everything in general.
"I don't know how to reconcile the man he's always been for me with what he did."
Olivia shrugged. It was a question she often struggled with, not necessarily in terms of Jeffrey, but in her own life. She had done things - despicable things - in the name of getting what she wanted or protecting what she thought was necessary. Most of them had turned out to be a disaster, not just for the other people involved, but for her as well. Ending up with Natalia in her life, a woman who incredibly loved her more than Olivia had ever thought possible, and a group of family and friends larger than anything Olivia had had since she was a little girl, seemed like an excess of riches that she certainly didn't deserve. Usually she just resolved not to look a gift horse in the mouth and turned her mind to more pressing matters.
"You're asking the wrong person," Olivia said finally. "That's more Natalia's department than mine."
Ava snorted softly and tilted her head to look over at Olivia. "So what would she say?"
"You could ask her yourself," Olivia pointed out gently.
"Mom," Ava countered, letting her know with that single syllable that she knew what Olivia was implying and pushing for and that she also wasn't ready.
Olivia sighed. "Fine. She would say that people do good and bad things, but it doesn't define them. You can always start making different choices. It doesn't mean that it erases what's been done in the past; just that you should do what's right for its own end, not to earn some kind of redemption or praise from other people."
"And what do you think?"
"I think that I'm lucky that Natalia believes in me and loves me for who I am, despite the mistakes I've made." Who she thinks you are, the niggling voice in the back of her head pointed out all too obligingly. She doesn't know everything.
"So you think I should give him another chance?"
"I think you should do what's right for you," Olivia said, meeting her eye and hoping that she wouldn't end up regretting those words. She hadn't lied when she had said that she wouldn't forgive Jeffrey for endangering Ava and Emma and she certainly wouldn't forget it, but she knew how important Jeffrey was to Ava. Out of the two of them she had bonded with Jeffrey first, and most easily, while her relationship with Olivia would always be fraught with complications. Despite what she might think of Jeffrey and his judgment at the moment, pushing Jeffrey out of her life completely would only succeed in hurting Ava more, and she didn't want that.
"The one time I invite you to meddle in my life and give specific advice, you tell me to do what I think is best?" Ava questioned wryly. "You really have changed."
"Don't get used to it," Olivia warned with an arch of her eyebrow that dared her daughter to push it farther. Natalia had changed her, not tamed her.
Olivia cocked her head, hearing the faint sound of the front door closing. She had grown attuned to the sound over the years given Emma's penchant for disappearing. Her brow furrowed in confusion as thoughts of who was at the door distracted her. It only took her a moment to remember that Frank was supposed to pick up Francesca for the day. A quick glance at the clock on the bedside table confirmed that the early hours of the morning had slipped away and now it was growing late. The front door would be Frank leaving and she had missed her chance to kiss her daughter good bye - no matter that she would be back by the end of the day - she would still miss her.
Turning back to Ava, she tried to distract herself. "Well, Francesca's gone, but Emma's still here. We should probably wake her up for breakfast. I'm sure Natalia has something going by now and we have a lot to do today."
Ava laughed. "Uh, correction. You have a lot to do today. Me, I'm a guest. I should be exempt from chores."
Olivia patted her shoulder as she rose. "You keep telling yourself that, Sweetheart."
"Oh, come on. You're not going to make me-"
"Not me," Olivia cut in. "Natalia."
Now Ava just looked confused. "Natalia? Please, Mom. She has to be the least confrontational person I've ever met. Well," she blushed. "Besides the other night."
"No, she won't force you to do anything. You'll just find yourself doing something you had no intention of doing and it will seem like your idea." Olivia shook her head. "You're no match for her persuasive powers."
"Right." Ava said doubtfully as she followed Olivia out of the bedroom and down the hall toward Emma's room. "I think you're exaggerating."
"Just wait and see," Olivia said over her shoulder. "Wait and see."
*** *** ***
Ava did not wait. In fact, she forgot about their conversation completely. There was breakfast and it was far from the awkward, tension filled mess that she had been expecting. Emma, like her other mommy, was a morning person and the animated conversation that she had started ended up flowing freely once the other Spencer women had been sufficiently caffeinated. After breakfast there was a whirlwind of things to do and errands to run, groceries that needed to be gotten for the celebrations over the next two days and little details that needed to be taken care of ahead of time.
