![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: The Importance of Family
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Ava Peralta, Emma Spencer, Jeffrey O'neil
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: R...I'm gonna say because there are some disturbing themes explored in here and some violence, although I don't think either is described in graphic detail.
Word count: 5,199
Summary: Life goes on. Sometimes it throws you a curveball and you never know what's coming your way on any given day.
Spoilers: Takes place around Thanksgiving '10, and includes the events of the finale.
Author's Note: This fic is solely for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kelltwomyn. I was bemoaning the fact that I wasn't going to be able to afford a Venice subscription and she swooped in and got when for me when I said I'd be willing to offer fic in exchange. I hope this fic is both somewhat what you were hoping for and also worth your ten bucks and the wait. I really have enjoyed Venice so far. Thank you. :)
Beta: Many thanks toq_wordy13 for beta'ing this for me! Your insights, comments, suggestions and encouragement have all been very much appreciated! :D
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Warning: This story eventually deals with Olivia's rape. I don't think it's discussed graphically, but I don't want anyone to stumble upon it unaware either.
Part One || Part Two
Part Three
Olivia stared at the door for a long moment. Ava wouldn't be coming back in. She knew that. Ava was her daughter and for two people who had spent so little time together in the grand scheme of things, they were so very much alike. Ava had her temper and her stubbornness, which made for a very unpleasant situation when they argued, neither woman willing to back down.
There was a heartbeat, a moment, where she considered going after Ava, pleading with her to stay instead of demanding it. It wouldn't work, but her worry for her daughter was so great that she actually took a step forward before she could stop herself. Turning away from temptation, Olivia glanced around the now deserted living room. It was as unsatisfying as it had been before Ava came in. There was nothing here to soothe her raging thoughts or give her the answers she needed but did not have. What she needed was Natalia.
The thought stopped her short. Natalia. She hadn't told her anything yet, and she was being remarkably patient about asking. She had known that something was very badly wrong since Olivia had left the house earlier, but she hadn't pushed or asked again once she had made certain everyone was okay. It was hard for Olivia to imagine that kind of patience. She always had to know, had to make certain that everything was okay. But now she couldn't. Ava had stood firm on that. So now she needed to go and talk to Natalia, let her know what was going on and to check on Emma and make sure her youngest daughter was still okay. She was such a strong, brave little girl, but she was still just a little girl.
"There you are," Natalia said with a smile that looked just a little bit forced to Olivia. "Emma was starting to wonder where you were and if you'd changed your mind about hot chocolate."
"We made you some, Mommy," Emma said, carefully grabbing a full mug off the table and holding it out to Olivia. The mug in front of her was half-empty and only a thin white layer of foam remained as an indication that there had once been marshmallows on top.
"Thanks, Em," she replied, taking the mug from her with a smile that she didn't feel and a sip of the lukewarm liquid because she knew it was required. At this point she would do anything to cheer up her younger daughter, since she'd failed so spectacularly with her eldest.
"Can I take the rest of my hot chocolate up to my room?" Emma blurted out. "Ava told me she was going to beat me at video games later and I want to practice."
"About that," Olivia spoke carefully. "I'm not sure if Ava's going to be back later."
"But she just got here," Emma whined. "Why did she have to go already? Is it because of what happened in the park? It wasn't her fault, Mommy. I was the one who wanted to go."
"No, of course it's not your fault." Olivia reassured her immediately, holding out her arm to the little girl, who quickly got up and walked into her arms. "It has nothing to do with that, baby. She just wanted to spend some time with Jeffrey." Natalia's little gasp at the unexpected name didn't escape her attention, but she didn't take her eyes off Emma. "It's been a while since they've seen each other." How to explain dead fathers who kept coming back to life? She had no idea. "But I'm sure she'll be back to spend some time with you later." Hopefully.
"Okay," Emma still seemed a little bit disappointed. Her frown turned a bit more questioning. "But can I still go practice for when she gets here?"
Olivia laughed softly at Emma's persistence. "Sure you can." She was relieved to see a little bit more of Emma's bubbly nature returning but she couldn't resist giving her one last tight hug before Emma ran for the stairs.
"Don't spill your chocolate," she called out after her, knowing even as she did that it would fall on deaf ears.
Olivia sighed as she saw Natalia sink into the recently vacated seat beside her. A finger ran slowly across her open palm and Olivia immediately reached for her hand. She felt better just having Natalia to hold on to. She brought their hands to her lips and placed a kiss on Natalia's knuckles.
"You want to tell me what happened?" Natalia asked gently, as if the actual details weren't that important. She still wasn't pushing and Olivia was grateful.
She managed to convey the details as succinctly as possible, not leaving out the more colorful exchanges she'd had with Jeffrey and Ava but not providing a play-by-play description of them either.
"Okay," Natalia said simply, when she finally came to the end, just having explained about Ava's absence.
Olivia arched a disbelieving eyebrow. "Okay? That's it? Don't you have something else to say?"
"Not at the moment." Natalia stood and put her hand on Olivia's shoulder. "Right now, I need to go check on Francesca, and I want to look in on Emma and make sure she's okay. Then I think we need to talk."
"About?" Olivia asked, rising to follow her.
"About what's really bothering you," Natalia said simply.
"What's really-" Olivia bit her words off and started over. "Two of my daughters could have been shot - or worse - today, Natalia. That's what's bothering me. That and the fact that Jeffrey doesn't seem to care."
"Nope, that's not it," Natalia said simply. "I know you, Olivia, and I know that something else is going on."
Olivia pulled away, crossing her arms over her chest. "I think I would know better than you what's going on with me."
The wail of a thin cry from upstairs broke the growing tension.
"Can you get her?" Natalia asked. "I'll get her food ready."
Olivia accepted the temporary truce and went to get Francesca. She was crying in her crib and making her displeasure well known. Her face was red and blotchy and tears were tracing down her chubby little cheeks. The sight of her, clearly looking unhappy tugged at Olivia's heart. She crossed the room to her quickly and picked her up.
Francesca began to quiet almost immediately in her arms, comforted by the familiar sight and scent of her.
