[NCIS Fic] The Best Thing That Never Happened To Kate Todd (2/3)

[jaina47]

Title: The Best Thing That Never Happened To Kate Todd
Fandom: NCIS
Characters: Kate Todd, Ziva David, Abby Sciuto, Tim McGee, Gibbs, Tony DiNozzo
Category: Drama, Romance, Angst, AU
Genre: Slash
Prompt: #82 If
Word Count: Around 20,000 all together.
Spoilers: For everything, and I do mean everything. This goes up through Season Six.
Summary: Tony dies. Kate doesn't. Everything changes.
Rating: R for some mature imagery, in the descriptive sense.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to DPB, CBS, Paramount, et al. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: Written for the ncis_femslash ficathon. Only finished two months late. This was for shatterpath's prompt of: What if Ari's bullet had not killed Kate, but Tony instead? After all, that leaves both Kate and Gibbs scarred, doesn't it? One might almost feel sorry for Gibbs and McGee with those two sexy firecrackers around all of the time! I really, really hope that you enjoy this after having to wait so long for it! I'm really, really sorry about that. I'll ban myself from my ficathon next time. :p
Oh! And many, many thanks to ariestess for the stunningly fast and seriously comprehensive beta!


My Little Damn Table


Part Two

Gibbs' retirement - his desertion, her darkest thoughts assert - falls on Kate's shoulders most heavily.  She spends her time trying to hold the team together.  Abby is hurt and touchy.  McGee is doing his best and trying his hardest, but she can't depend on him.  He's a good agent; he'll be great one day, but she can't lean on him yet. And what Kate desperately need is a friend, someone who could support her. 

The way that Ziva is constantly challenging her every day about every decision that she makes isn't helping either. 

It starts the day after Gibbs leaves, or maybe weeks before it.  Gibbs' absence becomes the catalyst for a realization that's long over due. 

Kate meets Ziva for lunch at their favorite deli.  It's as far away from the Navy Yard as they can make it and still get back in time to not be late.  Even better, it's not frequented by too many other Navy personnel.  No one that would recognize them, at any rate. 

Kate awkwardly picks at her sandwich, only taking a half-hearted bite before setting it down.  Ziva is almost halfway through hers when she realizes that Kate is watching her and not eating. 

"Did they miss up your sandwich?"

The garbled phrase takes a moment to penetrate Kate's brain, before she shakes her head in dismissal. 

"I think Gibbs was right." 

Ziva nods, slightly more comfortable now that she seems to know where the conversation is going.

"As irritating as it may sometimes be, Gibbs is usually right," Ziva agrees between bites.

Somehow her agreement doesn't make Kate any happier.  A frown line wrinkles her brow.

"About us. And about Rule Twelve."

"Rule Twelve?  I do not remember that one."

Kate blinks and then realizes that there was no reason for Gibbs to quote that particular rule to Ziva. It had been aimed at Tony as a reminder and her as a warning. 

"Never date a coworker."

"You are breaking up with me, yes?"  Ziva's reply was terse but otherwise devoid of emotion. 

"I just don't think it's right," Kate explains quickly.  "The Director is putting me in charge of the team...for now, and I don't think it would be right if we were in a relationship."

"Why?" Ziva demands.

"Because it would be wrong."  Kate tries to hold on to the conviction that was so obvious earlier in the day but is slipping away in Ziva's presence.

"Nothing has changed, Kate."

"Everything has changed, Ziva. Everything."  Kate doesn't realize that she's yelling until she's looking down at Ziva.  She doesn't even remember standing. 

"That is not my fault," Ziva retorts.  "Gibbs is the one who left."

"I can't do this." The way Kate says it, it sounds like a mantra that she's repeated a hundred times.  

"You can," Ziva counters.  "You are choosing not to..."

"Yes, I am," Kate snaps back.

"Because you are scared of what will happen if someone finds out about us."

Ziva's accusation hits its intended target with her usual unnerving accuracy.  Kate flinches and for a moment, Ziva holds her breath.  There is a chance, just a slight one, but a mere chance that Kate will change her mind.  In the next moment, Kate straightens, her spine stiffening and Ziva knows that it's too late.

The dull ache that knowledge brings is lost in the rest of the still-bleeding wounds that she carries, and as with the rest of them she turns pain into focus, and determination.

"What's wrong with putting my career first," Kate demands, the challenge in her voice obvious.

It's a question that Ziva finds herself wanting to give a different answer to than she would have in the past.  Before NCIS, before Gibbs she would have said that her job and her duty were everything.  Did she not kill her own brother for that very duty?  But now, she is not so certain. 

She can see with aching clarity how badly Kate is hurting, as badly as she is.  They simply can't seem to stop hurting one another.  The urge to fight back and inflict as much damage as possible is instinctive, ingrained in her by training and years of life and death situations. 

Today, Ziva resists that urge.  There is more than one way to win a fight, and winning is what Ziva wants. Not mutually assured destruction.  To achieve that, she must retreat and regroup to fight another day.

"There is nothing wrong with putting your career first, if that is what you value most."  Ziva hopes that the subtle rebuke finds its mark as well.  "But I think you are making an error in judgment."

Kate flinches when Ziva steps closer.  She feels frozen in place, unable to move, as Ziva cups her face with surprising gentleness, and kisses her with a tenderness that hurts. 

"And it would not be right," Ziva concludes, "for me to fail to point out when your judgment is not sound."

After that every decision looms more sharply for Kate.  She feels each one more acutely, and each time that Ziva challenges an idea or suggests an alternative, this is the argument that flashes in front of Kate.  And the hurt never quite seems to fade. 

It only serves to reinforce Kate's opinion that Gibbs is right: Never date a coworker.


