Title: The End of Her World
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: PG...for now.
Word count: 3,272
Summary: What if Natalia had talked to Olivia before she left the farmhouse?
Spoilers: For the 7/01/09 episode.
Author's Note: I took the s/l of doom and not only embraced it, but made out with it. Then we had little fic babies. Which is probably not the best metaphor given everything, but there you have it. Please to be not killing me for this fic. Also many thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lbecka and ![[profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
q_wordy13 both for the beta. I very much appreciate both of their words and insight. They are the bests kinds of betas that offered detailed criticism on both the writing and how it is written.
Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer & Fetus Rivera) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Part One || Part Two
“I have to tell Frank.” Apparently, just ripping off the band-aid is getting a little bit easier, at least where Olivia is concerned, because it’s not nearly as hard to get out her next word as it would have been earlier. “Today.”
Olivia glances away from the road, arching an eyebrow at Natalia. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
Natalia frowns. It’s not like she’s looking forward to this conversation, but it wouldn’t be fair to Frank to hide this from him. Besides, Natalia may have only lived inSpringfield
“I can’t hide it from him, Olivia. That would be wrong.”
“I know,” Olivia says quickly, reaching out to put a reassuring hand on Natalia’s knee, as she lets out a frustrated breath. “That’s not what I meant.” Olivia rolls her eyes. “And it never works out well anyway.”
Her statement startles Natalia, and she considers its implications for a moment. She knows a little bit about Olivia’s tangled past with the men in her life, and she’s aware for the most part that the time surrounding Emma’s birth was frightening and difficult for Olivia, but it’s the details that she’s still fuzzy on.
One of these days they really need to sit down and talk about their pasts. Natalia already knows that’s an idea that Olivia won’t like. She keeps her past firmly in the past, but it does seem to come back to influence their lives at the worst possible moment. Not, Natalia concedes to herself, that there has been time since they admitted that they loved one another to delve into the issues of their past.
“I just thought it might be easier to tell him tomorrow.”
“The Bauer barbecue is tomorrow,” Natalia reminds her.
Silence takes over the atmosphere of the car almost immediately. Natalia watches Olivia’s profile as it grows more pronounced. She has no idea what she said that could have provoked this reaction from Olivia. Sometimes she still has no idea how Olivia’s mind works.
“If I don’t tell him today, it will just be harder tomorrow,” Natalia admits. “And I’ll spend all night worrying about what I’m going to say to him and how he’s going to take it. This way, it will be over.” Even as she says it, Natalia can feel her nerves resurfacing.
Frank is not Olivia. He doesn't understand her with barely a word being spoken. He can't just look at her and almost immediately realize that something is wrong. He doesn't love her enough to want what's best for her, he only loves her enough to want her for himself. She hates the way that he acts around her. It was hard enough to break his heart the first time, by running out of the wedding, even as much as she loved Olivia and knew that marrying Frank wasn't the right decision for any of them. She knows it was an added blow when she had to spell out her relationship with Olivia for him, but she shouldn't have to keep paying for loving Olivia each time that she sees him. Her dealings with Frank lately have been strained at best, especially since Rafe found out about she and Olivia. It's only making her feel more nervous about seeing Frank now. She doesn't want him to see this as a second chance for them. The third time isn't the charm for breaking his heart.
“As long as you’re sure,” Olivia says finally.
“I’m sure,” Natalia confirms, feeling anything but. She reaches out to cover Olivia’s hand that’s still resting on her knee. Immediately, Olivia flips her hand over so that she can intertwine their fingers. Natalia loves the play of Olivia’s fingers between her own and the strength that she always seems to gain from that simple reassuring touch.
"Do you want me to go with you?” Olivia asks, as she pulls to a gentle stop at a red traffic light. She looks over at Natalia when the car stops.
“I want you to,” Natalia admits immediately, because it’s true. She does want Olivia with her. She craves her strength and support, her subtle but constant reminder that she is loved. “But I think I need to tell him by myself.”
Olivia nods, and looks back at the light. If she pulls away a little bit more quickly than is strictly necessary, Natalia doesn’t comment on it.
