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Title: The Importance of Family
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Ava Peralta, Emma Spencer, Jeffrey O'neil
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: R...I'm gonna say because there are some disturbing themes explored in here and some violence, although I don't think either is described in graphic detail.
Word count: 4,647
Summary: Life goes on. Sometimes it throws you a curveball and you never know what's coming your way on any given day.
Spoilers: Takes place around Thanksgiving '10, and includes the events of the finale.
Author's Note: This fic is solely for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kelltwomyn. I was bemoaning the fact that I wasn't going to be able to afford a Venice subscription and she swooped in and got when for me when I said I'd be willing to offer fic in exchange. I hope this fic is both somewhat what you were hoping for and also worth your ten bucks and the wait. I really have enjoyed Venice so far. Thank you. :)
Beta: Many thanks toq_wordy13 for beta'ing this for me! Your insights, comments, suggestions and encouragement have all been very much appreciated! :D
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Warning: This story eventually deals with Olivia's rape. I don't think it's discussed graphically, but I don't want anyone to stumble upon it unaware either.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four
Part Five
Olivia waited until she was certain that Ava was asleep. Then she sat with her for another half hour, until she was sure that Ava wouldn't wake when she got up. It was a trick that she had learned with Emma. First they lured you in with a false sense of security, and when they woke up you were in for another hour of stories and just-one-more-glass-of-water-Mom! Only if Ava woke, it wouldn't involve bedtime stories and demands guaranteed to keep her from going back to bed for five more minutes. No, if and when Ava woke they would have to talk. Olivia wasn't sure exactly what it would involve yet, but as much as she knew it needed to happen, she also knew that it wasn't going to be pleasant.
Olivia sighed as she padded down the hallway toward the room that she shared with Natalia. It had been a long day. She snorted softly at the thought, as she rubbed her hand over her face. That was such an understatement that it was almost ridiculous. A long day would have been having the lives of two of her daughters threatened. Or fighting with Ava like they hadn't fought in years. Or pouring her heart out to Natalia about some of the most painful events of her past. Not a combination of all three. No, that was just too much. She hadn't had a day like this where life just seemed to keep piling on and refusing to let her up in a very long time. At least a few months.
Pushing open the door to their room, Olivia froze in the doorway. Her smile grew gradually, matching the way that her heart seemed to expand with warmth, joy and comfort as she took in the sight before her: Natalia propped up against the pillows in their bed, her hair loose and falling down around her shoulders.
"Hey, Beautiful," Olivia said softly, stepping forward just enough to close the door behind her.
Natalia glanced up at the greeting, her face lighting up immediately. She put the magazine she had been reading down on the nightstand and slipped her legs over the edge of the bed, then crossed the room to Olivia and put her arms around her neck. "Hey, you," she returned the greeting just as softly. She didn't seem surprised at all when Olivia slipped her hands around her waist and leaned her head against Natalia's shoulder. Natalia simply let her rest there for several moments, happy to offer the comfort and support that Olivia sought.
"C'mon," Natalia said after they had lingered there in silence long enough, soaking in each other's presence. "Let's get you out of these clothes and into bed."
Olivia laughed, the sound muffled by Natalia's shoulder. "They always want me for my body, never my sparkling wit."
Natalia snorted. "Sparkling wit? Is that what they're calling it these days?" She asked, as her hands slipped from around Olivia's neck and trailed down her chest. With familiar, sure hands she began undoing the buttons of Olivia's shirt, slowly working her way down to the bottom. Olivia didn't move, her eyes following Natalia's hands until she was done and then coming back up to her face.
"I come home and all I get is insulted." She faked a pout. "My own wife-"
The rest of her complaint was muffled by a kiss. It didn't stop her from talking and the faint vibrations of her words and the way her lips moved as she talked drew a laugh from Natalia, making it almost impossible for her to continue kissing Olivia. She kissed her until Olivia stopped talking and began to kiss her back: it didn't take long. She never even noticed Natalia slipping her shirt off over her shoulders until it pulled her hands away from skin, breaking their connection.
This time when she pulled back, the pout she directed at Natalia wasn't all that faked. "Where are you going?"
"Nowhere," Natalia answered with a smile, as she drifted away to throw the shirt in the hamper. She returned with a silk robe. "Just undressing my wife." She tossed the robe to the foot of the bed, and reached for Olivia again. "Do you have a problem with that?"
"Never," Olivia whispered, caught in the spell that Natalia was slowly weaving around her, one of love and comfort and home that she could never seem to get enough of.
She undid the button of Olivia's slacks and knelt to pull them down, waiting as Olivia stepped out of them, one hand brushing Natalia's shoulder for balance. This time Natalia merely tossed the slacks in the direction of the hamper. She was fairly certain they landed where she had intended, but she didn't stop to check. Olivia's influence was showing. At the moment she didn't care if everything was in its proper place, the only thing she wanted was standing right in front of her. Straightening up could wait for the morning.
Natalia held out her hand and Olivia took it without hesitation, allowing Natalia to pull her toward their bed, keeping her eyes locked on Natalia's the whole time. She didn't stop when Natalia's legs hit the bed, but kept going until her body was pressed up against Natalia's.
"Now what are you going to do with me?" Olivia hadn't intended for it to be a loaded question. The last thing - the very last thing, on a list that included Frank barging into the room at that very moment - that Olivia wanted to do was have another discussion. The day had brought with it enough of those already, and she was exhausted from the constant emotion, but this was her and this was Natalia. Before she could rest, she needed to know that nothing that had happened that day had changed the way that Natalia thought or felt about her. Nothing had changed. She was still the same person she had been that morning, and she couldn't stand the thought of Natalia treating her differently than she had before. She couldn't stand the thought of never seeing that same look of desire in Natalia's eyes again - or worse, seeing it tinged with pity.
"I'm taking my wife to bed."
To bed or to sleep? It did nothing to clear up the sudden doubt in Olivia's mind. "You're awfully possessive for a woman with no ring on her finger." The words slipped out of her mouth before she could stop them.