Seeing the 'to do' list that Natalia casually handed across the table to her mother had prompted her to volunteer to help with something despite her earlier comments to Olivia. Natalia, however, had politely declined, stating that it was nothing that she and Olivia couldn't handle together and that the biggest thing she could do to help would be to hang out with Emma for the day. Originally she was supposed to have gone along and helped either Olivia or Natalia, but they would be able to get things done more quickly on their own and Emma would definitely be having more fun at the farmhouse than with them. Hanging out with Emma was preferable to being put to work, so Ava had agreed quickly and they had indulged in cartoons - not the Sunday morning variety, but thanks to five hundred channels, almost as good - until they had gotten bored and switched to a variety of video games. After the third time Emma had beaten the stuffing out of her at a cheerful, simple child's game, Ava had declared it to be lunch time. The fact that it was still early and they were both stuffed from Natalia's hearty breakfast wasn't worth mentioning.
Eventually, however, Ava did see what Olivia had meant.
Emma burst into the living room, dragging her hand down the hallway, catching the corner and using her momentum to swing herself around to face Ava before she blew through the living room entirely.
"Natalia said we could go feed the ducks. Wanna come?"
Ava did not, not really. She had gotten more than one or two emails from Emma detailing her exploits with the ducks and while she was happy that Emma had something that she enjoyed so much, ducks really were not her thing. She had never particularly been nature girl and it just didn't appeal. On the other hand, staying inside would mean staying inside alone with Natalia. Olivia was still out running last minute errands and Francesca wasn't due back for hours yet. There would be no one there to run interference for them and while they had a lot to talk about, Ava wasn't sure she was ready to deal with any of just yet.
"Sure, that sounds fun."
Emma grabbed her hand was pulling her out the door before she had a chance to reconsider. Ava was barely able to grab her jacket as Emma pushed her out the door and into the cold, autumn air. When they rounded the corner of the house and Ava saw Natalia standing there expectantly, waiting for them with a bag of bread in her hand, she winced. She saw clearly how this was going to go. Emma with her youthful exuberance would run ahead, leaving her and Natalia alone as they trailed along behind her. It wasn't a setup precisely, but it did the job effectively enough, and it wasn't like she could just turn around and head back to the house, pretending she'd suddenly lost interest in the ducks. It would be blindingly obvious that the ducks weren't what she was trying to avoid. She might have adopted avoidance as a strategy, but she wouldn't be out-right rude. That would be going too far and she and Natalia already had enough to discuss.
So Ava plastered a cheery smile on her face and swung Emma's hand back in forth in an exaggerated, sweeping arc that made Emma giggle. "Let's see these ducks then, shall we? I've heard so much about them."
Natalia smiled, but Ava didn't miss the knowing look in her eye that said she wasn't buying what Ava was selling.
As she had predicted - if only to herself - Emma bounded ahead of them almost immediately, but contrary to her expectations, Natalia didn't say anything. The silence lingered, growing awkward and strained. There were too many things that neither of them was saying for it to be comfortable, and Ava couldn't think of anything innocuous to say. She refused to discuss the weather. There were levels she wouldn't sink to, and bringing up the weather just reeked of desperation.
Finally Ava couldn't take it any longer; she stopped and pivoted to face Natalia. It took her a few steps to realize that Ava wasn't with her anymore and she raised a hand to shield her eyes from the sun as she turned back to look at her.
"Coming?"
Ava shook her head. "No, not until we settle this."
Now Natalia looked confused. "Settle what?"
"I know I acted like, like..." Ava stumbled around trying to find a suitable noun that wouldn't offend Natalia's sensibilities, although how she managed to deal with Olivia on a daily basis if she really was that much of a delicate flower... "A jerk." Ava finished lamely. "Last night wasn't my proudest moment."
Natalia gave her a small smile. "We've all done things we regret," she said, as she began walking again.