“Okay.” Olivia hesitates. “Do you want to go now?”
The fear that Olivia has gently begun to erase is returning in full force, but Natalia nods and makes herself speak. “Now is good.”
Olivia gives her hand a reassuring squeeze, as she turns down another street, taking them in the direction of Frank’s new apartment. “I won’t be far, if you need me. Just call.”
“Okay.”
The rest of the ride is filled with uncomfortable silence, both of them lost in their own, not particularly pleasant thoughts. It lingers even when Olivia parks in front of Frank’s apartment building.
“I’ll call you when it’s done.”
Olivia nods in acknowledgement, but she won’t quite meet Natalia’s eyes. The lack of that vibrant connection is frustratingly familiar. Natalia remembers the time, only a few months before, when Olivia always seemed to be avoiding looking at her. She doesn’t want to go back to that painful time for anything.
Natalia raises their joined hands to her lips and pressed a lingering kiss to the back of Olivia’s hand. She sees the stunned expression on Olivia’s face as she finally meets Natalia’s eyes.
“I love you,” Natalia states firmly. It’s her constant – the love that they share - the one thing that’s taken her through this day so far. She hopes it can erase the haunted, uncertain look from Olivia’s eyes.
“I love you too,” Olivia says, her words sounding strangled.
*** *** ***
“Natalia?” Frank is surprised to see her there, and with good reason.
“Hi, Frank.” She tries to keep the dread out of her voice. “Can I come in?” She bites her lip. “We need to talk.”
“Sure, sure,” he says, swinging the door open wide for her. “Come on in, but, uh, Rafe’s here right now, so if he’s what you needed to talk about....”
Natalia’s breath catches. Foolish, but she hadn’t considered Rafe being here. He’s done such an excellent job of avoiding her lately, it never occurred to her that he would choose now to be home.
“No, Rafe isn’t what I wanted to talk about.” Natalia shakes her head. “Actually I need to talk to Rafe too, but we need to talk first.”
“Oh?”
She hates the hope that he manages to infuse in that single syllable. Natalia sees Rafe now, sitting at the kitchen table, slumped inside his hoodie. He gives her a three fingered wave, but doesn’t get up. She carefully stifles the anger that rises up in her dismissive gesture. She’s not asking for much, but the way he’s acting…. She raised him better than this. At least she hopes she did.
“Can we go out back?” Natalia tips her head toward the small outdoor patio shared by several of the apartments.
“Of course,” Frank agrees just a little bit too readily, and darts ahead of her to hold open the sliding doors.
Once they’re outside, Natalia isn’t sure what to say. She doesn’t want to just blurt it out. Frank deserves better than that. She flutters her hand in front of her.
“I haven’t been feeling good for the past few days,” Natalia finally begins. “Blake has been worried about me.” This is where it gets difficult. “I took a test, Frank, and I went to the hospital to confirm it.” She doesn’t want there to be any question or doubt about this. “I’m pregnant.”
Frank’s face freezes in a comic expression of shock and dismay. He starts to say something and then hesitates before any sound can come out. Then he tries again. Still nothing. Finally he sinks into a seat on one of the wrought iron chairs.
“Oh.”
Moments pass and Frank doesn’t move. She can almost see him thinking, however, as slowly, ever so slowly, a smile begins to grow on his face, until he gives her the biggest, brightest smile that only Frank Cooper can give.
He almost jumps up off the bench, his arms open, and everything in him screaming good cheer.
“I’m gonna be a Dad. Again!” He picks her up and twirls her around, and all she can think is how wrong this feels.
She grabs his shoulders instinctively, to steady herself, pushing away from him even as she tries to hold on.
“Put me down, Frank.” She tries to say it calmly, but the twirling isn’t doing her already dicey stomach any favors, and she squeezes her eyes shut. She can’t throw up again, not now. She really, really doesn’t need this.
Apparently, her command comes out sharper than she intended because Frank almost drops her in his haste to comply. He doesn’t seem to be deterred, however.