***   ***   ***

Kate stares down at the papers on her desk. The dim light makes her squint at the fine print. She can fill these reports out in her sleep and probably has in the past. Tonight's report is a little bit more difficult. There are more variables to consider and asses to covers - her team's, first and foremost, and also Gibbs'. He may no longer be their boss officially, but he still holds their loyalty. No matter how much his actions hurt the members of his team, they stand with him, as he does with them.

Of course, Kate has a suspicion that his retirement paperwork may not be as final as some people may believe. She's always had some ideas about the true nature of Director Sheppard's relationship with Gibbs and she wouldn't be surprised if Gibbs could return to active status anytime he wants. Kate would never admit it to anyone, and maybe not even herself, but she would be just a little bit relieved if Gibbs came back and took over his old team. She's gotten surprisingly comfortable as Senior Field Agent.

It's not ambition that she lacks - or confidence. She knows she's completely capable of doing the job of Team Leader. Not least because Gibbs told her that just before he left, and Gibbs wouldn't lie - not about the job. There is something comforting though about Gibbs seeming omnipotence, and his complete confidence in the fact that he's right. It's something that Kate has never seen anyone else duplicate and she'd like a little bit of that certainty back in her life.

She could really use some certainty. She's always had it in spades. After all, Secret Service Agents can't hesitate. It can be fatal - not for them, but worse - for their protectees. No, it's only recently that certainty has proved elusive for Kate. It's why she's still sitting at her desk at this hour of the night, staring at the beginnings of her report on the day's activities and not accomplishing anything on getting it written.

After all it can be a little bit difficult to explain how the Mossad Officer assigned to an NCIS team manages to be accused of a political assassination, hunted for that by both her agency and NCIS, and contacted a retired NCIS agent who then came in and solved the crime with the help of his former team. It's not the things that great reports are made from, Kate knows, and if any hint of her involvement, as well as Abby, Tim and Jimmy's involvement were to appear they would all be in serious trouble, despite how the incident turned out. Disobeying the Director's direct orders is always frowned upon.

But surprisingly, given the events of the day, this report isn't what's worrying Kate the most. It's almost incidental, in fact. Right now, it makes for a very convenient excuse to sit at her desk and not watch the woman who's sitting at the desk across from hers. Not watching, because if Ziva happened to catch her looking, Kate has a suspicion that she would leave immediately.

 

So Kate is sitting at her desk and pretending to work on her report so that she can spend this time with Ziva. Since watching is out, she focuses on using her other senses to keep a metaphorical eye on Ziva. Her ear is tuned to catch the slightest sound.

 

Not that Ziva gives away much, even this way. There’s the occasional rustle of fabric or the sound of a quickly stifled grunt as Ziva shifts and puts pressure on a painful bruise or laceration. She has dozens of them, Kate knows, thanks to Ducky’s comprehensive report. As well as three cracked ribs, two black eyes and a badly sprained knee.

Of course the only reason she knows this is so that she can keep Ziva off of field duty for a few days, because, even this badly injured, Ziva won’t take herself out of the field. It’s up to Kate to do that for her as her Team Leader. Kate can’t stifle a sigh this time. Yet another thing for Ziva to hate her for.

 

Her jaw clenches at the thought. She’s getting tired of this distance between them. It hurts that Ziva called Gibbs - Gibbs who abandoned them - rather than call her.

Kate looks up, and glares at Ziva. 

"Why didn't you trust me?"

Ziva twitches, her hand diving towards the holster that would be at her side if they were outside the building, surprised by Kate's sudden outburst.  Her face is startled, but blank.

"What?"

Kate gets up and strides around her desk until her hands are bracing her on Ziva's desk.

"Why didn't you call me instead of Gibbs?  I was here."

"What I did...I was being set up to take the fall for something I did not do.  I did not feel I could trust my own people.  I knew you would be ordered not to help me and to report my presence if I made contact with you.  I did not want to force you to turn me in."

Kate sinks back as if she'd been slapped. 

"And you think I wouldn't have broken the rules for you?"

"Would you?"  The surprise in Ziva's voice intensifies the ache in Kate's heart. 

"I would have helped you," Kate says stubbornly. 

"Helped me, by turning me over to the Director, yes?" 

Kate flinches at Ziva's direct words. 

"Why are you still here, Caitlin?" Ziva's voice softens for the first time.  Some how Kate's name from her mouth still sounds like a caress.

"I don't know," Kate shrugs, trying to downplay her uncertainty.  

Ziva stands up from behind her desk and slowly bends to pick up her jacket and backpack. 

"Tell me.  When you find out." 

She leans closer to Kate and for a second Kate stops breathing before Ziva kisses her lightly on her cheek and walks away. 

***   ***   ***

"Kate?"  Abby's sounds slightly panicky as she yanks the door open. "What's wrong?  Is Ziva okay?  Oh my god, Gibbs-"

"Abby," Kate cuts her off quickly before she can get more upset.  "Everyone's okay."

"No," Abby shakes her head quickly.  "Knocks on the door at the three in the morning are never good."

Abby has a point, Kate admits.  But tonight is a little bit different. 

"Can I come in?" Kate asks wearily.

"Oh, right, yeah.  Of course."  Abby sweeps the door open and Kate enters gratefully.

She sits down stiffly on the couch.  Abby takes a seat beside her without a word. 

"What's wrong, Kate?"  In the dark room, her voice is low and soothing.  It coaxes Kate to open up.  It's what Kate came here for, but without that little bit of a nudge she wouldn't have said anything.

"Ziva and I had a fight."

"Tonight?" Abby asks in surprise.

"She stayed late at the office. I stayed to keep an eye on her."

"You could have told her to go home and get some rest," Abby points out reasonably.

Kate lets her head fall back onto the back of the couch and then rolls her eyes towards Abby with a knowing look.

"Right," Abby acknowledges the subtle point, "But did you not say anything because you didn't think she'd go or because you were afraid that she would."

Kate tries not to wince as Abby slices straight to the heart of the issue.