"It's not that bad, is it, Sweetheart?" Olivia asked rhetorically as the unmistakable smell of a dirty diaper hit her. With her free hand she gently wiped the tears from Francesca's cheeks and kissed the top of her head. She lingered there; her cheek pressed against the thick, downy-soft ringlets on top of her head, and closed her eyes, soaking in the peace of the moment.
Francesca didn't judge, argue or need an explanation. With her, when it was just she and Olivia, it was so simple. Francesca needed her and she was there. It was no more difficult than that. There were no gray areas or misunderstandings. Francesca couldn't argue with her or chose to put herself in danger.
With a sigh, Olivia opened her eyes and dismissed her wistful, frustrated thoughts. It was time to get down to business. Fairly dirty business, she concluded, a few seconds later as she pulled off Francesca's diaper and began the process of replacing it as she struggled to keep Francesca in place. Her littlest girl was now well skilled in the art of crawling and was beginning to progress onto walking. It took diaper changing duties to a whole new level of fun.
Finally with a quieted, freshly diapered Francesca in her arms, Olivia started back down the stairs and then stopped. She turned back and hesitated just outside the door to Emma's room. With the tip of her boots, she nudged it open a little bit more so she could see inside. She caught a glimpse of Emma through the thin strip of her room that it revealed. For once, Olivia was happy to see her so deeply involved with a video game that she didn't notice she was standing there. There was also a slight smile at the edge of her lips, despite the look of fierce concentration that dominated the rest of her face. It eased something in Olivia's heart to see her smiling again. Maybe Emma hadn't been totally traumatized by the events of the morning.
Letting the door fall shut again, Olivia retreated, heading down to Natalia. Francesca squirmed in her arms, obviously wide awake now and full of energy, forcing her to put a gentle hand on her back to keep her from over-balancing right out of Olivia's arms.
"If Em's my Jellybean, then you're definitely my Wiggle-worm," Olivia pronounced, nodding firmly at her daughter as if the matter was settled as they passed through the living room.
Francesca grabbed for her hair, moving tantalizingly close with each nod of Olivia's head, but Olivia swept it out of reach at the last instant with a well practiced toss of her head.
"Your daughter," she said pointedly, as she plopped Francesca down in her high chair and got her situated. "Is a wild woman."
Natalia snorted. "Oh, my daughter, huh? I think that's all your influence."
Olivia wrinkled her nose in mock-annoyance. "Why is it always my fault?" Somehow her words came out with a bit more frustration than she had intended - real frustration.
Natalia stopped mid-motion, a spoonful of mashed - well, Olivia wasn't certain what it was, but she was glad she wasn't the one who had to eat it - hovering mid-air a few inches away from Francesca's waiting mouth.
Olivia winced, knowing that Natalia hadn't deserved to draw her ire. She wasn't the one that was upsetting Olivia. She opened her mouth to apologize, but Natalia spoke first.
"It isn't your fault," she said softly, keeping her gaze firmly pinned to Olivia's, knowing that they were no longer discussing Francesca's wilder tendencies. "Why would it be?"
"Because it always is," Olivia said facetiously, as she watched Natalia finally follow through on Francesca's first bite. "I ruined Ava's life, didn't I? I-" She bit off that the thought, the rest of what she had done to Ava. Natalia put her children first, had put Rafe first her whole life. Could she forgive Olivia for what she had done before she had known that Ava was hers?
"You didn't ruin her life," Natalia said firmly. "You did what you had to, what you thought was best for her at the time."
"Did I?" Olivia had always thought of herself as a good mother. Maybe not the most experienced and there were times she had felt over her head, but she had always put Emma first. Always. She had tried to do the right thing, but with Ava.... It was difficult to remember what she had been thinking and feeling back then. The loss of her mother had been devastating in its own way, and with it all of life's practicalities had come crashing down suddenly on Olivia's shoulders.
She was responsible not just for herself, but for an older sister and a brother who was barely three years old. Money was short and what there was had gone to cover the necessities of her mother's funeral and their living expenses in the first few months before she had been able to find a job. By the time she had managed to scrape together the money for the abortion she had begged her mother for it had been far too late.
After that, it hadn't been easy to give Ava away exactly, but it had seemed necessary. The three of them were barely scraping by as it was, and Olivia was constantly discovering expenses that she'd had no idea about before. She couldn't imagine trying to find the money necessary to support a baby that she hadn't wanted to begin with on top of it all. So she had signed the papers that would let them take Ava away and give her to someone who could provide a better home and life for her, and she had tried not to look too closely at the baby that she had held in her arms for such a brief period of time.
Whatever else she might not be able to remember, she recalled clearly the moment they had come to take Ava from her. There had been a moment of terror, when her arms had curled around her child and she was never going to let her go. In that moment, Ava had been completely hers and then the reality of the situation had come hurtling back. She remembered how much she had not wanted this child, this reminder of what had been done to her, and the impossibility of her situation and she opened her arms.
The nurse had scooped Ava up and lifted her away from Olivia and all she had felt was a bitter sense of relief.
It was an act that had haunted Olivia through most of her adult life. She had forced the memory away, refusing to dwell on it, but it had eaten at her in the most subtle of ways, constantly there even if she chose not to acknowledge it.
"Of course you did," Natalia said with gentle firmness, moving around Francesca's high chair until she was close enough to touch Olivia, putting her hand on her arm.
Olivia shook her head. Natalia always seemed to see the best in her. Most of the time it made her want to be a better person, to live up to what Natalia saw in her, but this time Olivia knew she was wrong.
"You weren't there," she said quietly. "I didn't want her, Natalia." She forced herself to look up at Natalia. "I didn't just want to give her up for adoption. I told my mother that I wanted an abortion." She remembered the way that Natalia had reacted when Daisy had gotten an abortion so she was expecting some sign of disapproval from her - a grimace, a furrowed brown, her eyes narrowing in judgment. She got none of those things.
"You didn't go through with it." Natalia said as if that made all the difference.
Olivia laughed bitterly and shook her head. "It's not what you're thinking."
"What am I thinking?" Natalia asked.
"That I got to the clinic and had a sudden change of heart, realized that I couldn't kill my baby. Something like that. It wasn't."
"Then what did happen?"