“You’re going to be a mom!” he cheers, as if he’s forgotten that her nineteen year old son is sitting inside her apartment. “We’re going to be parents.” He squeezes her shoulders. “It’s going to be so great, Natalia. You’ll see.”
Before she can protest or move to stop him, Frank slips a hand behind her neck and kisses her squarely on her lips. This time Natalia does push forcefully away from her, staggering several steps back.
“Frank,” she says warningly, shaking her head. “This isn’t what I-”
“It’s okay,” Frank interrupts her. “I know the past few months have been confusing, but it’s going to be okay.” Somehow hearing Frank say those words doesn’t comfort her at all. Not like when Olivia said them to her. “Everything has just been so messed up, but this can make it all right again. Don’t you see, Natalia? This is our chance to have everything that we wanted. We can be a family, with Rafe and the baby. It will be so good. I still love you so much, Baby.”
All Natalia can do is shake her because this is not what she wants. Oh, a family with Rafe and this baby, sounds wonderful, but she wants Olivia and Emma and ducks, too. It won’t be right without that.
“No, Frank.” For the first time, she is the one to cut him off, to refuse to let him continue. “That isn’t why I came here.” With just that simple statement Frank looks back at her as if he’s never seen her before, which, Natalia admits herself, is a side of her that he's never seen. Only Olivia, and occasionally Rafe, can bring out this fierce stubborn passion within her. “I wanted to tell you because you deserve to know. This baby is going to need a father, and I want you to be a part of his or her life. But I’m not asking for anything from you.” She swallows and straightens. “I still love Olivia. That hasn’t changed, Frank.”
“But…” Frank wrinkles his brow, and looks confused. “It’s not right, Natalia. This baby should have a real family with its parents.”
“My baby will have a real family, Frank,” Natalia counters, growing annoyed with his implication that what she and Olivia share isn’t real. “And he or she will have you, too.”
“Olivia knows?” Frank asks, his tone implying that he doesn’t think that’s the case.
Natalia swallows, because this is the part that she does feel a little bit guilty about. The father of her child should have been the first one to know and for the second time in her life it just doesn’t work out that way. She doesn’t regret telling Olivia the way that she did. She needed her to know, because it was killing her to keep her fear bottled up inside.
“I told her.” Maybe she won’t have to tell him that Olivia went to the hospital with her and held her hand while she found out. That will only hurt him more and she doesn’t want that. She wants this to go as easily as possible. She’s just afraid that it’s not actually possible anymore.
Frank shakes his head. “She’s not capable of loving you the way that I can, Natalia, or the way that I can love this baby. Don’t you want that?”
I already have that, she wants to tell him. “Frank,” Natalia repeats slowly, instead. “Nothing has changed. Olivia still loves me.”
“But she can’t love this baby. She’s not capable of it!” Frank states it like it's the most obvious thing in the world and he has no idea why Natalia can't see it.
"Why, Frank?" Natalia asks. She feels like she's burning up and icy cold all at once. "Why can't she?"
"Because she's Olivia Spencer!"
Natalia nods slowly, realizing for the first time how deeply Frank hates the woman that she loves. It goes beyond the ways that she, herself, has hurt him. It's a deeper wound that Frank has never allowed to heal, and he holds onto it tightly, claiming the pain that Olivia inflicted on him and using it against her at every turn.
"You don't know her, Frank. If that's what you think of her, then you never did. She's a wonderful mother to Emma and she is going to be there for me and this baby."
"No." The word is so firm, and crisp and completely unlike Frank that at first Natalia has the urge to laugh. "No, that woman isn't going to have anything to do with my child."
His words and the vehemence with which he says them leaves Natalia shaking.
"Frank," she says softly. "You're a good man. You don't want to do this. Let us all be happy about this baby. Don't turn this into a fight."
"Natalia, you don't understand," Frank pleads. "You don't know what she's like yet. I don't want her to hurt you."
"The only thing that can hurt me, Frank, is if you use this baby to try and keep Olivia and I apart. That will break my heart."