"Is that what you need?" Natalia asked, refusing to take the bait thrown in front of her. "I'll buy you a ring tomorrow. But," she raised Olivia's hand between them, and pressed their joined hands over her heart. "I thought we already had everything we needed right here."
"You're too good for me," Olivia whispered.
"You are the best thing that ever happened to me," Natalia corrected her gently.
But love and adoration and liking were still different from want, and no matter how she told herself that it didn't matter, she still had to know.
"Do you-" She hesitated, telling herself that she was being ridiculous, that the question would sound ridiculous, pathetic and needy coming from her lips. She was Olivia Spencer. She didn't ask questions like that. Questions like that never even occurred to her. Here, in this room with Natalia, however, she couldn't quite convince herself that was true, so she swallowed and asked her question. "Do you still want me?"
She saw comprehension dawn in Natalia's eyes and looked away. Olivia didn't want to see the pity that would surely follow understanding. That she couldn't take. The next thing she felt was Natalia's hand on her cheek, gently turning her face back to her.
"Only in every way possible."
She heard the words, let them wash over her, but there was still doubt lingering there in the back of her mind mixed with the knowledge that Natalia was a good person, that she would do anything to keep from hurting Olivia. She hated to hurt anyone, even when it was necessary. The thought she might be lying to protect what they had wouldn't leave her mind.
"Look at me," Natalia spoke firmly, drawing her out of her thoughts. "You know me, Olivia, sometimes better than myself. Look at me and listen to me and you tell me if I'm telling you the truth."
Olivia blinked startled and yet not by the way that Natalia had seemed to read her mind. It was just more proof that they did know each other. "Tell me."
"I want you," Natalia said without any hesitation or doubt. "I want you in my life, by my side, and in my bed. I want you even when I shouldn't, when you're being infuriating and insufferable and just completely you." Natalia's hand slid to the back of her neck, holding her steady as her fingers tangled in Olivia's hair. "I want you until we're old and gray and covered in wrinkles."
Olivia sniffed. "Already have wrinkles," she murmured. "Just a few." She brushed the corner of her eye. "Around here." Her eyes narrowed. "Don't you dare tell anyone I admitted that."
Natalia shook her head. "I can't promise that."
Olivia's brow furrowed, emphasizing the crow's feet she had admitted to just a moment before. "Why not?"
A smile tugged at the corners of Natalia's lips. "Not until you promise you believe me," she said simply, her eyes growing serious as she named her terms.
"I do," Olivia whispered.
"Do you?" Natalia countered. "Do you really? Because if we weren't both so exhausted I would insist on proving it to you, right here and now."
The thought of Natalia insisting made her body clench in a very pleasant way and for just a moment Olivia was so very tempted to take her up on her offer. Unfortunately Natalia was also right. The day had been one endless, exhausting roller coaster ride of emotions and as much as she wanted to, neither of them would be at their best tonight.
"Tomorrow night?" Olivia asked hopefully.
Natalia smiled and Olivia felt it to the tip of her toes. "How about tomorrow morning?"
"I like how you think," Olivia agreed.
"I thought you might," Natalia said teasingly. "Now come to bed."
Taking the covers from Natalia, Olivia held them back for her as she slipped into bed and then followed her. She sank into the comfort of the soft mattress and sheets with a ridiculously high thread count - sheets that Natalia loved, even if she would never admit it - and relaxed almost immediately. Part of it was all of the little luxuries surrounding her, but most of it, Olivia knew was having Natalia beside her. As if summoned by having thought of her, Natalia moved closer until her body was pressed completely up against Olivia's and wrapped her arm around Olivia's waist. Olivia rolled over, curling into her. Her hand rested just above Natalia's heart, trapped between their bodies.
"I love you," she whispered hoping that Natalia knew how much she meant it.
Natalia's arms tightened around her. "I love you too." In her arms, Olivia drifted to sleep, comforted by the way Natalia held her close, even in sleep.
*** *** ***
Olivia looked around the darkened room wildly, disorientation clouding her racing thoughts. She struggled to piece together the simplest thoughts and growled in frustration as she almost fell out of bed, getting caught in the sheets and overbalancing before she could catch herself. Pulling on her robe, she stumbled out of the bedroom, instinct and muscle memory taking her down the hallway towards Francesca's room. It was a close thing, but she managed to walk through the doorway instead of staggering into the doorframe and ricocheting from side to side as she often did. It was also very fortunate, because when she got to Francesca's crib all she found was a soundly sleeping little girl.
She may have been disoriented from her sudden wakening, but even in that state Olivia barely breathed as she visually surveyed her little girl one more time to make certain that she was okay and then began backing very carefully toward the door in an effort not to wake her. Francesca was beginning to sleep through the night more and more frequently and it was definitely a trend that she and Natalia wanted to encourage. The thought of eight hours of uninterrupted sleep sounded like pure bliss. When she was clear of Francesca's room, Olivia turned back to her room, fully prepared to chock her sudden wakefulness up to a bad dream and rejoin Natalia.
It was the faint whimper that stopped her. Not a pleasant whimper, like the small noise Natalia made when...well, that was a thought better left for another time when Olivia had the leisure to explore it. No, this was a pained whimper, the sound that a small, wounded animal made when it couldn't understand why it was in pain and why nothing would work the way it should, and it made Olivia freeze in place immediately.
Her first thought was of Emma. Her Jellybean had been through enough that day to give anyone nightmares. But Ava was just down the hall as well, and equally likely to be having unpleasant dreams. In the end she went to Emma first. Her room was closer and deny it though she would if asked, Emma was just a little girl - her little girl. It would always be her instinct to go to her first. Ava was an adult, capable in theory of taking care of herself, even if Olivia did want to be there for her to make up for all the times she had missed. But when she got to Emma's room, it was quickly apparent that she was sleeping peacefully, her little arms and legs sprawled out across the bed in ways that couldn't possibly be comfortable but weren't in the least tensed, pained or scared. It was a relief to realize Emma wasn't suffering with the events of her day making their way into her dreams. Olivia kissed her gently on the forehead, knowing she slept deeply enough that it wouldn't wake her and unable to resist some contact with her, before she moved on.