Olivia hesitated. She didn't really want to have this conversation with Natalia. She had a choice. She could tell her everything or she could come up with some half-truth that would satisfy Natalia's curiosity without revealing the darkest secrets of her own past. It would be a lie of omission, nothing more. But half-truths and evasions had led them to a wedding where Olivia had stood by and watched Natalia prepare to marry a man she didn't love and walk away from her forever. She didn't want to repeat those mistakes.
Her decision, however, didn't make it any less terrifying. She had already lost Natalia once, losing her again...
"I killed my mother."
There was a moment of silence, where her words seemed to hang heavily in between them. Once again she was holding her breath, waiting for Natalia to react badly, to find out that she had finally managed to push this good woman too far. Instead, Natalia put down the jar of baby food and spoon, setting them down on the table, and passed the Sippy cup into Francesca's outstretched hands, while never breaking eye-contact with Olivia. Then Natalia rose and eliminated the distance between them.
She picked up Olivia's hands and drew them to her, holding them to her chest, just above her heart. Olivia trembled within her grip, knowing that Natalia could break her with just one word. Her eyes fell closed, unable to meet Natalia's gaze this time. How could she? Her breathing began to speed up and the urge to pull her hands away from Natalia's grasp intensified.
"Olivia." Natalia spoke her name firmly enough that her eyes snapped open of their own volition. Letting go with one hand, she reached out to cup Olivia's cheek and titled her head up to meet her gaze. "You need to calm down."
There was nothing Natalia could have said that would have surprised her more. "What?"
"You need to calm down," Natalia repeated. Her hand dropped to Olivia's chest. "Your heart is racing and if you don't slow down, you're going to hyperventilate. Please, Sweetheart."
It was the simple plea and the endearment that followed it that managed to seep through the fear that had been growing and growing inside of her, throwing her thoughts into chaos. She was still too panicked to reply, but she nodded and struggled to take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Then another.
Natalia pulled her forward, wrapping an arm around her neck and drawing her closer. Olivia let her head sink forward onto Natalia's shoulder and buried her face in the thick cloud of her hair. Its familiar scent calmed and soothed her, until her breathing began to steady. The solid, warmth of Natalia's body pressed against her was its own kind of balm. Natalia had heard what she had said, become witness to one of her deepest secrets and she hadn't run away. In fact she was standing even closer to her than before the conversation had begun.
There was a slight thud and then a thin, unhappy wail shattered the silence. Olivia loosened her grip on Natalia and eased away from her enough that she could see Francesca.
"You should feed her. She's hungry," Olivia said, her voice hoarse from the strain of moments before and glad for the diversion in the form of her youngest daughter.
"I'll do that," Natalia said, letting her hand run down Olivia's arms until their fingers tangled together. Gently, she tugged Olivia toward the table and sank to a seat in front of Francesca. "Tell me what happened." Their arms where stretched out between them, but Natalia refused to let go of Olivia. Finally she sank into a seat, her free hand coming up to rub at the bridge of her nose.
"I don't know how to tell you this. There's so much."
"Start at the beginning," Natalia suggested simply as she deftly reopened the jar of baby food and scooped out a spoonful, brushing it against Francesca's lips until she opened up.
Her fingers clenched tightly around Natalia's as she thought about everything that entailed. She opened her mouth, not certain what she was going to say even as she did. What came out was nothing that she had expected.
"My father called me his little princess. He was the only one. He made me feel special and safe and he understood me like no one else did." Her lips twitched with a remembered smile. "When I got into trouble, he would laugh." Her smile faded. "My mother just got angrier and angrier because no matter how hard I tried, I could never stay out of trouble." Her lips curved bitterly upwards. "Eventually I just stopped trying. It was more fun that way, and I was going to get into trouble no matter what I did."
"Olivia..." The understanding in Natalia's voice was almost her undoing. She couldn't hold her gaze and instead she looked away to Francesca. She ran a hand over her loose curls, combing her fingers through silky hair and stroking her head tenderly, almost reverently.
"There was this ball. I was sixteen and I wanted to go so badly. I, it was this fairy tale to me. I thought if could go to this ball and fit in there, that it would be magical and spectacular. I would be a princess and I would find some Prince Charming who could sweep me away from it all. He could take me away from my mother and I could do and be whatever I wanted. I wouldn't have to worry about not having anything that I wanted ever again." Olivia took a deep breath. "Of course, I knew she wouldn't want me to go. I thought she was trying to hold me back, that she was jealous. That she didn't want me to have what she couldn't." She looked up to meet Natalia's eyes then. "She was just trying to protect me. She didn't want anything to happen to me, but I went anyway."
Natalia's hand had stilled and she was biting the corner of her lip. Her attention had shifted completely from Francesca and back to Olivia.
"It was just as wonderful as I had imagined. I had to talk my way in but I was so excited when I managed it. I couldn't quite believe I'd done it, and there was this boy there. A young man really, who had helped me convince them that it was alright for me to be there. We danced and he made me feel safe and special. He gave me punch and I felt so grown up. I drank it and drank it until I wasn't feeling good anymore. I told him I needed to lay down. He told me he would help me and I trusted him." She shook her head, before giving Francesca's head one last caress and letting her hand fall away. She swallowed. "I passed out at some point, and when I woke up the next morning, I knew what had happened. Then I had to go home and pretend nothing had happened, because there was no way I could tell my mother."
"What happened?" Natalia prompted her softly.
As the silence had stretched out in front of them, the look in Olivia's eyes had grown more and more distant until it began to worry Natalia. She felt a brief pang of regret that she had made her recount what was obviously a very painful period of her life, but she was only just realizing that there was so much about Olivia that she hadn't known. There was so much that she still didn't know. Intellectually she had known that there were large parts of their lives that they hadn't discussed, but it hadn't seemed like a big deal at the time. She knew everything she needed to know about Olivia and the kind of woman that she was. She knew that she loved and trusted her and that was enough.
What she was discovering this afternoon was that it wasn't always a simple as leaving the past in the past. It changed and defined a person, making them who they were today because of the choices they had made. Beginning to get a small picture of some of the things that had occurred in Olivia's past, it left her in awe of the strong, stubborn, wonderful, loving woman that she wanted to share the rest of her life with.