"It doesn't matter," Frank says firmly, brushing aside her concern as unimportant. She can see him take a deep breath and try to pull himself together. "Eventually, she will hurt you. And when she does, I'll be there." He says it to her in the same sweet, persuasive tone that he used to propose to her, and all it does is make her stomach churn more. She doesn't know what else to say to that. No matter what she says about loving Olivia, Frank refuses to believe it.
"I need to talk to Rafe," she says finally.
"Of course!" Frank agrees, jumping past her with a smile to get the door for her. "When you get done telling him, then we can celebrate."
"Frank...." Natalia suddenly wishes desperately that her son wasn't living with this man, no matter how good of a mentor he may be. "I think I need to tell him myself." She gestured between she and Rafe. "This is a mother-son conversation."
"Oh." He deflates instantly, but tries valiantly to preserve the illusion that he hasn't. "Of course." He clears his throat. "Let me know when you guys are done. We can, uh, go to Company and celebrate with ice cream. Tell Pop." He's beaming again.
It's all Natalia can do to step inside. At the table, Rafe looks up when he sees her come inside, but he doesn't move. Natalia takes the seat across from him at the small table.
"Rafe." She resists the urge to reach out to him and pull him close. He has always been her baby, even now that he's almost a man. Soon, he won't be her baby any longer. He will be her first born, her oldest, the first child with a claim on her heart. But Natalia also realizes that there has been another child with a claim on her heart for some time now. She loves Emma just as deeply, purely and completely as she loves Rafe.
"You guys were out there for a while." He tips his head toward the door. "Busy talking about how much of a screw up I am, Ma?" His bitter tone stings, but his words hurt her more.
"What are you screwing up?" She uses his words because she knows that even hearing that tame phrase from her lips will shock him. "You have a job and you're reconnecting with old friends. You're meeting the conditions of your parole and you're figuring out what you want to do with your life. Am I missing something?"
Okay, so she's not certain about the part where he's figuring out what to do with his life, but surely some positive reinforcement can't hurt. She's tired of arguing. She doesn't want to fight anymore tonight, and especially not with her son.
Rafe straightens in his chair, sitting away from her. "Don't do this, Ma. You know I don't approve of what you're doing with Olivia. It's wrong."
She takes a deep breath. They need to talk about Olivia again, now that he's had a little bit of time to get used to the idea, but right now isn't that time. She needs to have another conversation with him.
"That topic isn't on the table right now."
Rafe blinks in surprise. "So, what?"
"I came to talk to Frank, because he deserves to know. And I came to tell you, too, because I didn't want you to find out about this from anyone else."
"Find out what?"
"I'm pregnant."
Rafe blinks and then stares at her. He grabs a handful of his hair and tugs at it.
"How could you...Ma, this is just...pregnant?" He's staring at her as if he doesn't recognize her at all. "Frank's the dad?"
She nods, answering his only coherent question.
"Are you two getting back together?"
"No. This doesn't change anything, Rafe. I still love Olivia, and even if I didn't, I don't love Frank enough to marry him."
"You thought you did a few months ago."
"I wanted..." Natalia hesitates, struggling to define what it was she had wanted. "I wanted you to have a father, and I thought I couldn't have Olivia - that she didn't want me - so I thought I could learn to love Frank. He's a good man."
"You thought she didn't want you?" Rafe looks confused.
"She told me to marry Frank because she thought I could be happy with him."
"You could," Rafe says emphatically. "If you just give him a chance."
"Oh, Rafe," she says softly, feeling for her son who was struggling so hard to understand the world in the small, clearly defined box that he was trying to place it in. "It doesn't work that way." Natalia stands and goes to his side of the table. She wraps her arms around him and pulls him close, ignoring the way he stiffens in her arms. For a moment, she simply holds him and then pulls away. She makes sure he's really looking at her before she speaks. "I love you. Don't forget that."
He swallows and looks down.
She smiles sadly and turns to let herself out. Just as she's about to open the door, she hears him.
"I love you too, Ma."
She knows nothing has changed yet, but the soft words give her hope.
Fandom: Guiding Light
Characters: Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera
Category: Angst, but the good kind. Romance, Drama.
Rating: PG...for now.