"I don't know, Abby."  She falls silent, letting her mind drift in thought. "I miss her," Kate blurts out.  "But I still think I was right."  

"Right about what?" Abby pries gently.

"Right to break up with her," Kate admits reluctantly. 

"Maybe," Abby says softly, "But if you miss her this much...."

Kate squeezes Abby's hand tightly in the darkened room. 

"I don't know what to do, Abby."

Abby squeezes back. 

"Just be her friend, Kate, and let the rest sort itself out."

Kate blinks and looks over at her wistfully. 

"You think?"

"Yeah, I think, Kate," Abby says with a soft smile. "Now get your ass up and into my guest room.  You're staying here tonight."

Kate lets herself be pulled to her feet, but stops Abby before she can go any further and hugs her tightly. 

"Thanks, Abby."

***   ***   ***

It's hard to be jealous of a dying man.  Hard because it feels so small and petty to begrudge him this small spot of joy in the otherwise dismal last few days of his life. 

It doesn't stop Kate from being jealous of Roy Sanders. He's captured Ziva's heart, however briefly, and that's something Kate can't help but be jealous of.  She watches with as much distance as she can manage as Ziva gets closer and closer to him, falling for his charms. 

Kate can't blame her really.  Under other circumstances, she might have liked him too.  Still she can't do anything but try to choke back the biting comments that come to her tongue when she sees Ziva laughing at some small joke that he's made or touching his arm in a gesture that gives away the growing intimacy between them.

It's not like she doesn't know that he's not really competition.  He's a dead man walking and they are, after all, investigating his murder. But it doesn't make her like it any more.

She puts all of her focus on to doing her job, and catching Sander's killer, knowing that it won't help really, but it's all that she can do for Ziva.

Kate asks for the day after they catch Sander's killer off.  Gibbs is surprised by her request, but lets her have it without comment.  Still she wonders how much he knows.  She's certain that Ziva won't be there either.  Sanders isn't doing any better; there's no hope for him now.

She cleans her apartment until it's shining and could pass any inspection.  It does little to help her mood, but she manages to slowly while away the first few hours of the day.  Next she heads to the hospital. 

A brief stop at the Nurses' station confirms that Sanders situation hasn't changed.  Kate has a brief glimpse of Ziva stepping into his room, but Ziva's back is to her and she doesn't see Kate.  Kate's grateful for that at least.  Somehow, she doesn't think Ziva would appreciate it, if she knew she was here. 

Still, she wants to be here, offering her silent support, even if Ziva isn't aware of it. 

It's especially dangerous for her to be here, though.  The Director would be furious if she knew.  Being connected to an NCIS agent would be very bad for Kate's cover.  Surely the free-wheeling artist 'friend' of Jeanne Benoit wouldn't have any reason to know a Navy Cop.  It just means that she has to be more cautious, because she can't bring herself to leave.

Her phone beeps at her, and Kate jerks awake, startled that she even managed to fall asleep and a little bit embarrassed.  It's a simple text message, short and succinct, but it makes Kate sit up straighter and press her fingers against the bridge of her nose before she stands. 

Sanders is dead.  The information comes from the nurses's station, where risk aside, Kate had flashed her badge and asked to be notified if his condition changed. A quick glance at her watch tells her he held on far longer than the Doctors expected.  Kate wonders idly if it was Ziva's presence at his side that helped him to hold on.  Desire and will have much more power over the body than people often give them credit for.

She goes first to the vending machine and gets two barely acceptable cups of coffee.  Then Kate winds her way through the halls of the hospital, going in search of Ziva.

It takes longer than she expects, and when Kate finally does find her it's in the small outdoor gardens where she's seen them together before.  This time Ziva's sitting on the bench by alone. Her usually perfect posture is absent.  Her shoulders slump inwards. 

Kate sits down beside her without Ziva noticing her approach and wordlessly holds out the small Styrofoam cup.  There is a moment, when Kate thinks that she won't take it, and then Ziva's fingers wrap around it, brushing against her own just long enough for Kate to feel how cold they are.

Kate has a sudden urge to engulf Ziva's hands in her own and hold them tight until they're warm.  She knows the gesture wouldn't be welcome, so she holds her own cup a little tighter and sticks her other hand inside her coat pocket.

The silence stretches almost to the breaking point, until Kate can't bear it any longer.

"I'm sorry." 

What other words can she say?  Nothing will make it better.

"Did Gibbs send you?"

"Gibbs? No." 

"Or perhaps the Director?"

For just a moment, Kate wonders about the rumors that float through the agency about a past between the Director and Ziva.  Just as quickly, she dismisses the thought.  That's not why she's here today.

"No one sent me." Kate sees Ziva about to ask another question and continues.  "I didn't want you to be here alone."

"There was nothing to fight."  Ziva's staring down at her hands helplessly. "There was no way to change the course of what would happen."

"I know," Kate says softly.  There are no words of comfort to offer here.  Ziva knows the rituals and the aftermath of death far too well for any platitudes to seem anything but empty and meaningless.

"But he still fought." 

Kate swallows.  "He was a good man."  The words feel impossibly clichéd on her tongue, but she has to give Roy Sanders his due.

Just like that, Ziva stands up.  Her shoulders have straightened and she stands stiffly in front of Kate.  Whatever she feels has been pushed away again.  If Ziva allows herself the chance to breakdown and fall apart, there is always the possibility that she'll never get up again.  She's too strong for that, so she simply goes on in the best way that she knows how.

It's impossible for Kate not to respect that, so she stands with her.  Tomorrow they will both be back at work, and neither one of them will mention this moment.  Ziva will grieve in her own way and Kate will do her best to respect that.  They will probably still argue and bicker about their job and occasionally even personal things, but through all of that this will be with them too.