"Your mother found out somehow," Natalia added, gently, reaching out touch her wrist, leaving her fingers resting there. She didn't want to startle Olivia, but she needed the reassurance of that connection to Olivia. She hoped that it would help Olivia too. "You told me that much."
Olivia nodded jerkily, but it was a response, the first she had gotten in a while, and relief surged in her. It didn't keep her from noticing the tears that slipped down Olivia's cheek or the way that she titled her face up away from Natalia, trying futilely to hide her tears. Not attempting to turn Olivia back to, Natalia brought her hands up to Olivia's face and wiped the traitorous tears away.
"When I figured out that I was pregnant, I had to tell her," Olivia said, her voice hoarse and tight. She looked back to Natalia and her eyes pleaded for understanding and forgiveness that she wouldn't ever ask for. "I wanted - I had to have - an abortion, Natalia. I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't have his child. I couldn't."
"I know," Natalia soothed, her thumbs still tracing over Olivia's cheeks, even though her tears had long since been brushed away.
Olivia caught her wrists, and pulled her hands gently away from her face. "How can you say that? I know how you feel about that."
Her chin trembled at the thought of what she was about to say. There was no way that Natalia could do anything but be completely honest with Olivia, not after she had been sitting here and baring her soul to her for the last half hour, but she hadn't admitted this to anyone before. Not even the nuns at the retreat. Especially not them.
She leaned forward until her lips were a breath away from Olivia's ear. There was no way she could say this aloud if she saw Olivia looking back at her. With one last glance back at her daughter, she turned and spoke so that only Olivia could hear her.
"Do you really think the thought never crossed my mind when I found out-" about Francesca. But saying her daughter's name in connection with that sentence, with her daughter sitting in the high chair next to them, that she can't do. "When I found out I was pregnant again."
Olivia's hands clenched tightly around Natalia's wrists. "I didn't know."
"I know." Natalia took a deep breath and then another. "I'm not proud of myself for thinking it, Olivia, but I do understand. I don't blame you."
"My mother did - blame me, I mean. She said I got what I had coming."
"I'm sorry," Natalia said, and she meant it. "No one should say that to their child. I can't imagine." A sudden horrible thought occurred to her. "You do know she was wrong, don't you?"
"Was she, Natalia? If I hadn't gone..."
"It wasn't appropriate for a sixteen year old to attend that kind of party," Natalia said firmly, drawing a slightly startled look from Olivia at her tone. "But you should still been safe. That boy," her voice trembled with rage. "He was the one that took advantage of you, who did something wrong. He was, Olivia. Not you."
"It doesn't matter," Olivia dismissed it, with a shake of her head. "I went; it happened. Now, I just have to..." As she spoke, Olivia's grip on her wrists had loosened, falling away with the urgency of their conversation, lost in this new thought that had struck her. "Do you think she was right?"
Natalia didn't miss the aching vulnerability of her final question. All of her determination and stubborn insistence had drained away and she was left with the broken, scared sixteen year old girl whose life would never be the same. Then it was Natalia's turn to cradle Olivia's hands close to her, needing their connection. It was rare that she had ever seen Olivia so lost and it frightened her every time. Olivia was the strongest person that she had ever known, stronger than Natalia had ever realized and to see her so shaken by the demons within her made Natalia's heart ache.
"Right about what?" Natalia asked. She was almost afraid to ask, not because she was worried about discovering something else about Olivia, but this day had already seen enough traumatic events and draining realizations. She didn't want to see one more hurt piled on top of Olivia.
"About being glad Jeffrey was dead," Olivia answered, her voice almost completely devoid of any tone.
"No one would blame you, if you were," Natalia said, her voice as cold as Olivia had ever heard it. She had known that the abortion Olivia had considered getting involved Ava. Given that Jeffrey was Ava's father it only made sense that he was the boy who had raped Olivia. There had been no particular point in the conversation where Natalia had become aware of that, but she had known it. It had taken Olivia bringing him into the conversation for Natalia to realize the anger that had been growing slowly and steadily inside her from the first moment it had become clear what Olivia was confessing to her.
That man had been in her house, sat at their table, and shared a drink with them. He had spilled his woes to them, expecting and receiving friendship and sympathy and once upon a time been married to Olivia. It made Natalia's stomach want to revolt more than any horrible bout of morning sickness ever had. She swallowed, pushing back what she was feeling for Olivia's sake. There would time for her to rage and cry and swear to never let Jeffrey inside the farmhouse or within sight of Olivia ever again, later.
Her eyes flicked back up just in time to catch another slight shake of Olivia's head.
"I don't....I hated him for so long, Natalia. It was like this thing inside me that burned. It consumed me. I hated him for what he had done to me, and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't make him pay and that made me hate him more." Olivia's eyes fell shut. "The problem was that I hated him so completely that it was destroying everything else in my life, everything good. I had to stop hating Jeffrey before I could love anyone else." She frowned. "Anyone besides Emma." She hesitated again. "I never wanted that part of my life to touch her," Olivia confided, in a whisper.
"It hasn't," Natalia reassured her immediately. She couldn't stop herself from reaching out to run her fingers down Olivia's cheek and brushing a lock of escaped hair back behind her ear, even if she did move slower than she usually would have, careful not to startle her. "You're amazing."
The wonder in her voice snapped Olivia's eyes open. "What are you talking about?" She asked warily.
"I've seen you with, Jeffrey. You treat him like a friend."
"I had to for my sake and for Ava's sake. She needed both of her parents and after everything I had done to her-" And she still hadn't told Natalia about that "-it seemed like the least I could do." She shrugged. "Eventually I didn't have to pretend anymore."
"And that's what makes you amazing. You were friends with him, Olivia. You forgave him." She slid her fingers over Olivia's lips when she started to protest. "Do you know how many devout people could have done that? I'll tell you: not many."
Olivia stared at her for a long moment and Natalia held her gaze steadily, hoping that Olivia could see something of how she saw Olivia in her eyes, because it was wonderful. She was wonderful.
Without a word, Olivia held up her hands and just as she had once, months before, Natalia knew immediately what she was asking, slipping her arms around Olivia and holding her close. She would never let go, not as long as Olivia needed to hang on.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Ava Peralta, Emma Spencer, Jeffrey O'neil
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: R...I'm gonna say because there are some disturbing themes explored in here and some violence, although I don't think either is described in graphic detail.