Word count: 3,272
Summary: What if Natalia had talked to Olivia before she left the farmhouse?
Spoilers: For the 7/01/09 episode.
Author's Note: I took the s/l of doom and not only embraced it, but made out with it. Then we had little fic babies. Which is probably not the best metaphor given everything, but there you have it. Please to be not killing me for this fic. Also many thanks to
lbecka and q_wordy13 both for the beta. I very much appreciate both of their words and insight. They are the bests kinds of betas that offered detailed criticism on both the writing and how it is written. Disclaimer: All characters (Olivia Spencer, Natalia Rivera, Emma Spencer & Fetus Rivera) and situations belong to Guiding Light, Telenext, Proctor & Gamble, etc. I'm not them.
Part One || Part Two
“I have to tell Frank.” Apparently, just ripping off the band-aid is getting a little bit easier, at least where Olivia is concerned, because it’s not nearly as hard to get out her next word as it would have been earlier. “Today.”
Olivia glances away from the road, arching an eyebrow at Natalia. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
Natalia frowns. It’s not like she’s looking forward to this conversation, but it wouldn’t be fair to Frank to hide this from him. Besides, Natalia may have only lived in
“I can’t hide it from him, Olivia. That would be wrong.”
“I know,” Olivia says quickly, reaching out to put a reassuring hand on Natalia’s knee, as she lets out a frustrated breath. “That’s not what I meant.” Olivia rolls her eyes. “And it never works out well anyway.”
Her statement startles Natalia, and she considers its implications for a moment. She knows a little bit about Olivia’s tangled past with the men in her life, and she’s aware for the most part that the time surrounding Emma’s birth was frightening and difficult for Olivia, but it’s the details that she’s still fuzzy on.
One of these days they really need to sit down and talk about their pasts. Natalia already knows that’s an idea that Olivia won’t like. She keeps her past firmly in the past, but it does seem to come back to influence their lives at the worst possible moment. Not, Natalia concedes to herself, that there has been time since they admitted that they loved one another to delve into the issues of their past.
“I just thought it might be easier to tell him tomorrow.”
“The Bauer barbecue is tomorrow,” Natalia reminds her.
Silence takes over the atmosphere of the car almost immediately. Natalia watches Olivia’s profile as it grows more pronounced. She has no idea what she said that could have provoked this reaction from Olivia. Sometimes she still has no idea how Olivia’s mind works.
“If I don’t tell him today, it will just be harder tomorrow,” Natalia admits. “And I’ll spend all night worrying about what I’m going to say to him and how he’s going to take it. This way, it will be over.” Even as she says it, Natalia can feel her nerves resurfacing.
Frank is not Olivia. He doesn't understand her with barely a word being spoken. He can't just look at her and almost immediately realize that something is wrong. He doesn't love her enough to want what's best for her, he only loves her enough to want her for himself. She hates the way that he acts around her. It was hard enough to break his heart the first time, by running out of the wedding, even as much as she loved Olivia and knew that marrying Frank wasn't the right decision for any of them. She knows it was an added blow when she had to spell out her relationship with Olivia for him, but she shouldn't have to keep paying for loving Olivia each time that she sees him. Her dealings with Frank lately have been strained at best, especially since Rafe found out about she and Olivia. It's only making her feel more nervous about seeing Frank now. She doesn't want him to see this as a second chance for them. The third time isn't the charm for breaking his heart.
“As long as you’re sure,” Olivia says finally.
“I’m sure,” Natalia confirms, feeling anything but. She reaches out to cover Olivia’s hand that’s still resting on her knee. Immediately, Olivia flips her hand over so that she can intertwine their fingers. Natalia loves the play of Olivia’s fingers between her own and the strength that she always seems to gain from that simple reassuring touch.
"Do you want me to go with you?” Olivia asks, as she pulls to a gentle stop at a red traffic light. She looks over at Natalia when the car stops.
“I want you to,” Natalia admits immediately, because it’s true. She does want Olivia with her. She craves her strength and support, her subtle but constant reminder that she is loved. “But I think I need to tell him by myself.”