***   ***   ***

Ziva is watching when Kate's car blows up. Her heart stops and then immediately tries to beat its way out of her chest. She feels lightheaded and sways on her feet.  The shock of such uncharacteristic behavior on her part snaps her out of it. 

She swallows and forces herself to straighten up.  Gibbs is demanding answers and McGee is shooting her worried looks as he scrambles to try to give Gibbs the answers he wants.  She dives back towards her desk and starts going through the motions, finding out as much as she can.

If she stops and thinks about what's happened - she can't think her name, cannot - well, Ziva's not sure what will happen, but it won't bring them any closer to finding the answers that they desperately need.  She blinks rapidly as she feels a tear start to prick the corner of her eye.

 

When Kate walks through the door, Ziva can hardly believe it.  No one returns from the dead.  It’s all she can do to keep from throwing her arms around Kate.  It wouldn’t be appreciated, and it wouldn’t be appropriate.  At the moment, Ziva almost doesn’t care. 

 

She gets through the day, one obstacle at a time.  She watches as Kate walks away at the end of the day, looking smaller and more tired than she’s ever seen her before.  There’s a part of Ziva that still wants to go to her and comfort her, to reassure herself that Kate really is alive. 

 

Instead she finds herself following Kate out of the building.  She moves through the shadows with ease, clinging to the corners of buildings and lingering just out of Kate’s sight.  Tailing her home is a little bit more difficult, since Kate has to catch a cab.  Ziva has to drive around the block and she almost misses the cab that Kate is in. 

 

Lingering far enough back to avoid being spotted is easy as Ziva is almost certain she knows Kate’s destination.  The park across from Anthony DiNozzo’s old apartment is almost deserted at this time of night.  At least it appears deserted.  Ziva suspects that anyone still in there now is probably doing something illegal. Tonight, however, she’s certain Kate isn’t interested in petty lawbreakers.

 

Ziva circles around and pulls her car up so that she can watch Kate from across the street.  Kate is slumped on a park bench, facing Tony’s apartment. She looks stiff and lonely.  Her purse is tucked underneath her arm, and even from her distance Ziva can see the way her jaw is clenched. 

 

Ziva wonders what Kate’s thinking.  Once she could have asked.  Things have strangely gotten better between them in the past few weeks, but she could still feel Kate holding something back from her.  Now she has a better idea of what that was. 

 

Ziva swallows, and grips the steering wheel a little bit tighter until her knuckles go white from the pressure.  She understands undercover missions like the one that Kate has been one and she’s more than a little bit familiar with the things that can go wrong on that kind of mission.  The way a heart can get involved in a situation that it was never invited into.  It’s not that she’s angry, more that she’s sad and feeling impossibly far away from Kate.

 

Before Kate, she’s never pined.  Ziva knows now that she hates pining and it’s not something that she wants to be doing any more.  She also knows that this isn’t something that comes with a quick fix.  It doesn’t mean that she can’t fight for what she wants, however.  With that thought her determination redoubles.  She isn’t sure how yet, but she won’t give up on getting Kate back.

 

A trio of cars cross in front of her in quick succession.  A hint of motion behind them catches Ziva’s attention, two men loitering in the darkness of the park.  Ziva follows their gazes towards Kate and for a moment, sees what they see.

 

A woman alone, on a mostly deserted street, late at night, dressed in formal business-wear, and clearly not paying attention to her surroundings.  Easy pickings.  They are wrong, of course, but they won’t find that out until too late.

 

Ziva slips out of the car and crosses the street.  Kate is still staring fixedly in the opposite direction.  She really is lost in thought, Ziva thinks idly, as she feels for the knife hidden at the base of her spine.

 

It slips from the sheath smoothly and without a hint of sound.  Ziva can’t help the hint of a smirk that slips onto her features as she glides up behind the men who are stalking Kate.  They may not know it yet, but this is their lucky night.

 

The one in the rear squeaks as she grabs his arm and twists it painfully behind him.  Her knife is barely kissing his throat. 

 

“Stop.” Her voice is pitched just loud enough for the man in front to hear her. “Or I will slit your friend’s throat.  You will be next.”

 

She has no intention of following through with her threats, of course, but these fools don’t know that. 

 

Still it proves effective.  Both men freeze. 

 

“Now walk away,” Ziva commands softly, but just as dangerously.  “Once you’re out of sight, I will let your friend go.  If either of you come back, you will regret it.” 

 

The second man begins to run and Ziva watches him.  The man she’s still holding begins to struggle as his friend starts to round the corner.  Ziva finally lets him go with a kick to send him on his way.  He stumbles, but starts running as soon as he recovers. 

 

Ziva watches them until they’re gone, and then turns to walk back to her car.  She stops short abruptly, and still almost runs into Kate. 

 

“What are you doing here Ziva?” Kate asks angrily.

 

Ziva’s hopes fall with the tone of her voice.  There was a reason that she hadn’t made her presence known.  She knows Kate would prefer to be alone, but there's a part of her that had hoped that if Kate saw her, her presence wouldn’t be unwelcome.

 

Launching into an explanation of stopping the two men that she’s run off is an option, but it would be lying, by omission at least.  Ziva doesn’t want to lie to Kate anymore. 

 

“I followed you here.” 

 

Kate laughs harshly.  “Stalking, Ziva?”

 

“Making sure that my partner does not run into more trouble than she can handle,” Ziva counters, and perhaps that is a lie of omission, but Kate isn’t ready to hear the truth of what she desperately wants to say.

 

“I don’t think this situation qualifies, Ziva.” Kate says bitterly.

 

“Only because you won’t allow it.”  The simplicity of Ziva’s words underscores their meaning.

 

Their double edge hits Kate and she flinches minutely.

 

Ziva winces slightly and looks down. The last thing that she wants to do tonight is bring Kate more pain.