"That's it?" The words flew out of Ava's mouth before she could think better of them. She knew not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but really given the silence they had simmered in and the setup that had preceded it; she had been expecting something more.
"I guess it is." Natalia stopped walking and frowned as she wrapped her arms around her waist. "I'm sorry. I've just been distracted, thinking about something Frank said when he stopped by to pick up Francesca this morning."
"So you're, you're not mad about last night?" Ava fought the urge to fidget. Her own nervousness irritated her. It was easier to be annoyed about it than to actually be nervous.
"Mad? No." Natalia shook her head. "I hate that you and Olivia fought; I hope it doesn't happen again." She seemed agitated and Ava couldn't quite figure out why, not unless she was more upset than she was admitting. It was a possibility, but from everything she had heard about Natalia she expected Natalia to be straight forward and honest with her, not playing the games that so many in Springfield had and still did. "I understand that everything isn't always going to be perfect, but it's been a very difficult year and I would just like my family to be happy."
With the toe of her boot, Ava nudged a small rock, pushing it further into the ground, and watched it intently, focusing on it, instead of looking back up at Natalia. "And am I included in that?" She asked in a small voice. She wasn't sure why it mattered so much to her that Natalia thought of her as family; they barely knew each other. Her opinion seemed to matter very much to Olivia though, and maybe that was why she was asking, because she needed to know where they all stood.
"Of course, you are," Natalia answered quickly. "Of course. I know we don't know each other very well yet, but you're very important to Olivia and Emma loves you so much. She wants to be just like you with Francesca - the best big sister a girl can have."
Ava bit her lip. "So we're okay?"
"Are we?" Natalia's question surprised her; she wasn't sure where it was going. Everything had seemed fine just a moment before. Her confusion must have shown on her face because Natalia continued. "I know Olivia told you about us when I was gone this summer and last night you said something..." Her voice trailed off for a moment before she seemed to pull herself together again and straighten to face Ava. "So if you have a problem with me because of what I did, I'd like to know it now."
This time her forthrightness did surprise Ava. She hadn't expected that subject to be brought up, especially by Natalia herself, and the mention of what she had said the night before brought an entirely unwelcome flush of embarrassment with it.
"Olivia certainly seems to have gotten past it."
"She loves me," Natalia said, with a slight shake of her head. "When I left-" She looked over at Ava to make sure she knew what was referring to. "I felt like I was being punished. Loving her was so overwhelming, more than I had ever felt. It was too much. It felt so good that it couldn't be right, you know? Everyone else was telling me that it was a sin, and I had been so sure, right up until the moment that I found out I was pregnant, that it wasn't, that what we had was right and good. And then," she took a deep breath. "And then I got so scared, and I wondered if I had been deluding myself all along because I had wanted it so badly, that I had just tried to make it right when it wasn't." She glanced over at Ava again. "That's why I left, because I was scared that I was being punished for loving Olivia and that as part of that punishment I would lose her.
"Saying it out loud, it doesn't make any sense, but to me, at the time, it did." She looked down, seemingly deep in thought. "What I realized was that I wasn't being punished. What I felt for Olivia wasn't a sin; it was a blessing. She is my blessing and I'm so grateful to have her in my life. I cherish every day I have with her."
"Wow." After a speech like that Ava was beginning to understand how Olivia had forgiven her. If she was fortunate, someone might talk about her like that one day. "I don't know what to say."
"Say whatever you're thinking."
"I think I'm glad that Olivia found someone who loves her so much," Ava said, weighing her words carefully as she spoke them. "But if you ever-"
"I won't," Natalia cut her off before she could finish her threat. It wasn't necessary. "I know where I'm supposed to be now and I won't ever leave her again."
"Then that's good enough for me." It was odd to be giving Natalia her approval when she was the one who felt like she needed to make amends, but Natalia had asked.
"Good." They stood there for a moment, taking one another's measure until Natalia seemed satisfied. She tilted her head toward the pond. "We should probably go before Emma starts to wonder what's taking us so long."
Ava glanced in the direction Natalia had indicated, catching a glimpse of Emma tossing a piece of bread to a nearby duck and then looking back over her shoulder at them. "Definitely." Impulsively she looped her arm through Natalia's as they started walking again. She tensed, unsure how Natalia would react and let out a relieved breath when all Natalia did was flash her a bright smile. "So what did Frank say? I mean, if it wasn't something private?"