Olivia nods, and looks back at the light. If she pulls away a little bit more quickly than is strictly necessary, Natalia doesn’t comment on it.
“Okay.” Olivia hesitates. “Do you want to go now?”
The fear that Olivia has gently begun to erase is returning in full force, but Natalia nods and makes herself speak. “Now is good.”
Olivia gives her hand a reassuring squeeze, as she turns down another street, taking them in the direction of Frank’s new apartment. “I won’t be far, if you need me. Just call.”
“Okay.”
The rest of the ride is filled with uncomfortable silence, both of them lost in their own, not particularly pleasant thoughts. It lingers even when Olivia parks in front of Frank’s apartment building.
“I’ll call you when it’s done.”
Olivia nods in acknowledgement, but she won’t quite meet Natalia’s eyes. The lack of that vibrant connection is frustratingly familiar. Natalia remembers the time, only a few months before, when Olivia always seemed to be avoiding looking at her. She doesn’t want to go back to that painful time for anything.
Natalia raises their joined hands to her lips and pressed a lingering kiss to the back of Olivia’s hand. She sees the stunned expression on Olivia’s face as she finally meets Natalia’s eyes.
“I love you,” Natalia states firmly. It’s her constant – the love that they share - the one thing that’s taken her through this day so far. She hopes it can erase the haunted, uncertain look from Olivia’s eyes.
“I love you too,” Olivia says, her words sounding strangled.
*** *** ***
“Natalia?” Frank is surprised to see her there, and with good reason.
“Hi, Frank.” She tries to keep the dread out of her voice. “Can I come in?” She bites her lip. “We need to talk.”
“Sure, sure,” he says, swinging the door open wide for her. “Come on in, but, uh, Rafe’s here right now, so if he’s what you needed to talk about....”
Natalia’s breath catches. Foolish, but she hadn’t considered Rafe being here. He’s done such an excellent job of avoiding her lately, it never occurred to her that he would choose now to be home.
“No, Rafe isn’t what I wanted to talk about.” Natalia shakes her head. “Actually I need to talk to Rafe too, but we need to talk first.”
“Oh?”
She hates the hope that he manages to infuse in that single syllable. Natalia sees Rafe now, sitting at the kitchen table, slumped inside his hoodie. He gives her a three fingered wave, but doesn’t get up. She carefully stifles the anger that rises up in her dismissive gesture. She’s not asking for much, but the way he’s acting…. She raised him better than this. At least she hopes she did.
“Can we go out back?” Natalia tips her head toward the small outdoor patio shared by several of the apartments.
“Of course,” Frank agrees just a little bit too readily, and darts ahead of her to hold open the sliding doors.
Once they’re outside, Natalia isn’t sure what to say. She doesn’t want to just blurt it out. Frank deserves better than that. She flutters her hand in front of her.
“I haven’t been feeling good for the past few days,” Natalia finally begins. “Blake has been worried about me.” This is where it gets difficult. “I took a test, Frank, and I went to the hospital to confirm it.” She doesn’t want there to be any question or doubt about this. “I’m pregnant.”
Frank’s face freezes in a comic expression of shock and dismay. He starts to say something and then hesitates before any sound can come out. Then he tries again. Still nothing. Finally he sinks into a seat on one of the wrought iron chairs.
“Oh.”
Moments pass and Frank doesn’t move. She can almost see him thinking, however, as slowly, ever so slowly, a smile begins to grow on his face, until he gives her the biggest, brightest smile that only Frank Cooper can give.
He almost jumps up off the bench, his arms open, and everything in him screaming good cheer.
“I’m gonna be a Dad. Again!” He picks her up and twirls her around, and all she can think is how wrong this feels.
She grabs his shoulders instinctively, to steady herself, pushing away from him even as she tries to hold on.
“Put me down, Frank.” She tries to say it calmly, but the twirling isn’t doing her already dicey stomach any favors, and she squeezes her eyes shut. She can’t throw up again, not now. She really, really doesn’t need this.
Apparently, her command comes out sharper than she intended because Frank almost drops her in his haste to comply. He doesn’t seem to be deterred, however.