 

Kate steps forward, and slips her hand behind Ziva’s neck.  She pulls Ziva to her forcefully and presses her lips to Ziva’s with clumsy intensity.  It’s a mad rush of contact, lacking Kate’s usual finesse and it’s hardly a kiss worthy of savoring.  Still even that brush of Kate’s lips leaves Ziva hungering for more.  She misses what she had all the more intently for having a small reminder, even one so distorted, of what she’s lost.

 

“Is that what you wanted, Ziva?” Kate demands as she pushes Ziva away abruptly.

 

Even in the dim streetlights, her eyes glitter brightly with emotion. Ziva recognizes the destructive gleam in them, and the pain hidden behind that anger.

 

“No,” Ziva says softly.  “It was not.”

 

“Then what?” Kate demands, throwing her arms wide.  “What do you want, David?”

 

There are so many ways Ziva could answer that question.  She settles for the simplest and most immediate.

 

“I want you to be happy.”

 

“Happy?”  Kate scoffs.  “Do you know what I did today, Ziva?  I destroyed a woman’s world – everything she’s ever believed in – and I took away her father.  I’m sorry I can’t be happy about it, but some of us actually have emotions.”

 

“No, you would rather feel sorry for yourself and behave like a fool.”  Ziva’s retort is far sharper than she’d intended, but there is only so much of this that she can take.  Hearing Kate’s continued devotion to Benoit, followed by the accusation that she feels nothing is more than she can take.

 

After all, if she felt nothing she would hardly be here, would she?

 

There’s a long moment where they stand, staring at one another.  Ziva refuses to be the one to back down this time.  She won’t apologize or give Kate the graceful out.  Finally when nothing else is forthcoming, Ziva gives a shake of her head and turns away.  She crosses the street and gets back in her car. 

 

She drives away without looking back.

 

***   ***   ***

 

Kate is perched on the edge of Ziva's desk, waiting for her as Ziva descends the stairs, coming down from the Director's office. When Kate sees her, she grins just a little bit too widely.  Ziva can't help smiling in return at Kate's loosened up attitude.  The slightly glassy look in her eyes and the too wide smile tell her all she needs to know about how well the Doctors at the hospital fixed Kate up with pain medication. 

"And how are your ribs?" Ziva asks with a teasing grin.

A hint of color stains Kate's cheeks in response.

"Embarrassed," Kate says succinctly.  "And worried.  I think I saw you get slammed into a wall as I was getting my ass kicked."

"Mmm," Ziva agrees quietly, and then hesitates, looking back up at Kate from the papers on her desk.  "You are not going to freak out on me like Abby, yes?"

"No," Kate agrees easily, "I won't freak out." The smile slips from her face.  "You did scare me though," she admits gently, in a low voice.  

"I scared you," Ziva repeats Kate's words with a little bit of disbelief and a hint of wonder.  It's news to her that Kate still cares enough to be frightened on her behalf.

"You weren't scared though, were you?" Kate asks, more rhetorically than actually expecting a response from Ziva as she continues.  "You just stopped fighting and stared at him."  The silence lingers and Ziva isn't sure what to say.  "What were you thinking?"  

"I wasn't," Ziva says curtly, loosing a little bit of her easy good spirits at the hint of censure from Kate.  She still isn't sure how she feels about what she did today.  She's never stopped fighting before.  It has never occurred to her that surrender, or perhaps cease fire, is actually an option.  It hasn't been before.

Seeing McGee, then Kate and Gibbs all go down in front of Worth had brought a pinch of terror, the kind she's been trained all of her life not to feel in the heat of the moment.  There is something in him that Ziva recognizes though, something that she saw in his eyes in the midst of that fight, that convinced her to stop and give Worth a chance. 

Luckily, Worth has proved her right. If he hadn't it would be a very different story, a fact of which Ziva is very well aware.

"You weren't," Kate echoes and then laughs. 

Her laugh makes Ziva smile again.  Kate really is high on painkiller if she isn't admonishing Ziva for her carelessness.

Ziva picks her holstered gun and badge out of her drawer and clips them to her belt before she pulls her jacket on and swings her bag onto her shoulder.   She aims a considering look at Kate. 

"Do you have a ride home, Kate?"  She's definitely a bit loopy from the painkillers, and it's probably best if she doesn't drive.  As Kate's partner, Ziva considers it her responsibility to make sure that Kate gets safely home.  She has to admit that she's also enjoying Kate's company very much.  Things haven't been this easy between them in far too long. 

"No, Tim gave me a ride from the hospital."

Ziva winces at the thought of that ride.  They're both lucky to have gotten back to NCIS in one piece.

"Good," Ziva says, her mind made up.  She sneaks a glance at Kate and wonders if she can get away with picking up some Chinese take-out for them to share on the way to Kate's. After all it wouldn't do for Kate to have to cook in her condition. "I'll drive you then."

Kate groans, and Ziva's head snaps around to see what's wrong.  Kate's look of pain is faked though, and obviously not from her ribs.

"I got beat up by a Maine that was out of his mind on meds today.  That was bad enough. Now you're going to drive me home."  Kate shakes her head. "I have the worst luck."

"Ha ha," Ziva mutters the words completely deadpan but snatches up the keys nonetheless. "For that you are buying me dinner." 

The words slip out of her mouth uncensored, and Ziva blinks, uncertain if she's inadvertently pushed to far, but Kate's still smiling.

"We'll see, David."  The look in Kate's eyes makes up for the use of her last name.

The drive to Kate's is uneventful - as uneventful as riding with Ziva ever is - but there are no accidents, or even near misses. Kate has a feeling Ziva's being kind to her broken ribs.  Just the loose pressure of the seat belt against her ribs is enough to make Kate close her eyes and try to breathe very gently and very shallowly for a moment.  She can't imagine how Ziva's usual swerving, brake-checking, death-defying ride would feel right now, and she's just as happy she isn't going to have to find out.