Natalia dismissed it with a wave of her hand. "You know, it was nothing."
"It didn't seem like nothing earlier," Ava pointed out.
"You're right," Natalia admitted. "But what we were talking about reminded me about what's really important and what Frank was saying...I can't control what he was saying and I don't even know whether it was true or not, but it doesn't matter." She held her hand over her heart. "I know - in here - everything I need to know."
"That's some kind of faith," Ava said, with not a little disbelief. She had never had blind faith in the goodness of people, not even when she had been a child. In her experience, people were always out in for their own interests, first and foremost. After that, if it didn't hurt them, then they would sometimes consider helping others. It wasn't a pretty way to live, but for her life those had been the facts. The few times that she had tried to believe in something different, in the goodness in others, she had been proven wrong.
"It's worth it, when you find the right person."
"And I haven't yet."
"You will."
Ava laughed uncomfortably. "You sound so sure about that."
"When I was sixteen, I thought I had lost my chance for good - lost the only man I would ever love - and in the end I found something so much more." She laid her hand over Ava's on her arm. "Don't give up on it, just give it time."
"And look in unexpected places?" She teased Natalia gently.
She smiled wryly. "That too."
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Ava Peralta, Emma Spencer, Jeffrey O'neil
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: R...I'm gonna say because there are some disturbing themes explored in here and some violence, although I don't think either is described in graphic detail.
Word count: 3,993
Summary: Life goes on. Sometimes it throws you a curveball and you never know what's coming your way on any given day.
Spoilers: Takes place around Thanksgiving '10, and includes the events of the finale.
Author's Note: This fic is solely for
kelltwomyn. I was bemoaning the fact that I wasn't going to be able to afford a Venice subscription and she swooped in and got when for me when I said I'd be willing to offer fic in exchange. I hope this fic is both somewhat what you were hoping for and also worth your ten bucks and the wait. I really have enjoyed Venice so far. Thank you. :) Beta: Many thanks to
q_wordy13 for beta'ing this for me! Your insights, comments, suggestions and encouragement have all been very much appreciated! :D Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Warning: This story eventually deals with Olivia's rape. I don't think it's discussed graphically, but I don't want anyone to stumble upon it unaware either.
Author's Note 2.0: As of now, Incandescent Fire is still down. As soon as it comes back up, I'll cross post this there as usual.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four || Part Five || Part Six
Part Seven
Olivia rapped her knuckles lightly against the door frame but it wasn't necessary, Ava was sitting on the corner of the bed, one leg pulled up and the other dangling off the edge.
"Is he still here?"
"No," Olivia said simply. "Natalia told him you weren't up yet." She mentioned it, even though she wasn't sure Ava would understand the significance of Natalia's lie, because she wanted her to know and appreciate what Natalia had done. Lying was no small thing to Natalia; it was something she took very seriously and the fact that she had been willing to do it on Ava's behalf spoke volumes - even if they were volumes Ava didn't know how to decipher yet. Olivia hadn't missed the tension between them the night before and she didn't want it to linger. She loved them both and it was important to her that they got along.
"Good." Ava said firmly. She shook her head. "I just can't right now, Mom."
Her final word hit Olivia with all of the impact of an asteroid finally ending its headlong rush through the heavens by running into the earth. Part of her hurt for Ava and hated that she was both angry at Jeffrey and miserable, but a larger part of her wanted to melt and jump for joy at the same time. With effort she managed to tamp down her feelings. Ava would interpret a smile right now in all the wrong ways and that was the last thing she wanted.
"No one's saying you have to," Olivia said, in a slightly choked voice, looking down until she could be sure that her face revealed nothing more than she wanted to show. "You can stay here as long as you want." She sighed, some of her previous excitement draining away in the face of the realities of the situation. "But if you were serious about moving back here, you won't be able to avoid him forever."
"I did mean it," Ava said, as if she was expecting Olivia to dispute her statement.
"I'm glad," Olivia said quickly, but fervently.