In contrast to her younger sister, Ava's hands were clenched around fistfuls of the sheet, and she was making small, pitiful noises that weren't quite words. Ava was dreaming, Olivia realized, inhabiting some nightmarish world that was terrifying her.
Quickly, she sank onto the bed beside Ava and shook her shoulder gently. "Ava, baby, you need to wake up. You're having a nightmare. It's just a bad dream."
"'Livia." The slightly slurred word was the first one that was clear enough for her to distinguish. Ava squirmed in her grasp.
"That's right," Olivia agreed. "It's me." She hoped that was a good thing. "You're okay. I just need you to wake up. Bad dream. You can do that for me, can't you?" She was repeating herself, but maybe it didn't matter. Maybe just the sound of her voice would be enough to calm Ava or maybe it would manage to wake her. All she knew was that she needed to put a stop to her daughter's suffering however she could.
"Leave me!" The second set of slurred words caught her attention and left her puzzled. It wasn't a command to be left alone but a plea. But why would Ava plea to be left alone. That made no sense. No particular love of solitude was yet another thing they shared. Then Ava rolled over almost into Olivia's lap, her arms straining against the sheet she was still tangled up in. "Please don't leave me. Olivia!" For the first time her words were clear, not slurred, and in them Olivia heard pure terror and her heart clenched. In that instant she knew what Ava was dreaming about and she gave up on soothing her back to sleep. Instead she grabbed Ava's shoulders and began to shake her.
"Wake up, Ava." She was fully awake and aware herself now, and she spoke with every inch of command and authority that she possessed. It was a tone that sent underlings at the Beacon scurrying for cover and left even those who knew her well and didn't have to answer to her faintly trembling.
Ava whimpered again, her eyelids fluttering.
"Wake up, damn it!" Olivia repeated. She did not want to watch Ava reliving this moment. It was too painful for both of them.
"Mom?" Ava sounded just as confused and disoriented as she had been when she had first woken up. But at least Ava was awake. "Damn it, Mom, stop shaking me!" The words were slurred together, whether from sleep or if she was still slightly drunk Olivia wasn't sure, but she didn't care that much either. At least she wasn't still sleeping. "What are you trying to do, kill me?" She mumbled pulling the sheet up further around her shoulders to block out the room's cool air.
The words hit Olivia like a sucker punch and she let go of Ava as if she had just touched a hot stove. "You were having a nightmare," Olivia explained dully. In the dream, that wasn't a dream, that had been an all too real set of events, she had left Ava trapped under a door at the Beacon in a fire, desperate to find Emma, uncertain if the little girl was in the building and scared to death for her. At the time she hadn't known Ava was her daughter. She had told herself that there was no choice, that Emma was just a child and wouldn't know what to do in the midst of the fire, and she had sent the first person that she saw back for Ava. But finding herself back in that suite with Ava trapped and the fire approaching had become a recurring nightmare of hers after she had discovered that Ava was her daughter. What would she have done then? Even then choosing between Emma and Ava would have been an impossible choice and one that had sent her heart racing and left her distressed for hours after she woke.
Olivia could see the moment when Ava truly woke up; her eyelids snapped open and she sat up in bed, the covers falling down into her lap. She looked around the room with wild eyes, finally focusing in on Olivia. Her chest heaved with quick, panicked breaths as she struggled to regain her calm.
"Mom?" Her voice quavered, making her sound much younger than she actually was.
"I'm right here," Olivia answered her. Her guilt and remembered fear pushed back against the need to reassure Ava that she was fine, and that the nightmare she had been having was just that - a dream - now. It had happened; there was no denying that, but they had survived it. By some miracle - the same miracles that Olivia didn't like to admit existed - they had been given a second chance then, and now, and Olivia didn't want to waste it. "You're okay. You were having a nightmare."
Ava's breathing had slowed and the look in her eyes was a little bit calmer, but she still seemed upset. "It wasn't just a nightmare," she blurted out after a moment's hesitation. "It was real; it happened."
"I know," Olivia said, looking down unable to meet her eyes in that moment. "The fire at the Beacon."
"How did you-?" Ava demanded.
"You were talking in your sleep."
Ava scooted back a little, sitting up straighter against the headboard and pulling the sheet and blankets with her, and drawing her knees up to her chest. She rested her chin on them and frowned. "It's been a long time since I've dreamed about that."
"I'm sorry." What else could she say? And even that was horribly inadequate.
"You didn't know," Ava said the words quietly. "You were terrified for Emma. I get it."
"I don't," Olivia countered. "When I found out," She laid a hand on Ava's wrist. "I started having nightmares about that night, about something happening to you, instead of you making it out of there. It terrified me. It still does. If I had known then..." She shook her head, unwilling to lie to her daughter, but turned her face up to look at Ava. "I don't know what I would have done. I couldn't move that door, Ava. I tried. I really did."
Ava looked up at her from under the hair falling messily across her eyes. "Really?" She sounded so vulnerable it nearly broke Olivia's heart.
She settled for nodding, not trusting her voice in that moment. "Don't you know..." She swallowed back her emotions for a second time. "Don't you know what it would do to me if anything happened to you?"
Ava shrugged, the gesture looking truncated with her body scrunched up the way that it was. "I know how much you love Emma, and I know you love me." Ava's hand covered hers, squeezing it in a gesture that was meant to be reassuring. "I just...sometimes I feel like if I disappeared from your life it would just go back to the way it was before. You wouldn't be missing anything; I would just be gone, and...and you might be better off for it, right? I mean you wouldn't have to deal with Jeffrey if I wasn't a part of your life."
"Sweetie," Olivia cut her off before she could go any further. "I would deal with a thousand Jeffreys for you, and if you weren't here-" The catch in her voice surprised her. "You would leave a gaping hole in my life. I know we don't talk as much as we should, and I need to come out to San Francisco and visit you more often, but not a day goes by when I don't think of you. You're my daughter and you're a big part of my life. I was so glad when I heard that you were coming to visit." Olivia paused, biting a corner of her bottom lip, unsure of what she was about to say. "I know why you left Springfield; I understand that you had to go, but I hated that you left. It made me so sad that you were gone. I missed you," she said simply. "I missed the time we spent together."