Word count: 5,199
Summary: Life goes on. Sometimes it throws you a curveball and you never know what's coming your way on any given day.
Spoilers: Takes place around Thanksgiving '10, and includes the events of the finale.
Author's Note: This fic is solely for
kelltwomyn. I was bemoaning the fact that I wasn't going to be able to afford a Venice subscription and she swooped in and got when for me when I said I'd be willing to offer fic in exchange. I hope this fic is both somewhat what you were hoping for and also worth your ten bucks and the wait. I really have enjoyed Venice so far. Thank you. :) Beta: Many thanks to
q_wordy13 for beta'ing this for me! Your insights, comments, suggestions and encouragement have all been very much appreciated! :D Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer, Ava Peralta, blah blah etc.) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Warning: This story eventually deals with Olivia's rape. I don't think it's discussed graphically, but I don't want anyone to stumble upon it unaware either.
Part One || Part Two
Part Three
Olivia stared at the door for a long moment. Ava wouldn't be coming back in. She knew that. Ava was her daughter and for two people who had spent so little time together in the grand scheme of things, they were so very much alike. Ava had her temper and her stubbornness, which made for a very unpleasant situation when they argued, neither woman willing to back down.
There was a heartbeat, a moment, where she considered going after Ava, pleading with her to stay instead of demanding it. It wouldn't work, but her worry for her daughter was so great that she actually took a step forward before she could stop herself. Turning away from temptation, Olivia glanced around the now deserted living room. It was as unsatisfying as it had been before Ava came in. There was nothing here to soothe her raging thoughts or give her the answers she needed but did not have. What she needed was Natalia.
The thought stopped her short. Natalia. She hadn't told her anything yet, and she was being remarkably patient about asking. She had known that something was very badly wrong since Olivia had left the house earlier, but she hadn't pushed or asked again once she had made certain everyone was okay. It was hard for Olivia to imagine that kind of patience. She always had to know, had to make certain that everything was okay. But now she couldn't. Ava had stood firm on that. So now she needed to go and talk to Natalia, let her know what was going on and to check on Emma and make sure her youngest daughter was still okay. She was such a strong, brave little girl, but she was still just a little girl.
"There you are," Natalia said with a smile that looked just a little bit forced to Olivia. "Emma was starting to wonder where you were and if you'd changed your mind about hot chocolate."
"We made you some, Mommy," Emma said, carefully grabbing a full mug off the table and holding it out to Olivia. The mug in front of her was half-empty and only a thin white layer of foam remained as an indication that there had once been marshmallows on top.
"Thanks, Em," she replied, taking the mug from her with a smile that she didn't feel and a sip of the lukewarm liquid because she knew it was required. At this point she would do anything to cheer up her younger daughter, since she'd failed so spectacularly with her eldest.
"Can I take the rest of my hot chocolate up to my room?" Emma blurted out. "Ava told me she was going to beat me at video games later and I want to practice."
"About that," Olivia spoke carefully. "I'm not sure if Ava's going to be back later."
"But she just got here," Emma whined. "Why did she have to go already? Is it because of what happened in the park? It wasn't her fault, Mommy. I was the one who wanted to go."
"No, of course it's not your fault." Olivia reassured her immediately, holding out her arm to the little girl, who quickly got up and walked into her arms. "It has nothing to do with that, baby. She just wanted to spend some time with Jeffrey." Natalia's little gasp at the unexpected name didn't escape her attention, but she didn't take her eyes off Emma. "It's been a while since they've seen each other." How to explain dead fathers who kept coming back to life? She had no idea. "But I'm sure she'll be back to spend some time with you later." Hopefully.
"Okay," Emma still seemed a little bit disappointed. Her frown turned a bit more questioning. "But can I still go practice for when she gets here?"
Olivia laughed softly at Emma's persistence. "Sure you can." She was relieved to see a little bit more of Emma's bubbly nature returning but she couldn't resist giving her one last tight hug before Emma ran for the stairs.
"Don't spill your chocolate," she called out after her, knowing even as she did that it would fall on deaf ears.
Olivia sighed as she saw Natalia sink into the recently vacated seat beside her. A finger ran slowly across her open palm and Olivia immediately reached for her hand. She felt better just having Natalia to hold on to. She brought their hands to her lips and placed a kiss on Natalia's knuckles.
"You want to tell me what happened?" Natalia asked gently, as if the actual details weren't that important. She still wasn't pushing and Olivia was grateful.
She managed to convey the details as succinctly as possible, not leaving out the more colorful exchanges she'd had with Jeffrey and Ava but not providing a play-by-play description of them either.
"Okay," Natalia said simply, when she finally came to the end, just having explained about Ava's absence.
Olivia arched a disbelieving eyebrow. "Okay? That's it? Don't you have something else to say?"
"Not at the moment." Natalia stood and put her hand on Olivia's shoulder. "Right now, I need to go check on Francesca, and I want to look in on Emma and make sure she's okay. Then I think we need to talk."
"About?" Olivia asked, rising to follow her.
"About what's really bothering you," Natalia said simply.
"What's really-" Olivia bit her words off and started over. "Two of my daughters could have been shot - or worse - today, Natalia. That's what's bothering me. That and the fact that Jeffrey doesn't seem to care."
"Nope, that's not it," Natalia said simply. "I know you, Olivia, and I know that something else is going on."
Olivia pulled away, crossing her arms over her chest. "I think I would know better than you what's going on with me."
The wail of a thin cry from upstairs broke the growing tension.
"Can you get her?" Natalia asked. "I'll get her food ready."
Olivia accepted the temporary truce and went to get Francesca. She was crying in her crib and making her displeasure well known. Her face was red and blotchy and tears were tracing down her chubby little cheeks. The sight of her, clearly looking unhappy tugged at Olivia's heart. She crossed the room to her quickly and picked her up.
Francesca began to quiet almost immediately in her arms, comforted by the familiar sight and scent of her.