A weak smile flashed across Ava's face for a moment before it was lost again. She fiddled with the hem of her jeans for a moment before she looked back up at Olivia. "I just don't know what to say to him."
"Bullshit." The word was spoken softly but with utter conviction. If she had hesitated to think about it, Olivia wouldn't have said it. Things were still so fragile between them, more so than they had been in a long time, and she was well aware that one wrong word could blow it all up in their faces. She couldn't just stand there and pretend though, not when it was clear that Ava had more on her mind than just that. She was Olivia Spencer. Calling people on their shit was what she did and she couldn't bury who she was forever, not even for Ava. They would have to find away to get along together, not as some watered down versions of themselves but as who they actually were, or it would never work in the long run. "You know exactly what you want to tell him; you're just afraid of what will happen next."
Ava's head snapped up, her mouth opening to contradict what Olivia had just said and then she faltered. It took her a moment before she started again. "I am scared because part of me hates him." Olivia remembered this tone of voice. After all, she'd heard it often enough after she had told Ava that she was her daughter - vulnerable, tired, and filled with pain and bitterness.
"Why?"
This time Ava looked incredulous. "Because he faked his death. He lied to all of us and he didn't care how badly it hurt when we thought he was dead." She hesitated and then added. "He hurt you."
Olivia's quick in-drawn breath was sucked down so sharply that it was clearly audible. She crossed the room with precise, determined steps and sat down on the bed beside Ava, close but with a few feet still separating them.
"Ava, honey, I-" She shook her head and looked down. "What Jeffrey did was a long time ago. We were both drunk."
"It doesn't matter," Ava cut in. "If that happened to me in some club, would you say that I should just drop it? You would kill the guy."
Olivia's jaw clenched at the mere thought. Ava was exactly right. If anyone tried to harm her daughters she would be all over them so quickly they wouldn't even know what had hit them. It was why she had been so furious with Jeffrey the day before. "I would," she acknowledged, emotion making her voice raw.
"Then how can you just-"
"Because he's a good father." Olivia cut her off before she could finish her question. "Because when you found out that I was your mother, you needed him." The words spilled out of her, leaving something jagged and torn in their wake, the admission ripping open old wounds, wounds that hadn't really had a chance to heal, but merely been taped over to allow for something to be built on top of it.
Ava sniffled. "I'm sorry."
"Don't," Olivia breathed the word with a curt shake of her head. She couldn't hear this from Ava. It would be her undoing and on top of everything else she couldn't deal with it.
Ava looked uncertain and for a moment, Olivia thought she would continue. Then her face shifted and it was clear her decision had been made. "Okay," she whispered.
They sat there together in silence, Olivia collecting herself slowly and Ava just being allowing her mind to wander, not thinking about anything in particular but everything in general.
"I don't know how to reconcile the man he's always been for me with what he did."
Olivia shrugged. It was a question she often struggled with, not necessarily in terms of Jeffrey, but in her own life. She had done things - despicable things - in the name of getting what she wanted or protecting what she thought was necessary. Most of them had turned out to be a disaster, not just for the other people involved, but for her as well. Ending up with Natalia in her life, a woman who incredibly loved her more than Olivia had ever thought possible, and a group of family and friends larger than anything Olivia had had since she was a little girl, seemed like an excess of riches that she certainly didn't deserve. Usually she just resolved not to look a gift horse in the mouth and turned her mind to more pressing matters.
"You're asking the wrong person," Olivia said finally. "That's more Natalia's department than mine."
Ava snorted softly and tilted her head to look over at Olivia. "So what would she say?"
"You could ask her yourself," Olivia pointed out gently.
"Mom," Ava countered, letting her know with that single syllable that she knew what Olivia was implying and pushing for and that she also wasn't ready.
Olivia sighed. "Fine. She would say that people do good and bad things, but it doesn't define them. You can always start making different choices. It doesn't mean that it erases what's been done in the past; just that you should do what's right for its own end, not to earn some kind of redemption or praise from other people."
"And what do you think?"
"I think that I'm lucky that Natalia believes in me and loves me for who I am, despite the mistakes I've made." Who she thinks you are, the niggling voice in the back of her head pointed out all too obligingly. She doesn't know everything.