“You’re going to be a mom!” he cheers, as if he’s forgotten that her nineteen year old son is sitting inside her apartment. “We’re going to be parents.” He squeezes her shoulders. “It’s going to be so great, Natalia. You’ll see.”
Before she can protest or move to stop him, Frank slips a hand behind her neck and kisses her squarely on her lips. This time Natalia does push forcefully away from her, staggering several steps back.
“Frank,” she says warningly, shaking her head. “This isn’t what I-”
“It’s okay,” Frank interrupts her. “I know the past few months have been confusing, but it’s going to be okay.” Somehow hearing Frank say those words doesn’t comfort her at all. Not like when Olivia said them to her. “Everything has just been so messed up, but this can make it all right again. Don’t you see, Natalia? This is our chance to have everything that we wanted. We can be a family, with Rafe and the baby. It will be so good. I still love you so much, Baby.”
All Natalia can do is shake her because this is not what she wants. Oh, a family with Rafe and this baby, sounds wonderful, but she wants Olivia and Emma and ducks, too. It won’t be right without that.
“No, Frank.” For the first time, she is the one to cut him off, to refuse to let him continue. “That isn’t why I came here.” With just that simple statement Frank looks back at her as if he’s never seen her before, which, Natalia admits herself, is a side of her that he's never seen. Only Olivia, and occasionally Rafe, can bring out this fierce stubborn passion within her. “I wanted to tell you because you deserve to know. This baby is going to need a father, and I want you to be a part of his or her life. But I’m not asking for anything from you.” She swallows and straightens. “I still love Olivia. That hasn’t changed, Frank.”
“But…” Frank wrinkles his brow, and looks confused. “It’s not right, Natalia. This baby should have a real family with its parents.”
“My baby will have a real family, Frank,” Natalia counters, growing annoyed with his implication that what she and Olivia share isn’t real. “And he or she will have you, too.”
“Olivia knows?” Frank asks, his tone implying that he doesn’t think that’s the case.
Natalia swallows, because this is the part that she does feel a little bit guilty about. The father of her child should have been the first one to know and for the second time in her life it just doesn’t work out that way. She doesn’t regret telling Olivia the way that she did. She needed her to know, because it was killing her to keep her fear bottled up inside.
“I told her.” Maybe she won’t have to tell him that Olivia went to the hospital with her and held her hand while she found out. That will only hurt him more and she doesn’t want that. She wants this to go as easily as possible. She’s just afraid that it’s not actually possible anymore.
Frank shakes his head. “She’s not capable of loving you the way that I can, Natalia, or the way that I can love this baby. Don’t you want that?”
I already have that, she wants to tell him. “Frank,” Natalia repeats slowly, instead. “Nothing has changed. Olivia still loves me.”
“But she can’t love this baby. She’s not capable of it!” Frank states it like it's the most obvious thing in the world and he has no idea why Natalia can't see it.
"Why, Frank?" Natalia asks. She feels like she's burning up and icy cold all at once. "Why can't she?"
"Because she's Olivia Spencer!"
Natalia nods slowly, realizing for the first time how deeply Frank hates the woman that she loves. It goes beyond the ways that she, herself, has hurt him. It's a deeper wound that Frank has never allowed to heal, and he holds onto it tightly, claiming the pain that Olivia inflicted on him and using it against her at every turn.
"You don't know her, Frank. If that's what you think of her, then you never did. She's a wonderful mother to Emma and she is going to be there for me and this baby."
"No." The word is so firm, and crisp and completely unlike Frank that at first Natalia has the urge to laugh. "No, that woman isn't going to have anything to do with my child."
His words and the vehemence with which he says them leaves Natalia shaking.
"Frank," she says softly. "You're a good man. You don't want to do this. Let us all be happy about this baby. Don't turn this into a fight."
"Natalia, you don't understand," Frank pleads. "You don't know what she's like yet. I don't want her to hurt you."
"The only thing that can hurt me, Frank, is if you use this baby to try and keep Olivia and I apart. That will break my heart."