Ava sniffled loudly, tilting her head to wipe the tears on her cheek off against the comforter on her knees. "I missed you too," she confessed. "I thought about moving back." She shook her head. "It's just that once I was gone, I didn't know how to come back. I didn't know if you would want me to. It was such a mess when I was here and now you have this wonderful life with Emma and Francesca and Natalia and you live in this cozy little farmhouse. It's not me, Mom. I don't know where I fit."
"You fit with me," Olivia responded immediately. "With me and Emma and Francesca and Natalia and this farmhouse." She hesitated and then finished it. "You fit with Jeffrey."
Ava's lips pressed into a thin, disapproving line at that comment. "I'm not sure about that either."
"I am," Olivia said firmly. "Jeffry loves you. You're a very important part of his life."
"It doesn't feel like it," Ava blurted out. "I don't think he noticed when I left. He was on the phone with Reva - yelling at her about how he had a right to see Colin."
She had forgiven Jeffrey. It had taken time, but in the end she had done it. For herself, so that she could stop hating him, stop letting that emotion consume her and eat into the good parts of her life. But mostly she had forgiven Jeffrey for Ava's sake, because her daughter had almost died because of a hitman she had contracted and if a father was what she needed, then that was what she would do for her. Jeffrey had proven to be a good father to Ava - until now. That she couldn't let go so easily, but right now what Ava needed wasn't her anger. Ava needed her mother, to comfort her and tell her it was okay, and that was what she would do. Jeffrey, she could deal with later.
"It's okay to be angry at him."
Ava's head snapped up with a denial ready to fall out of her mouth.
"He was gone for over a year and he let everyone who loved him think that he was dead," Olivia pointed out. "Anyone would be angry."
Ava shook her head rapidly, tears falling down her cheeks. "It's not like that."
Olivia fiddled with the hem of the sheet. "I was angry at Natalia when she came back. Angry and so relieved that she was okay, that she was back, but I could hardly look at her."
"What did you do, then?"
"I tried to cut her out of my heart," Olivia said simply. "I had to protect myself. I didn't want to let her get close enough to hurt me again, and it was such a mess. Frank was still in love with her and there was Francesca. There was no way it should have worked. I thought I couldn't trust her."
"But you did," Ava pointed out. "You're here."
Olivia nodded. "We're all here." She shrugged. "I don't know. It was hard to trust her again. Some days I still wake up scared that this was all a dream. It's not easy; I don't think Frank is ever going to let it go. Some times he's okay, but other times I think he resents that I'm an important part of Francesca's life. He hasn't done anything about it yet, but one day he's going to and I have a feeling he's going to put Francesca right in the middle. That's the last thing we want, and I will do whatever it takes to stop that. Even if that means coddling Frank."
"Just like you did for me - forgiving Jeffrey." Ava spoke so quietly that Olivia could barely hear her. It was rare that she openly acknowledged what Jeffrey had done to Olivia.
Olivia didn't trust herself to speak; she could only nod briefly in acknowledgment.
"I'm sorry," Ava whispered. "You told me he hurt you but I still had to know him. I'm sorry I made him be a part of your life."
"He's your father; you deserved to know him." Olivia shook her head, repeating the words she had clung to when it had become clear that Ava needed Jeffrey to be a part of her life, but something in her eased at Ava's words, her acknowledgment of what Jeffrey had done. A tear began to slip down her cheek.
"How can you say that?" Ava asked, her voice full of disbelief.
"Because he's your father and you needed him."
"You did that for me." It was as much a statement as a question as Ava tested the truth of what she had said.
"Yes."
Ava nodded, more to herself than to anything Olivia had said. "I want to stay here - in Springfield."
"I would love that."
Ava reached and then hesitated. Olivia saw it and realized what she had been about to do. She held her arms out to Ava, but didn't touch her, knowing that she needed reassurance that her embrace would be welcome, but also that she needed to take that final step for herself. Ava didn't hesitate any longer, but sank willingly into her arms, letting Olivia hold her and stroke her hair as she she struggled to hold back more tears.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Ava Peralta, Emma Spencer, Jeffrey O'neil
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: R...I'm gonna say because there are some disturbing themes explored in here and some violence, although I don't think either is described in graphic detail.
Word count: 4,647
Summary: Life goes on. Sometimes it throws you a curveball and you never know what's coming your way on any given day.
Spoilers: Takes place around Thanksgiving '10, and includes the events of the finale.
Author's Note: This fic is solely for
kelltwomyn. I was bemoaning the fact that I wasn't going to be able to afford a Venice subscription and she swooped in and got when for me when I said I'd be willing to offer fic in exchange. I hope this fic is both somewhat what you were hoping for and also worth your ten bucks and the wait. I really have enjoyed Venice so far. Thank you. :) Beta: Many thanks to
q_wordy13 for beta'ing this for me! Your insights, comments, suggestions and encouragement have all been very much appreciated! :D Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Warning: This story eventually deals with Olivia's rape. I don't think it's discussed graphically, but I don't want anyone to stumble upon it unaware either.
Part One || Part Two || Part Three || Part Four
Part Five
Olivia waited until she was certain that Ava was asleep. Then she sat with her for another half hour, until she was sure that Ava wouldn't wake when she got up. It was a trick that she had learned with Emma. First they lured you in with a false sense of security, and when they woke up you were in for another hour of stories and just-one-more-glass-of-water-Mom! Only if Ava woke, it wouldn't involve bedtime stories and demands guaranteed to keep her from going back to bed for five more minutes. No, if and when Ava woke they would have to talk. Olivia wasn't sure exactly what it would involve yet, but as much as she knew it needed to happen, she also knew that it wasn't going to be pleasant.
Olivia sighed as she padded down the hallway toward the room that she shared with Natalia. It had been a long day. She snorted softly at the thought, as she rubbed her hand over her face. That was such an understatement that it was almost ridiculous. A long day would have been having the lives of two of her daughters threatened. Or fighting with Ava like they hadn't fought in years. Or pouring her heart out to Natalia about some of the most painful events of her past. Not a combination of all three. No, that was just too much. She hadn't had a day like this where life just seemed to keep piling on and refusing to let her up in a very long time. At least a few months.
