I can't resist nit-picking though (sorry :p). I think with "The limp relaxation of sleep was hard to fake when you were boiling with anger." you broke the 3rd wall. The "you" should've been "I" IMO.
I can't resist nit-picking either :). The term is "fourth wall" (it originates in the theater. A stage has three "walls": back and two sides. The fourth wall is the invisible one between the characters and the audience). The expression refers to a character breaking the boundary between the fiction and the audience (often by addressing the audience directly).
I don't think you said what you meant to say :). I think you meant to say that there was a change in narrative from first ("I") to second-person ("you"). Second-person is often used as a distancing device (which is why I felt the change was acceptable in the sentence you quoted (uh, I should probably have started this by saying I beta read this chapter :)--in this sentence it makes sense to me, because if Rachel is indeed boiling with anger she may use this description to avoid admitting to herself just how angry she is. To keep her cool.
(Hope it's okay to address this to you, ic1pher--I don't normally jump into other people's comments but I thought your criticisms were interesting and wanted to address this one in particular. I love discussing writing and language and am always really interested to read other people's opinions. :)
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Date: 2008-11-21 12:07 am (UTC)I can't resist nit-picking either :). The term is "fourth wall" (it originates in the theater. A stage has three "walls": back and two sides. The fourth wall is the invisible one between the characters and the audience). The expression refers to a character breaking the boundary between the fiction and the audience (often by addressing the audience directly).
I don't think you said what you meant to say :). I think you meant to say that there was a change in narrative from first ("I") to second-person ("you"). Second-person is often used as a distancing device (which is why I felt the change was acceptable in the sentence you quoted (uh, I should probably have started this by saying I beta read this chapter :)--in this sentence it makes sense to me, because if Rachel is indeed boiling with anger she may use this description to avoid admitting to herself just how angry she is. To keep her cool.
(Hope it's okay to address this to you, ic1pher--I don't normally jump into other people's comments but I thought your criticisms were interesting and wanted to address this one in particular. I love discussing writing and language and am always really interested to read other people's opinions. :)