"It doesn't matter," Frank says firmly, brushing aside her concern as unimportant. She can see him take a deep breath and try to pull himself together. "Eventually, she will hurt you. And when she does, I'll be there." He says it to her in the same sweet, persuasive tone that he used to propose to her, and all it does is make her stomach churn more. She doesn't know what else to say to that. No matter what she says about loving Olivia, Frank refuses to believe it.
"I need to talk to Rafe," she says finally.
"Of course!" Frank agrees, jumping past her with a smile to get the door for her. "When you get done telling him, then we can celebrate."
"Frank...." Natalia suddenly wishes desperately that her son wasn't living with this man, no matter how good of a mentor he may be. "I think I need to tell him myself." She gestured between she and Rafe. "This is a mother-son conversation."
"Oh." He deflates instantly, but tries valiantly to preserve the illusion that he hasn't. "Of course." He clears his throat. "Let me know when you guys are done. We can, uh, go to Company and celebrate with ice cream. Tell Pop." He's beaming again.
It's all Natalia can do to step inside. At the table, Rafe looks up when he sees her come inside, but he doesn't move. Natalia takes the seat across from him at the small table.
"Rafe." She resists the urge to reach out to him and pull him close. He has always been her baby, even now that he's almost a man. Soon, he won't be her baby any longer. He will be her first born, her oldest, the first child with a claim on her heart. But Natalia also realizes that there has been another child with a claim on her heart for some time now. She loves Emma just as deeply, purely and completely as she loves Rafe.
"You guys were out there for a while." He tips his head toward the door. "Busy talking about how much of a screw up I am, Ma?" His bitter tone stings, but his words hurt her more.
"What are you screwing up?" She uses his words because she knows that even hearing that tame phrase from her lips will shock him. "You have a job and you're reconnecting with old friends. You're meeting the conditions of your parole and you're figuring out what you want to do with your life. Am I missing something?"
Okay, so she's not certain about the part where he's figuring out what to do with his life, but surely some positive reinforcement can't hurt. She's tired of arguing. She doesn't want to fight anymore tonight, and especially not with her son.
Rafe straightens in his chair, sitting away from her. "Don't do this, Ma. You know I don't approve of what you're doing with Olivia. It's wrong."
She takes a deep breath. They need to talk about Olivia again, now that he's had a little bit of time to get used to the idea, but right now isn't that time. She needs to have another conversation with him.
"That topic isn't on the table right now."
Rafe blinks in surprise. "So, what?"
"I came to talk to Frank, because he deserves to know. And I came to tell you, too, because I didn't want you to find out about this from anyone else."
"Find out what?"
"I'm pregnant."
Rafe blinks and then stares at her. He grabs a handful of his hair and tugs at it.
"How could you...Ma, this is just...pregnant?" He's staring at her as if he doesn't recognize her at all. "Frank's the dad?"
She nods, answering his only coherent question.
"Are you two getting back together?"
"No. This doesn't change anything, Rafe. I still love Olivia, and even if I didn't, I don't love Frank enough to marry him."
"You thought you did a few months ago."
"I wanted..." Natalia hesitates, struggling to define what it was she had wanted. "I wanted you to have a father, and I thought I couldn't have Olivia - that she didn't want me - so I thought I could learn to love Frank. He's a good man."
"You thought she didn't want you?" Rafe looks confused.
"She told me to marry Frank because she thought I could be happy with him."
"You could," Rafe says emphatically. "If you just give him a chance."
"Oh, Rafe," she says softly, feeling for her son who was struggling so hard to understand the world in the small, clearly defined box that he was trying to place it in. "It doesn't work that way." Natalia stands and goes to his side of the table. She wraps her arms around him and pulls him close, ignoring the way he stiffens in her arms. For a moment, she simply holds him and then pulls away. She makes sure he's really looking at her before she speaks. "I love you. Don't forget that."
He swallows and looks down.
She smiles sadly and turns to let herself out. Just as she's about to open the door, she hears him.
"I love you too, Ma."
She knows nothing has changed yet, but the soft words give her hope.
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