Pushing open the door to their room, Olivia froze in the doorway. Her smile grew gradually, matching the way that her heart seemed to expand with warmth, joy and comfort as she took in the sight before her: Natalia propped up against the pillows in their bed, her hair loose and falling down around her shoulders.
"Hey, Beautiful," Olivia said softly, stepping forward just enough to close the door behind her.
Natalia glanced up at the greeting, her face lighting up immediately. She put the magazine she had been reading down on the nightstand and slipped her legs over the edge of the bed, then crossed the room to Olivia and put her arms around her neck. "Hey, you," she returned the greeting just as softly. She didn't seem surprised at all when Olivia slipped her hands around her waist and leaned her head against Natalia's shoulder. Natalia simply let her rest there for several moments, happy to offer the comfort and support that Olivia sought.
"C'mon," Natalia said after they had lingered there in silence long enough, soaking in each other's presence. "Let's get you out of these clothes and into bed."
Olivia laughed, the sound muffled by Natalia's shoulder. "They always want me for my body, never my sparkling wit."
Natalia snorted. "Sparkling wit? Is that what they're calling it these days?" She asked, as her hands slipped from around Olivia's neck and trailed down her chest. With familiar, sure hands she began undoing the buttons of Olivia's shirt, slowly working her way down to the bottom. Olivia didn't move, her eyes following Natalia's hands until she was done and then coming back up to her face.
"I come home and all I get is insulted." She faked a pout. "My own wife-"
The rest of her complaint was muffled by a kiss. It didn't stop her from talking and the faint vibrations of her words and the way her lips moved as she talked drew a laugh from Natalia, making it almost impossible for her to continue kissing Olivia. She kissed her until Olivia stopped talking and began to kiss her back: it didn't take long. She never even noticed Natalia slipping her shirt off over her shoulders until it pulled her hands away from skin, breaking their connection.
This time when she pulled back, the pout she directed at Natalia wasn't all that faked. "Where are you going?"
"Nowhere," Natalia answered with a smile, as she drifted away to throw the shirt in the hamper. She returned with a silk robe. "Just undressing my wife." She tossed the robe to the foot of the bed, and reached for Olivia again. "Do you have a problem with that?"
"Never," Olivia whispered, caught in the spell that Natalia was slowly weaving around her, one of love and comfort and home that she could never seem to get enough of.
She undid the button of Olivia's slacks and knelt to pull them down, waiting as Olivia stepped out of them, one hand brushing Natalia's shoulder for balance. This time Natalia merely tossed the slacks in the direction of the hamper. She was fairly certain they landed where she had intended, but she didn't stop to check. Olivia's influence was showing. At the moment she didn't care if everything was in its proper place, the only thing she wanted was standing right in front of her. Straightening up could wait for the morning.
Natalia held out her hand and Olivia took it without hesitation, allowing Natalia to pull her toward their bed, keeping her eyes locked on Natalia's the whole time. She didn't stop when Natalia's legs hit the bed, but kept going until her body was pressed up against Natalia's.
"Now what are you going to do with me?" Olivia hadn't intended for it to be a loaded question. The last thing - the very last thing, on a list that included Frank barging into the room at that very moment - that Olivia wanted to do was have another discussion. The day had brought with it enough of those already, and she was exhausted from the constant emotion, but this was her and this was Natalia. Before she could rest, she needed to know that nothing that had happened that day had changed the way that Natalia thought or felt about her. Nothing had changed. She was still the same person she had been that morning, and she couldn't stand the thought of Natalia treating her differently than she had before. She couldn't stand the thought of never seeing that same look of desire in Natalia's eyes again - or worse, seeing it tinged with pity.
"I'm taking my wife to bed."
To bed or to sleep? It did nothing to clear up the sudden doubt in Olivia's mind. "You're awfully possessive for a woman with no ring on her finger." The words slipped out of her mouth before she could stop them.
"Is that what you need?" Natalia asked, refusing to take the bait thrown in front of her. "I'll buy you a ring tomorrow. But," she raised Olivia's hand between them, and pressed their joined hands over her heart. "I thought we already had everything we needed right here."
"You're too good for me," Olivia whispered.
"You are the best thing that ever happened to me," Natalia corrected her gently.
But love and adoration and liking were still different from want, and no matter how she told herself that it didn't matter, she still had to know.
"Do you-" She hesitated, telling herself that she was being ridiculous, that the question would sound ridiculous, pathetic and needy coming from her lips. She was Olivia Spencer. She didn't ask questions like that. Questions like that never even occurred to her. Here, in this room with Natalia, however, she couldn't quite convince herself that was true, so she swallowed and asked her question. "Do you still want me?"
She saw comprehension dawn in Natalia's eyes and looked away. Olivia didn't want to see the pity that would surely follow understanding. That she couldn't take. The next thing she felt was Natalia's hand on her cheek, gently turning her face back to her.
"Only in every way possible."
She heard the words, let them wash over her, but there was still doubt lingering there in the back of her mind mixed with the knowledge that Natalia was a good person, that she would do anything to keep from hurting Olivia. She hated to hurt anyone, even when it was necessary. The thought she might be lying to protect what they had wouldn't leave her mind.
"Look at me," Natalia spoke firmly, drawing her out of her thoughts. "You know me, Olivia, sometimes better than myself. Look at me and listen to me and you tell me if I'm telling you the truth."
Olivia blinked startled and yet not by the way that Natalia had seemed to read her mind. It was just more proof that they did know each other. "Tell me."
"I want you," Natalia said without any hesitation or doubt. "I want you in my life, by my side, and in my bed. I want you even when I shouldn't, when you're being infuriating and insufferable and just completely you." Natalia's hand slid to the back of her neck, holding her steady as her fingers tangled in Olivia's hair. "I want you until we're old and gray and covered in wrinkles."
Olivia sniffed. "Already have wrinkles," she murmured. "Just a few." She brushed the corner of her eye. "Around here." Her eyes narrowed. "Don't you dare tell anyone I admitted that."
Natalia shook her head. "I can't promise that."