"It's not that bad, is it, Sweetheart?" Olivia asked rhetorically as the unmistakable smell of a dirty diaper hit her. With her free hand she gently wiped the tears from Francesca's cheeks and kissed the top of her head. She lingered there; her cheek pressed against the thick, downy-soft ringlets on top of her head, and closed her eyes, soaking in the peace of the moment.
Francesca didn't judge, argue or need an explanation. With her, when it was just she and Olivia, it was so simple. Francesca needed her and she was there. It was no more difficult than that. There were no gray areas or misunderstandings. Francesca couldn't argue with her or chose to put herself in danger.
With a sigh, Olivia opened her eyes and dismissed her wistful, frustrated thoughts. It was time to get down to business. Fairly dirty business, she concluded, a few seconds later as she pulled off Francesca's diaper and began the process of replacing it as she struggled to keep Francesca in place. Her littlest girl was now well skilled in the art of crawling and was beginning to progress onto walking. It took diaper changing duties to a whole new level of fun.
Finally with a quieted, freshly diapered Francesca in her arms, Olivia started back down the stairs and then stopped. She turned back and hesitated just outside the door to Emma's room. With the tip of her boots, she nudged it open a little bit more so she could see inside. She caught a glimpse of Emma through the thin strip of her room that it revealed. For once, Olivia was happy to see her so deeply involved with a video game that she didn't notice she was standing there. There was also a slight smile at the edge of her lips, despite the look of fierce concentration that dominated the rest of her face. It eased something in Olivia's heart to see her smiling again. Maybe Emma hadn't been totally traumatized by the events of the morning.
Letting the door fall shut again, Olivia retreated, heading down to Natalia. Francesca squirmed in her arms, obviously wide awake now and full of energy, forcing her to put a gentle hand on her back to keep her from over-balancing right out of Olivia's arms.
"If Em's my Jellybean, then you're definitely my Wiggle-worm," Olivia pronounced, nodding firmly at her daughter as if the matter was settled as they passed through the living room.
Francesca grabbed for her hair, moving tantalizingly close with each nod of Olivia's head, but Olivia swept it out of reach at the last instant with a well practiced toss of her head.
"Your daughter," she said pointedly, as she plopped Francesca down in her high chair and got her situated. "Is a wild woman."
Natalia snorted. "Oh, my daughter, huh? I think that's all your influence."
Olivia wrinkled her nose in mock-annoyance. "Why is it always my fault?" Somehow her words came out with a bit more frustration than she had intended - real frustration.
Natalia stopped mid-motion, a spoonful of mashed - well, Olivia wasn't certain what it was, but she was glad she wasn't the one who had to eat it - hovering mid-air a few inches away from Francesca's waiting mouth.
Olivia winced, knowing that Natalia hadn't deserved to draw her ire. She wasn't the one that was upsetting Olivia. She opened her mouth to apologize, but Natalia spoke first.
"It isn't your fault," she said softly, keeping her gaze firmly pinned to Olivia's, knowing that they were no longer discussing Francesca's wilder tendencies. "Why would it be?"
"Because it always is," Olivia said facetiously, as she watched Natalia finally follow through on Francesca's first bite. "I ruined Ava's life, didn't I? I-" She bit off that the thought, the rest of what she had done to Ava. Natalia put her children first, had put Rafe first her whole life. Could she forgive Olivia for what she had done before she had known that Ava was hers?
"You didn't ruin her life," Natalia said firmly. "You did what you had to, what you thought was best for her at the time."
"Did I?" Olivia had always thought of herself as a good mother. Maybe not the most experienced and there were times she had felt over her head, but she had always put Emma first. Always. She had tried to do the right thing, but with Ava.... It was difficult to remember what she had been thinking and feeling back then. The loss of her mother had been devastating in its own way, and with it all of life's practicalities had come crashing down suddenly on Olivia's shoulders.
She was responsible not just for herself, but for an older sister and a brother who was barely three years old. Money was short and what there was had gone to cover the necessities of her mother's funeral and their living expenses in the first few months before she had been able to find a job. By the time she had managed to scrape together the money for the abortion she had begged her mother for it had been far too late.
After that, it hadn't been easy to give Ava away exactly, but it had seemed necessary. The three of them were barely scraping by as it was, and Olivia was constantly discovering expenses that she'd had no idea about before. She couldn't imagine trying to find the money necessary to support a baby that she hadn't wanted to begin with on top of it all. So she had signed the papers that would let them take Ava away and give her to someone who could provide a better home and life for her, and she had tried not to look too closely at the baby that she had held in her arms for such a brief period of time.
Whatever else she might not be able to remember, she recalled clearly the moment they had come to take Ava from her. There had been a moment of terror, when her arms had curled around her child and she was never going to let her go. In that moment, Ava had been completely hers and then the reality of the situation had come hurtling back. She remembered how much she had not wanted this child, this reminder of what had been done to her, and the impossibility of her situation and she opened her arms.
The nurse had scooped Ava up and lifted her away from Olivia and all she had felt was a bitter sense of relief.
It was an act that had haunted Olivia through most of her adult life. She had forced the memory away, refusing to dwell on it, but it had eaten at her in the most subtle of ways, constantly there even if she chose not to acknowledge it.
"Of course you did," Natalia said with gentle firmness, moving around Francesca's high chair until she was close enough to touch Olivia, putting her hand on her arm.
Olivia shook her head. Natalia always seemed to see the best in her. Most of the time it made her want to be a better person, to live up to what Natalia saw in her, but this time Olivia knew she was wrong.
"You weren't there," she said quietly. "I didn't want her, Natalia." She forced herself to look up at Natalia. "I didn't just want to give her up for adoption. I told my mother that I wanted an abortion." She remembered the way that Natalia had reacted when Daisy had gotten an abortion so she was expecting some sign of disapproval from her - a grimace, a furrowed brown, her eyes narrowing in judgment. She got none of those things.
"You didn't go through with it." Natalia said as if that made all the difference.
Olivia laughed bitterly and shook her head. "It's not what you're thinking."
"What am I thinking?" Natalia asked.
"That I got to the clinic and had a sudden change of heart, realized that I couldn't kill my baby. Something like that. It wasn't."
"Then what did happen?"