Ziva is solicitously opening her door when Kate's cell phone rings.  The loud music coming from her pocket draws a sharp look from Ziva and a tolerant smile from Kate.  She knows instantly who the calls from, of course.

Abby chose her own ring tone several months before, mainly because she's the only one that Kate would let get away with it.

"Hey, Abs," Kate says cheerfully as she answers the call.

"Kate!"  Under the usual enthusiasm in her voice, Kate thinks she can hear relief.  "Are you okay? Do you need anything? I was going to see if you needed a ride, but I had to finish up a few things in the lab and then you were already gone when I got up there to the Squad Room. You didn't drive yourself home, did you?" She demanded quickly.

"No, Abs, I was perfectly safe.  Ziva drove me."

"Ziva? Safe? Driving?"  Her voice is perfectly audible though very tinny through the phone.

"I heard that, Abigail," Ziva calls out loudly.  "And I will not forget it."

"Is that Ziva? Is she still with you?"  

Kate looks over at Ziva, standing just inside her front door. She wonders if it's just in her imagination that Ziva seems faintly unsure of herself.

"Yeah, she's still here."  Feeling brave, or maybe just feeling the drugs, Kate keeps going. "We're going to order some takeout and she's going to spend the night to keep an eye on me." 

Ziva's eyes widen in comic surprise, but Kate knows the look is genuine.  Ziva hasn't said anything, but there's always the chance she'll say no, or just think Kate was joking.  Kate hopes neither of those things comes to pass.  She suddenly very much wants Ziva to stay.

"Oh, great," Abby says cheerily. Then her voice lowers. "I know you're up to something Katie Todd, and don't think I won't find out what it is later."

Kate laughs, despite herself, and is glad that Abby called. 

"Good night, Abby."

When she hangs up the phone, Ziva is staring at her from across the room.  Kate makes a resolute decision not to be nervous.

"So," she drawls the word out slowly, "What am I buying you for dinner?"

Ziva isn't going to be distracted quite so easily.

"Did you mean what you said to Abby?"

"You don't have to stay, if you don't want to," Kate says immediately.

Is it her imagination or does Ziva's face fall just a little?

"Do you want me to?"

The part of Kate that isn't very brave wants to say no.  It's the same part that she listened to after Gibbs left, after she came so very close to losing another member of her team, not so very long after she lost Tony.  Today, Kate doesn't want to listen to the small, scared part of herself.  Or maybe it's just the drugs.

"Yes."

"Oh.  Chinese, I think."

"What?" Kate asks, startled at the sudden change of topic.

"Chinese," Ziva repeats with a slow smile that contains just a hint of familiar smugness, "That's what you're buying me for dinner."

A horrible day, broken ribs, and the prospect of facing a very difficult conversation that she's been avoiding for months, can't change the way Kate's feeling at the moment - like the luckiest woman in the world.

And this time, she's pretty sure it's not even the drugs.

***   ***   ***

Kate can't remember the last time that she was this happy. That's the strange part. Because she shouldn't be happy. 

When Gibbs had informed her and Ziva that they were going to accompany the Director to a former Agent's funeral, they had exchanged a glance - and eye roll - that said it all.  It's babysitting, and boring babysitting at that.  Even more so, it's an insult to their combined skills. 

The worst part is that Kate knows they probably pulled the assignment because of her.  She is after all a former Secret Service Agent.  Knowing the very real danger involved in guarding the President had alleviated some of the mind numbing boredom.  Guarding the Director lacks that.  In a way, Kate's glad about that, but it makes her feel even less relevant. 

The lack of danger is the only thing that makes Kate let the Director leave them back at the hotel.  That's where the happiness comes in.  They have the rest of the day off - quite a rarity for them, and there's no reason that they shouldn't spend it together.  In fact, they have no else to spend the day with. 

Ziva insists on lounging out by the pool.  Kate almost protests until she gets a glimpse of Ziva in her bikini.  It makes the words die in her throat.  She knows that Ziva is beautiful.  It's just a fact, like a day is twenty-four hours.  This reminder, directly in front of her, is startling.  Somehow she's forgotten just how beautiful Ziva is and she wants nothing more than to spend the next few hours telling - and showing - Ziva that in every way that she can think of.

In the end, Kate gives in.  She's disappointed, but only a little and not really.  She's happy just to spend time with Ziva.  They both bring books down to the pool, lounging side by side, but Kate ends up watching Ziva more that she reads.  At first it's discrete glances out of the corner of her eyes, over the top of her book, but gradually it turns into blatant staring.

This thing between them feels so new.  Since the night that Ziva drove Kate home after the incident with Corporal Worth, they haven't had much time to spend together.  Work brings the usual sixteen hour days and seven day weeks.  Most often they fall into bed, grateful for the few hours of sleep that they have before reporting back into work.  It hasn't left much time for them.

Kate recognizes the old patterns that they fell into once before, and she's doing her best to break them.  She wants this time to be different.  That night they talked for hours.  At first it was painful and uncomfortable, discussing things that Kate would have preferred to never mention again, but she knows that Ziva was owed an explanation.  It's not so simple as all that, but they're working through it.  Gradually the conversation becomes easier for them, until the it's flowing freely.

It really isn't that big of a surprise then when Kate tentatively leans over and kisses Ziva.  There's hesitation in the way that her lips brush Ziva's, and then she pulls away.  It can barely be called a kiss.  She meets Ziva's eyes though, uncertain of what she'll see there when she does. 

What she finds is a small smile and an equally uncertain look. 

"I'm sorry," Kate apologizes immediately, sitting back away from Ziva on the couch, and trying to put as much distance between them as she can without getting up and walking away. 

She doesn't want to ruin this and she's suddenly afraid that she's pushed it too far. 

Ziva surprises her by reaching out to touch her arm lightly, stilling her before she can retreat any further.