Olivia's brow furrowed, emphasizing the crow's feet she had admitted to just a moment before. "Why not?"
A smile tugged at the corners of Natalia's lips. "Not until you promise you believe me," she said simply, her eyes growing serious as she named her terms.
"I do," Olivia whispered.
"Do you?" Natalia countered. "Do you really? Because if we weren't both so exhausted I would insist on proving it to you, right here and now."
The thought of Natalia insisting made her body clench in a very pleasant way and for just a moment Olivia was so very tempted to take her up on her offer. Unfortunately Natalia was also right. The day had been one endless, exhausting roller coaster ride of emotions and as much as she wanted to, neither of them would be at their best tonight.
"Tomorrow night?" Olivia asked hopefully.
Natalia smiled and Olivia felt it to the tip of her toes. "How about tomorrow morning?"
"I like how you think," Olivia agreed.
"I thought you might," Natalia said teasingly. "Now come to bed."
Taking the covers from Natalia, Olivia held them back for her as she slipped into bed and then followed her. She sank into the comfort of the soft mattress and sheets with a ridiculously high thread count - sheets that Natalia loved, even if she would never admit it - and relaxed almost immediately. Part of it was all of the little luxuries surrounding her, but most of it, Olivia knew was having Natalia beside her. As if summoned by having thought of her, Natalia moved closer until her body was pressed completely up against Olivia's and wrapped her arm around Olivia's waist. Olivia rolled over, curling into her. Her hand rested just above Natalia's heart, trapped between their bodies.
"I love you," she whispered hoping that Natalia knew how much she meant it.
Natalia's arms tightened around her. "I love you too." In her arms, Olivia drifted to sleep, comforted by the way Natalia held her close, even in sleep.
*** *** ***
Olivia looked around the darkened room wildly, disorientation clouding her racing thoughts. She struggled to piece together the simplest thoughts and growled in frustration as she almost fell out of bed, getting caught in the sheets and overbalancing before she could catch herself. Pulling on her robe, she stumbled out of the bedroom, instinct and muscle memory taking her down the hallway towards Francesca's room. It was a close thing, but she managed to walk through the doorway instead of staggering into the doorframe and ricocheting from side to side as she often did. It was also very fortunate, because when she got to Francesca's crib all she found was a soundly sleeping little girl.
She may have been disoriented from her sudden wakening, but even in that state Olivia barely breathed as she visually surveyed her little girl one more time to make certain that she was okay and then began backing very carefully toward the door in an effort not to wake her. Francesca was beginning to sleep through the night more and more frequently and it was definitely a trend that she and Natalia wanted to encourage. The thought of eight hours of uninterrupted sleep sounded like pure bliss. When she was clear of Francesca's room, Olivia turned back to her room, fully prepared to chock her sudden wakefulness up to a bad dream and rejoin Natalia.
It was the faint whimper that stopped her. Not a pleasant whimper, like the small noise Natalia made when...well, that was a thought better left for another time when Olivia had the leisure to explore it. No, this was a pained whimper, the sound that a small, wounded animal made when it couldn't understand why it was in pain and why nothing would work the way it should, and it made Olivia freeze in place immediately.
Her first thought was of Emma. Her Jellybean had been through enough that day to give anyone nightmares. But Ava was just down the hall as well, and equally likely to be having unpleasant dreams. In the end she went to Emma first. Her room was closer and deny it though she would if asked, Emma was just a little girl - her little girl. It would always be her instinct to go to her first. Ava was an adult, capable in theory of taking care of herself, even if Olivia did want to be there for her to make up for all the times she had missed. But when she got to Emma's room, it was quickly apparent that she was sleeping peacefully, her little arms and legs sprawled out across the bed in ways that couldn't possibly be comfortable but weren't in the least tensed, pained or scared. It was a relief to realize Emma wasn't suffering with the events of her day making their way into her dreams. Olivia kissed her gently on the forehead, knowing she slept deeply enough that it wouldn't wake her and unable to resist some contact with her, before she moved on.
In contrast to her younger sister, Ava's hands were clenched around fistfuls of the sheet, and she was making small, pitiful noises that weren't quite words. Ava was dreaming, Olivia realized, inhabiting some nightmarish world that was terrifying her.
Quickly, she sank onto the bed beside Ava and shook her shoulder gently. "Ava, baby, you need to wake up. You're having a nightmare. It's just a bad dream."
"'Livia." The slightly slurred word was the first one that was clear enough for her to distinguish. Ava squirmed in her grasp.
"That's right," Olivia agreed. "It's me." She hoped that was a good thing. "You're okay. I just need you to wake up. Bad dream. You can do that for me, can't you?" She was repeating herself, but maybe it didn't matter. Maybe just the sound of her voice would be enough to calm Ava or maybe it would manage to wake her. All she knew was that she needed to put a stop to her daughter's suffering however she could.
"Leave me!" The second set of slurred words caught her attention and left her puzzled. It wasn't a command to be left alone but a plea. But why would Ava plea to be left alone. That made no sense. No particular love of solitude was yet another thing they shared. Then Ava rolled over almost into Olivia's lap, her arms straining against the sheet she was still tangled up in. "Please don't leave me. Olivia!" For the first time her words were clear, not slurred, and in them Olivia heard pure terror and her heart clenched. In that instant she knew what Ava was dreaming about and she gave up on soothing her back to sleep. Instead she grabbed Ava's shoulders and began to shake her.
"Wake up, Ava." She was fully awake and aware herself now, and she spoke with every inch of command and authority that she possessed. It was a tone that sent underlings at the Beacon scurrying for cover and left even those who knew her well and didn't have to answer to her faintly trembling.
Ava whimpered again, her eyelids fluttering.
"Wake up, damn it!" Olivia repeated. She did not want to watch Ava reliving this moment. It was too painful for both of them.
"Mom?" Ava sounded just as confused and disoriented as she had been when she had first woken up. But at least Ava was awake. "Damn it, Mom, stop shaking me!" The words were slurred together, whether from sleep or if she was still slightly drunk Olivia wasn't sure, but she didn't care that much either. At least she wasn't still sleeping. "What are you trying to do, kill me?" She mumbled pulling the sheet up further around her shoulders to block out the room's cool air.