Olivia hesitated. She didn't really want to have this conversation with Natalia. She had a choice. She could tell her everything or she could come up with some half-truth that would satisfy Natalia's curiosity without revealing the darkest secrets of her own past. It would be a lie of omission, nothing more. But half-truths and evasions had led them to a wedding where Olivia had stood by and watched Natalia prepare to marry a man she didn't love and walk away from her forever. She didn't want to repeat those mistakes.
Her decision, however, didn't make it any less terrifying. She had already lost Natalia once, losing her again...
"I killed my mother."
There was a moment of silence, where her words seemed to hang heavily in between them. Once again she was holding her breath, waiting for Natalia to react badly, to find out that she had finally managed to push this good woman too far. Instead, Natalia put down the jar of baby food and spoon, setting them down on the table, and passed the Sippy cup into Francesca's outstretched hands, while never breaking eye-contact with Olivia. Then Natalia rose and eliminated the distance between them.
She picked up Olivia's hands and drew them to her, holding them to her chest, just above her heart. Olivia trembled within her grip, knowing that Natalia could break her with just one word. Her eyes fell closed, unable to meet Natalia's gaze this time. How could she? Her breathing began to speed up and the urge to pull her hands away from Natalia's grasp intensified.
"Olivia." Natalia spoke her name firmly enough that her eyes snapped open of their own volition. Letting go with one hand, she reached out to cup Olivia's cheek and titled her head up to meet her gaze. "You need to calm down."
There was nothing Natalia could have said that would have surprised her more. "What?"
"You need to calm down," Natalia repeated. Her hand dropped to Olivia's chest. "Your heart is racing and if you don't slow down, you're going to hyperventilate. Please, Sweetheart."
It was the simple plea and the endearment that followed it that managed to seep through the fear that had been growing and growing inside of her, throwing her thoughts into chaos. She was still too panicked to reply, but she nodded and struggled to take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Then another.
Natalia pulled her forward, wrapping an arm around her neck and drawing her closer. Olivia let her head sink forward onto Natalia's shoulder and buried her face in the thick cloud of her hair. Its familiar scent calmed and soothed her, until her breathing began to steady. The solid, warmth of Natalia's body pressed against her was its own kind of balm. Natalia had heard what she had said, become witness to one of her deepest secrets and she hadn't run away. In fact she was standing even closer to her than before the conversation had begun.
There was a slight thud and then a thin, unhappy wail shattered the silence. Olivia loosened her grip on Natalia and eased away from her enough that she could see Francesca.
"You should feed her. She's hungry," Olivia said, her voice hoarse from the strain of moments before and glad for the diversion in the form of her youngest daughter.
"I'll do that," Natalia said, letting her hand run down Olivia's arms until their fingers tangled together. Gently, she tugged Olivia toward the table and sank to a seat in front of Francesca. "Tell me what happened." Their arms where stretched out between them, but Natalia refused to let go of Olivia. Finally she sank into a seat, her free hand coming up to rub at the bridge of her nose.
"I don't know how to tell you this. There's so much."
"Start at the beginning," Natalia suggested simply as she deftly reopened the jar of baby food and scooped out a spoonful, brushing it against Francesca's lips until she opened up.
Her fingers clenched tightly around Natalia's as she thought about everything that entailed. She opened her mouth, not certain what she was going to say even as she did. What came out was nothing that she had expected.
"My father called me his little princess. He was the only one. He made me feel special and safe and he understood me like no one else did." Her lips twitched with a remembered smile. "When I got into trouble, he would laugh." Her smile faded. "My mother just got angrier and angrier because no matter how hard I tried, I could never stay out of trouble." Her lips curved bitterly upwards. "Eventually I just stopped trying. It was more fun that way, and I was going to get into trouble no matter what I did."
"Olivia..." The understanding in Natalia's voice was almost her undoing. She couldn't hold her gaze and instead she looked away to Francesca. She ran a hand over her loose curls, combing her fingers through silky hair and stroking her head tenderly, almost reverently.
"There was this ball. I was sixteen and I wanted to go so badly. I, it was this fairy tale to me. I thought if could go to this ball and fit in there, that it would be magical and spectacular. I would be a princess and I would find some Prince Charming who could sweep me away from it all. He could take me away from my mother and I could do and be whatever I wanted. I wouldn't have to worry about not having anything that I wanted ever again." Olivia took a deep breath. "Of course, I knew she wouldn't want me to go. I thought she was trying to hold me back, that she was jealous. That she didn't want me to have what she couldn't." She looked up to meet Natalia's eyes then. "She was just trying to protect me. She didn't want anything to happen to me, but I went anyway."
Natalia's hand had stilled and she was biting the corner of her lip. Her attention had shifted completely from Francesca and back to Olivia.
"It was just as wonderful as I had imagined. I had to talk my way in but I was so excited when I managed it. I couldn't quite believe I'd done it, and there was this boy there. A young man really, who had helped me convince them that it was alright for me to be there. We danced and he made me feel safe and special. He gave me punch and I felt so grown up. I drank it and drank it until I wasn't feeling good anymore. I told him I needed to lay down. He told me he would help me and I trusted him." She shook her head, before giving Francesca's head one last caress and letting her hand fall away. She swallowed. "I passed out at some point, and when I woke up the next morning, I knew what had happened. Then I had to go home and pretend nothing had happened, because there was no way I could tell my mother."
"What happened?" Natalia prompted her softly.
As the silence had stretched out in front of them, the look in Olivia's eyes had grown more and more distant until it began to worry Natalia. She felt a brief pang of regret that she had made her recount what was obviously a very painful period of her life, but she was only just realizing that there was so much about Olivia that she hadn't known. There was so much that she still didn't know. Intellectually she had known that there were large parts of their lives that they hadn't discussed, but it hadn't seemed like a big deal at the time. She knew everything she needed to know about Olivia and the kind of woman that she was. She knew that she loved and trusted her and that was enough.
What she was discovering this afternoon was that it wasn't always a simple as leaving the past in the past. It changed and defined a person, making them who they were today because of the choices they had made. Beginning to get a small picture of some of the things that had occurred in Olivia's past, it left her in awe of the strong, stubborn, wonderful, loving woman that she wanted to share the rest of her life with.