"So you think I should give him another chance?"
"I think you should do what's right for you," Olivia said, meeting her eye and hoping that she wouldn't end up regretting those words. She hadn't lied when she had said that she wouldn't forgive Jeffrey for endangering Ava and Emma and she certainly wouldn't forget it, but she knew how important Jeffrey was to Ava. Out of the two of them she had bonded with Jeffrey first, and most easily, while her relationship with Olivia would always be fraught with complications. Despite what she might think of Jeffrey and his judgment at the moment, pushing Jeffrey out of her life completely would only succeed in hurting Ava more, and she didn't want that.
"The one time I invite you to meddle in my life and give specific advice, you tell me to do what I think is best?" Ava questioned wryly. "You really have changed."
"Don't get used to it," Olivia warned with an arch of her eyebrow that dared her daughter to push it farther. Natalia had changed her, not tamed her.
Olivia cocked her head, hearing the faint sound of the front door closing. She had grown attuned to the sound over the years given Emma's penchant for disappearing. Her brow furrowed in confusion as thoughts of who was at the door distracted her. It only took her a moment to remember that Frank was supposed to pick up Francesca for the day. A quick glance at the clock on the bedside table confirmed that the early hours of the morning had slipped away and now it was growing late. The front door would be Frank leaving and she had missed her chance to kiss her daughter good bye - no matter that she would be back by the end of the day - she would still miss her.
Turning back to Ava, she tried to distract herself. "Well, Francesca's gone, but Emma's still here. We should probably wake her up for breakfast. I'm sure Natalia has something going by now and we have a lot to do today."
Ava laughed. "Uh, correction. You have a lot to do today. Me, I'm a guest. I should be exempt from chores."
Olivia patted her shoulder as she rose. "You keep telling yourself that, Sweetheart."
"Oh, come on. You're not going to make me-"
"Not me," Olivia cut in. "Natalia."
Now Ava just looked confused. "Natalia? Please, Mom. She has to be the least confrontational person I've ever met. Well," she blushed. "Besides the other night."
"No, she won't force you to do anything. You'll just find yourself doing something you had no intention of doing and it will seem like your idea." Olivia shook her head. "You're no match for her persuasive powers."
"Right." Ava said doubtfully as she followed Olivia out of the bedroom and down the hall toward Emma's room. "I think you're exaggerating."
"Just wait and see," Olivia said over her shoulder. "Wait and see."
*** *** ***
Ava did not wait. In fact, she forgot about their conversation completely. There was breakfast and it was far from the awkward, tension filled mess that she had been expecting. Emma, like her other mommy, was a morning person and the animated conversation that she had started ended up flowing freely once the other Spencer women had been sufficiently caffeinated. After breakfast there was a whirlwind of things to do and errands to run, groceries that needed to be gotten for the celebrations over the next two days and little details that needed to be taken care of ahead of time.
Seeing the 'to do' list that Natalia casually handed across the table to her mother had prompted her to volunteer to help with something despite her earlier comments to Olivia. Natalia, however, had politely declined, stating that it was nothing that she and Olivia couldn't handle together and that the biggest thing she could do to help would be to hang out with Emma for the day. Originally she was supposed to have gone along and helped either Olivia or Natalia, but they would be able to get things done more quickly on their own and Emma would definitely be having more fun at the farmhouse than with them. Hanging out with Emma was preferable to being put to work, so Ava had agreed quickly and they had indulged in cartoons - not the Sunday morning variety, but thanks to five hundred channels, almost as good - until they had gotten bored and switched to a variety of video games. After the third time Emma had beaten the stuffing out of her at a cheerful, simple child's game, Ava had declared it to be lunch time. The fact that it was still early and they were both stuffed from Natalia's hearty breakfast wasn't worth mentioning.
Eventually, however, Ava did see what Olivia had meant.
Emma burst into the living room, dragging her hand down the hallway, catching the corner and using her momentum to swing herself around to face Ava before she blew through the living room entirely.
"Natalia said we could go feed the ducks. Wanna come?"
Ava did not, not really. She had gotten more than one or two emails from Emma detailing her exploits with the ducks and while she was happy that Emma had something that she enjoyed so much, ducks really were not her thing. She had never particularly been nature girl and it just didn't appeal. On the other hand, staying inside would mean staying inside alone with Natalia. Olivia was still out running last minute errands and Francesca wasn't due back for hours yet. There would be no one there to run interference for them and while they had a lot to talk about, Ava wasn't sure she was ready to deal with any of just yet.
"Sure, that sounds fun."
Emma grabbed her hand was pulling her out the door before she had a chance to reconsider. Ava was barely able to grab her jacket as Emma pushed her out the door and into the cold, autumn air. When they rounded the corner of the house and Ava saw Natalia standing there expectantly, waiting for them with a bag of bread in her hand, she winced. She saw clearly how this was going to go. Emma with her youthful exuberance would run ahead, leaving her and Natalia alone as they trailed along behind her. It wasn't a setup precisely, but it did the job effectively enough, and it wasn't like she could just turn around and head back to the house, pretending she'd suddenly lost interest in the ducks. It would be blindingly obvious that the ducks weren't what she was trying to avoid. She might have adopted avoidance as a strategy, but she wouldn't be out-right rude. That would be going too far and she and Natalia already had enough to discuss.
So Ava plastered a cheery smile on her face and swung Emma's hand back in forth in an exaggerated, sweeping arc that made Emma giggle. "Let's see these ducks then, shall we? I've heard so much about them."
Natalia smiled, but Ava didn't miss the knowing look in her eye that said she wasn't buying what Ava was selling.
As she had predicted - if only to herself - Emma bounded ahead of them almost immediately, but contrary to her expectations, Natalia didn't say anything. The silence lingered, growing awkward and strained. There were too many things that neither of them was saying for it to be comfortable, and Ava couldn't think of anything innocuous to say. She refused to discuss the weather. There were levels she wouldn't sink to, and bringing up the weather just reeked of desperation.
Finally Ava couldn't take it any longer; she stopped and pivoted to face Natalia. It took her a few steps to realize that Ava wasn't with her anymore and she raised a hand to shield her eyes from the sun as she turned back to look at her.
"Coming?"
Ava shook her head. "No, not until we settle this."
Now Natalia looked confused. "Settle what?"
"I know I acted like, like..." Ava stumbled around trying to find a suitable noun that wouldn't offend Natalia's sensibilities, although how she managed to deal with Olivia on a daily basis if she really was that much of a delicate flower... "A jerk." Ava finished lamely. "Last night wasn't my proudest moment."
Natalia gave her a small smile. "We've all done things we regret," she said, as she began walking again.
"That's it?" The words flew out of Ava's mouth before she could think better of them. She knew not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but really given the silence they had simmered in and the setup that had preceded it; she had been expecting something more.
"I guess it is." Natalia stopped walking and frowned as she wrapped her arms around her waist. "I'm sorry. I've just been distracted, thinking about something Frank said when he stopped by to pick up Francesca this morning."
"So you're, you're not mad about last night?" Ava fought the urge to fidget. Her own nervousness irritated her. It was easier to be annoyed about it than to actually be nervous.
"Mad? No." Natalia shook her head. "I hate that you and Olivia fought; I hope it doesn't happen again." She seemed agitated and Ava couldn't quite figure out why, not unless she was more upset than she was admitting. It was a possibility, but from everything she had heard about Natalia she expected Natalia to be straight forward and honest with her, not playing the games that so many in Springfield had and still did. "I understand that everything isn't always going to be perfect, but it's been a very difficult year and I would just like my family to be happy."
With the toe of her boot, Ava nudged a small rock, pushing it further into the ground, and watched it intently, focusing on it, instead of looking back up at Natalia. "And am I included in that?" She asked in a small voice. She wasn't sure why it mattered so much to her that Natalia thought of her as family; they barely knew each other. Her opinion seemed to matter very much to Olivia though, and maybe that was why she was asking, because she needed to know where they all stood.