The words hit Olivia like a sucker punch and she let go of Ava as if she had just touched a hot stove. "You were having a nightmare," Olivia explained dully. In the dream, that wasn't a dream, that had been an all too real set of events, she had left Ava trapped under a door at the Beacon in a fire, desperate to find Emma, uncertain if the little girl was in the building and scared to death for her. At the time she hadn't known Ava was her daughter. She had told herself that there was no choice, that Emma was just a child and wouldn't know what to do in the midst of the fire, and she had sent the first person that she saw back for Ava. But finding herself back in that suite with Ava trapped and the fire approaching had become a recurring nightmare of hers after she had discovered that Ava was her daughter. What would she have done then? Even then choosing between Emma and Ava would have been an impossible choice and one that had sent her heart racing and left her distressed for hours after she woke.
Olivia could see the moment when Ava truly woke up; her eyelids snapped open and she sat up in bed, the covers falling down into her lap. She looked around the room with wild eyes, finally focusing in on Olivia. Her chest heaved with quick, panicked breaths as she struggled to regain her calm.
"Mom?" Her voice quavered, making her sound much younger than she actually was.
"I'm right here," Olivia answered her. Her guilt and remembered fear pushed back against the need to reassure Ava that she was fine, and that the nightmare she had been having was just that - a dream - now. It had happened; there was no denying that, but they had survived it. By some miracle - the same miracles that Olivia didn't like to admit existed - they had been given a second chance then, and now, and Olivia didn't want to waste it. "You're okay. You were having a nightmare."
Ava's breathing had slowed and the look in her eyes was a little bit calmer, but she still seemed upset. "It wasn't just a nightmare," she blurted out after a moment's hesitation. "It was real; it happened."
"I know," Olivia said, looking down unable to meet her eyes in that moment. "The fire at the Beacon."
"How did you-?" Ava demanded.
"You were talking in your sleep."
Ava scooted back a little, sitting up straighter against the headboard and pulling the sheet and blankets with her, and drawing her knees up to her chest. She rested her chin on them and frowned. "It's been a long time since I've dreamed about that."
"I'm sorry." What else could she say? And even that was horribly inadequate.
"You didn't know," Ava said the words quietly. "You were terrified for Emma. I get it."
"I don't," Olivia countered. "When I found out," She laid a hand on Ava's wrist. "I started having nightmares about that night, about something happening to you, instead of you making it out of there. It terrified me. It still does. If I had known then..." She shook her head, unwilling to lie to her daughter, but turned her face up to look at Ava. "I don't know what I would have done. I couldn't move that door, Ava. I tried. I really did."
Ava looked up at her from under the hair falling messily across her eyes. "Really?" She sounded so vulnerable it nearly broke Olivia's heart.
She settled for nodding, not trusting her voice in that moment. "Don't you know..." She swallowed back her emotions for a second time. "Don't you know what it would do to me if anything happened to you?"
Ava shrugged, the gesture looking truncated with her body scrunched up the way that it was. "I know how much you love Emma, and I know you love me." Ava's hand covered hers, squeezing it in a gesture that was meant to be reassuring. "I just...sometimes I feel like if I disappeared from your life it would just go back to the way it was before. You wouldn't be missing anything; I would just be gone, and...and you might be better off for it, right? I mean you wouldn't have to deal with Jeffrey if I wasn't a part of your life."
"Sweetie," Olivia cut her off before she could go any further. "I would deal with a thousand Jeffreys for you, and if you weren't here-" The catch in her voice surprised her. "You would leave a gaping hole in my life. I know we don't talk as much as we should, and I need to come out to San Francisco and visit you more often, but not a day goes by when I don't think of you. You're my daughter and you're a big part of my life. I was so glad when I heard that you were coming to visit." Olivia paused, biting a corner of her bottom lip, unsure of what she was about to say. "I know why you left Springfield; I understand that you had to go, but I hated that you left. It made me so sad that you were gone. I missed you," she said simply. "I missed the time we spent together."
Ava sniffled loudly, tilting her head to wipe the tears on her cheek off against the comforter on her knees. "I missed you too," she confessed. "I thought about moving back." She shook her head. "It's just that once I was gone, I didn't know how to come back. I didn't know if you would want me to. It was such a mess when I was here and now you have this wonderful life with Emma and Francesca and Natalia and you live in this cozy little farmhouse. It's not me, Mom. I don't know where I fit."
"You fit with me," Olivia responded immediately. "With me and Emma and Francesca and Natalia and this farmhouse." She hesitated and then finished it. "You fit with Jeffrey."
Ava's lips pressed into a thin, disapproving line at that comment. "I'm not sure about that either."
"I am," Olivia said firmly. "Jeffry loves you. You're a very important part of his life."
"It doesn't feel like it," Ava blurted out. "I don't think he noticed when I left. He was on the phone with Reva - yelling at her about how he had a right to see Colin."
She had forgiven Jeffrey. It had taken time, but in the end she had done it. For herself, so that she could stop hating him, stop letting that emotion consume her and eat into the good parts of her life. But mostly she had forgiven Jeffrey for Ava's sake, because her daughter had almost died because of a hitman she had contracted and if a father was what she needed, then that was what she would do for her. Jeffrey had proven to be a good father to Ava - until now. That she couldn't let go so easily, but right now what Ava needed wasn't her anger. Ava needed her mother, to comfort her and tell her it was okay, and that was what she would do. Jeffrey, she could deal with later.
"It's okay to be angry at him."
Ava's head snapped up with a denial ready to fall out of her mouth.
"He was gone for over a year and he let everyone who loved him think that he was dead," Olivia pointed out. "Anyone would be angry."
Ava shook her head rapidly, tears falling down her cheeks. "It's not like that."
Olivia fiddled with the hem of the sheet. "I was angry at Natalia when she came back. Angry and so relieved that she was okay, that she was back, but I could hardly look at her."
"What did you do, then?"