"Do not apologize."  Her fingers are beginning to trace vague patterns over Kate's skin.  "Kate...."

"I know. It was too much. I shouldn't have."  Kate shakes her head, disappointment welling up in her.  The last thing that she wants is to screw this up again.

"Kate," Ziva repeats. "That is not what I meant."

"Oh."  Kate fidgets with the edge of the blanket and tries to think about something other than the warmth of Ziva's hand on her arm.

"I don't want you to do something that you'll regret.  I wanted to be here tonight, but I did not come with expectations of the way that the evening would end.  I wished to be certain that you would be okay, not take advantage of you."

It's sweet, and so completely Ziva. It's also an incredible relief.

"I kissed you, Ziva. That's not taking advantage," Kate points out.

"Of the situation," Ziva counters.  "You are on painkillers."

Kate covers Ziva's hand with her own and squeezes it lightly. 

"Trust me?"  She knows it's asking a lot, but she's not sure what else she can say to convince Ziva right now.  "I'm thinking very clearly right now."  She swallows, and keeps going.  "I made a mistake, Ziva, and I miss you."

"I miss you too," Ziva confides, leaning closer.  

She wraps an arm around Kate's shoulder and brings them closer together.  Carefully Kate holds her back, burying her face in Ziva's neck.  The scent of Ziva's hair is intoxicating in its familiarity.

They linger on the couch until Kate's protesting ribs force them to get up.  Then Kate takes Ziva's hand and gently leads her into the bedroom.  They undress separately and perform their nightly rituals before slipping into bed.  It takes them a little bit of time and some careful maneuvering to find a position that's comfortable for both of them and takes the pressure off of Kate's ribs. 

She falls asleep, reveling in the comfort of Ziva's embrace.

Since that night, there have been no more nights like that one.  Instead they talk on the phone when they can, or make an effort to eat lunch together, whether it's in the squad room or a crowded deli. 

It makes Kate doubly grateful for this time that they have together now.  She doesn't want to waste a minute of it. 

"Your book is upside down."

Ziva's dry observation sends Kate's attention zooming back down to the book held open in front of her.  Her first instinct is to protest.  Then she notices that Ziva is right.  She's not really upset when she glances back up, more chagrined by the slip.

"You should be less distracting," she murmurs in a low voice.

It's a safe enough observation.  Their lounge chairs are close together and no one else is sitting near them, but Ziva still raises an eyebrow at Kate in surprise. 

"I did not realize that I was distracting you."

Is it Kate's imagination or did Ziva shift slightly on her chair, subtly emphasizing the expanses of skin bared by her suit?  The subtle, but knowing gleam in Ziva's eyes says otherwise.

Kate has to fight the urge to lean across the space separating them and claim Ziva's lips.  Instead she bites her lip, and stands up abruptly. 

"Of course, you didn't," she murmurs under her breath and holds her hand out to Ziva. 

Ziva takes her hand and allows herself to be pulled to her feet.  Standing, there are only inches between them. 

"Are you done reading?"

"That depends.  Do you have another suggestion?"

"I think you should call Jenny."

Kate blinks, jerked out of the moment by Ziva's sudden mention of the Director. 

"What?"

"She has not contacted us."

"Ziva, she gave us the day off," Kate protests. 

"Ah, but Gibbs did not," Ziva counters quickly. 

"Ziva...." Kate sighs.  "If Jenny doesn't want us around, we can't just stalk her, even if she's the Director.  She probably just wants some time to herself."

"She just returned from vacation."

"True, but she's been through a very difficult time recently."

Ziva's mouth sets in a thin line of displeasure at the reminder of the events surrounding La Grenouille.

"Kate," she holds out her cell phone.  "Call her, please.  If she does not seem to be in trouble, then I will let it go and we can finish the rest of our day however you wish."

Kate holds out her hand, knowing that she's been beaten.  She doesn't want to make this call, to intrude on the Director's privacy any more than she has to and more than that she wants to spend this time with Ziva, uninterrupted by work.  She can't turn off being an agent though, and, in the end, she wouldn't want to.

"Fine. I'll make the call."

Ziva's grateful smile is almost enough to pull a reluctant smile from Kate as she dials the phone. She puts it on speaker and then listens to it ring.  By the time they're done speaking to Jenny, Kate's hand is clenched into a fist at her side. 

Her day is no longer so happy.  She's still not quite certain what's going on, but what she does know is that Jenny is in trouble and they have to deal with it. 

Her smile to Ziva is grimmer and more focused than before. 

"You were right," she admits with preamble.  "Now what do you want to do about it?"

***   ***   ***

The next eight hours veer sharply between being a blur and creeping by with impossible intensity.  The worst moment is when Kate has to call Gibbs.   When he answers the phone, there's a moment of silence where Kate can't make herself speak.  She sternly tells herself that this is just another report, just like the hundreds of others that she's given throughout her career.  Somehow she gets through it without breaking into tears or letting her voice crack.  She's the most consummate professional that she knows how to be.

When she gets off the phone, Ziva's waiting for her.  What Kate really wants to do is collapse with exhaustion, dissolve into tears and kill the bastards who did this to the Director, not necessarily in that order.  None of those things, however, are what Kate actually does.  It seems too soon, too selfish to do something like letting out what she really feels or sleeping, when the Director is being put into a body bag to be shipped back to D.C. and Ducky's tender mercies.

Ziva opens her mouth to say something.  By the look in her eyes, Kate just knows that it will be something consoling - something personal.  It's the last thing that she wants to hear at the moment.  She jerks a hand up to stop Ziva before she can speak.  

"Not now," she snaps, more harshly than she'd intended.  "Just not now."

The moment the words leave Kate's mouth, she almost wishes she could take them back.  Almost. The hurt look on Ziva's face is painful to see.  Ziva has changed so much in the past few years.  Once she wouldn't even have attempted to comfort Kate. 

Apparently one rejection is all she can take today, because she doesn't try it again.  Instead she nods curtly and walks away. 

Kate lets her breath out slowly, and feels it catch raggedly in her throat.  She chokes off the breath and holds it until her lungs aren't about to betray her.  Then she walks back inside.  They can't do anything really until Gibbs gets here, but when he arrives he will be demanding answers.  Kate knows that she better damn well have them for him, because the one question he will want the answer to the most - the same question she would love to be able to answer for herself - is the one that she can't answer. Why weren't they with Jenny?

Whatever she can come up with, whatever her reasons are and no matter how good they seemed, they are no longer good enough now.

***   ***   ***

To tell the truth, when Leon Vance sentences her to hell, better known as the Agent Afloat position aboard the USS Ronald Reagan, Kate is almost relieved.  Punishment, finally. 

It's not that she's masochistic, but she screwed up with the Director and she knows it.  She should have pushed harder or refused to accept no for an answer like Gibbs would have.  She knows that she'll hate being aboard ship.  Kate never set out to join the Navy after all and she can well remember how much fun Tony had at her expense the first time she was ever on a Navy vessel, with its cramped accommodations, odd plumbing and far, far too many people in a limited space.

But it's almost preferable to being at NCIS right now.  Nothing can ever make up for her mistake, but if she suffers enough maybe someone will eventually have pity on her.  Maybe someday she'll even forgive herself.

Ziva comes by as Kate's packing.  She has a large duffel over her own shoulder.  Kate thinks this might be harder if she wasn't being shipped out at dawn too. As it is, she looks at Ziva and simply feels numb.  It's almost a relief.

Ziva lowers her duffel to the ground and moves toward Kate.  She puts her arms around Kate, hoping that she isn't making a mistake.  Her stomach sinks when she feels Kate stiffen in her arms, and then Kate's arms are wrapped around her.  Kate's holding her so tightly that Ziva won't be surprised if she has bruises in the morning.  She thinks dismally that she might even be grateful to have some lingering proof of Kate's touch on her skin.  After they leave in the morning, there's no way to tell when they'll see each other again, and in their line of work there's always the possibility that chance will never come.

"It's not your fault, Kate," Ziva whispers against her ear. 

She doesn't have to hear it from Kate's lips to know what the other woman's doing.  She knows Kate better than that, and she has no doubt that Kate feels responsible for all of it.  As the only other person there, she shares some of that responsibility.  There are things she could have done differently, and lingering regrets that she will always harbor.  In the end though, she doesn't discount Jenny's free will. 

She knows her all too well, her determination and her strength.  Jenny chose her course of action and there's nothing that she or Kate could have done to dissuade her.  Perhaps they could have followed closer, or disobeyed her orders, but there's still no guarantee that it would have worked.  She may have still died, despite there best efforts.  That's the problem with what-ifs.  There are always too many variables to predict what will really happen.

"Like Tony's death wasn't my fault?"  Kate demands bitterly, stepping away from Ziva.  "People keep dying around me, Ziva.  For years it was my job to prevent that from happening and now I can't keep anyone alive.  Tell me how that isn't my fault?"

"There is no way that you could know what would happen, when you made your decision. No one can be on guard all the time."

Kate scoffs.  "You're lecturing me on the standards that you've always try to uphold? That's rich, Ziva."

"No," Ziva counters. "That is something that I learned from you and from Gibbs.  There's is no reason to be ashamed of taking a break, when it's deserved.  Jenny knew what she was doing, Kate.  She didn't call for backup or try to involve us and she knew we were waiting at the hotel.  She could have prevented it, if she chose.  She did not.  It's her choice and she made it freely." 

If Ziva sounds bitter about that, it's against her best efforts.  Jenny is one of the few people that she's ever counted as a close friend, however, and she's still angry about the way that she prevented them from acting.  There are few things that Ziva hates more than having a choice taken out of her hands.

"You're saying that we couldn't have done more?  That we weren't distracted?"  Kate's emphasis on that last word cuts like one of Ziva's own knives.

"If Jenny had called, would you have hesitated to answer it? To do whatever she asked? No." Ziva answers her own question.  "Neither of us would have.  We had no way of knowing."

"So you want to absolve us of all blame?"

"No," Ziva says slowly.  "But there is a difference between accepting blame and being paralyzed by the risk of failure.  If you're not willing to take that risk then you should no longer do this job."

Kate blinks, surprised by Ziva's firm words.  The truth of them takes her back and yet she can't deny them. 

"I can't quit."

Ziva nods.  She has no doubt of that, none at all. Kate's as likely to quit her job as Ziva herself.  Even with both of them being shipped out to places they never wanted to be, neither one of them has considered resigning as an option. 

"I know," she says softly, "And you should not.  You're an excellent agent, Caitlin."  

The way Ziva says her name makes Kate shiver.  The soft brush of Ziva's lips against hers is gentle but sure and last barely more than a second, before Ziva pulls away to meet her gaze. 

"Stay."  The word slips out of Kate's mouth before she can consider it or change her mind.  "Spend tonight with me," she asks softly.

"My flight leaves very early in the morning."

"I know," Kate says simply.  She doesn't want to think about how few hours they have left.  She can almost feel the seconds slipping away from them, and like Tony, like Jenny, there's nothing she can do to prevent it.

Ziva takes Kate's hand in hers, reveling in the feel of soft, slender fingers wrapping around her own.  She nods without saying a word. 

Together they make their way into Kate's bedroom and fall into bed.  They hold one another tightly, both trying to capture every part of this moment to hold it tightly in their memory.  Slowly Kate begins to relax into the feel of Ziva's arms around her, and eventually she slips into sleep without even realizing it.  Ziva lingers awake only moments longer.

Morning finds them still holding one another as if they're afraid to let go, even in their sleep.