"Of course, you are," Natalia answered quickly. "Of course. I know we don't know each other very well yet, but you're very important to Olivia and Emma loves you so much. She wants to be just like you with Francesca - the best big sister a girl can have."
Ava bit her lip. "So we're okay?"
"Are we?" Natalia's question surprised her; she wasn't sure where it was going. Everything had seemed fine just a moment before. Her confusion must have shown on her face because Natalia continued. "I know Olivia told you about us when I was gone this summer and last night you said something..." Her voice trailed off for a moment before she seemed to pull herself together again and straighten to face Ava. "So if you have a problem with me because of what I did, I'd like to know it now."
This time her forthrightness did surprise Ava. She hadn't expected that subject to be brought up, especially by Natalia herself, and the mention of what she had said the night before brought an entirely unwelcome flush of embarrassment with it.
"Olivia certainly seems to have gotten past it."
"She loves me," Natalia said, with a slight shake of her head. "When I left-" She looked over at Ava to make sure she knew what was referring to. "I felt like I was being punished. Loving her was so overwhelming, more than I had ever felt. It was too much. It felt so good that it couldn't be right, you know? Everyone else was telling me that it was a sin, and I had been so sure, right up until the moment that I found out I was pregnant, that it wasn't, that what we had was right and good. And then," she took a deep breath. "And then I got so scared, and I wondered if I had been deluding myself all along because I had wanted it so badly, that I had just tried to make it right when it wasn't." She glanced over at Ava again. "That's why I left, because I was scared that I was being punished for loving Olivia and that as part of that punishment I would lose her.
"Saying it out loud, it doesn't make any sense, but to me, at the time, it did." She looked down, seemingly deep in thought. "What I realized was that I wasn't being punished. What I felt for Olivia wasn't a sin; it was a blessing. She is my blessing and I'm so grateful to have her in my life. I cherish every day I have with her."
"Wow." After a speech like that Ava was beginning to understand how Olivia had forgiven her. If she was fortunate, someone might talk about her like that one day. "I don't know what to say."
"Say whatever you're thinking."
"I think I'm glad that Olivia found someone who loves her so much," Ava said, weighing her words carefully as she spoke them. "But if you ever-"
"I won't," Natalia cut her off before she could finish her threat. It wasn't necessary. "I know where I'm supposed to be now and I won't ever leave her again."
"Then that's good enough for me." It was odd to be giving Natalia her approval when she was the one who felt like she needed to make amends, but Natalia had asked.
"Good." They stood there for a moment, taking one another's measure until Natalia seemed satisfied. She tilted her head toward the pond. "We should probably go before Emma starts to wonder what's taking us so long."
Ava glanced in the direction Natalia had indicated, catching a glimpse of Emma tossing a piece of bread to a nearby duck and then looking back over her shoulder at them. "Definitely." Impulsively she looped her arm through Natalia's as they started walking again. She tensed, unsure how Natalia would react and let out a relieved breath when all Natalia did was flash her a bright smile. "So what did Frank say? I mean, if it wasn't something private?"
Natalia dismissed it with a wave of her hand. "You know, it was nothing."
"It didn't seem like nothing earlier," Ava pointed out.
"You're right," Natalia admitted. "But what we were talking about reminded me about what's really important and what Frank was saying...I can't control what he was saying and I don't even know whether it was true or not, but it doesn't matter." She held her hand over her heart. "I know - in here - everything I need to know."
"That's some kind of faith," Ava said, with not a little disbelief. She had never had blind faith in the goodness of people, not even when she had been a child. In her experience, people were always out in for their own interests, first and foremost. After that, if it didn't hurt them, then they would sometimes consider helping others. It wasn't a pretty way to live, but for her life those had been the facts. The few times that she had tried to believe in something different, in the goodness in others, she had been proven wrong.
"It's worth it, when you find the right person."
"And I haven't yet."
"You will."
Ava laughed uncomfortably. "You sound so sure about that."
"When I was sixteen, I thought I had lost my chance for good - lost the only man I would ever love - and in the end I found something so much more." She laid her hand over Ava's on her arm. "Don't give up on it, just give it time."
"And look in unexpected places?" She teased Natalia gently.
She smiled wryly. "That too."