"I tried to cut her out of my heart," Olivia said simply. "I had to protect myself. I didn't want to let her get close enough to hurt me again, and it was such a mess. Frank was still in love with her and there was Francesca. There was no way it should have worked. I thought I couldn't trust her."
"But you did," Ava pointed out. "You're here."
Olivia nodded. "We're all here." She shrugged. "I don't know. It was hard to trust her again. Some days I still wake up scared that this was all a dream. It's not easy; I don't think Frank is ever going to let it go. Some times he's okay, but other times I think he resents that I'm an important part of Francesca's life. He hasn't done anything about it yet, but one day he's going to and I have a feeling he's going to put Francesca right in the middle. That's the last thing we want, and I will do whatever it takes to stop that. Even if that means coddling Frank."
"Just like you did for me - forgiving Jeffrey." Ava spoke so quietly that Olivia could barely hear her. It was rare that she openly acknowledged what Jeffrey had done to Olivia.
Olivia didn't trust herself to speak; she could only nod briefly in acknowledgment.
"I'm sorry," Ava whispered. "You told me he hurt you but I still had to know him. I'm sorry I made him be a part of your life."
"He's your father; you deserved to know him." Olivia shook her head, repeating the words she had clung to when it had become clear that Ava needed Jeffrey to be a part of her life, but something in her eased at Ava's words, her acknowledgment of what Jeffrey had done. A tear began to slip down her cheek.
"How can you say that?" Ava asked, her voice full of disbelief.
"Because he's your father and you needed him."
"You did that for me." It was as much a statement as a question as Ava tested the truth of what she had said.
"Yes."
Ava nodded, more to herself than to anything Olivia had said. "I want to stay here - in Springfield."
"I would love that."
Ava reached and then hesitated. Olivia saw it and realized what she had been about to do. She held her arms out to Ava, but didn't touch her, knowing that she needed reassurance that her embrace would be welcome, but also that she needed to take that final step for herself. Ava didn't hesitate any longer, but sank willingly into her arms, letting Olivia hold her and stroke her hair as she she struggled to hold back more tears.
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The image of Olivia bouncing off walls down the hall is quite grin worthy and having her head to Francesca's room out of habit is perfect.
Plus, it shows just how much of a mom she is - even though she sleeps like the dead, Olivia still hears and responds to her kids, fully awake or not.
Ava dreaming about the fire is heartbreaking for them both. *sniffles* But it made for a lovely opening to have a wonderful conversation and kudos to both of them sharing and not throwing up defenses.
Like that Ava acknowledged what Jeffrey had done and truly realized what Olivia was willing to do for her. Soothed a lot of wounds for them both, I think.
I can see how Ava would need to...to...kind of ignore what he'd done to have a relationship with him. It's really hard to love someone and yet know that they've done despicable things and it's natural to just try and bury it all deep.
Now...I still don't get why she wanted to find and know her rapist father so bad, before knowing it was Jeffrey. It would have made more sense if she already had a fairly close relationship to Jeffrey before finding out he was her dad and wanting a relationship because she already knew him. If that makes any sense..
I don't think Frank is ever going to let it go. Some times he's okay, but other times I think he resents that I'm an important part of Francesca's life. He hasn't done anything about it yet, but one day he's going to and I have a feeling he's going to put Francesca right in the middle.
Have a feeling dear Frankie figures Olivia's gonna up and leave at any time, so all he has to do is bid his time. *smacks Frank*
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Love your work and eagerly awaiting the next chapter in this story! Also, looking forward to more Abby & Ziva fics... Thanks, Lisa
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I was guna quote some, but that may be too long. Loved the Olivia/Natalia talk to pieces :)
And you made a really good point there of Olivia sacrificing twice for people she loves. I hope Natalia realizes this too, but I’m sure she does :)
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Great update
Waiting for more.
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Very touching to see Ava see what Olivia did for her in regard to Jeffrey. I just want to hug them both.
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It's funny how I just can't seem to get over my Frankie-hate. Heh.
Anyway, just tell me when and where, and I'll be there.
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I know what you mean about not understanding how Ava could want to know Jeffrey. I found a clip when I was looking on backstory for this that really helped me understand a little. Ava accused Olivia of lying about what Jeffrey had done and not believing anything Olivia said because Olivia had already lied about so much to her. I think it was partly that, and partly that Ava needed a parent who wasn't Olivia and the way Olivia had been acting was a good excuse to give Jeffrey a pass on it. Not really acceptable behavior but understandable in a way given that Olivia had just sent a hitman after her.
I guess that was why I didn't buy the sudden Frank and Blake love connection, because to me he never really seemed over Natalia, and especially with a baby in the picture and all those "mother of your child feelings" I can see Frank not always acting appropriately toward Natalia, and having a hard time with his feelings.
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It might be a while for the A/Z stuff. This monstrosity of a fic is keeping me pretty busy!
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In this fic version of mine, I think Natalia has had a chance to understand Olivia more and the consequences of her own actions more than the one that we saw in the final days of the show. Anyway, I'll stop rambling. I'm really glad you're enjoying this! :D
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Re: Great update
Thank you for sharing it with me.
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I think Ava being able to see some similarities between her situation and the one with Francesca really helped her to understand and appreciate Olivia more.
I can understand why they didn't have a good relationship in the beginning but I still don't think Ava gives Olivia full credit or even acknowledgment for certain things, not out of malice but just because it's easier.
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The Frank/Blake thing was sooooo forced. Blah. I have to agree that they never showed Frank getting over Natalia.
In the scene by the railroad with Olivia telling Frank to go after Natalia again after her return (smacks Olivia) is when I think Frank finally realized that Olivia really did love Natalia. Now, I don't think he thought it could last, that Olivia wouldn't screw things up/cheat/abandon Natalia - but he did seem to get what Olivia felt was real and not a scam.
What we did not see him ever realize is that Natalia was never in love with him. Frank still thought that Olivia stole her from him and ruined his relationship, not that the relationship itself was just a result of Natalia's gay panic.
Which would totally feed into his delusion of thinking that 1)things will not last between Otalia and 2)he can still swoop in pick up where things left off with Natalia when that happens.
And Blake deserves better than to be the rebound girl, anyway. *smacks Frank again*
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