"Your mother found out somehow," Natalia added, gently, reaching out touch her wrist, leaving her fingers resting there. She didn't want to startle Olivia, but she needed the reassurance of that connection to Olivia. She hoped that it would help Olivia too. "You told me that much."
Olivia nodded jerkily, but it was a response, the first she had gotten in a while, and relief surged in her. It didn't keep her from noticing the tears that slipped down Olivia's cheek or the way that she titled her face up away from Natalia, trying futilely to hide her tears. Not attempting to turn Olivia back to, Natalia brought her hands up to Olivia's face and wiped the traitorous tears away.
"When I figured out that I was pregnant, I had to tell her," Olivia said, her voice hoarse and tight. She looked back to Natalia and her eyes pleaded for understanding and forgiveness that she wouldn't ever ask for. "I wanted - I had to have - an abortion, Natalia. I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't have his child. I couldn't."
"I know," Natalia soothed, her thumbs still tracing over Olivia's cheeks, even though her tears had long since been brushed away.
Olivia caught her wrists, and pulled her hands gently away from her face. "How can you say that? I know how you feel about that."
Her chin trembled at the thought of what she was about to say. There was no way that Natalia could do anything but be completely honest with Olivia, not after she had been sitting here and baring her soul to her for the last half hour, but she hadn't admitted this to anyone before. Not even the nuns at the retreat. Especially not them.
She leaned forward until her lips were a breath away from Olivia's ear. There was no way she could say this aloud if she saw Olivia looking back at her. With one last glance back at her daughter, she turned and spoke so that only Olivia could hear her.
"Do you really think the thought never crossed my mind when I found out-" about Francesca. But saying her daughter's name in connection with that sentence, with her daughter sitting in the high chair next to them, that she can't do. "When I found out I was pregnant again."
Olivia's hands clenched tightly around Natalia's wrists. "I didn't know."
"I know." Natalia took a deep breath and then another. "I'm not proud of myself for thinking it, Olivia, but I do understand. I don't blame you."
"My mother did - blame me, I mean. She said I got what I had coming."
"I'm sorry," Natalia said, and she meant it. "No one should say that to their child. I can't imagine." A sudden horrible thought occurred to her. "You do know she was wrong, don't you?"
"Was she, Natalia? If I hadn't gone..."
"It wasn't appropriate for a sixteen year old to attend that kind of party," Natalia said firmly, drawing a slightly startled look from Olivia at her tone. "But you should still been safe. That boy," her voice trembled with rage. "He was the one that took advantage of you, who did something wrong. He was, Olivia. Not you."
"It doesn't matter," Olivia dismissed it, with a shake of her head. "I went; it happened. Now, I just have to..." As she spoke, Olivia's grip on her wrists had loosened, falling away with the urgency of their conversation, lost in this new thought that had struck her. "Do you think she was right?"
Natalia didn't miss the aching vulnerability of her final question. All of her determination and stubborn insistence had drained away and she was left with the broken, scared sixteen year old girl whose life would never be the same. Then it was Natalia's turn to cradle Olivia's hands close to her, needing their connection. It was rare that she had ever seen Olivia so lost and it frightened her every time. Olivia was the strongest person that she had ever known, stronger than Natalia had ever realized and to see her so shaken by the demons within her made Natalia's heart ache.
"Right about what?" Natalia asked. She was almost afraid to ask, not because she was worried about discovering something else about Olivia, but this day had already seen enough traumatic events and draining realizations. She didn't want to see one more hurt piled on top of Olivia.
"About being glad Jeffrey was dead," Olivia answered, her voice almost completely devoid of any tone.
"No one would blame you, if you were," Natalia said, her voice as cold as Olivia had ever heard it. She had known that the abortion Olivia had considered getting involved Ava. Given that Jeffrey was Ava's father it only made sense that he was the boy who had raped Olivia. There had been no particular point in the conversation where Natalia had become aware of that, but she had known it. It had taken Olivia bringing him into the conversation for Natalia to realize the anger that had been growing slowly and steadily inside her from the first moment it had become clear what Olivia was confessing to her.
That man had been in her house, sat at their table, and shared a drink with them. He had spilled his woes to them, expecting and receiving friendship and sympathy and once upon a time been married to Olivia. It made Natalia's stomach want to revolt more than any horrible bout of morning sickness ever had. She swallowed, pushing back what she was feeling for Olivia's sake. There would time for her to rage and cry and swear to never let Jeffrey inside the farmhouse or within sight of Olivia ever again, later.
Her eyes flicked back up just in time to catch another slight shake of Olivia's head.
"I don't....I hated him for so long, Natalia. It was like this thing inside me that burned. It consumed me. I hated him for what he had done to me, and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't make him pay and that made me hate him more." Olivia's eyes fell shut. "The problem was that I hated him so completely that it was destroying everything else in my life, everything good. I had to stop hating Jeffrey before I could love anyone else." She frowned. "Anyone besides Emma." She hesitated again. "I never wanted that part of my life to touch her," Olivia confided, in a whisper.
"It hasn't," Natalia reassured her immediately. She couldn't stop herself from reaching out to run her fingers down Olivia's cheek and brushing a lock of escaped hair back behind her ear, even if she did move slower than she usually would have, careful not to startle her. "You're amazing."
The wonder in her voice snapped Olivia's eyes open. "What are you talking about?" She asked warily.
"I've seen you with, Jeffrey. You treat him like a friend."
"I had to for my sake and for Ava's sake. She needed both of her parents and after everything I had done to her-" And she still hadn't told Natalia about that "-it seemed like the least I could do." She shrugged. "Eventually I didn't have to pretend anymore."
"And that's what makes you amazing. You were friends with him, Olivia. You forgave him." She slid her fingers over Olivia's lips when she started to protest. "Do you know how many devout people could have done that? I'll tell you: not many."
Olivia stared at her for a long moment and Natalia held her gaze steadily, hoping that Olivia could see something of how she saw Olivia in her eyes, because it was wonderful. She was wonderful.
Without a word, Olivia held up her hands and just as she had once, months before, Natalia knew immediately what she was asking, slipping her arms around Olivia and holding her close. She would never let go, not as long as Olivia needed to hang on.
Tags: